| Posted By |
Message |
Puppy-Love
LIF Adult
Member since 7/10 1394 total posts
Name:
J
|
Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
I have not told many people about my miscarriage - I really want to tell my best friends but they are at a different point in their life and may not get it. Plus I cannot stand to hear comments from people who haven't been through this before. I made the mistake of telling 1 friend who has never been through it and she just said all the wrong things.
Is there anyone else on here who has heard comments that make them want to scream like..."Oh I am sorry but it is probably meant to be this way," or "Oh it is better off, there probably would have been something wrong with the baby," or "This is natures' way of taking care of a possible problem" and also "Miscarriages are so common and I know a few people who had them" - ughhhh none of those comments make me feel better even if they are all true. I never said anything like that to anyone who has had a miscarriage but instead offered hugs and my sorrow - maybe I am just more sensitive?
Anyway, I decided I am only telling my immediate family and friends who have been in this situation before. Does anyone feel the same?
|
Posted 3/16/11 9:37 AM  |
| |
|
StaceyWill
It's a girl!!!
Member since 6/10 21539 total posts
Name:
Stacey
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
I haven't told many people about it-I mean we obviously told the people that knew I was pregnant and thankfully people just said they were sorry and that was it.
|
| Posted 3/16/11 10:11 AM |
| |
|
Nik211
my little monkey<3
Member since 5/08 3303 total posts
Name:
Nik
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
yea i got a few ridiculous comments when people started finding out....the worst is "there was probably something wrong with it so it is for the best"  well you know what, i still loved it everyday for 2 months no matter what...so that comment always bothered me...
for me the worst is people (who have no idea) asking us when we are going to have a baby...2 of my husband's friend's called him asking if i was pregnant (i dont even know what made them think this, i guess b/c they know we wanted a baby) and my DH told one of them what happened but he was too sad to tell the other...so the other one's girlfriend sent me a private message on FB the next day asking how i was feeling and i thought maybe she found out from the other friend so i gave a vague answer and then she was like, ohhh i thought you might be pregnant...i even got an email from an old friend saying, what is your husband waiting for, he needs to knock you up (or something like that)...then my husband took off a few times to be with me and come to appointments so co-workers assumed it was b/c i was pregnant and one asked and he told them what happened...it hurts him just as much as me so i feel bad he is dealing with it with his friend, co-workers, etc.to me, those scenarios are worst....the "are you pregnant" or "i thought you were pregnant" or "any babies soon" that makes me want to stab people in the eye...the insensitive comments, although they are usually stupid, at least the person is trying to make me feel better...
not a lot of people know but it is not a secret...i'm not ashamed or embarrassed about it at all, that was my baby and i loved it (still do!!) and if i were a little further along the whole world would have known i was pregnant b/c i would have announced it but being we didn't make it that far i don't bring it up to people or correct them when they ask baby questions....i'm not going to say ohhhh by the way....and when i get comments about us having kids, or people assuming i'm pregnant i just brush it off...at some point they'll probably find out we lost a baby and they'll feel like an idiot so that makes me feel better
in the beginning i kept to myself for a long time...things get easier as the months go on...
but yes, people have made comments that upset me....others made comments that made me feel better....and sometimes it just felt good to get it off my chest...
plus there are girls on here who have been through so i chat with them and that helps the most!
|
| Posted 3/16/11 11:33 AM |
| |
|
MrsFishstick
LIF Adult
Member since 5/10 935 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
I know what you mean, it's terrible when people say stuff like that. I get they are trying to help me get past it, but it's devastating. I think about how far along I'd be now and how it's best if we wait a few months because of everything that's coming up soon.
The worst was when I was trying to rationalize it to myself by talking to my mother (who's a total religious nutcase) I was saying "I was only 5 weeks, it was the size of a poppy seed, it didn't even have a hearbeat yet" and she says "But it had a SOUL" Thanks mom
|
| Posted 3/16/11 11:58 AM |
| |
|
Nik211
my little monkey<3
Member since 5/08 3303 total posts
Name:
Nik
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by MrsFishstick
The worst was when I was trying to rationalize it to myself by talking to my mother (who's a total religious nutcase) I was saying "I was only 5 weeks, it was the size of a poppy seed, it didn't even have a hearbeat yet" and she says "But it had a SOUL" Thanks mom
i am not a religious person by any means but thinking that actually makes me feel better in a way...i feel like a part of my heart is missing but at the same time i feel like a part of  will be with me always. how could it not? i actually wear something to remind me of my everyday and has showd me so many things about myself, feelings i didn't know i had in me...and DH and i have this bond now that we didn't have before, we both lost something equally important to both of us and we share something with eachother and that is something no one else can understand but us, knowing we made it through makes us strong...so in a weird way i think of the strength i've had to have, and the courage, the willpower, and the faith and hope that i have now (that i didn't have before) as gifts from
i try to think of the positives...the good things that came from it...i am a stronger woman now, my marriage is stronger...and i think that a little part of 's life is part of me now...whether its true or not...it makes me feel better
|
| Posted 3/16/11 12:23 PM |
| |
|
MrsFishstick
LIF Adult
Member since 5/10 935 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by Nik211
Posted by MrsFishstick
The worst was when I was trying to rationalize it to myself by talking to my mother (who's a total religious nutcase) I was saying "I was only 5 weeks, it was the size of a poppy seed, it didn't even have a hearbeat yet" and she says "But it had a SOUL" Thanks mom
i am not a religious person by any means but thinking that actually makes me feel better in a way...i feel like a part of my heart is missing but at the same time i feel like a part of will be with me always. how could it not? i actually wear something to remind me of my everyday and has showd me so many things about myself, feelings i didn't know i had in me...and DH and i have this bond now that we didn't have before, we both lost something equally important to both of us and we share something with eachother and that is something no one else can understand but us, knowing we made it through makes us strong...so in a weird way i think of the strength i've had to have, and the courage, the willpower, and the faith and hope that i have now (that i didn't have before) as gifts from
i try to think of the positives...the good things that came from it...i am a stronger woman now, my marriage is stronger...and i think that a little part of 's life is part of me now...whether its true or not...it makes me feel better
This is pretty much how I feel about the whole situation. I just wish my mom weren't so insensitive sometimes and just be comforting. It wasn't what she said, but how she said it that annoyed me at the time.
|
| Posted 3/16/11 3:38 PM |
| |
|
|
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
I've been through a miscarriage and I still wouldn't know what to say. Time is the only thing that is going to heal you. It's difficult because there really is nothing that anyone can say that will make you feel better. I didn't tell many people IRL because I didn't want to put them in the situation where they felt they had to comfort me because I knew there was no way they'd be able to.
|
| Posted 3/16/11 3:39 PM |
| |
|
Nik211
my little monkey<3
Member since 5/08 3303 total posts
Name:
Nik
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by MrsFishstick
This is pretty much how I feel about the whole situation. I just wish my mom weren't so insensitive sometimes and just be comforting. It wasn't what she said, but how she said it that annoyed me at the time.
i know what you mean, sometimes you just need a hug...
|
| Posted 3/16/11 6:35 PM |
| |
|
MrsKS
Thank You St. Gerard.....
Member since 12/09 8306 total posts
Name:
Kerri
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
yes. this is SOOO COMMON!!
People say all the wrong things.. and not only that but they feel it's OK to say a lot of things they wouldn't normally say to someone else who suffered a loss.
I had A LOT of those comments. And even worse ones!!!!
Some comments are ignorant and idiotic. Esp the ones I got. I literally had someone ask me if I wanted to have a baby with down's syndrome (I had a trisomy 21) and then WAIT for me to answer her question!!!!!
|
| Posted 3/16/11 10:12 PM |
| |
|
MrsKS
Thank You St. Gerard.....
Member since 12/09 8306 total posts
Name:
Kerri
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Oh and then afterwards... that same girl asked me OUT LOUD infront of an entire BBQ (who all heard her) if I was pregnant again yet??
I wasn't. So I said No. She said "oh it will happen soon, I can feel it because I'm pregnant so I know".
I was mortified and wanted to cry right then and there. I had to walk away. Someone who was literally the furthest away from her when she was asking me about this, approached me later in the night bc she heard the whole thing and wanted to tell me not to listen to this girl.
Really though, if I was pregnant and felt like announcing I WOULD TELL YOU on my own.. I don't need you to ask me about it!! And I especially don't need you to ask me about it so loud infront of everyone when I first walk into a party. RUDE RUDE RUDE!!!
I lost a ton of respect for her that day.
actually interestingly enough... that's the same girl who asked the down's syndrome question in the above post (both incidents happened at different times).
|
| Posted 3/16/11 10:16 PM |
| |
|
MrsKS
Thank You St. Gerard.....
Member since 12/09 8306 total posts
Name:
Kerri
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by MrsFishstick
The worst was when I was trying to rationalize it to myself by talking to my mother (who's a total religious nutcase) I was saying "I was only 5 weeks, it was the size of a poppy seed, it didn't even have a hearbeat yet" and she says "But it had a SOUL" Thanks mom
this would have upset me as well. The whole first part it comes across as she is downplaying the whole thing... and that in turn invalidates your feelings about what you are going through.
At least that's how I would feel. It would not at all make me feel better.
|
| Posted 3/16/11 10:18 PM |
| |
|
citywife
LIF Adult
Member since 10/10 994 total posts
Name:
Expecting #3
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
the worst comments for me were from people who didn't know i was pregnant/miscarried... badgering me about when i was going to get pregnant... so awkward and sad
Message edited 3/16/2011 10:30:17 PM.
|
| Posted 3/16/11 10:29 PM |
| |
|
PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
I had a loss at 17wks and got a range of comments........
"It's not the worst thing in the world"
"Well don't worry too much time heals all"
"It was meant to be"
and the winning comment from a dr in the hospital.............. she referred to my situation as COOL!    don't ask .. this woman needed to be fired.
ETA: I want to add in this process I began to lose faith in humanity and also lower my standards for the average persons intelligence. 
Message edited 3/16/2011 10:34:44 PM.
|
| Posted 3/16/11 10:32 PM |
| |
|
Nik211
my little monkey<3
Member since 5/08 3303 total posts
Name:
Nik
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by citywife
the worst comments for me were from people who didn't know i was pregnant/miscarried... badgering me about when i was going to get pregnant... so awkward and sad
yes, these are the comments i find the worst too....it stinks, i know people aren't trying to hurt my feelings by asking but it stings everytime
|
| Posted 3/16/11 10:46 PM |
| |
|
seasaw
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/09 648 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
i was lucky in that i only had two people (who are married) say some pretty effed up stuff about it, not to the tune of "everything happens for a reason", it was more like "well that's a relief, this wasn't the time for you to get pregnant to start with. i hope you aren't planning on trying again soon"...over a year later i'm still not over it because i bit my tongue for the sake of it being immediate family. people should keep their wisdom.
|
| Posted 3/17/11 12:18 AM |
| |
|
inlove10
LIF Infant
Member since 7/10 70 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
This isn't meant to be rude, but those comments kind of made me feel better. I kept telling more people because i wanted to hear " i had a friend who had a mc and now she has 4 kids" I did want to hear about nature doing what is best. My husband said to me "you know how we didnt like the first wedding hall or we didnt get the first house, maybe we are second chance people." I know this may sound stupid but the hope that we were second chance people made me feel better.
|
| Posted 3/17/11 7:20 PM |
| |
|
JDC112010
He's my hamball :)
Member since 10/10 1419 total posts
Name:
Jessica
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by PennyCat
"
and the winning comment from a dr in the hospital.............. she referred to my situation as COOL! don't ask .. this woman needed to be fired.
omg, really? that is just off the wall.
My SIL 2 years ago had the same thing happen. I didn't know what to say, other than "i'm so sorry, this must be so tough, are you ok? can i do anything? I'm here if you need to talk". and would leave it at that - and 2 months later she was pregnant again and gave us an adorable nephew.
everyone has there own coping mechanisms. i try to use my judgment when people share bad news.
|
| Posted 3/17/11 8:31 PM |
| |
|
KPanas
LIF Adult
Member since 10/09 1691 total posts
Name:
Kathy
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Other peoples' comments were so hard for me, i was almost afraid of being around people in fear of the stupid things they would say to me. I know people dont always know the right thing to say and its awkward but Id rather just hear "Im sorry for what you went through, I cant imagine what youre feeling" or "I dont know what to say"
|
| Posted 3/17/11 8:59 PM |
| |
|
autumn
Mommy to 2 divas
Member since 9/07 3389 total posts
Name:
Lisa
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
my step mom asking me constantly so when are you due? and then looking at my belly
Well you were preggo once you know you can get pregnant again. Well you should start trying again.
Dumb responses like this gets on my nerves.
I had another coworker tell me maybe its not you and its your husband This coming from a male.
I even had exworker tell me if I was reglious I would be pregnant by now. This coming from another male who cheated on his wife and got his girlfriend preggo with both the kids being 1 month apart.
|
| Posted 3/22/11 10:14 AM |
| |
|
Puppy-Love
LIF Adult
Member since 7/10 1394 total posts
Name:
J
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by autumn
I even had exworker tell me if I was reglious I would be pregnant by now. This coming from another male who cheated on his wife and got his girlfriend preggo with both the kids being 1 month apart.
This one takes the cake, WOW! Some nerve of him!
Anyway I am glad I am not alone here. The few people who know (close family) - I have made clear to them that I am not crazy about the cliche comments. As for the rest of my friends, I feel bad that I am not telling them but I just cannot deal with the comments that may come. And I also don't want there to be a pity party and me be some sob story. And then everyone tells someone and somehow the whole world finds out. Soooooooo I am just keeping it to myself for now.
|
| Posted 3/22/11 11:18 AM |
| |
|
autumn
Mommy to 2 divas
Member since 9/07 3389 total posts
Name:
Lisa
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by NotSoSureYet
Posted by autumn
I even had exworker tell me if I was reglious I would be pregnant by now. This coming from another male who cheated on his wife and got his girlfriend preggo with both the kids being 1 month apart.
This one takes the cake, WOW! Some nerve of him!
Anyway I am glad I am not alone here. The few people who know (close family) - I have made clear to them that I am not crazy about the cliche comments. As for the rest of my friends, I feel bad that I am not telling them but I just cannot deal with the comments that may come. And I also don't want there to be a pity party and me be some sob story. And then everyone tells someone and somehow the whole world finds out. Soooooooo I am just keeping it to myself for now.
I told him to go F$ck himself. he gave me a look and said ladies told speak like that and I told him this lady does I waited a long time before I started telling people.
|
| Posted 3/24/11 9:48 PM |
| |
|
MrsKS
Thank You St. Gerard.....
Member since 12/09 8306 total posts
Name:
Kerri
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by autumn
my step mom asking me constantly so when are you due? and then looking at my belly
Well you were preggo once you know you can get pregnant again. Well you should start trying again.
Dumb responses like this gets on my nerves.
I had another coworker tell me maybe its not you and its your husband This coming from a male.
I even had exworker tell me if I was reglious I would be pregnant by now. This coming from another male who cheated on his wife and got his girlfriend preggo with both the kids being 1 month apart.
The coworker:
Perhaps if he was more religious he would be less of a douche bag!! And isn't there a commandment about not cheating... you know the one.... thou shalt not commit adultery... that's what I would have said back to him.... in all honesty!! People in glass houses......
Your step mother is a jerk. Sorry she's an insensitive jerk. She deserves to be told off for that as well.
I find this post appalling!! The people out there that have such audacity... it's just disgusting....
|
| Posted 3/24/11 10:47 PM |
| |
|
LemonHead
Sour Girl
Member since 3/08 5271 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
You are not alone.
After I miscarried several years back, my neighbor said, "Your house is too small for a baby anyway. You didn't really have the room."
I SWEAR!!
|
| Posted 3/25/11 11:03 AM |
| |
|
Luvbug
LIF Infant
Member since 3/11 184 total posts
Name:
LB
|
Re: Other peoples' comments about miscarriages...
Posted by faithann
You are not alone.
After I miscarried several years back, my neighbor said, "Your house is too small for a baby anyway. You didn't really have the room."
I SWEAR!!
That is horrible! What is wrong with people?
I recently had someone ask me (who didn't know we had a m/c or have been trying for so long) "what are you waiting for...your not getting any younger" people are so insensitive.
|
| Posted 3/29/11 10:14 PM |
| |
|
