please help me to help a friend ...

Hi girls!

I'm crashing because I could really use your help.

Someone very close to me just had a miscarriage. It was early in the pregnancy, and a blighted ovum.

I want to be there for them, and support them through this. Everything that comes to mind to say just feels wrong.

What were some of the most comforting things that friends/family said to help get you through such a terribly sad thing?

What are some things that really drove you over the edge, if you don't mind sharing those too? I want to make sure I take those out of my vocabulary!

All advice and guidance is welcomed!

PS - Tons of super sticky baby dust to all of you!

Message edited 7/20/2010 10:07:29 PM.

Re: please help me to help a friend ...

I'm so sorry your friend has to go through this. I think you're a wonderful person for even trying to find comforting words for her.

My 2nd m/c was a blighted ovum and personally, there was nothing anyone could say or do to make me feel better. I needed time to heal. The one thing that did help me and I carry it with me whereever I go is a St. Gerard Medal and prayer my aunt gave me. I found that praying to him everynight helped me more and more everyday and I am not a religious person at all.

The worst thing I heard was...it just wasnt meant to be...well why the eff not? That's just ignorant. What did help a bit was hearing how unbelievably common it was....maybe you can just offer her a shoulder to lean on or an ear for her to vent....talking about it a lot was my therapy.

Re: please help me to help a friend ...

Only two of our really close friends knew we had a miscarriage and really just them being there for us emotionally was enough... it was around christmas time which was hard so they came over and just watched TV with us, played some wii and chilled...

one thing that irritates me more than anything though is " everything happens for a reason" ... i knew that in my heart its right, but to hear it after a loss its just not the most comforting thing... especially after going through IVF...

Re: please help me to help a friend ...

Not many people knew, but it got me when I would hear "next time it will stick." Really?!?! You have no idea if it will or not! Another thing that got me upset was "you're still young, you have plenty of time to have kids." That doesn't make me feel any better.

The best thing anyone could do was just listen and pretend to understand. No one really understands how it feels unless they've been through it.

Re: please help me to help a friend ...

I'm sorry for your friend...

I think the biggest thing is to give no advice at all...even most words seem empty and not helpful..at least not for me. I hated "everything happens for a reason", and "this just wasn't your baby". I know people meant well but it made me want to ring their neck!

Basically let her know you are there for her whenever she wants to talk. some people do, and some people don't. I hated when people looked uncomfortable when i wanted to talk about it. Then they would try using those empty words...

the best words are...I'm so sorry, I know this sucks.

Because it does suck.

Re: please help me to help a friend ...

Thank you all so much for responding, you've helped me so much. I know this can be a difficult topic to discuss, and I really appreciate that you shared your thoughts with me.

Re: please help me to help a friend ...

I would steer clear of any "it just wasn't meant to be" "god doesn't give us more than we can handle" or "you never know, something could have been wrong with the baby" type of comments.

a simple "I'm so sorry you have to go through this. i love you guys & I hope you know that you are in my prayers. if you ever need to talk about it, or NOT talk about it...I'll be here for you" would be nice

Re: please help me to help a friend ...

Re: please help me to help a friend ...

As someone who had to go through surgery to get PG and fertility treatments only to lose 2 pregnancies before baby #1 and one before baby #2, I would offer this advice:

Let them know you are there for them when they are ready or need to talk.

Stay away from statements like:

"It was not meant to be."

or something REALLY stupid like:

"Oh my friend had 7 miscarriages and now she has twins."

NEVER EVER EVER say "Well you can always adopt." Adoption is not a consolation prize. It can be just as difficult, painful and exhausting as trying to conceive. You cannot just go to the baby store and pick what you want when you want it.

Don't send them anything. Cards and flowers and gift certificates for spa treatments are tangible reminders of what they have lost.

Understand that the loss of a pregnancy is still a very deep and painful loss no matter how early it happens. The pain never goes away. I often wonder who the children I lost would have or could have been like had they lived.