Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

So, in my neighborhood there is a group of us all different ages/sexes/Marital statuses/sexual preferences that hang out all the time.
There is one woman (in her early 40s) who is single with a 12 year old daughter. Lately, she's been acting strange. And then I noticed she gained some weight..and had a belly! But, I dind't say anything. Last night she tells me "I took a pregnancy test the other day and it was positive" I said "wow, really?" She said "yes and I was so upset, so I went to the hospital to get checked out and they did all these tests and I'm not pregnant" I said "oh, okay" (I mean what do I say??) She then tells me she never got her period last month or this month. So I said, "well, did they say if something is wrong or what they think is going on?" She says "no" Mind you, the whole time, she isn't looking me in the eye and looks like she is about to cry. In my head, I was thinking about how she had gained some weight and had a little belly (she is super thin). And a false positive?? So rare- if even possible??

So one of our other friends calls me a little while ago and says "Did you talk to "her" last night?" I said yes. He tells me that she's thought she was pregnant for the past two months and that she was very upset, because the guy she is seeing wants nothing to do with her or "baby". So I tell him about our conversation last night. He said that she has discussed this with him for a while and he and his partner (in their mid-forties) offered to raise the baby if she was indeed pregnant and let her be a part of it's life, because she cried about not wanting a baby at this point in her life. She acted to him as if she knew she was actually pregnant. They had long in depth convos about the logistics of them raising her child. He is pretty sure she had an abortion.

I'm just sitting at my desk thinking about DD and wondering how anyone can comtemplate that. My DD was right in my arms when she told me the story- which is why I think she looked like she was about to cry. I'm just sad. I know everyone has their own circumstances that make them choose the life they lead, and I always thought I was Pro-Choice, but now...i just keep thinking about DD. And about my wonderful amazing friends- a gay couple who have been together for 22 years and always wanted a child, but never took that leap (family pressure in the past) and have all the love and the means to take care of a baby (and thought this would finally be their chance) and I just want to cry.
I know that I don't know if she really did have one, but I feel like she did and it is bothering me so much. I want to leave work and go get DD and hug her so hard. I don't know if I can look at her the same.

I don't know what the point of this post is. But, I can't tell anyone else IRL, so I'm telling you guys.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

You can't think about your DD when you are thinking about another person's pregnancy. She could have a LOT of things going on in her life that you don't know about. Maybe she is 12 weeks along, had a NT scan and there is something wrong with the baby? There are so many variables, it is best not to judge.

So while I understand your feelings, try to let it go.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Posted by Superkat

You can't think about your DD when you are thinking about another person's pregnancy. She could have a LOT of things going on in her life that you don't know about. Maybe she is 12 weeks along, had a NT scan and there is something wrong with the baby? There are so many variables, it is best not to judge.

So while I understand your feelings, try to let it go.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Posted by KateDevine

Posted by Superkat

You can't think about your DD when you are thinking about another person's pregnancy. She could have a LOT of things going on in her life that you don't know about. Maybe she is 12 weeks along, had a NT scan and there is something wrong with the baby? There are so many variables, it is best not to judge.

So while I understand your feelings, try to let it go.

ITA

And just because you were in a place to welcome a baby and become a great mother doesn't mean everyone is or will be.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Her pregnancy and possible abortion is totally and completely irrelevant to your child and your life -

It's her life, her choice, her pregnancy, her body -

I don't see a reason for you to be so distraught about it to the point that you can't 'look at her the same way' ........That seems very unfair to her.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Sorry for the fake name, but I am a regular poster, though not a parent.

As someone who had to go through an abortion, pklease do not think for one nanosecond that it was a 1 2 3 decision, that it was easy. It was the hardest decision I ever made and I think about it every.single.day.

I only made it through that time in my life with the help of my friends. I copuldn't face my family. I only told my sister who was living OOS. If it weren't for my SO and my friends, I don't know how I could have gotten though it. They never judged me, and if they did, their unconditional love and support showed me otherwise.

If one of my friends couldn't look at me same way, because of a decision I had to make for ME and MY LIFE, helll, I wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway. I have never, and will never, judge someone who has/had an abortion because I went through it, I know the pain, the agonizing and crippling emotional turmoil that I had to endure. If a so-called friend couldn't look at me in the same light because of a decision that had no bearing on her life, I think thats mean. Was I supposed to have the baby for HER? Younger, ill-prepared in every sense of the word? THAT'S what I was supposed to do?

You never ever know what someone has/is going through.

If someone is going through it, or if there is even speculation, the best thing that you can do is reserve judgment. You don't think their judging themselves enough?

Just wanted to give a prespective from someone who went through ine, and I hope no one chooses to judge me for it.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

PPs, go ahead and flame me if you must, but I understand how you feel - I could totally see feeling that way. While it may not be "fair" to judge her because of her personal choices, it is still VERY upsetting to think about that. When you have your beautiful delicious DD who smiles up at you and is just so innocent and sweet...it's very upsetting to think about what she "may" have chosen to do.

That being said, it is her choice, so it is what it is. But I do understand how you feel totally distraught over it. Some people (myself included) just get very sensitive and emotional over situations like that, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with you! I personally think it's fine to feel that way. but I would try to still be a good friend to her - even though it's hard to think about.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Message edited 6/25/2010 2:54:19 PM.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Ok, I'm not judging..I knew this would turn into that kind of post. I meant that I can't look at her the same, because I don't know if she did or didn't do it. We are pretty close and tell each other a lot of things. She told quite a few people that was pregnant. I know that I don't know her situaiton fully until I walk in her shoes. I actually have a few other very very close firends who have had abortions and I supported them through the whole ordeal and continue to. I may not agree with choices people make, but if you are my friend, I try to be supportive. I just mean..it's more like I'm upset bc she discussed with this couple what it would be like to raise this baby. they had that one glimmer of hope and it was taken away- not by their choice. Maybe I am wrong, I know better than to post this on here, but I had to get it out. I'm honestly not judging her and I will continue to be her friend, I guess I should have made myself more clear.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

I don't really think the OP's intent was really to judge this woman.

I can't speak for her, but maybe she typed a little too fast when she said "I can't even look at her".

I think she was just overwhelmed by the love she feels for her DD, and internalized those feelings and projected them on the single mother.

I know the feeling of looking at DS and thinking "how could there ever be a world where he wasn't born, where he didn't exist" and that the sheer possibility of missing out on this wonderful person is just heartbreaking and brings me to tears, that I could have in some way missed out on this.

Again, I can't speak for the OP, but I think that's what she was feeling . . . and maybe the judgement was more of feeling sorry for this woman that she even had to make that choice, and that knowing what she knows now, she could never make that type of choice again.

But I agree, no one knows the real circumstances, and it is no one's place to judge what she may or may not have chosen to do.

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Re: Don't know where this belongs..but just upset and sad LONG

Could it be possible she had a miscarriage????