At a loss...

I have a 2.5 year old ds. I don't even know how to start this and I know it's going to be all over the place. Sorry. So lately he has ben a brat. Like beyond bratty. Some days I highly dislike him and just want to run away. He hits, he screams, he defies EVERYTHING I say and do. I say jump he crawls, I say sit he stands. I will punish him and he spends the whole time screaming. Not crying but just yelling. I finally get him to apoligize and he hits me as hes walking away. We have a new baby. I include my ds in as much as I can with the baby. He is mean to him. He walks by him and grabs his face. He pushes his swing so high when he is in it. Yesterday the baby's foot got caught and he was stuck in the air. I cant leave the room for a second. I do hit my ds. I am not proud of it, but sometimes he pushes me over the edge. I feel like an absolute failure of a parent.
I know it just sounds like a 2 year old being a 2 year old, but in all honesty, it seems like more. He has anger issues. I have no idea why. My dh and I are loving towards one another. I am a yeller by nature. I cant help it. I go to bed at night so dissapointed in myself. I play out the day in my mind and wish to God I didnt smack his hiney or yell at him. But what else can I do?? Ive tried being nice, Ive tried time out. He laughs at me. He is a daredevil and he knows hes pushing me to the edge. He tells me cry mommy, when i say i am sad. he says ha ha when he does things he knows he shouldnt.
In all seriousness Im scared hes going to grow up and be a bully or worse a sociopath. what can i do?? can a 2 year old see a therapist? can i, without sounding like a child abuser who hates my kid?

some days are great and I love him to pieces, but some days he is just so bad.
His sleep patterns stink. He gets nowhere near as much sleep as he used to or should. How can I fix this?

Please help me?? Where do I turn??

Re: At a loss...

i realized i made him sound like a monster. hes really not. he has a good heart, he just has some serious anger issues. He is a polite boy in public, he shares well with kids at the library. he has a good heart.

Re: At a loss...

I don't have much advice except that 2 yrs old is not too young to see a therapist. They do play therapy when they are that young. You can/should definitely see someone too. It will help you sort of your feelings about all this, and even come up with better ways to react to him AND take care of yourself. It can't be easy with a toddler and a baby.

If cost is an issue (or even if its is not) you can turn to schools like Adelphi and CW Post since they have doctoral programs in psycholgy and thus have clincs staffed by grad students and supervised my licensed psychologists.

It sounds like you love your child and want what's best for him. And, it sound like there are some issues going on that are of concern and by getting help, you are doing the best for your son and family. I think that as parents sometimes we think we can handle and fix everything ourselves but we sometimes can't. I think getting help would be a great thing. GL!

Adelphi clinic CW Post/LIU clinic

Re: At a loss...

i think a huge part of your problem is related to the sleep... i bet if you could get him on a better sleep schedule, he would act out less, be less defient!

how does he eat? is he interacting with out children/daycare?

is he getting enough socialization? is he bored?

you are NOT a failure. it is huge that you are recognizing this and asking for help!!!

Re: At a loss...

I would talk to a therapist just for a consultation and maybe mention to your ped too, maybe they can give you some advice on how to handle him and yourself in situations like this.

Re: At a loss...

Message edited 2/24/2012 3:13:29 PM.

Re: At a loss...

Message edited 2/24/2012 2:14:01 PM.

Re: At a loss...

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. Without knowing you or your DS (and because it wasn't clear in your post) do you think that maybe he is acting out so much because of the new baby? Maybe he is having a hard time adjusting to sharing you and your attention which is why he is acting out so much (even negative attention is attention). It might be why he is also acting aggressively towards the baby.

I think that kids deal with the arrival of a new sibling in very different ways. Some take right to it, some are overly helpful, some act out, some feel displaced, some feel like they are playing second fiddle etc. And it's NOT a reflection of you as a parent, nobody can predict how a young child will react to such a big life change and at only 2.5, it's hard for them to really express themselves in the right way.

My first bit of advice would be to try and stay as calm as you possibly can when dealing with him. I know that is SO much easier said then done but based on what you said, he's playing off your frustration and anger. Your reactions are only fueling his fire.

Secondly, try sitting with him when things are quiet and the baby is asleep and maybe read some books about being a big brother and about new babies joining the family. See if you can get him to open up a little about how he feels about the new baby. I know he's young and can't articulate that great but you may be able to get a sense of whether or not he feels happy, sad, lonely, left out, etc.

Lastly, if you really are concerned I would speak with your ped and see if he/she can recommend a good child therapist you can take him to. It couldn't hurt, especially if some of what you're seeing from him is related to the new changes in his life. It might be good for him to be able to talk with someone impartial and the therapist can teach him ways to adjust and enjoy his new sibling.

Like I said, just based on what information you gave my immediate thought was he isn't adjusting to having someone else around that needs his Mommy's attention too. I think it's so common and in no way a reflection of you as a mom, it's a big life change for such a little person. You will get through it, just try to keep yourself calm if possible because when you're stressed yourself you can't think clearly and he will sense that and it will only make the situation worse.

Good luck, hang in there!!!

Re: At a loss...

I think he is old enough to know what's right/wrong when it comes to hitting and hurting the baby.

Maybe he needs a schedule - Supermanny always makes a schedule for the kids - you can use pictures since he can't ready. Make sure you schedule alone time with him (you and him and DS and DH).

Try positive reinforcement - give him a sticker chart (you can google and find a lot that would work).

Give yourself a time out - before youyell at him, count to 10 take a deep breath.

Be consistant and follow thru.

Let him earn choices - of what book to read, what vege to have with dinner.

Let him know that if he helps with the baby, you'll have more time for him.

Let him know you LOVE him!

Re: At a loss...

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough being a parent.
Yes, talk to your Ped about a therapist for DS.
Also, the PP said a sticker chart. I made one for my DS who's 2.5 as well. He's not malicious, but he has expressive delays so when he's frustrated he will hit himself pretty hard. Usually when he's not feeling well he'll hit his head on me too to let me know something's wrong.
Anyway, I googled the pics and put in on a chart. "toddler sleeping, toddler eating, toddler sharing, etc"
Sized the pics and put in on a sheet then bought smiley face stickers at Target. He knows he gets stickers after dinner, bath, brushing his teeth and sleeping in his big boy bed.
Just have to stay consistant.
Make time for him and when you have the baby don't overly do it. I sometimes feel bad my 7 month old doesn't get enough attention b/c I'm working so hard with my toddler. DH and I will take turns so they each get 1 on 1 with us.
Walk away from a situation where you know your blood is about to boil over.
Don't let him show you it gets to you. Easier said than done
I hope it all works out

Re: At a loss...

You are NOT a failure. A lot of it sounds like the age and the impact of a new sibling. I wouldn't start to worry about things like him becoming a sociopath, especially if you see another side of him which you said you and the rest of the world do. Here's some of what I did:

I'd start with a clean slate, fresh day, fresh attitude.

Set up the house rules. Do them together and go over each one. Try to use positive phrasing, like "use nice words" instead of "no back talk" etc. Be clear and consistent about the rules and concsequences and your expectations as well. Stay consistent. even if you don't think something is working, don't be so quick to abandon it, stick with it.

Reward, reward, reward. Sticker charts, etc. Hopefully he's the kind of kid to respond well to positive reinforcement, some don't but when they do it can be life changing.

Get some time for yourself to recharge. Even 30 minutes a day to take a long shower, read a book, just sit in quiet and drink a cup of tea. Whatever, you need that time, every single day.

Good luck! You are not alone and you are not a failure, clearly you are an awesome mom by bringing this up in the first place.

Re: At a loss...

Thanks so much everybody! I am going to start fresh tomorrow!

To answer a few questions:

He was bad befor the baby, things have just escalated.

He goes to daycare 1 day a week, 6 hrs.
I will be switching centers sloln so he goes 3 days 2.5hrs a day. i have an obligation to uphold first.

He is the worlds pickiest eater. he hardlt eats veggies. i give him the organic squeeze pouches to get his veggies.

he sleeps about 6-7 hrs a night. he goes down at 7 is up in his room til 8 or 9. then is up anytime between 11-2 and ends up on his mattress on my bedroom floor.he then sleeps til between 6-8. he will not nap for me at all. i put him in his room and give him and myself quiet time.

thank you all. i am going to make a sticker chart this weekend.

Re: At a loss...

Does your DS have speech issues..can he communicate to you effectively what he needs or wants? sometimes when there are speech issues there are the behaviorial issues that come out b/c they are so frustrated about communicating.

also the change with the baby is probably affecting him. Seems to be a lot of things going on at once.

I know how it is with a 2 year old driving you to the edge. I swear, I dont know how I would ever have another one right now b/c I feel like I dont have enough patience or mental stamina to deal with it.

I would definitely talk to your PED about the issues..he could very well benefit from some sort of therapy. And maybe contact your OB or family dr. to see someone for your self. Having an objective sound board may help you deal with the every day issues.

Re: At a loss...

I do not have a 2 year old but I work with young kids. First of all I couldn't imagine having a 2 year old and new baby.

Maybe try some positive reinforcement. Make a sticker chart (ie a pic of elmo or his favorite character with 10 pics of balloons). Everytime he does something good (ie is nice to the baby, follows your directions etc) he gets a sticker to put on a balloon. When all the balloons are full he can earn a prize or a something he likes. (you can go to target $1 section and pick up a few things).



eta: sorry didn't read the above responses looks like you already got this advice :)

Message edited 2/24/2012 6:14:08 PM.

Re: At a loss...

It sounds like you can benefit from some parent training so that you have some better ways to discipline him. A good CBT psychologist can help you with that. You should also check out the book SOS for Parents. I think the author is Lynn Clark. You have a lot of other options besides hitting and yelling. Time out is just one of those options. There are specific ways to utilize time outs effectively. Perhaps, a good psychologist can help you with this.

Re: At a loss...

I agree with what all the ladies said above, such great advice.

The thing that stuck out to me the most is his lack of sleep. He is not getting enough. My DD is almost 2 and goes to bed around 7 and wakes up about 6:30, she also takes about 1 1/2 to 2 hour nap a day.

Try reading the book: "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby"-there is a chapter in there about all ages.
The sleep issue is something that your pediatrician should be aware of and concerned about. I truly believe that if he were getting more sleep it would help tremendously.

Good luck

Re: At a loss...

Posted by SweetApril

I agree with what all the ladies said above, such great advice.

The thing that stuck out to me the most is his lack of sleep. He is not getting enough. My DD is almost 2 and goes to bed around 7 and wakes up about 6:30, she also takes about 1 1/2 to 2 hour nap a day.

Try reading the book: "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby"-there is a chapter in there about all ages.
The sleep issue is something that your pediatrician should be aware of and concerned about. I truly believe that if he were getting more sleep it would help tremendously.

Good luck

Re: At a loss...

I didn't read all of the other posts but sounds to me like his lack of sleep is playing a major role in the way he is acting. I would concentrate on him getting a good nap during the day and an earlier bed time if possible at night time. Sorry you are going through this. It's especially hard when you have a second baby, he is acting out because of the baby too. My boys are 23 months apart and my oldest had a really hard time adjusting to his new brother and took quite some time to warm up to him and fully accept him. Now a year later they are attached at the hip, hang in there!

Re: At a loss...

Another thing to consider given your explanation of sleep issues, being a picky eater and the impulsivity he seems to exhibit is sensory processing disorder? Maybe something you want to check out and rule out or in if your feeling is that there is something more to it than his just being bad?? You can FM me for some resources. HTH

Re: At a loss...

My DS was very similar to what you're describing. He could be a smart mouth, he talked back, had tantrums, would fly off the handle when he didn't get his way, etc... But unlike your DS, he did get adequate sleep. I think he would have been MUCH worse if he didn't. He even napped until he started kindergarten.
I never had him evaluated because my Dr and his preschool teachers didn't think he would ever qualify. But I did take him to a private behavioralist for a while. Honestly, I regret not pushing for services because I do think he may have benefited on the sensory end. The therapist felt he did have sensory issues and noticed them on their first meeting. That being said, I don't believe she helped at all. I didn't really notice a difference after months of play therapy. I constantly asked her what we could/should be working on at home and she never steered me in the right directon. I think if we had received services through the state, they may have been better equipped to help him, and to help me too.
We have come a long way in the past few years. My DS will never be an easy kid. He still gives me a hard time about something almost daily. But he has learned more self control. I try to do positive reinforcement and we always have some sort of reward system in place. We find that it really helps him work towards overall good behavior when he stands to gain something. We've done different things ranging from charts with happy or sad faces, stickers, and right now we're using marbles. We have a "good" jar and a "bad" jar. He gets a marble for things like getting himself ready in the morning, not giving me a hard time (he can be slow and crabby in the morning. It got to the point some days where I wound up with a headache before even getting him on the bus), if we catch him being extra nice to his brother, doing things without even being asked (clearing his plates, brushing his teeth), things like that. He loses a marble for talking back, hitting his brother, whining incessantly, etc...
And trust me, you are not a bad mom, you are a frustrated mom. I am also a yelled by nature, and my kids do get yelled at sometimes. And my DS has been spanked. But I honestly haven't spanked him in well over a year. A kid like your DS and mine will not respond to spankings. Most of what they do is almost out of their control. They can't stop themselves or think of the consequences in the heat of the moment.
Feel free to fm me if you want to talk more.