question for you lovely men and women

i am trying to be as considerate as possible, especially upon meeting new people, when discussing the topic of children.

i never thought it was an issue to ask "when are you having kids," especially often the asker of the question means no harm, but i have since learned that this is a sensitive topic for both those who don't want children, and those who do but are having difficulty, or those who simply cannot.

this weekend i met a lovely girl who was married last year and in trying to be considerate, while at the same time making small talk, i asked her if she and her DH had discussed having children (this wasn't out of the blue as a mutual friend had just mentioned that i have a one year old son).

she answered no, that they had just purchased a new home and she wanted to focus on that, and the topic was easily changed.

now i find myself questioning myself...

did i ask the wrong question? should i avoid the topic altogether in the future? as a mom, and a pregnant woman, i find children on the forefront of my mind more often than not when speaking with other women. it's unfortunate, i suppose, but as a shy person i often find myself at a loss for words when all of the other topics (where do you live, work, are you married, etc.) have already been addressed.

any words of advice?

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Personally, I think asking if someone is going to have children is way too personal for small talk. I would avoid the question all together. I know when anyone asks me, I get a little defensive...even though it was most likely asked in an innocent way. i still get the feeling that I get judged by the person asking.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Re: question for you lovely men and women

It's really never OK to come out and ask about planning for children. You can mention your family dynmaics and see if they add to it. There are PLENTY of other things to talk about like vacations, hobbies, work, she mentioned being a new home owner, etc.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

was this jennie??

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Posted by maybeamommy

was this jennie??

Re: question for you lovely men and women

More than the question, I dread the reaction to my answer. I prefer not to have it asked in the first place so I can avoid that icky feeling of searching their face and their voice for pity or judgment when I answer them. Or worse, to find myself defending myself or being asked other questions about why.

If they aren't engaging in conversation or talking to you about your child, or other things of interest to both of you, they don't sound very friendly anyway. I'd probably cut my losses at that point.

To be honest, for people that do not know we are childless and will remain so, I may wind up telling them myself sooner or later to head them off at the pass. But then the conversation is in my hands and I can change the subject or say whatever I want to, and keep all the other details to myself.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by greenfreak

More than the question, I dread the reaction to my answer. I prefer not to have it asked in the first place so I can avoid that icky feeling of searching their face and their voice for pity or judgment when I answer them.

wow - i can honestly say i have never thought of this side of things! i feel so self-centered

i really, really appreciate all this feedback. i am going to work on my conversational skills. thank you so much.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by greenfreak

More than the question, I dread the reaction to my answer. I prefer not to have it asked in the first place so I can avoid that icky feeling of searching their face and their voice for pity or judgment when I answer them.

wow - i can honestly say i have never thought of this side of things! i feel so self-centered

i really, really appreciate all this feedback. i am going to work on my conversational skills. thank you so much.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

I think you are more considerate than most people I have met since you are actually thinking about this and posing the question to us.

I agree with previous posters that the topic of having kids is just VERY personal.
I don't even like to discuss it with my family.

But I do see that you really meant no harm in it...so if I were her I really wouldn't be offended.
When I DO get offended is when people KEEP asking- over and over again. Year after year. After I have already told them my feelings on the subject...

Re: question for you lovely men and women

I think it's awesome that you are asking these questions! You are not self-centered.

There are always a few sides to asking people:
1. they aren't ready
2. they don't want kids
3. they are trying but don't want to talk about it
4. trying and having trouble
5. tried and were unsuccessful
6. can't

probably a whole bunch more if I thought about it.

It can be very painful to discuss, as I am in categories 3-6, with multiple losses. The look of pity on someone's face is horrible, or the standard "have patience, it will happen, or "dont' give up". I am completely aware that people are trying to be supportive b/c now it's an awkward moment, but it's painful and uncomfortable to me as well.

Thank you again for inquiring and being respectful and supportive.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by maybeamommy

was this jennie??

yes and i felt so bad afterwards! i should know better, really...

thanks for the feedback everyone! i will just avoid the topic from now on.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

I have to say I don't find the question offensive at all. I didn't before I had kids or for the year that I was ttc #2 and had 2 miscarriages.

I always found a way to answer the question that I was comfortable with and if the person asking didn't like my response well then I say f*c* em.

I think this is kind of like someone saying the "wrong" thing to someone who lost a loved one or got laid off or had a miscarriage. Maybe they don't know what to say and say the wrong thing. I don't take it personally. I guess I'm just not that thin skinned.

I don't think you did anything wrong, but its awfully nice of you to ask for different opinions. You took her cue and went with her changing the subject. Now maybe it would have been rude or offensive if you had continued to press the issue.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Posted by baghag

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by greenfreak

More than the question, I dread the reaction to my answer. I prefer not to have it asked in the first place so I can avoid that icky feeling of searching their face and their voice for pity or judgment when I answer them.

wow - i can honestly say i have never thought of this side of things! i feel so self-centered

i really, really appreciate all this feedback. i am going to work on my conversational skills. thank you so much.

I agree with Greeny- the question doesn't bother me, but the judgement does.

But please- DON'T feel self centered! Posting this thread was the very opposite of that.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

For me:
- "Do you have children?" is OK
- Not OK are:
- are you and DH planning to have children?
- when are you going to have children?
- why don't you have children?
- are you trying hard enough?
- when are you going to make your parents grandparents?
- when will you give your nieces a cousin?
- have you thought about having children?
- how old are you?
- have you tried doing it every day for a month?
- long stories that begin with "before we had children..."
- have you gotten yourself checked out?

Re: question for you lovely men and women

it's a very personal subject. this weekend the wife of my husbands friend "toasted" me (it was just me, her and another woman who i don't know) and that may i be blessed with many children. i just met the lady an hour earlier! i know she meant well but it was awkward b/c I am on the fence.

i agree though, its fine to ask IF you have kids as long as it's just to find a topic of convo to settle on.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Re: question for you lovely men and women

see, i don't mind being asked... i just hate 1) being asked repeatedly or 2) the judgement after the fact... "how old are you? you're getting up there, you really should get a move on" etc - i think that if you're making small talk, then you should read into the person's answers and reactions. if they are all fawning over your child and saying how they can't wait to have children, then i think it's appropriate to delve into when they would like to start a family. but if you ask them if they are thinking of having kids and they kind of say "oh not right now, maybe someday, i don't know" etc - then instead of being like, well why not? or you're getting up there, better get a move on! - it's best to shift the discussion, because obviously it is not their #1 priority, for whatever reason.
and i think the fact that you are even giving thought to this, shows how not self-centered you are.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

From another perspective...When I was going through IF I always felt weird when someone would ask me about it as I didn't want to lie, but also felt it was private

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Posted by DRMom

From another perspective...When I was going through IF I always felt weird when someone would ask me about it as I didn't want to lie, but also felt it was private

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Re: question for you lovely men and women

My problem is I just don't know why people care when/if I have children. I assume people ask just out of curiosity, no malice intended, but it's hard for me to wrap my brain around why someone cares.

I am especially congnisant that I don't ask these kinds of questions (when you are plannning, are you having another one, etc) because I know how annoying it can be.

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Posted by DRMom

From another perspective...When I was going through IF I always felt weird when someone would ask me about it as I didn't want to lie, but also felt it was private

Re: question for you lovely men and women

Posted by baghag

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by greenfreak

More than the question, I dread the reaction to my answer. I prefer not to have it asked in the first place so I can avoid that icky feeling of searching their face and their voice for pity or judgment when I answer them.

wow - i can honestly say i have never thought of this side of things! i feel so self-centered

i really, really appreciate all this feedback. i am going to work on my conversational skills. thank you so much.

I agree with Greeny- the question doesn't bother me, but the judgement does.

But please- DON'T feel self centered! Posting this thread was the very opposite of that.