Pregnant with twins and scared - update at bottom

Hi,

I am not posting this under my LIF name because I'm still coming to grips with the news I received recently that I'm having twins.

I've been a member of LIF for a long time and while I haven't posted much in a while, I still feel more comfortable being anonymous for now.

I have a wonderful child and DH and I were sort of trying for #2 and got pregnant right away. I was excited but nervous about balancing work, responsibilities with a growing family - but since hearing last week that it's twins, I have to admit I'm completely overwhelmed and not excited at all.

I HATE to admit this and I've cried over this many many times - but I'm so scared about how we'll handle everything - how I'll care for 3 kids, how I'll continue to succeed in my career (which is immensely important to me), my marriage, myself, etc.

It's really hard for me to say this - but since I found out it's twins, a kind of cloud has passed over me. I remember staring at my first child's sonogram picture and just falling in love right away. I can't even look at the twins' sonogram picture right now - I just start crying. I am not connecting with this pregnancy - and as much as I know I need to be honest and communicate about this - I'm terrified about actually saying those words out loud.

DH has been wonderful and is supportive. I feel AWFUL about feeling this way - I've known so many people who have struggled, or continue to struggle with infertility - and here I've been given 2 babies and my first (and lasting) emotion is not joy.

We can afford twins. Our parents were shocked but are now thrilled. I've secretly told 2 work colleagues and while their mouths dropped open, they have been positive. DH is amazing and has listened to me without judgment.

I feel like the only one not getting on board is me.

It's still very very early in my pregnancy - but these feelings I have seem to go against every maternal instinct I've ever had, or ever dreamed I'd have.

I'm just so overwhelmed, I needed to get this out. I dont mean to sound selfish and I apologize if I've offended anyone.

Update 11/17

Thank you all SO MUCH for all of your comments and FMs. It feels so great to be able to be so honest on this site and get such an outpouring of support from such wonderful women.

I had another sono yesterday and the twins are looking good. They are fraternal and seem fine. It's starting to sink in more gradually, though I'm still not fully grasping it yet. My mom went with me to the sono and was crying with happiness. I can't say that I'm there yet - but I didnt cry at this sono, which is more than I can say about how I reacted at the first sono, when we learned that I was carrying twins.

So we're taking it one day at a time. I'll be telling my boss in mid December, and then I have to tell more bosses right after that. I'm really nervous about it, but I'll get through it.

But thanks again - I really appreciate all the responses and well wishes. You're the best!

Message edited 11/17/2009 9:28:54 AM.

Re: Pregnant with twins and scared - sorry if I offend

I think it's absolutely normal to feel scared and overwhelmed with the news you're expecting twins. I'd be terrified too. I think you're probably just that....scared. Also, you mentioned that you already have a child. When you were pregnant with the first, you dind't KNOW what to expect and now you do. I think it's mostly nerves.

I'm sure as time goes on you'll get used to the idea and you'll feel the way you did with your first and if you don't I'm sure in time it will come. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's normal to be nervous and afraid.

Re: Pregnant with twins and scared - sorry if I offend

You in no way are offending me.

First off, congrats!

Second, what you are feeling is completely normal. My twins were my first babies (conceived in the first month of trying) and when we found out it was twins we were in shock for days. Once the shock wore off I had some of the same feelings as you..how can we afford 2 right away, how can I be a mom to 2 when I don't have experience with 1 yet, how can my body carry two babies, how can I maintain my career while having to raise 2.

Well they are 3 now and everything is going wonderful and DH and I still want to have more at this point. I have kept working, had an healthy pregnancy and have 2 healthy kids. Since you have experience with 1 already, I am sure you know the work that will be needed with 2, but it will all work out.

Also, as for work, I went back to work at 3 months when both my babies were not sleeping through the night yet. I stumbled around some mornings, wore mismatching shoes some days, took showers at night, but once they started sleeping through the night it got easier and easier to handle working and having them. So i definately think you can continue to work with 3.

I came out of the fog a few weeks after finding out. Hang in there.

Re: Pregnant with twins and scared - sorry if I offend

I just had twins last week and have a 2 1/2 year old son. I have to say, when I found out it was twins there was a HUGE part of me that was so terrified and scared. Everyone around me was so excited and kept telling me what a blessing it was, but I was having a hard time feeling the same way.
I wanted another baby, but the thought of me caring for 3 scared me half to death. As my pregnancy went on I got more and more comfortable with the idea of the twins and the idea of me being able to handle it.

Like I said, they were just born last week and they are still in the hospital so I still have no idea how I will handle it......but now that they are here, I am totally in love and can't imagine not having the two of them.

Re: Pregnant with twins and scared - sorry if I offend

I felt a LOT like you did and a lot like the previous poster as well.

I struggled to get PG with my son, took over 2 yrs and IVF and I was isntantly connected to him during my PG...I have never been so excited and happy in my life......

......then I got PG naturally and unexpectantly with Twins...We had wanted another baby and then the situation changed and we decided not too and boom...Twins ( gods plan I guess)..

It took me a long time, if ever to connect during the PG....When I feared something was wrong a few times, I knew I loved them b/c I felt true fear for them and me, but the PG itself was sooo different then with my son. I was no where near as excited. Just nervous.

Everyone would say, OMG twins how exciting , are you excited and my response was always, No , I'm scared.

I was scared, terrified and it was , I wont lie, very overwhelming for me.

The PG was hard with twins, not unbearable but hard and especially with a toddler to handle...

I just wanted it to be over ( although I do miss it now, go figure!) ....

My delivery was a total surprise, I was not expecting to deliver, so I felt disconnected that night as well. It was the middle of the night when I delivered and my babies were premature so I didnt even get to see them till later the next day and I didnt hold them till the 2nd day.

It was all a blur...They also stayed in the NICU while I came home...And then I got sick at home.

My long story is to say that it took me a while...

Now they are almost 6 weeks old and it is so different...I feel so much more of a connection to each of them.

I wont lie again and say it is easy, sometimes I think, OMG, one would be a freaking walk in the park and I get aggravated, and I wish they were older and sleeping through the night etc.

But even though I feel these things, it is OK.,....Its NORMAL. Its overwhelming, but it is OK to feel overwhelmed! I vent ( a LOT...lol)

Give yourself some time.

I can honestly say it NEVER sunk in for me, never, till they were here.

I tried to prepare and get ready for two, but you really cant.

Take it day by day.

Your hormones are adding to how your feeling.

Re: Pregnant with twins and scared - sorry if I offend

First off Congrats You want to talk about being overwhelmed how about thinking you are having twins then 9 weeks into it being told its triplets !!!! Its tough but you will get through this. Your hormones are all over the place and you will be feeling up and down. I was so excited when I thought I was having twins especially since had a MC at 10 weeks back in 2006 but when I heard it was triplets I was a little sad and disappointed but everything worked out in the end. I have 3 beautiful healthy 3 months old babies and loving every minute of it. Good luck to you and remember we are here to help you if you need to chat or just vent...

Re: Pregnant with twins and scared - sorry if I offend

I could have written this exact post last year. I was not excited at all. I never imagined having twins and I thought that it would be too much for me to handle. The whole idea of twins just overwhelmed me completely. But I have to tell you that it is much easier than I thought it would be and now I love having twins, they are such little blessings. But I cant say that I was excited at all until at least 20 weeks.

Re: Pregnant with twins and scared - sorry if I offend

you are not offensive and don’t have to apologize in any away for your feelings. its a huge life change you have raging hormones and its all new.

twins were always a dream of mine. i always loved them and was so fascinated by them.
i got pg and had a mc. i was so upset- inconsolable really. then i got pg very shortly after and it was twins. even knowing how much i wanted a baby and that twins were my dream it was still scary to find out i was actually going to have them.

do you know anyone with twins that you can spend time with? maybe being around some will help ease your fears about caring for them.

if you take a step back and figure out what is scary/ making you feel bad about what you are going through it may be easier to tackle it.

1. you mention you didn’t fall in love with the sonogram. - so what really they aren’t that cute early on inutero and not connecting with a tiny dot in black and white doesn’t mean anything.

2. just because others are trying to have a baby and you were able to doesn’t mean you have to feel bad that you aren’t head over heals about this. yes its not fair that someone who desperally wants a baby can’t have one and you who didn’t want 3 children is getting them but that doesn’t change your situation and you can’t feel bad that you are pregnant when others arent.

3. career - well there are a lot of working moms. there are nannies and day care and friends and family. there is also part time work and taking time off work. work is great to be successful in and i am certainly not knocking the importance of being good at something you love but if your career path takes a tiny detour you can still be very successful and very happy.

4. marriage- its hard to connect with limited time and more to do but if you try to look at the babies as something great you and your husband did together and are going through together your marriage doesn’t have to suffer.

5. yourself- well it depends what you mean about this. do you mena not having time for yourself? at first you won’t but eventually you will. and newborns sleep a lot. even twins and walks are a great way for the babies to get stimulation but can also be you time as they will liekly sleep there are a lot of ways to still have a few minutes for you.

i am not trying to minimize any of your thoguths but if you look at them one at a time instead of all at once it will be less overwhelming and more manageable.

as far as dealing with three children- well it wont always be easy but twins amuse themselves and play together and in some ways may be easier than one. They have each other which means they wont always need you. your older child will be able to help here and there.

having your husbands support and being financially stable is a huge thing. dont underestimate the importance of this.

you will get through this.


good luck

Re: Pregnant with twins and scared - sorry if I offend

first off congrats!!!!!
It is totally normal to feel scared. I wanted to have twins when we were trying, and was so excited at first, and went through the same feelings as you. I then became really scared and unsure that DH and I were able to really handle it.
we are here for you with the support.
I have to say you are a step ahead with already having a child, so you have some experience with raising a child.
You and your family will find your way. You just have to waork together.

Re: Pregnant with twins and scared - sorry if I offend

you have fm