Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this-updated

First off, I want to say that if I am posting this on the wrong board, please tell me. I'm not sure when it fits best.

Here is my story: I was on the infertility boards a couple of years ago. I did not post much, but learned so much from all of the wonderful women on that board. My DH and I did several (I think 5) IUI's and 2 IVF's..I never got pregnant. I had very large fibroids and eventually needed to get a hysterectomy.
Since then we have adopted the most beautiful, healthy, happy baby girl! She is our everything!! She is now 3 months old and I am so happy to be her mommy!

Here is the part where it gets difficult. We have 2 frozen embryos and just keep paying for them in the bank. It is getting expensive so we need to make a decision. My husband wants to donate them in hopes that someone will be able to use them and have a family. My daughter is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me! I met her birthmom and will be forever grateful to her. That being said, I am having a difficult time imagining our embryos with someone else. I really do want to help a couple that is having difficulty, but something in me is making this decision hard.

I feel like I am rambling, but just need to vent. Bottom line is, our daughter is our daughter. I know I didn't give birth to her but she is ours. The embryos could potentially give someone what we have....
What do we do, donate, destroy (sounds so horrible) or keep paying??
I am not looking for an answer as to what to do, I would just love to hear your thoughts.
TIA

Thank you all for your thoughts. I guess I will just need to think about it for a while. To respond to some of your comments: since I had a hysterectomy, I can't do IVF again. As fro a gestational carrier, we just don't have the money for it. Adoption cost a lot of money and we are just getting back on our feet again. If we tried a carrier and it didn't work, we would be out the money.
I guess the real question I have to ask myself is would I be happy or jealous to know that someone had a baby using our embryos. I truly want to be happy for someone because I know what a gift it is to have a child-any way you have it, but I don't know if the wondering would make me crazy....
Thanks again ladies!!

Message edited 6/10/2012 10:38:49 AM.

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this

First of all -- congratulations on your daughter!

Now, think about one day finding out that you had a biological child out there with another family. How would that make you feel? Do you think you would be happy for the family or insanely jealous? I think you should try making a decision from there. I don't think I could ever donate eggs for that reason, but I think it's great that people do!

Good luck with whatever you do!

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this

When i was signing the consents basically i just weighed how i would feel if they were thrown out vs if someone could possibly have a miracle because of them (we ended up not having any to freeze)... and the possibility of helping someone else was just too strong for me!

Good luck!!

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this

I know there will come I time when I will struggle with this decision myself. I really love the idea of donating them but wonder if I will "long" to know if I have a biological child out there for the rest of my life thinking that could have been my baby or wondering if every child that looks like my children are that child. On the other hand what a gift and blessing this could be for another couple, something I would no doubt love to give someone. Such a tough one, pray about it and you will know what your heart really needs to do. No wrong or bad decision either way:)

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this

Did you ever consider the option of expanding your family through a gestational carrier or surrogate? (sorry I don't remember the difference)
I am sorry if I got too personal there, just throwing out the other option, jut in case. What a wonderful story about your daughter though! Thanks for sharing!

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this

first congrats!!!!!!!!!

this is such a hard and personal decision

we have 8 frozen and we still have some after we are done we have decided to donate

we just figured we know what a miracle for us to be pregnant now is and if we could give someone else a miracle we would

there is no right or wrong answer either way and whatever u decide as long as it is what u both want it is the right choice

congrats again on your baby girl!

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this

Just my opinion.. I think that if you are not comfortable with donating them and you do not plan to ever use a gestational carrier or try IVF again, then opt to destroy them.

Follow what your anxiety is telling you....

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this-updated

I know you said you don't have the money for gestational carrier but maybe ther are some clinics that may offer deals? Or if you have a family or friend that is willing to do it for a discount that may be an option?

It must be so hard to have to make this decision. One of my good friends did 8 ivfs and finally got pregnant with a donated embryos. That lil boy is the love of her life and she wouldn't trade him for anyone.

I think there may be some options when considering embryo adoption/give to someone. You may be able to meet the couple and have an open adoption. Not sure how that would work. If you'd like to talk to my friend who did embryo adoption please let me know
[email protected]
good luck:/
xoxo

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this-updated

This was the hardest question for me to answer on the paperwork. I asked myself if dh passed would I want them for the future he asked the same for me. We both decided no. Then for donating which I am 100% for doing I personally struggled with the fact my bio child would be out there and I wouldn't know them. It was too much for me. It's totally a personal selfless decision. And if u can't then you don't. When in doubt don't advice given to me.
Congrats on your DD.

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this-updated

I actually JUST had this conversation with my RE yesterday. In New York having a gestional carrier is not legal unless it is UNPAID and done by a family member or friend so I was told...

Is there anyone in your family/friends that would be willing to carry for you? I know that is a HUGE thing to ask of someone but maybe you can bring it up in casual conversation to your friends/family and see if anyone offers...

I can understand how difficult this decision is for you. I was faced last year with the possibliity of not being able to carry my own child and would have to either find a gestational carrier or adopt.

Until you are 1000000% positive on what you want to do I would highly suggest you keep paying for your frosties. Once they are donated you cannot get them back.

Good Luck in your decision making and dont rush it
Donation is an AMAZING thing you can do for another couple as is adoption. It takes such selflessness and a giving heart to do both (from either end). Weigh out your options both emotionally and financially before you make a decision though... make sure it is the best for you and your family.

No matter what you decide there are plenty of people on this board that will love and support you through your decision. xoxoxoxo

Re: Really sensitive topic...but I need to discuss this-updated

You mentioned if you tried a carrier and it didn't work you would be out the money... It's actually not true! We are going through gestational surrogacy and though it costs a lot, if the cycle fails or if there's a miscarriage, you are really out the cost of a failed cycle and some other random fees. It's a lot of money still, don't get me wrong.... but just don't make the decision to not use a carrier with the idea that if it doesn't work you are out the full cost of gestational surrogacy! If you a have any questions about the process, feel free to to FM! We are going through it now.

ETA: The pp mentioned it not being legal - it actually is, if the surrogate is not located in NYS.

Message edited 7/12/2012 5:24:45 PM.