Ahhhh! against IVF????

So, hubby went down to FL not so long ago for a family member funeral, while there, he got to see and speak to another family member who happens to be a nun. I was not able to go with him since I had work commitments. I am guessing he spoke about our fertility problems and that we are considering IVF. I don't mind speaking about our fertility problems with the family or anyone really, because I think that it helps us cope with it better and many people are also dealing with infertility as well.

Anyway, today I came home and got the mail out of the mailbox and what is the first thing it "pops" out?...a letter from the nun.

And I quote " I am very concerned that you had mentioned that you and your wife were considering in vitro fertilization. Before you go through with anything, I hope that you read what the Catholic Church teaches regarding it. You are Catholic. ....embryos will be destroyed......I am concerned for your welfare and desire only the best for my family. Please re-consider.....I pray to God that you conceive naturally....time can only determine that....."

I understand where she is "coming" from and appreciate her concern, but yet in this same letter there is no praying or concern for my husbands blood disease.

My hubby was diagnosed with a blood disease that is not inherited or genetic. It is not a common disease and doctors don't know much about it, they just know how to treat it. Hubby needs to be on a Medication that it is usually given to cancer patients in order to control his white blood cells so that they don't attack his organs. As long as he takes the medication (for life) he will be ok (or so they hope). The thing is ...we can't conceive on the medication because it can create birth defects. He stopped taking the medication a while back. Medication takes 6 to 8 months to completely get out of the body before we were able to start trying. Hubby had a set back last month when he was hospitalized for a week. Since we were not able to conceive naturally in 8 months we decided to go ahead with a fertility doctor. We have our second consult next week to go over all the test results and determine what our next course of action will be.

Sorry if it seems like I am going on and on, but I need to give a little bit of information so that you can understand.

Anyway, how is it that her concern is more about the invitro than his health. Why.....not even a mention of it.......Again, I do understand what the church teaches and I am not trying to be insensitive, I just need to vent

It was very upsetting to read the letter. I guess I am just too sensitive, but on the other hand I am trying to understand because there were 3 other family members who have done IVF. One of which just had twins less than a year ago and they are close to her. Also, there are 7 doctors in hubby's family......just a bit more of information. The debate between science and church....

ahhhhh... I don't need this...how is it that she has always had our address, did not attend our wedding, has not spoken to us in years or sent a letter even to say "hi" because she is so busy, but yet she found the time to write this one....

Thank you ladies for letting me vent I need chocolate ice cream now....

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

In my honest opinion I think what she said was completely innapropriate! She had absolutely no right to try and push her beliefs on you and your DH. I am Catholic, and I got pregnant with IVF. I know that I was born to be a mom and really believe that God wanted me to as well....regardless of how it happened. DO NOT be ashamed of what you are doing. Follow your heart and do not listen to anything that anyone says. Your jouney to parenthood is between you and your DH. Nun or not I would write back and give her a peice of my mind for that. Sorry you have to deal with this during such a difficult time already. Keep your head up.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Thank you MommyR2010. I felt the same way. I will never be ashamed because a baby is the best miracle in the world. You are right about everything. It is bad enough we are dealing with the struggles and the dissapointment of not being able to conceive, every time I get AF my world crumbles around me. I don't need this too

Message edited 11/12/2010 10:04:42 PM.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

I am so sorry. There was 100% no need for her to send you that letter. Even if she felt that way, I am sorry she felt compelled to share those thoughts with you. Hopefully the doctors are able to help both you and your DH. Good luck and best wishes.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

WOW, I am so sorry she felt the need to send that letter to you. She is lucky to be a nun and never have to know the pain of infertility. I would send her back a letter asking her what she would have done if something prevented her form being a nun, I'm assuming that is what she felt she was meant to do with her life because I'm sure, like many who face infertility you feel you're meant to be a mother. I'd also tell her that you believe the doctors who perform IVF are doing God's work. And ask her about all those who have children and abuse/neglect them, are those people in the clear bc at least they conceived "naturally"? I am just shocked that in this day and age people still have the beliefs she does. It actually makes me sick.

Ughh I'm sorry, but nothing irritates me more than someone making comments like these especially when they will NEVER know what it is like to deal with infertility.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Thank you for your support ladies. Some people don't understand that the decision to tell people that we are having trouble getting pregnant is a challenging and emotional one. Arriving at the decision of IVF is a roller coaster ride of emotion and disappointments. As I am learning the hard way, sometimes we need to keep our decisions to ourselves; between the unsolicited advice and disappointment of those who say they love us, at times it seems less stressful / painful to keep our feelings and thoughts to ourselves (that is why I am glad for this site).



Don't get me wrong, I do understand that sometimes some family members and friends mean well, but they just don't know how to go about providing us support. Considering that so many people have suffered with infertility in this world, you will think that we as a society, would be more informed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time. On the other hand, there are people that have their beliefs and do not want to budge about them. They only see things in black and white....there is a grey area most of the time.

People need to understand that infertility is a very painful struggle. I feel the pain is like the grief that you feel when we lose a love one, but the difference being that it is a recurring grief, when you lose someone thy are never coming back.

Message edited 11/13/2010 7:25:46 AM.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

I agree with the rest of the girls... Its not really any of her business...

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

I am so sorry. As a pp said, you need to follow your heart.

Whenever I see a pg person or someone with a baby, I am in awe of one of G-d's miracles. I never think about how they were conceived! Do you think she would ask? Is it really her business???

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Um, tell her to mind her own business. Tell her she should be very concerned about the pedophile priests in the catholic church. Sorry, I despise religion.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

First off, to you, i can't imagine going thru IF ANDDDDDD dealing with DH dx. You are an incredibly strong woman !

Second, F that nun..

Signed,

A woman who went to Roman Catholic school her entire life, loves her church and her GOD.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

I totally agree with all of the pp. I also want to add that the nun is an extremist and she wrote that letter only to hurt you and not to advise you. People like her have are very confused. Think about it: religious extremists have a problem with abortions on one hand and IVF on the other. In other words they have a problem with both the concept of termination of life and also with trying everything possible for the creation of life.... Two very contradictory concepts....talk about confused

Unless people like her think that we should just accept whatever life brings us....hhmmmm wouldn't that mean then that if we get really sick and need surgery, for example when we get a heart attack, then we shouldn't seek medical attention because God wants us to suffer the consequences.... I don't think so.....

I'm a very religious person myself. I'm Christian Orthodox which is considered to be even more stict in ideology than Catholisism, but I'm also a scientist and I trully believe that science and religion go hand in hand. God created human beings with the intellectual capability to make scientific advancements in life and come up with open heart surgery, IVF etc. Nobody needs to sit around and suffer the concequences of illness and other medical conditions without doing anything to help themselves. If she doesn't want to go to the emergency room when she gets a heart attack that is her choice I guess...even though it doesn't seem to me that an action like would show that she values her life so much which would be a sin in her book.....

Sorry for the long response but people like her really get under my skin. If she really wanted to help you she should have said a prayer for you or mailed you a letter with a prayer for you to say to help you through these difficult times

Good Luck to you with everything and don't pay attention to idiots like her. She's just a bitter B!tch! Vent over.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

This is such an individual and personal journey - she has every right to hold her opinion about fertility treatments, but she does NOT, in any way, shape or form have any right to send you a letter to someone in as emotional a state as you are, telling them that she believes their individual choice is wrong. It speaks volumes to her own lack of compassion and understanding, which, from what I understand, is also an integral part of her religion.

It's simply hypocritical and deplorable - I'm sorry

I too tell everyone I stumble upon about my journey through IVF, to help anyone who is at a crossroads. Thankfully, I've never met that kind of response. And if I did, they would regret it...

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Thank you for your support and the opportunity to let me vent ladies

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Burn that letter. Don't even give it a second thought. It's none of her business... nun or not.

I'm catholic. FIL is a Deacon. I have VERY MANY issues with the catholic church, their "teachings", the way they impose their beliefs on you, and the way they go about handling situations.

You are absolutely correct to be upset over this letter AND the fact that she showed zero concern for his health issue.

It was incredibly wrong of her to write this letter to begin with. Try to ignore what she wrote. It's not even worth it.

Go ahead with your IVF plans. Best of Luck to you.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

I have a dear close friend who is a catholic priest. He lives in Ghana. He comes to long Island every June and stays till Sept. Our Lady of Lords is the name of the parish in Malverne... He has been my friend for 12 years.. I tell him everything .. He supported and prayed for my IVF the entire 4 year struggle , heart breaks , and final MIRACLE. He never once said any of this to me ???? Please do not let this nun represent the entire religion as a whole... I can give you his e mail address.. I would love for you to talk to him .

Keep talking to God and praying your prayer.. Dont let anything stop you from getting close to him.. the enemy is thriving on this.. God knows you, this process is drawing you closer..

Fight the good fight....

Luke 11:9 "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek ...
"And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened ...

You go through your IVF and when your holding your child you will KNOW this is GOD's gift to you.

Message edited 11/14/2010 9:12:13 AM.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

The Catholic Church IS against IVF (as are other individuals and institutions). That cannot be argued.

The nun was simply trying to share her beliefs. Take them or leave them. All this bashing of the nun and Catholic Church is rather unnecessary, IMO.

That said, I wish you much luck in your journey.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Posted by HereIAm

The Catholic Church IS against IVF (as are other individuals and institutions). That cannot be argued.

The nun was simply trying to share her beliefs. Take them or leave them. All this bashing of the nun and Catholic Church is rather unnecessary, IMO.

That said, I wish you much luck in your journey.

Message edited 11/14/2010 11:18:18 AM.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Posted by Diana712

Posted by HereIAm

The Catholic Church IS against IVF (as are other individuals and institutions). That cannot be argued.

The nun was simply trying to share her beliefs. Take them or leave them. All this bashing of the nun and Catholic Church is rather unnecessary, IMO.

That said, I wish you much luck in your journey.

I agree about the Catholic Church being against IVF, But this is such a hard and sensitive situation to be in.. We all look for support and not a guilt trip on how this may be a terrible sin, and God looks down shamely upon those doing this, during this terrible horrific time in our lives. Its just impossible not to be hurt by this.. I believe the posters are just reacting to there pain.. Try to understand that also...See the pain through it and the need for support.. The rest is just a vent. kwim?

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Posted by HereIAm

Posted by Diana712

Posted by HereIAm

The Catholic Church IS against IVF (as are other individuals and institutions). That cannot be argued.

The nun was simply trying to share her beliefs. Take them or leave them. All this bashing of the nun and Catholic Church is rather unnecessary, IMO.

That said, I wish you much luck in your journey.

I agree about the Catholic Church being against IVF, But this is such a hard and sensitive situation to be in.. We all look for support and not a guilt trip on how this may be a terrible sin, and God looks down shamely upon those doing this, during this terrible horrific time in our lives. Its just impossible not to be hurt by this.. I believe the posters are just reacting to there pain.. Try to understand that also...See the pain through it and the need for support.. The rest is just a vent. kwim?

Yes, I totally know what you mean.

And I also totally understand the pain of infertility.

I just feel that the nun is coming from a "good" place - that she means no harm - and that she just wants the OP and her husband to *consider* the Catholic Church's stance. I know many Catholics who aren't even aware of it!

And as I said, I really wish nothing but the best to the OP (and ALL of us here!). Infertility sucks, and I guess I now realize that was just the gist of this thread in the first place.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

I think her letter and her thinking is blind to the reality of infertility.

It's not her choice or her business.

eta: and who the heck needs added pressure about making the decision anyway.

It also sounds like your DH needs someone to talk to about it.

Message edited 11/14/2010 2:09:49 PM.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Oh my. I cant believe that she took it upon herself to send you that. That is her opinion/belief.

Wasnt there a story where a man was stranded in a tree after a huge hurricane and a boat came by to help him and he said god will save me only to pass up other ways to save himself. he died.

I believe that IVF is one of those things. Sometimes there are obstacles that if taken out of the equation allow for beautiful things.
Send her back a card that says, " I will pray for you, that you will see that god gives us other opportunites that others with only prayers may overlook"

good luck to you.

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Thank you ladies for all your support, opinions, and well wishes.

Baby dust to all

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

I went to a St. Gerard prayer mass when I was in the midst of doing the cycle that resulted in my DS. At the mass, the priest said something about praying for those who were considering doing IVF and help them to see how wrong it is Now - I have been Catholic all my life and I prayed to God every day and thank God every day for my son - so in my eyes, and my DH's eyes, God blessed us with him - and he is a product of IVF - if God didn't approve of it - he wouldn't have made him "happen"!

Re: Ahhhh! against IVF????

Thank you for your comfort l