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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
BM has a BF who is fantastic with my SD. I give him a lot of the credit for creating the peace that has now fallen upon all of us.
SD had a pretty serious problem at school with a boy who said extremely mean things and then SPIT on her. BM's BF picked SD up from school that day and she confided in him what happened. She made him promise not to tell anyone else. Of course he told BM who told DH and I under the condition we wouldn't say anything b/c we don't want to ruin SD's trust in BF. BF also told SD that she had to promise she would tell him if it happened again so he could deal with it.
BM told me she is pretty upset that SD didn't tell her but my DH BLEW A FREAKING GASKET. He is furious that she didn't tell him. I explained to them that she probably is so humiliated and hurt she doesn't want to have to rehash the situation. If they had been the ones to pick her up, she probably would have told them.
DH is also furious that BF is the one that will be "handling" any future issues. He feels it's his job as a dad and BF is overstepping his boundaries. I know all of this is stemming from a jealousy/insecurity of BF "replacing" him in SD's life. I remember BM going through the same thing a few years ago with me. I tried to explain that he needs to accept BF as a part of SD's life. He lives with her so she's going to be close with him. I also said he should be thrilled that SD loves BF that much and feels that she can tell him things. DH did not want to hear any of that.
I really don't know what to say to him to make him feel better. He feels like a failure to SD right now b/c he is not around her as much as BF is. Any advice or words of wisdom?
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Posted 9/24/09 11:47 AM  |
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EsquireFish
LIF Adult
Member since 3/09 1259 total posts
Name:
G
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
SD probably confided in the BF BECAUSE he wasn't BM or your DH. It sounds like what happened may have been embarrassing, especially for a young woman (although I don't know the details), and she most likely would have confided in a school friend before she ever confided in DH or BM anyway. She may view the BF as a "friend" for matters like this, not necessarily a parental authority, and it sort of sounds like she didn't want to go to a parential authority at all.
Maybe DH needs to talk to SD (without ever mentioning the embarassing incident or even implying that he might know something) and just make sure she knows she can talk to him whenever she needs a friendly ear, etc. and that he won't judge her. She still might not tell him stuff that she would tell a friend, but at least he tried to open the lines of communication. DH and BM should actually be happy that she confided in someone who was an adult, rather than just telling her school friends and not saying anything at all to any of the adults in her life. At least if there is a major problem in the future, you all know that at least SOMEONE in the family is going to find out, rather than her keeping everything all bottled up and perhaps getting upset and no one understanding why.
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| Posted 9/24/09 12:00 PM |
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Mrs. Ben
LIF Zygote
Member since 7/09 39 total posts
Name:
Mrs.Ben
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
It is great news your SD feels comfortable with the BF, especially that he lives with her. Sooner or later she may start seeing him as a father too. I think it's only natural especially if he treats her good. This does not mean she would love your DH any less. I understand him feeling a jealous and inscure..it's only normal. I think that will change as time passes. Just make him see that she told BF because he was the one who picked her up that day. Maybe he can if he does not do so, call her everyday and ask her how her day went in school...maybe she would be more open to talking to him. another reason why she didn't tell BM or DH is because she didn't want to upset them or worry them. He should def talk to her and let her know she can tell him anything even though she may already know this, just having him repeat it may help.
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| Posted 9/24/09 1:09 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
Posted by Mrs. Ben
Maybe he can if he does not do so, call her everyday and ask her how her day went in school...maybe she would be more open to talking to him.
He does talk to her every morning before school and if he doesn't see her after school, he calls her before she goes to bed. Even if he does see her after school, he still calls her to say goodnight so he speaks with her frequently. I reminded him of all this saying that she obviously knows she can talk to him at any time but I guess he just feels guilty.
Esquirefish...I think you are right in that she told BF b/c he's not a parent. I also think that it had to do with who had picked her up from school.
I just feel bad. She's only 10 and I warned DH that it's just going to get worse. You know how mean girls can be in middle school. I appreciate your advice ladies! Maybe if he had a sit down with her, he will feel better.
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| Posted 9/24/09 2:32 PM |
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Mrs. Ben
LIF Zygote
Member since 7/09 39 total posts
Name:
Mrs.Ben
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
Posted by legallyblonde
Posted by Mrs. Ben
Maybe he can if he does not do so, call her everyday and ask her how her day went in school...maybe she would be more open to talking to him.
He does talk to her every morning before school and if he doesn't see her after school, he calls her before she goes to bed. Even if he does see her after school, he still calls her to say goodnight so he speaks with her frequently. I reminded him of all this saying that she obviously knows she can talk to him at any time but I guess he just feels guilty.
Esquirefish...I think you are right in that she told BF b/c he's not a parent. I also think that it had to do with who had picked her up from school.
I just feel bad. She's only 10 and I warned DH that it's just going to get worse. You know how mean girls can be in middle school. I appreciate your advice ladies! Maybe if he had a sit down with her, he will feel better.
It's going to be a little tough for your DH. This reminds me of the DH's small son when he referred to his step dad as daddy. DH used to get jealous...of course he never mentioned anything to his son. Eventually the son started calling the step dad by his name (don't know how that happened). But I tried to make DH understand that its normal for things like this to happen bc despite how many times DH spoke to his kids, the truth was they were spending lots of time with the step dad. The BF lives with SD so he may not be disciplining her just like SC's step dad didn't...so they tend to see them more of a friend then a parent. Also due to the not disciplining aspect..they are seen as the nice ones...kwim?
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| Posted 9/24/09 2:46 PM |
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Lucky2008
LIF Adult
Member since 5/08 1005 total posts
Name:
Chris
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
I agree with the other posters. She may have felt more comfortable opening up to him b/c he is not one of her parents (and he was the one picking her up while she was still newly upset over it). SD had that kind of relationship with me in the beginning (before BM sabotaged it) she would confide some things in me or tell me what she learned in health class that day or ask me about feminine products, etc.. I think she viewed me as a friend that was somewhat a parent figure but not quite a parent (if that makes any sense)
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| Posted 9/24/09 3:22 PM |
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cgdg61606
Little Brother Christopher
Member since 2/07 6815 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
I wish I had advice for you, but I just don't because my DH feels the same way. Step sons live with BM and her BF who they have known since BM and DH got divorced over 7 years ago. BM's BF coaches their Little League and takes them to school and picks them up. We have them every other weekend and are suppposed to have them Tuesday and Thursday nights, but homework and the newly joined football team for older SS have kept them away on weeknights. DH feels the same way you described your DH feeling. He feels like he's losing them as they get older and he doesn't know what to do. He is so upset. My DH would have reacted the same way. My DH doesn't get along with the BF though. They don't speak at all... I'm sorry!!!
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| Posted 9/24/09 4:08 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
Posted by Lucky2008
I agree with the other posters. She may have felt more comfortable opening up to him b/c he is not one of her parents (and he was the one picking her up while she was still newly upset over it). SD had that kind of relationship with me in the beginning (before BM sabotaged it) she would confide some things in me or tell me what she learned in health class that day or ask me about feminine products, etc.. I think she viewed me as a friend that was somewhat a parent figure but not quite a parent (if that makes any sense)
Totally makes sense. I definitely think SD tells me some things she doesn't tell others and I think she feels more comfortable asking me questions too.
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| Posted 9/24/09 4:15 PM |
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EsquireFish
LIF Adult
Member since 3/09 1259 total posts
Name:
G
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
I also want to add:
SS, even though only 5, sometimes tells me things that he doesn't tell DH or BM. Sometimes it is simply a matter of convenience for him (like he remembers something and wants to tell someone, and I happen to be the person there) or a matter of comfort (perhaps because he doesn't see me as an "enforcer" of rules, and in at least once instance that I can remember he told me something and then specifically asked me not to tell DH or BM -- of course I told DH but he pretended he didn't know).
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| Posted 9/24/09 4:40 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
Not a stepparent here & realize I have no business really posting but here's my 2 cents anyway.
I think your DH has a reason to take pause in a situation when his daughter is confiding in any adult. I think it's great that she is speaking up about what's happening to her at school, but the idea of children having 'secrets' with mom's boyfriend isn't something I'd be comfortable with either. I assume as a stepparent (or stepparent figure), there is a parental obligation here. I know my parents had a rule & they were pretty clear on it - the "please don't tell Daddy/Mommy" was not a promise that would be kept. It's not a promise BF should be making.
It's not nearly the same thing but...being in HR, I'm often put in situations where someone wants to talk about something but doesn't want to make a formal complaint. I always preface it by saying "I can't promise you that it's confidential. In my position, I have an obligation to protect our employees & our company." Even though I always say that, I've never had someone say "Ok. Never mind." She would tell him anyway.
Who is talking to the principal or teacher about what's going on if she's being bullied? I think the BF should tell her that he has thought more about it & that she needs to tell her parents.
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| Posted 9/25/09 11:28 AM |
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Lucky2008
LIF Adult
Member since 5/08 1005 total posts
Name:
Chris
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
Posted by nrthshgrl
Not a stepparent here & realize I have no business really posting but here's my 2 cents anyway.
I think your DH has a reason to take pause in a situation when his daughter is confiding in any adult. I think it's great that she is speaking up about what's happening to her at school, but the idea of children having 'secrets' with mom's boyfriend isn't something I'd be comfortable with either. I assume as a stepparent (or stepparent figure), there is a parental obligation here. I know my parents had a rule & they were pretty clear on it - the "please don't tell Daddy/Mommy" was not a promise that would be kept. It's not a promise BF should be making.
It's not nearly the same thing but...being in HR, I'm often put in situations where someone wants to talk about something but doesn't want to make a formal complaint. I always preface it by saying "I can't promise you that it's confidential. In my position, I have an obligation to protect our employees & our company." Even though I always say that, I've never had someone say "Ok. Never mind." She would tell him anyway.
Who is talking to the principal or teacher about what's going on if she's being bullied? I think the BF should tell her that he has thought more about it & that she needs to tell her parents.
I see your point, however, the OP did say that the BF did tell BM and BM then told her DH, so at least the parents are both aware of what happened.
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| Posted 9/25/09 11:34 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
Posted by Lucky2008
I see your point, however, the OP did say that the BF did tell BM and BM then told her DH, so at least the parents are both aware of what happened.
I know they are aware of it but if it were my daughter, I'd want BF to send her the message that he is also a parental figure, not the friend.
As I said, I'm not a stepparent. I'm responding as a parent - and also as someone who have had friends with inappropriate relationships with stepparents and "uncles" . I see how her DH could be upset about being "replaced" but it may not be only the replacement factor in the mix. I could see how as a stepparent, you'd take the friend role to keep the peace, but ultimately I think the parent part is more important to keep everyone on the same page.
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| Posted 9/25/09 12:05 PM |
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legallyblonde
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/08 850 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by Lucky2008
I see your point, however, the OP did say that the BF did tell BM and BM then told her DH, so at least the parents are both aware of what happened.
I know they are aware of it but if it were my daughter, I'd want BF to send her the message that he is also a parental figure, not the friend.
As I said, I'm not a stepparent. I'm responding as a parent - and also as someone who have had friends with inappropriate relationships with stepparents and "uncles". I see how her DH could be upset about being "replaced" but it may not be only the replacement factor in the mix. I could see how as a stepparent, you'd take the friend role to keep the peace, but ultimately I think the parent part is more important to keep everyone on the same page.
I hear what you are saying and appreciate your insight. BF is a father himself so I definitely don't see a "friend" factor with the way he treats SD. I'm the step parent that is guilty of that He told BM right away about what happened but with the condition that she wouldn't tell SD she knew. He really wasn't keeping her secret and if it was something that really needed to be handled and addressed by BM or DH, it would have been. This is just a delicate situation due to the humiliation factor.
My SD is a "tween" so we are encouraging her to work out problems with her friends on her own (you know how girls can be  ) but if a situation gets out of control then we would step in (which is what I think she's probably afraid of. Apparently this boy is a problem for everyone and I'm assuming that my SD does not want any further embarrassment by having mommy and daddy come to handle the situation, KWIM?). BUT, if it happens again, it will be dealt with for sure.
The big issue for us is the "replacement" factor in terms of who dad is. I spoke with DH last night and said that no matter who is in SD's life, there's only one mom and one dad and that's it. He plays a very active role in her life so it's not like he's not with her often that BF could theoretically "replace" him. It's just his own insecurities IMO.
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| Posted 9/25/09 2:13 PM |
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itkocak
Member since 7/07 7639 total posts
Name:
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Re: For once, I really don't know what to say so some advice please!
Message edited 11/29/2011 3:14:21 PM.
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| Posted 9/25/09 5:12 PM |
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