Interested in your thoughts

I posted on this board for quite some time. I often find my way back to the IF board because it was what brought me to LIF in the first place (ultimately, I had 4 IVF cycles). It was a place to get advice, gather information, offer and receive emotional support.

Most women going through infertility issues don't have a place like this. They don't know about the existence or they find other sites which aren't as supportive. Those women, especially, may feel completely alone in their struggle.

In addition to having been a patient, I happen to be a psychotherapist. My own experience made me so aware of the lack of emotional support offered during the long treatment time we go through. My doctors were great. The nurses were great. They were kind and, ultimately, gave me what I so desired: children. What they didn't offer, was emotional support. There was never a psychological component.

I've spoken with therapists who count infertility as one of their areas of specialization. The conversations were always in passing and the therapists never knew about what I was going through because the nature of my relationships with these people was professional. I often heard them talk about a patient going in to "have the egg implanted." I'd cringe. Those of us who have walked the long road of infertility tx know that you can't implant an egg. I would walk away, imagining how irritating I would find it if I sought out a therapist who says s/he treats infertility, and then have to hear such incorrect terms in session.

We all have different things that strike a nerve. For me, things like incorrect terms, from those who claim to be in the know, would drive me bananas. For others, people who tell them to "stop trying and it will happen" can be enough to want to scream. It completely discounts that infertility is a medical issue.

I'm posting because I'm writing an article about the emotional aspect of infertility. I would love to hear from you, my fellow IF ladies, about what you wish people understood about what we go through. What do you hear that drives you bananas? What do you hear that you find helpful?

I am hoping that some support can be offered to those who don't have a place like LIF. I'm hoping that friends/relatives who read the article will gain some insight into what others are going through. Most of all, I'm hoping that those who feel alone will have their feelings validated.

I look forward to reading about your experiences with the emotional side of IF. Thanks in advance.

ETA: Some of you have FM'd responses rather than posting here. Please feel free to reply in that manner if you're more comfortable.

ETA: I think the fact that I mentioned what I do for a living may have made my purpose here unclear, and I apologize. The article's intent is to help women going through IF feel emotionally validated. Its purpose is to let them know that the barrage of emotions they are feeling are normal for the process. It is also to try to give a little insight to those who have friends/family going through it so that they can be mindful of the sensitive nature of IF.

Message edited 3/1/2015 7:17:24 AM.

Interested in your thoughts

Yes, yes yes! I wrote on here a while ago to make sure you "interview" your therapist to find out how much they really know before booking a first appointment. I ended up with a quack job who listed IF as her specialty - same thing, didn't even know what IUI stood for!

I wish people understood that your happiness for others babies and pregnancies and how great it is for so and so turns my stomach into knots and reminds me of all I have failed to accomplish and what I may never experience for myself.

I wish people understood how much work doing IUI or IVF actually is. They don't know about the ultrasounds, the countless blood draws, the constant worry that you have covered all bases and are doing everything you could possibly do.

I wish people understood how completely heartbreaking it is to work so hard for your positive and have hope and then get a negative.

I wish people understood how life transforming becoming pregnant is for someone with IF. It is the happiest of highs as it is has been a marathon race to the finish line. Equally, I wish people knew how absolutely devastating it is to lose that pregnancy, no matter what week it was and to be returned to the land of IF after experiencing such sweet joy and relief.

Interested in your thoughts

Also, don't tell someone who just had a miscarriage that "hey, you can try again, right?". NOT helpful. Or: "at least you got pregnant, that's good, right?".

And please do not tell me about your friend who had 3 IVFs and then got pregnant so I just need to know that it might be a long road but to hang in there. NOT HELPFUL especially when I am on IVF no. 1.

Wow, so much pent up anger - thanks for the release!

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Message edited 2/27/2015 2:30:07 PM.

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Oh boy so many things to say.
1. At some point it becomes about realism vs. optimism so don't tell me it will happen or I can't be negative about the process or be sad or angry, etc.
2. There are no right or wrong feelings. You feel what you feel and sometimes you hate what you feel but it's about as real as it gets
3. Not all marriages grow closer. Some deteriorate. Some end.
4. Having a baby doesn't make it all go away. There can be deep, lasting scars.

Interested in your thoughts

Having a baby doesn't end the struggle. I am still dealing with my "ISSUES" as a result of fertility. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. and I have a baby.

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yeah its lovely to imagine that you could be one of those people that needs IVF and then you have 7 kids on your own... its great to hear those stories but its unhealthy to put too much hope in that... if it happens great but dont count on it...

Message edited 2/28/2015 10:51:17 AM.

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I could go on and on about this subject forever!

1. 'Just relax and it will happen.' 'You and DH should go on vacation.' Or any other variation of that.

2. 'I had a friend who did x-amount of IVFs and then *boom* got pregnant without even trying.'

3. 'At least you're young, you have plenty of time to try.'

4. 'It will happen when it's meant to be/when you least expect it.'

Re: Interested in your thoughts

I would love to help you.

For me I found no comfort in going to a therapist while going through infertility.

This board was my therapy. At times i left the therapist feeling worse, she would ask me about the procedure , how it was done etc.....ummmm not interested in talking about this.

I was also having family problems with my inlaws. They were completely insensitive and had no idea what i was going through.

I seeked therapy to help with this and again, it only made me feel worse, yet another person who COULD NOT understand my pain.

ETA after reading the other responses, i may not have answered correctly!

Message edited 2/28/2015 6:56:36 PM.

Re: Interested in your thoughts

Thank you to everyone who has responded here or contacted me via FM. I didn't want to write the article based solely upon my own experience (as patient and as therapist). I want to include all of the different reactions and experiences we have all had and/or are having. No one talks about the emotional aspect of IF; the focus is on the medical aspect.

People don't know what is okay or not okay to say. There's this internal pressure people often feel to offer advice and suggestions, when sometimes you just want someone to listen without offering solutions.

Interested in your thoughts

Reading these posts kind of shows that everyone is really different in what brings them comfort, what they do and don't want to hear, how they cope, etc. I think the best thing family/friends/therapist can do is be sensitive, be mindful of things that they say, listen, and understand that unless they've been through infertility themselves that they probably will never fully understand the magnitude of how difficult it can be and how it impacts your everyday.

Interested in your thoughts

I want to become an therapist who only deals with couples struggling with fertility. I am wondering if this is a reality... after reading these posts it seems like it would be helpful to some!

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I'm not sure being post IVF I have the "in the moment" feelings still. But what I do remember was it was so much harder not talking to anyone While going through it.
I hated when people that didn't know my story told me to do IVF like it was a simple procedure. Even the RE I had on covering rotation said to me after she blew my first retrieval "better luck next time". My mother telling me she had trouble conceiving and she took meds to have me. she had no idea even though I was letting her know we were seeing a specialist that I was awesome at self administering, from my account hundreds of needles. I pretty much avoided talking babies all together everything made me bananas. I think back to all the did you try this? Foods, positions, acupuncture, crazy things people do and prayer. This board was the best unknown place. we tried for so long only the experiences of others on this forum got me through. I do rememberthe saying hope for the best but expect the worst, the advice that I used not too get to devastated. I'm not sure that if someone that went through it, was a therapist it would have helped for me. My sil did many iui and the first IVF they were blessed. While we started the same journey my path was very different and with different heartache. Its a different path with the same hope.
A friend's going thru it now at the very early stages& I told her I can't offer you any advice just stay positive it's a long (hopefully short) ride but it's the hardest one you will ever take. I hope that helps your article.

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I'm sorry, but I think trying to understand IF as someone who hasn't experienced it is like a man trying to understand what it's like to be a woman: you can pretend & say the right things... But you will not understand.

Best advice I can give is to look around yourself. IF is pretty rampant. Find someone else who went through it for advice. I was opened to a new world when I asked a friend how long it took to conceive their beautiful daughter. Turned out, 5 years & 1 lucky IVF. The friend, of course, picked up on the fact I was asking her an unusual question.

Listen to those who have kids & tell you not to wait & try for too long: odds of IVF success change w age.

My personal code is "it took me a long time to get pregnant with my son" for people who I think may be going through similar. Some are open, others don't want to discuss.

Surely, other paths may be different, but my emotions were the same once I started IUI: personally, it was as if I had something fundamentally wrong with me (reproduction is basic), I was broken somehow. One of my closest friends went through this too & felt unfemale.

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1. The 'meant to be' and 'God's plan' stuff - infuriating. Few things made me feel more angry and powerless than fleeting notions that my suffering and loss was planned and deliberate. One of the worst things I ever heard in my whole tenure of 'trying' was from a Catholic priest who said at a christening service I was pressured to attend by family, "Children are God's gifts to the righteous."

2. The 'it could be worse' silver lining stuff. One aunt told a story, in response to my sordid confession of my IF, about her mother who hid in a trunk from a drunk father who tried to kill her. The point of her story was to say, 'at least you're better off than that'...? Okay, well, 88% of the population is able to just make a baby without struggle, and 65% of women my age dealing with infertility conceive on their first three IVF cycles, so, ya know, can we just acknowledge that I'm falling in a pretty slim and unlucky margin here?

3. "Have you considered adoption?" OMG, this sends me through the roof because it is either a completely idiotic or (more likely) somewhat passive aggressive statement. Idiotic because who the f*** has never heard of adoption? If you are struggling to conceive then, yes, most likely you have 'considered' adoption - maybe briefly and then quickly stuffed the idea back down because you weren't ready to face it, or more in-depth and it is part of your plan B, C, D, OR you've considered it and know you will never do it. Please don't ask this question because what I really hear is, "You need to accept that you can't have children and move on." That may be true for some people, but we have a right to do so on our own timeline, and 'moving on' looks different for each couple. In my case, it would never have involved adoption, probably a career change and a lot of world travel. All these statements ring true for using gamete donation too, which doctors push like it's just the next level of treatment, failing to acknowledge the significant emotional process that needs to take place to do it the right way.

4. Acknowledgement. Pain makes people so uncomfortable. The people who stick around in the face of your pain seem to want to fix it, and that leads to a lot of clumsy attempts to comfort and support, which do more harm than good. Others just avoid - people abandoned me in my time of need because my losses made them uncomfortable. What i needed so much was to be acknowledged. That's hard and I'm so sorry you're going through that. To me, this video says it all on this subject:

Message edited 3/1/2015 9:14:12 AM.

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I agree. I hear about success stories and it makes me happy & hopeful. I'm 38 and having a hard time but i like to hear when it works out for someone.