How to tell a friend who has had multiple miscarriages about pregnancy?

I hope you ladies do not mind me posting here. I have a question that you may be able to help me with. I just found out we are PG with #3. This was a total surprise, we had said we were done but I'm happy to be on this journey again. One of my closest friends has been on a long journey to get PG with her 2nd and has finally decided to stop. She couldn't get pregnant for over a year and than had multiple devastating miscarriages. It has been very difficult for her to deal with other people's healthy pregnancies and be around newborns. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I know it will be next to impossible to keep this news from her for long. Any advice on how to approach this?

How to tell a friend who has had multiple miscarriages about pregnancy?

First of all, congrats on your pregnancy! It was hard for me after one, so I can only imagine how it must feel for her.

Its hard because it becomes all you think about, especially right after it happens, and then it suddenly seems like babies are all around you or maybe its that you're just noticing it more, but for me it almost felt like it was being shoved in my face.

I think the fact that you are asking this question shows that you are sensitive to her feelings. I am sure she will be happy for you- of course she probably won't be able to help feeling a little jealous and sad... but I think if you present it in a way that lets her know that you dont want to make her feel upset or resentful, but that you wanted to tell her before she heard it from anyone else, but you promise not to talk about it if it makes her feel uncomfortable.

My friends that actually showed concern, asked how I was feeling and let me talk about what I went through actually made me feel better about it. It was the ones who were went on and on talking about their own children and pregnancies without even considering my feelings or asking how I was doing that made me feel upset.

You may have to walk on eggshells a little bit, but I think if you show that you are concerned about your friend's feelings, she will be happy for you.

Good luck!!!

Re: How to tell a friend who has had multiple miscarriages about pregnancy?

One thing I think it important (at least to me) is don't tell her in person. If you do, she will have no escape to have her true emotions right away. If that makes sense.

I'd tell her on the phone or even through an email. Saying you know how hard its been for her and you didn't want to upset her, etc etc etc. Pretty much say how you feel.

Also, I would refrain from talking about the pregnancy unless she asks. I'd answer her question do a lil back and forth and change the subject. It may be a little uncomfortable for you both in the beginning but eventually it will be better.

I'm just going on what I think I'd be able to handle after my loss. No matter how happy I am for a friend or family member when they get pregnant, it's so hard. So very hard for me to put on the smile and talk baby with them. So if you can avoid putting her through that strain, I would.

Good luck and Congratulation

How to tell a friend who has had multiple miscarriages about pregnancy?

Thank you both. I think I may send her an email, we email back and forth most of the day anyway so it's a pretty common form of communication for us. I'm ok with feeling things out and taking it day by day. I just don't want to cause her any more pain, it has been a rough two years for her.

Re: How to tell a friend who has had multiple miscarriages about pregnancy?

Re: How to tell a friend who has had multiple miscarriages about pregnancy?

I wouldn't announce to her till at least after the first trimester. From HER perspective since you said she has had multiple losses, she may feel bad that not only are you pregnant, but you feel confident enough to come out at such an early stage. I'm not saying that YOU shouldn't feel great about your news, just saying how she may interpret it a very early announcement. Personally, that is how I wold feel. (like, wow must be nice to feel so great about things so early on, I'll never get that feeling). It's nothing against you... but when someone is going through infertility and losses, it's never about the person who is pregnant.

I also wouldn't complain about anything pregnancy related. You're nauseous? Complain on here. Tell your dh. Call one of your other friends... but she definitely won't want to hear that you've been having the worst morning sickness ever and it's really kicking your ass. I'm sure she would give her left arm to get and stay pregnant. Again ... nothing against you .. and you may think this is common sense, but I had friends complain to me about horrible morning sickness.. weight gain .. and I'm just like uhhh yeah not pregnant over here, thanks!!!!!

Congratulation on your good news, and you really are such a good friend for coming on here to ask these things.

Re: How to tell a friend who has had multiple miscarriages about pregnancy?

Posted by PennyCat

I wouldn't announce to her till at least after the first trimester. From HER perspective since you said she has had multiple losses, she may feel bad that not only are you pregnant, but you feel confident enough to come out at such an early stage. I'm not saying that YOU shouldn't feel great about your news, just saying how she may interpret it a very early announcement. Personally, that is how I wold feel. (like, wow must be nice to feel so great about things so early on, I'll never get that feeling). It's nothing against you... but when someone is going through infertility and losses, it's never about the person who is pregnant.

I also wouldn't complain about anything pregnancy related. You're nauseous? Complain on here. Tell your dh. Call one of your other friends... but she definitely won't want to hear that you've been having the worst morning sickness ever and it's really kicking your ass. I'm sure she would give her left arm to get and stay pregnant. Again ... nothing against you .. and you may think this is common sense, but I had friends complain to me about horrible morning sickness.. weight gain .. and I'm just like uhhh yeah not pregnant over here, thanks!!!!!

Congratulation on your good news, and you really are such a good friend for coming on here to ask these things.

Re: How to tell a friend who has had multiple miscarriages about pregnancy?

A lot of great advice so far, I will also add to not tell everyone else in the world and then not your friend so she is the only one not in on the news.
To me it is salt in the wound if this happens, even if it is with the best of intentions.

I will 100000% agree with what pennycat said about not complaining, Very important.

How to tell a friend who has had multiple miscarriages about pregnancy?

Yes I actually had a friend who complained to me about her morning sickness and whatnot RIGHT after my MC so I would just rub it in her face everytime I went out drinking... it was all I had against her... I did ask her how she was feeling to be fair- but she didn't need to go into detail.