just thinking out loud..

So, DH and i have been taking a break now for the past 3 cycles (we had decided mentally and physically we needed it after ttc'ing for 18 months)

we had talked about taking a break for the summer, and then in the fall re-evaluating what we were going to do (which would mean injectibles and IUI - IVF is not an option) Since i had surgery in June, July was really the only cycle where we had a chance to get pregnant on our own, and it didn't happen. To be honest, we haven't really been trying that hard during the break - i haven't used opk's, and i don't even think we bd around the time we should have anyway. That's ok.. it's what we talked about doing and we weren't really thinking about it non-stop (which has been a huge relief btw)

In my head, i was thinking i'd go back to the RE in August or September. When i got AF last week, i realized that i'm going to be out of town on business for the entire week that i'd be ovulating and would normally have the IUI, so it didn't make sense to go back to the RE for this cycle and i'd wait until September.

Here's the crux of the issue though... when i mentioned it to DH last week, his response was that he's pretty much given up on it ever happening and that it didn't make a difference if i was here while i O'd or not because it's not like it would make a difference.
I totally understand how he feels, and i can't say i blame him. It's maddeningly frustrating to be diagnosed with unexplained IF and still keep up the energy and enthusiasm for this whole process.
Which is why we ended up taking a break in the first place.

But i'm ready to dive back in (next month of course since this month i won't be here at the right time) and really begin again with the testing and monitoring etc.
It kills me that DH is so defeated about it all though, and i wish i could help him get over it. I totally understand why he feels this way - he doesn't want to get his hopes up and continually have them be crushed each month. believe me, i get it. But i really feel like i need him to be as enthused as i am or its just not going to happen.

anyway.. sorry for the rambling, just wanted to see if anyone elses DH got like this, and how you were able to get past it.

thanks

Re: just thinking out loud..

I am so sorry you are going through this
My issues aren’t the same, but DH went through a similar state of negativity after I m/c. Still sometimes it comes out although most of the time hes positive and supportive, even though I know he is just doing it for me, and doesn’t really believe it.

Make sure you talk to DH and are on the same page. Make sure he understands how much it means to you be positive. I def agree that he needs to be as into it as you. This cycle my DH was so fully on board with everything. He even talks to my stomach at night and I tell him to tell the embies where to go. I can’t even imagine how I did 9 other cycles without that kind of support.

Infertility sux majorly but in the end I feel like it def has brought DH and I closer together. In the end you may find that as well, it just takes time to get there.

Re: just thinking out loud..

HANG IN THERE!!! You and DH need to be each others rocks. This whole journey isn't easy and there will be times when he will be weak and vice versa. I know because there are times when I am all for everything and then there are other times when I feel like why us? It's painful, but you have each other.
DH and I have basically agreed that we want children, okay well then maybe a child. We just want our baby. So therefore, it has been decided that we will go the most aggressive route for us- which is IVF. My body is exhausted from failed IUIs. I had my meltdown on Saturday and I am surprised he didn't just put his ring on the dresser and tell everyone that his wife went CRAZY!!!
Now I am ok. I am ready to get this IVF started. We will not be defeated.
SO ,I say to you, be there for DH, let him now that all is not over. BTW, why is IVF not an option for you? (if you don't mind the question)
My DH isn't as vocal as me and he tends to want to be STRONG at all times, but I know he hurts inside and this is a pain we share. It's not easy and that's why it's good to vent. We are here for you, but do know that all is not lost. If not this month then the month after. If you feel like you have a plan then you are still in it. All the best.

Message edited 8/16/2010 5:38:21 PM.

Re: just thinking out loud..

Re: just thinking out loud..

I felt the same way and our insurance doesn't cover it either. We will be doing it out of pocket. But since this is not an option for you, continue to and use opks. Don't necessarily throw your hands up. It's stressful, but try to still stay in it.
Wishing you all the best.

Re: just thinking out loud..

Posted by Otherme

Posted by SweatPea
BTW, why is IVF not an option for you? (if you don't mind the question)

unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover it, and we don't have the $10K to take a chance for one month. i think the pain of a bfn after spending $10K would be even worse than it is now

Re: just thinking out loud..

We are also diagnosed with Unexplained, so i totally understand your frustration, its draining for sure. Sounds like our situation is reverse. Im the Debbie downer, and my DH is forever looking on the bright side...but that has its draw backs too, it makes me feel like i CANT be sad or dissapointed and i get annoyed with that too...I don't have any great advice, since you can see im a mess too, but i feel communication is so important...really talk things out...have you considered therapy? IF is a LOT to handle, sometimes we all need a lil help.


I wish you the best!!

Re: just thinking out loud..

Posted by Tango1

Posted by Otherme

Posted by SweatPea
BTW, why is IVF not an option for you? (if you don't mind the question)

unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover it, and we don't have the $10K to take a chance for one month. i think the pain of a bfn after spending $10K would be even worse than it is now

The clinic ( LIIVF) I go to, is involved in a study testing a new drug. It offers a free IVF cycle. A friend of mine is enrolled,there are some requirements for age, I think you had to be between 35-42 and have a normal FSH. If you fit the criteria, it can't hurt to ask. Good Luck.

Re: just thinking out loud..

Posted by SweatPea

HANG IN THERE!!! You and DH need to be each others rocks. This whole journey isn't easy and there will be times when he will be weak and vice versa. I know because there are times when I am all for everything and then there are other times when I feel like why us? It's painful, but you have each other.
DH and I have basically agreed that we want children, okay well then maybe a child. We just want our baby. So therefore, it has been decided that we will go the most aggressive route for us- which is IVF. My body is exhausted from failed IUIs. I had my meltdown on Saturday and I am surprised he didn't just put his ring on the dresser and tell everyone that his wife went CRAZY!!!
Now I am ok. I am ready to get this IVF started. We will not be defeated.
SO ,I say to you, be there for DH, let him now that all is not over. BTW, why is IVF not an option for you? (if you don't mind the question)
My DH isn't as vocal as me and he tends to want to be STRONG at all times, but I know he hurts inside and this is a pain we share. It's not easy and that's why it's good to vent. We are here for you, but do know that all is not lost. If not this month then the month after. If you feel like you have a plan then you are still in it. All the best.

Re: just thinking out loud..

Also check out New Hope and Dr. Zhang...they also do free clinical trial IVF's if you qualify. I think they are about to do one on low stim v. high stim protocols...he has had a lot of sucess too..

Re: just thinking out loud..

A therapist once told me that men aren't wired to handle the IF stuff as well as we do. We're better off not involving them as much as we do. Like, don't talk about every single test result, numbers, etc. I was like, , how can I not involve him? It's his problem, too! But
she wasn't male-bashing. She was speaking from experience.

We've been trying for 7+ years. Lots of IUIs and IVFs under our belt. The last 2 IVFs were hard on DH. I can do as many as it takes, but he can't handle the emotional part of it. We also had a 2nd trimester loss and a miscarriage, which may compound things. I feel like I have to be his cheerleader to get him on board each time. After each failed cycle, he says he can't do another one, but in a few months time, he comes around.



With every cycle that I'm not pregnant, it almost fuels me more to go through with another cycle. It's draining enough as it is, but when DH isn't 100% with it, it's even worse.

Hang in there and be patient for him to come around.