Deciding on adoption after IF

Really personal question but - for those of you who decided to adopt after struggling with infertility, how did you change gears? By that, I mean, how did you mentally/emotionally move on from the IF journey?
I am really having a hard time taking the next step in our adoption process and I still find myself checking the calendar, reading "signs" from my body, dreading AF's arrival. Is this normal? I feel like I'm still waiting for that miracle though I know it's not coming that way.

Re: Deciding on adoption after IF

We are not having IF issues with DH so it's a bit different.

And yes, I could be essentially PG every month I have my cycle. It's hard! But our chance to have another child with special needs are very high. I already had a m/c 2 years ago. My cycles are a bit screwy (according to me!!!) and very slight but enough that I talked to my OB. I am scared my eggs are not good quality at this point. I am getting older.

That's what keeps me focused on adoption.

I stopped thinking about my own biological potential children and I am now focused on the next big step. Adoption. I am getting my house in order. I am painting the baby's room. I am essentially getting ready just like if I was PG and a baby will come.

Did you do your home study yet?

Re: Deciding on adoption after IF

I haven't done the home study yet. I've read three books and have a folder of articles and other info. I am going to call the attorney today to set up a consultation. I guess it's emotionally I feel off - for lack of a better term. I think it's a fear of getting my hopes up when they've been dashed over and over for years. I just want to get past it and be super excited for this step.

Maybe once I speak the atty and get things moving???

Re: Deciding on adoption after IF

DH and I have struggles with infertility. Our situation is a little different in that I was able to have a baby through ivf. However, we always knew that we wanted 2 childen. When ivf failed the second time around, it was a very easy decision for us to adopt. (DH is adopted and I have family who were adopted)
That's not to say, I don't struggle. It seems like everyone I know is now pg which is a reminder to me that I am not nor will ever be pg again. And I get very sad.
But then I remind myself that my child is out there waiting for me. That I don't have to give birth to be a mom.
It is not an easy process but reminding myself that joys of adopting is helpful
Good luck to you!

Re: Deciding on adoption after IF

Maybe you need a break! It's a huge commitment. Both financially and emotionally.

If you feel you are not ready, give yourself a dateline. Like revisit in 3-6 months the idea of adoption. Don't think about it until then. Just clear your head for a while and maybe it will be clearer what you want to do.

Re: Deciding on adoption after IF

For us, we new our last cycle would be our last. After our BFN, I scheduled a home visit and then a follow-up with my RE and a consult wih the attorney the same day.

I felt so at peace with the decision, even before the BFN, it made that last cycle so much less stressful. I knew whether it worked or not a baby WAS in my future.

I never thought I would heal from the pain of infertility. And while it is still part of who I am, I can honestly say it is behind me. I no longer remember every date, and every detail, like I did before. I honesty have to even think about how many cycles it was that we did, and I am not sure if i was 6 or 7.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. I am so glad we made this decision.

Good luck to you

Re: Deciding on adoption after IF

We struggled with IF for years. We tried everything and basically the reason for not concieving was "unknown". After our first IVF failed I decided to switch gears and head for adoption. Adoption was always in the back of my mind through the years of procedures though. I wanted a child and it really didn't matter to me if it was biological or not. My desire to be a mom outweighed everything else.

Honestly I was worried a little bit about not having that "bio bond" with my DD, like oh her hair is like mine or she gets that trait from her dad but amazingly so our DD is so much like us it is scary. She twirls her hair around her fingers just like I do and and makes the same silly face her dad does when he's eating something he really doesn't like. I am blessed to have her come into our lives and I can't think of anything that would have been better!.

If I was you I would take a little break and just do some research. Take a look at all the adoption options and issues that are out there and just sit on it for a while. You will know when and if your ready and then there will be no looking back. Adoption is a wonderful thing but it takes alot of work before and after your child is home so you need to be invested 110%.

Good luck.

Re: Deciding on adoption after IF

Thanks, everyone, for your responses. I think what is surprising me is that I took a break over the summer and still feel some of the same anxiety I felt going through the IF process. Maybe it's because I have been dealing with IF for so long.
In any case, I have spoken with an adoption atty and I am going to the adoption conference this weekend in Brooklyn. I hope this will help put the IF cr@p behind me and help me move on.

Thanks again everyone!