Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

First let me say that I love my DD more than anything in the world. She is a joy - a really good baby - I am truly blessed.

WIth that being said, I have been struggling with the thought of having more children. If we did decide to have more, it would be sooner than later because we would want the children close in age - but I don't think I want anymore.

We play together and laugh together and have great times. But when times are bit more tough - like when she gives me trouble eating - I have trouble dealing with it. It's all internal - I never let her see I'm upset - but it's almost like I'm failing at the eating part what else am I gonna fail at? Am I cut out to be a good mom?

I am a chronic worrier. Throughout my pregnancy, I thought something bad was going to happen. I had the fetal monitor and checked for her heartbeat twice a day. When she was born I was freaked out about SIDS. I got the breathing monitor and still use it to this day. I worry everyday about her being healthy, autism, ADHD, will she make friends easily... clearly I have issues.

I also still miss the "freedom" - for lack of a better term. I know that sounds awful, but I can't help it.

I am an only child. I loved it growing up - really. I am still really close with my parents, but I worry what I am going to do if something happens to them in the future. How am I going to get through it without any brothers or sisters? I know i have my DH - but siblings are different. Do I want my DD to go through this later on in her life? Will she worry about these things like I do?

Will she be better off with a sibling? Someone to grow up with? Be close with? Bond with?

I don't not want to have children for selfish reasons. I would do anything for my DD - even have another child to give her a sibling. But I truly don't think it's something I want. I don't think I can go through the worry again.

I guess I'm posting here as an outlet. I would love some insight or responses from parents who are feeling/felt the same way I do. I feel like a terrible person for writing these things - but maybe someone out there will understand and give some good advice.

ETA MY DD is almost 10 months

Message edited 7/8/2011 3:16:22 PM.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children

I feel like you at times...I don't know what the right decision is sometimes and I know that will two, I will be more tied down/less flexibility...don't feel guilty about it, its the truth. I think its smarter to think about these things before just jumping in, JMO, so you're not alone. Don't feel like a terrible person There is NO right answer

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children

I have the same struggle.

really, it's a balance. and it's mostly about money. money for us would negate the feeling of being tied down.

b/c with more than one child WE (and just ME and my husband=we) would be. less vacations, no more seeing the world...no more of the stuff that makes OUR life what we love.

some people are totally happy and satisfied with a more "home based" life/family experience.

we are not those people. we have extreme wanderfust, and we want to have our son experience so much of the world.

so, it's either we give him the world or we give him a sibling.

it's a hard choice to make. but the fact that he has so many cousins around him that love him makes me lean more towards the world.

good luck with your decision.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children

I wish I had advice for you, but I am struggling with the same decision. Our reasons are different I think, but I really do not know if I want another. Like you though, if I do have another I would want to do it sooner rather that later, because I'm not getting any younger

When I think about all of my reasons logically, I decide I want to be one and done.

But then I get this creeping, guilty, nagging feeling...like what if she hates us for not giving her a sibling? What if she resents us when we're old and she has to take care of us/deal with us by herself? What if she's lonely? The constant inner struggle literally makes me sick.

It actually makes me happy to hear that you loved being an only. I know it's a tough decision...good luck

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

Struggling with the same thing.

DH wants another one, I am happy with one.


The financial thing is a big reason I am thinking about only having one.

Right now we absolutely cannot afford daycare.

My ILs are my childcare. They already will be watching 4 kids though and most of it will fall on FIL.

He's NOT a young man so I am concerned about something happening to him.

Not to mention the cost of health insurance. Right now I pay over $350.00 a WEEK for health insurance for all of us. I can only imagine that will increase by bringing another child into the mix.

I also know not every sibling is going to get along with their other sibling(s).

Another reason holding me back.

I also work F/T and feel like I have barely enough time for DS...........it would be less for another child.

I don't know.......totally torn.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

you actually sound like a great mom. all that worry (IMO) is normal. i had the heartrate monitor too. DS has glasses and whenever i see someone look at him funny i want to throw him in a bubble forever and then go beat the crap out of the other person.

how old is your DD? maybe you're just not ready and its not that you dont want another one. I would give it some time. and this age is just a stage. eventually they will grow up and be more independent.

for me i'm not ready to have another one right now, but i would like one next year. but unless i (or DH) get a massive raise at work its not possible.

so i suggest you take your time and weigh your options. but just know all this worry is normal and comes with the territory.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

You sound like a great mom!!

I think all the worrying is normal, you want your child happy, healthy and safe and ther eis absolutely nothing wrong with that.

As for having another, it is truly only a decision you can make. To be honest, after DS I was "one and DONE!" I love DS very much he is my world but I missed the ability to go out to run a quick errand or make last minute plans to meet a friend for drinks after work, etc.

I am now pregnant with another (obviusly not planned) and I freaked when I first found out. Although I am excited now, I still worry about how it will effect my son. Will he feel that the new baby is taking attention away. Will he grow to resent it? Or even worse, I can't imagine loving another baby as much as I love DS. As time goes on I realize that a mother's love is not finite and my heart will grow.

That being said I completely understand your thought process. If you don't think having anothe ris right for you and your family for what ever reason, it's your decision. You have to do what you think is best and no one else's opinion should matter.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I dont think overworrying makes you a bad mom, it just shows how much you care for your DD.

In my opinion there are a few things to take in... 1. i have never met any only child who held it agaisnt their parents for not giving them a sibling.

2. you cannot have another baby until you are sure that you and DH really want one.

3. If you have another, I cant imagine you not loving he/she just as much as DD and that love will never allow you to regret having he/she.

4. every child is different so problems you may have with DD may not be there with new baby and vice versa.

5. to me, having children close in age is relative. while 4 years may be alot to someone now, 4 years when your children are 30 and 34 isnt really going to make a difference

just some things to consider on both sides...

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

honestly , you just might need more time.

I always knew I wnated more children after having DS. But I couldnt even think of it until he was 18 months. He was an angel baby but I was just so content for those first 18 months with just him.

Around 18 months I said I want another. But DH wasnt with me. At 2yo DH was like maybe soon. At 2.5y DH was like okay another would be nice. And I was pregnant a month later.

Its not easy having 2...its more complicated that I thought. But DS #1 is 3.5yo and a joy even with his talking back and pushing our limits he is such a helper, he LOVES his baby brother more than words, and he is so independent. Plus he is at an age where he is doing activities on his own, classes, sports, preschool etc. So that gives me time alone with baby #2.

My sons are 3y 4m apart and I wouldnt have it any other way. I know you said you would want them close in age...but maybe a larger age gap would be better for you. My niece and nephew are 3.5y apart as well adn now at 10 and 6 they play great, my nephew watches out for his sister at school etc. So there is nothing wrong with having them alittle further apart...plus it means that you wont have 2 in college at the same time for more than 1 year!!

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I think you are going to find that a LOT of us struggle with similar feelings.

I find many things in common with what you posted.

Message edited 8/8/2013 10:46:16 PM.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I go back and forth daily on this topic.

Your DD is only 10 months. Take some time to let her grow up and become more independent and then revisit the topic. She is still so young.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

Sounds like in theory, you want another-- but are just not ready or don't think you can handle another.

I felt the same exact way as you. My DD is 2.5 now, and when she was about 20 months, the urge to have another kicked in. Or rather, the feeling that I don't want to regret not experiencing this again kicked in.

I am now about 10 weeks pregnant with my second. I'm a regular posting in hiding, until I come out of the pregnancy closet.

I will say that before she was like 20 months, I DID NOT want another. I knew it was right to give her a sibling, etc., but she was enough for me- she still is. But, I didn't want her to spend her whole life wishing she had a sibling, or me regretting not having another child. For the record, I hate being pregnant and it totally sux right now-- but I know eventually, it will all be worth it. And I'm scared sh!tless to do it all again as well-- I think that's normal.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I just went through this and just had my 2nd DD. I had thoughts like you ALL the time. I'm also an only child so everything was just so foreign to me. I constantly felt guilty throughout my pregnancy bc I always felt bad for DD1 and never thought of DD2 while I was pregnant...Everyone told me the second she's born you're love will grow and I cannot tell you how true those words were....I was dreading her birth and feeling a disconnect to her and the guilt I felt towards DD1 would have been too much and its the furthest from the truth...Also, as foryou worrying thats normal if you didn't worry I would worry

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I have always wanted 3 kids so I don't share that with you, but no matter how many you have it is hard at times and great at times.

I don't think you should feel bad at all for only wanting 1 child. Plenty of successful, happy, confident, well rounded, social adults were only children. The disservice to your child would come from having another and being paralyzed with fear and worry to the point that you can't be the best mom you can be for her.

There are pluses to having 1 child too, but maybe when your child is a little older and the desperateness of the worry and fear fades, maybe you will feel different.....maybe you won't.

Jerseychick A is amazing and will be equally as amazing with or without a sibling. Don't make yourself sick about it. There is nothing wrong with being an only child She will never have to want for your attention, never fight for the phone, never have her brother hide under her bed and scare the cr@p out of her and she can just put you and DH in a nursing home

Message edited 7/8/2011 10:59:15 PM.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

Jessica. Thank you for this:

Either give him the world, or give him a sibling.

I think those are the most perfect words I have ever heard.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

i agree with Kelly, give yourself more time. I was like you, but for different reasons for YEARS...over 3. I went back and forth and then was all but convinced I was one and done. Then one day it hit me, and I wanted another. I am now 15 weeks pregnant with #2. DS will be over 4 when this one is born and its what was right for us. We werent ready, we enjoyed DS for a LONG time and things with him are SO much easier now. He is his own little person. Once we came out of the other side of the stressful (even if its enjoyable) and really exhausting stage of baby and toddlerhood, we were way more ready to take on a second. We just werent ready and knew for us, to add another baby with DS so little we would be overwhelmed and stretched too thin. There was no right time, there was just wait and see and eventually it was time. Maybe you are one and done, but as long as you give your DD the most fulfilling life you are able too, she is going to be fine....dont worry, she wont hate you!

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I could have written much of what you wrote myself. I too am an only child and I loved it! Still do. I am so in love with my DS and he is everything to me but parenthood is so hard! Like you I worry about everything, and I mean everything! It's always something. I find it all so stressful. And, I'll admit that I miss the freedom I had before having a child - I miss doing simple things without having to plan, pack up a diaper bag, consider a nap schedule; I miss having time for my husband and just living this carefree life. I love our family with just us and our DS. He is an amazing child and such a pleasant and easy baby/child. I can't imagine loving another child like I do him. My heart just fills with love when I see him, think about him, see him do something new I feel incredible guilt about what I would be taking away from him if I had another child. There is so much pressure from society to have more than one but in reality, there are many only children out there who are very happy and just fine. There is NOTHING wrong with having only one child.

Your DD is only 10 months old so I would definitely give your self more time. My DS is 21 months and I'm still not ready to consider having another. In your head you may want them close were you to have another but that's not something you should worry about - if you have one it should be when the time is right for you. I had my DS at almost 33 and figured I'd have #2 by the time I was 35. Well, 35 is around the corner and it's not happening. Give yourself time. I have recently started to somewhat contemplate the idea of having another. But, the decision isn't made yet, either way.

And, just to make things more interesting, my DH is an only chld too! So our DS doesn't have aunts, uncles, or cousins! And yet, I still think of having only one sometimes. Do what is best for you - your DD will be fine, sibling or no sibling.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I am responding as an only child. As I was growing up, there were times I wished I had a sibling, but I had so many friends and cousins around me that I didn't really think about it too much.

Fast forward to life as an adult only child with aging parents.....I wish that I had a sibling in the worst way. My Dad has Alzheimer's and my Mom is the primary caretaker. She could really use extra help and support with the care of my father. I have a 10 month old at home and I'm not as available to my parents as I'd wish I could be.

Given my own experience, I will absolutely have another child. I feel so alone in my journey with my parents. Sure, I have a great DH and my DD along with extended family and friends, but I don't have a sibling - someone who can truly feel and understand what a difficult journey this chapter is. Of course, everybody's experience isn't the same with their parents. My personal experience has cemented for me that I will have more than one child.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I think that you may change your mind and be ready for another child in the future, or maybe you won't. But if you do decide to have another just to give your child a sibling, I don't agree. There needs to be other reasons too.

I have a brother, 4 years younger. Growing up we were very close. Now, he is unfortunately not our lives, due to severe depression and alcoholism. He did not attend my wedding, and does not know my sons nor does he want to. He keeps a PO Box and has an unlisted number so my parents and I cannot locate him.

As my parents age and they will need things, all will fall on my shoulders, just like it would for an only child. Just because you have multiple children does not mean they will have this lifelong friend that will be by their side. I don't.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I could have definitely written a lot of this, too.

You have to listen to your heart on this one. You are in a really good position to make that decision because you ARE an only child. I think many of us (myself included) have siblings, and so having more than one child was just kind of a given. Granted, I didn't plan on having my DS and my DD so close together...but that's a whole 'nother story altogether

All I can tell you to do is a) give it a little more time and see how you feel and b) DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT. Don't let anyone else (your DH included) talk you into having another child if it's not what you want.

Adding a 2nd child was a LOT harder than I ever expected. A lot of my friends told me that having a 2nd was much less of a "shock" than having my first. They were definitely wrong. My kids nap on opposite schedules (DS naps from 10:30-1 and from 4:30-6, DD naps from 1:30-3). There's no REAL break right now, and it's hard to get out of the house. So, in that respect, I DEFINITELY know where you're coming from about the lack of freedom to do what you want. I really miss that the most.

Good luck whatever you decide

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

This was the topic of a lot of DH and my fights for a long time. He desperately wanted another, and I just didn't think I could or wanted to handle it. Here I am 37 weeks pregnant with another one! For us, the answer seemed to be a bigger age difference....our DDs will be 4 years apart. As DD got older and more independent, I became more like my old self and felt more confident I wanted another one. If I were you, I would wait it out a bit....don't rush it...just give it some time.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I am in a similar boat; I would have thought by now that I'd be pregnant again (DD is 21 months old) but I'm not ready. I get the urge when I see a newborn so I know it's coming, but I think a bigger age difference will be the answer for me. Just to give perspective my sister is 39 months younger than me and we are best friends. My future children will likely have a similar age difference and I'm not worried about it. I think the best thing you can do is wait and reevaluate as time passes. Good luck!

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I have, also, always been a type A worrier kind of person. But, once I got pg, it got soooo much worse. I started having panic attacks during the pregnancy. Then, once the babies were born, continued having panic attacks and also freaked put about everything. I never feel like a good enough mom, and have set unattainable standards for myself.
We are not sure we want more children, after twins, because of the financial burden. But, I also worry about my anxiety with another pregnancy.
My twins are 11mo, so similar in age to your DD. I think this is a little early to be thinking about another. Get through the first year, and once she is more independent, re-visit the idea. For now, just enjoy her.

I, also, want to tell you that I saw my GP about the anxiety. It can actually be a part is post partum depression. I have been going to the gym 4 days/week, seeing a therapist, and I am taking Buspirone now. The meds, and these other things have REALLY helped me. I still worry, like any mom, but it doesn't consume me.
I don't know if your situation is similar, but I just wanted to share my experience, in case it might help.

Re: Struggling with the thought of having more children - long but I would love some help

I love this post!!!!

I myself am an only child, never and I mean never to this day did I want or yearn for a sibling.

I have no fears of taking care of my parents as they age by myself (I was a big part of my grandparents lives as they aged and passed away).

I also have now finally gotten to the point where I have little guilt about not giving my DD a sibiling.

I instead feel alone when society (or my DH family) puts this unspoken (or spoken) pressure on us to have another.

I think many people talk about all that an only child misses out on by not having a sibling but I choose to focus on all the POSITIVES of my DD being an only child and all the great things I can give to her, all the time I can focus on just her, etc.

I sometimes feel there should be a "happily one and done" club! LOL