having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

and some hugs!

unfortunately i dont have anyone IRL i can discuss this with since they are all in differnt boats as im sure you ladies are too but maybe theres someone who can offer some advice or support.

Dh got a new job just about 3 months ago. it was sort of out of no where and it was a little bit of a cut in pay but eventually will pay off pay wise as well as will be a better life for him in the long run. Its in westchest and we are currently living in Suffolk in a tiny 2 room apartment at my parents (which we are RAPIDLY outgrowing) Our original plan was to stay about 6 months to save money and then take the Hike and move up to orange county where Dh could be a little closer to work and the cost of houseing is quite a bit cheaper and i could be a SAHM (which is what we both want)

but after alot of thought we both realized that we would be relocating to a place where we both know NOONE. Dh work day is at least 10 hour days and 6 days a week. so i would be home with the baby all day (which is obvioulsy what we want) but i would know aboslutely NOONE! so we discussed it and thought maybe leaving the island wasnt such a great idea and staying here would be better for all of us. but looking in nassau would be better since it would cut DHs comute quite a bit.

so now after alot of searching online. We've come to realize that buying a place here on LI is out of the question unless DHs salery doubles in the next couple of years. (which is obsurd and wont happen) Or i go back to work Full time. Now i make a good living with my career but DD would have to be in daycare full time which will in the end eat up most of my paycheck so really is it worth it? Even if we forget aboutbuying and just go for a 2 bedroom apartment. most of the places ive looked at are half of dhs monthly nut. which is undoable. Now we have a FANTASIC opertunity to live in 2-3 bedroom apt at a friends house which im more then greatful for but the only downside is that its an exra 20min in the other direction of dhs job but at least we would be able to get a bigger place for something we can afford with out being broke.

but now i sit here and feel AWFUL. i feed guilty that i want to be a full time mommy. i feel guilty that i dont want to move so far from home (both of our ENTIRE families with the exception of my brother and his family and my dhs one uncle and aunt live here on the island with in a half hour of each other) i keep saying Just go it will be better in the long run and then i sit and cry for hours about how i would know noone and be miserable. BUT our quality of life would be so muh better so should i just suck it up and go? should i just suck it up and go back to work and stop being selfish? I would absolutely love to go back to work once dd is old enough for school but neither of us can bare leaving her at day care. (i know that sounds so silly since its become the way of the world)

Now my parents have offered us one of the most generous offers i;ve ever heard. they offered to allow us to turn their house into a legal 2 family. where we would be co-owners expanding the upstairs that we currently live in. into a 3 bedroom house (at our expense) but it would only be about 90-100k to do the expansion instead of buing a 3 bedroom home on the island for 350k. so it would save us a fortune. But DH isnt quite sure he wants to live with my parents forever (which i absolutely totally understand, im sure i would feel the same if the roles were reversed) But right now i just feel like we shouldnt throw away the idea since this may be the BEST option to have the best of both worlds.

What do i do? what would you do? im at a complete loss and most of the conversations with DH turn into arguements because sometimes were just not on the same page and im OVERLY emotional right now (i have some medical issues that are making me down in the dumps) and i just feel like our life plan that we had a year ago is goneand our world has been totally capsized.

If you have read this far, bless your soul i know it sounds like mumbo-jumbo but i really dont know what the best is. and was hoping maybe someone can offer me some advice and or if youve been in my shoes how did you work things out?

Message edited 9/13/2009 2:28:26 PM.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

I think you need to sit down with DH and really make a good strong list of the pros and cons of each situation and think about what you can do and want to do.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

thanks kate that sounds like a good idea. maybe we should each make our own list of whats most important to each of us first ya know. to get us on the same page

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

Posted by KateDevine

Posted by Meggo613

thanks kate that sounds like a good idea. maybe we should each make our own list of whats most important to each of us first ya know. to get us on the same page

I think that isa good idea, and maybe make a nice dinner together and sit down and discuss it.

These are all big changes, but they are good ones, all in a positive direction

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

first off, - i kknow its hard to figure out....

i live with my fil - we bought his house and added an extension to create a two family after dh's mom died (we originally agreed we woudl try it for 3 yrs and see if it worked...)....

and before anyone puts a halo on me, there are days i despise it, but its what worked best for us at the time morally...its a diff situation b/c he is an elderly (77) man who comes and goes on his own but also "craves" attention at times, and it gets hard when we (ok, more I than dh) want space or time as our family only, etc. I do love him to death and he adores both girls but there are def days I wish we were just on our own....it has strained dh and i sometimes since he can't always understand my feelings, and I think its great you are understanding of your dh's feelings...I can't tell you what to do but i think both being 100% honest and creating a list sounds best, as has already been suggested....good luck and together you will make the best decision for all of you!

(feel free to fm me if you want to vent or anything!) :)

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

i think if it were me i would reconsider the move to Orange County.

you would not know anyone at first,b ut you'd be able to make friends after enrolling your DD in a few classes and going to the library, etc.

your DH's commute would be less so he could see your DD more. and you would be able to afford a nicer place than you could get on LI.

as much as i love my family and friends, i did not allow proximity to influence where we decided to buy our first home. in the end we chose a town that is perfect for DS to grow up in, and we were able to afford a nice house in a great neighborhood for much less than if we stayed in Nassau County.

good luck, i know it's not an easy decision, just saying what i think i would want to do.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

We moved away from family for my DHs job----I say for his job, but really it was for our family, it allowed me to be a SAHM and us to buy a house. While I have many days I wish we were closer, I also have made friends & DS and I have plenty of activities to fill our days. Its not an easy decision, but I think weighing the pros & cons is a great suggestion. When it comes down to it, I don't think there is a 'perfect' place to live for most......there are always going to be pros & cons. If you do decide to move, one thing I have found is that having kids makes it a bit easier to at least meet other moms, whether it be at the library or meetup.com----and you would be surprised to know how many people are in the same situation of starting out knowing no one

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

I was in almost the same situation 3 years ago.

My DH was working in the city and we were living in Farmingdale. When we DS was 6 weeks old we put our house on the market because we wanted to move to North Jersey and knew that the commute would be better for Dh. It took a year to sell our home and things had changed from our original plan.
Dh ended up leaving that company and started his own with 2 other people. His office is in Central NJ and the commute was 3.5-4 hours a day. He was so tired and we ultimately realized that we really need to move to NJ and be closer to his job. The first year of DS's life Dh only saw him on the weekends. We moved and now DH is 14 miles from his office and is home in about half an hour. He is home around 6pm instead of 8:30/9pm. We have no family or friends here. It wasn't easy to make friends because I had 2 under 2 and I couldn't do mommy and me with a toddler and young infant. Since you only have 1 it will be so much easier.
For us it was more important that my DH see them everyday as opposed to staying on LI and our family seeing them a few times a month because it was convenient.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

What about if you rent an apartment in Orange County for a little while to see how you like it up there before you buy something. Then go from there. We currently live in a 2 family with my mom and it is really hard on my relationships with both my husband and my family. I wouldn't rec. for the long run.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

I would pack up and go move to Orange County where its closer for your DH to go to work. You'll make friends there eventually and people who care about you will come and visit.
Living with parents as cost efficient as it can be may cause problems in the future. I would absolutely NOT feel guilty about staying at home with your baby. They only grow up once. If you miss it you can never get that moment back. If I could afford it I would be staying home in a heartbeat. My heart is broken from leaving my baby after staying home for 7 months with him and now having to go back to work.
I would do anything to be able to stay home with him.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

My take on it is - make the move.
If you buy into your parents house, your husband is going to have to do that commute for the rest of his career. That is not only going to cut into your family time but he may end up resenting you for making him do it.
If you move, yes you won't know anyone right away - but you will meet people. You could go to meetup.com and get to know other mommy's in your area. You can always visit your family when you want since it's not that far away. Most important, your husband will be working nearby and you will have more family time together.

Good luck with your decision.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

I personally love living in a mother-daughter with my mother. For a while I didn't, but now its so good. My husband gets understandably annoyedat times but overall he likes it too. I have a built in babysitter, when I need to run a quick errand or now that I am working more, in the am before school. I can trust a younger/cheaper babysitter because my mother is often there to tell me what's going on. THe best is that now that my children are getting a little older, we can sleep in later because they "sneak down to see grandma in the am and leave us alone

But of course it is not always easy. My mother can be a nosey buddy at times and I have to let her know that is not ok. We have a really nice mother daughter though where we both have space on the first floor because we knew this would be long-term. My dh and mother get along really well. Its worked for us now for 5 yrs. My mother is getting older and slightly less capable and I am concerned for the future.

If my husband had to commute like that though, I think I would move for sure. I like my dh home for dinner.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

Posted by Gertyrae

My take on it is - make the move.
If you buy into your parents house, your husband is going to have to do that commute for the rest of his career. That is not only going to cut into your family time but he may end up resenting you for making him do it.
If you move, yes you won't know anyone right away - but you will meet people. You could go to meetup.com and get to know other mommy's in your area. You can always visit your family when you want since it's not that far away. Most important, your husband will be working nearby and you will have more family time together.

Good luck with your decision.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

Long shot here and not even sure if it would be financially doable, but is there any way to see if theres something somewhere between here and Orange County that actually can be converted into a part rental for you to rent out ?? Or a house that already has an apartment in it ?

This way you could stay home w/ DD and have the additional income to offset the cost of the mortgage?

Fortunately Orange County is in drving distance but I can understand your fear

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

I can only tell you what I would do -
and that would be move to Orange County.
It would be easier on your DH - he would be able to spend more time with you and your baby, and is only a 2 hr drive from LI, so is not so far from your family.
Although your parents offer is very generous, I wouldn't do it was me. We lived with my parents for 9 months and it was very tough on our relationship.
I think it would be a good idea to maybe rent a house or an apartment there, see how it goes, and then you can look into buying.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

Posted by KateDevine



I think you need to sit down with DH and really make a good strong list of the pros and cons of each situation and think about what you can do and want to do.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

I think it depends on how much you want to stay home with DC, if you go back to work FT, will you be ok, or totally miserable? it is a great idea to expand your parents house if DH is willing to do it!

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

sending you a FM

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

I would make the move, but rent first.

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

I would move- and I like the idea of renting first to see how you like it.

We moved OOS (to VA) for Dh's job earlier this year. I went from having to work FT to being able to be a SAHM. I love it. I have been here 4 months and have made some friends already.

Having a child can open up some doors for you to meet people, and you will still be close enought to LI to drive home for parties, family events, holidays, etc.

It has worked out well for us. I hope you two can make a decision that works well for your family

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

I just really really wanted to thank each one of your for your honest replys. i have been thinking about it all day and decided maybe i should reconsider the move. The only reason im not totally jummping on it is.. currently his commute is an hour and 10 min. and if we were to move to orange it would be about 50min. so its not a huge significant difference but it is a difference. so we will be sitting down tonight and tomorrow and dicussing this all over again. i hate that DH doesnt get to spend too much time with DD and it would eat me up to leave her and like someone said.. she only grows up once i would HATE to miss it if i didnt have to.

Thank you again all so much. sometimes i just really need to hear the honest truth from the outside looking in. It doesnt help that we are both young and we "think" we know whats best but sometimes just dont have a clue. also i HATE that i get ridiculed by quite a bit of people that DH and i both want me to be a SAHM. it makes me feel awful and then i start second guessing what i want out of being a mother. and then i realize that i cannot let anyone elses rude comments change the way i feel and its nice to know theres so much support here!!

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

Don't ever let anyone's comments about being a SAHM upset you! Tell those people to mind their fuuckin business!! I am sure there are many mommies out there who would LOVE the opportunity to be a SAHM... we know what a great thing it is!

Good luck forming your plan of attack. I am sure if you take your time, you and DH will find a compromise that works best for your family. I will say, from someone who commutes from Queens to Suffolk everyday- I would take an upstate commute vs. a LI commute anyday. Less volume. Best of luck!!

Re: having a really bad couple of days! could use some advice THIS IS REALLY LONG!

Thanks Gabi dh used to commute from suffolk to queens and didnt miind it. hes now commuting from suffolk to westchester and isnt complaining but it adds up and his work day is 10 hrs so i can only imagine how he feels!