Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Not sure if this is the right board for this (maybe it should be relationship) but it is pregnancy related, so ....apologies if this is long:

I'm not due until February, however, when I do have the baby, my mom has offered, and I would like to take her up on this, to come stay with us for a week or two to sort of "show me the ropes" etc. My mom lives on LI, but it would be important to have her there over night. She did this for my sister and it worked out really well. Given the fact that I want to breastfeed and may be dealing with bodily issues, I would feel most comfortable with her there.

My inlaws do not live on Long Island - they live in the Midwest (but will be in Florida when the baby is due). This will be their first grandchild. While it has not yet been discussed, I am guessing and think it highly likely that when the baby is born, they will immediately want to come by and will also "volunteer" to stay with us and help out. .......I cant imagine wanting a full house when I come home from the hospital and I don't want my MIL to help me, I want my own mother. I also want time to be able to bond with the baby -- and I don't think its good to have too many people around. I would be happy for the ILs to come and stay maybe two weeks later after I give birth or something - but I have no problem with my own mother coming to stay in the beginning as she and I are very close etc..

My own mother has already said that "if your inlaws are staying in your house, it will be too many people and I wont come -- and besides, I'm sure we have different styles of doing this so that wont work."

I have nto yet approached this with DH (and certainly not with DH's family) -- how do you think I should go about this? I mean, if they want to come immediately when the baby is born just to see the baby for the first day or two while I'm in the hospital and then return 2 weeks later that's fine, but I know they are going to want to stay with us but I just cant handle it (I find them a bit overhwleming and as I said, I think they will look to take over and I wont be able to bond). but, I also think DH may get offended too if I tell him his parents cant come and stay when we bring the baby home but my mother can.

DH has a sister --- she doesn't have kids, but I'm sure if SHE had a chlld she would want her mother there and not her significant other's ....

Any advice on how to approach this with DH or with MIL?

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Just tell them in your most polite way that until you get the swing of things you don't want a house full.

I had to tell my sister in law who wanted to come..Hey listen right now I'm up throughout the house every 2 hours feeding, using the bathroom, changing etc. Lights are going on and off, babies crying, I'm stomping around the house...some nights I was sleeping on the couch just to be closer to the kitchen and bathroom with baby. I'm getting to know my baby and my babies getting adjusted to life. It's not really the ideal place for a house guest right now. In a few weeks when were all adjusted I think it would be awesome if you can come and help when I'm ready for a nice nap!

Just a question though- is your DH taking off work to be with you and baby? Have you spoken to him about his feelings on your mom staying for so long with you right away? I know a first baby can be nerve racking and some people are close with their parents but maybe take the first few nights home for you and your DH to experience this crazy new journey together, it's such a beautiful bonding experience those first few days..and then let people in to come help.
Truth is first week is the easiest...they sleep round the clock, eat and sleep again. It's around 3-4 weeks where they start becoming more awake and start fussing and giving you the "witching" hour lol. You might appreciate more help then.

Message edited 8/28/2015 11:28:23 AM.

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

If it comes up...MIL wanting to stay there to help you just let her know that while you really appreciate the offer, your Mom is going to come to help out and stay over. I'm sure she will understand that you want your own Mom in the very beginning.

I went through something similar with my MIL. She lives in Texas and came to NY two weeks before my twins were born and stay another three weeks after they were born. The first week we wanted to be on our own. Get to know our babies and bond with them but I tell ya...by week two we were begging for ANYONE to come help! The things that you go through when you are running on no sleep, is insane!
I think for me it was different because we have twins but i was like you and against my MIL staying with us at first. Once the babies were born and I saw what I was up against, that quickly changed.
My MIL would spend nights with us and my Mom would do the day shift. It was a HUGE help!

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

I think this is a hard situation because they live in the Midwest and it's a lot to ask them to fly in to see the baby, fly back home, than fly in again in a couple weeks to see baby again.

I totally get where you are coming from, but I think you need to take your DH's feelings into consideration as well.

With my first all grandparents were at the hospital every day. My DH was home with us the first week, and we all bonded. his parents dropped in about every other day. The following week my mom came to stay for the week to help me out. What if they came while you are still in the hospital to visit every day then just stayed a day or two after that to soak up the baby. Then your mom can come help out the next two weeks or whatever.
I just know that I could never tell my parents they couldn't come see the new baby if they wanted to. I would feel horrible, so your DH is going to be put in an awkward situation if that is how you want it.

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

You've all made some good points....I Have not officially discussed this with DH yet (at least the part about his family) -- when we saw my parents this past weekend, DH said to my mother "you are going to come and stay with us and help us out in the beginning, right? You said you would..." so I think he's fine with my mother being there, its whether he's going to get annoyed when I say my mom can come but yours cant ....I think it's normal to want my own mother to help me out....I don't want to deny DH's parents the opportunity to see their first grandchild, but MIL has a daughter too and I would think she would understand that there's a different relationship between a mother and a daughter and a MIL and DIL (and that she would want to be there for HER daughter....unless I'm just hormonal and delusional. HA!

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Can your in laws stay in a hotel while they visit? I really don't think you can deny them seeing the baby as soon as it's born since it's their first grandchild. If it comes up that they want to stay at your house, then just say your house will be full already since your mom has already made plans to stay over. My in laws live out of state also and they were here when my DD was born. But we made it clear beforehand that we didnt want overnight guests so we can adjust to our new life. They stayed with another relative and just stopped by during the day.

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Maybe I'm a jerk...but I think everyone's responses are WAY too nice. You want to be tactful and sensitive to your DH - but when push comes to shove (pun intended) - you are the one that is going to give birth and have to deal with recovery/hormones, etc. Anyone who has ever had a baby should understand that a new mom needs time and space. I think for me the biggest difference between my mom and MIL (they are both very kind and always willing to help out) is that I can have honest conversations with my mom and yell at her (even when I am totally unreasonable). It's just not the same with my MIL. I would just be honest and it sounds like you are more than happy to work out something in the follow up weeks.

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Is there any other family that your IL's could stay with nearby? How long would they be staying for and how long after the baby is born? There are a lot of factors still up in the air. They may never ask to stay with you.

And anyway, asking to stay with you immediately after the baby is born for 2 weeks is very different from 2 nights when the baby is 3 weeks old. So I suggest waiting until it actually comes up (if it comes up) and see how you feel about the specific situation.

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

I agree with PP who suggested having them stay at a hotel or a relatives house instead. Don’t think logistically it would make sense to have them come then leave then come back again. In the beginning you are trying to figure things out and a full house can definitely make it overwhelming. Breastfeeding takes a lot of practice & can be frustrating – my nips used to be SO sore that I just wanted to walk around my house topless – can’t imagine what I would have done if my MIL and FIL were staying with us lol.

Can you suggest them booking their flight like 2-3 weeks after your due date? Just explain you want to be settled in prior to them coming, promise to send lots of pics in between :)

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

IMO, it's your husband who needs to speak with his parents about this. You are the mother, and it's more appropriate for your parents to be there to help out. DH needs to explain this to his parents, while also welcoming them in town and offering to help find a hotel, etc.

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Some very good tips and thoughts in this chain so I won't rehash those but I had a similar experience. My mom stayed with me. MIL wanted so badly to stay too but I felt the same way you do. I told her no while I was preg but she continued to ask (she has a pushy personality). Dh really wasnt helpful with this because he felt bad for his mom. She gave a whole sob story. It turned into a lot of stress for me. I stood my ground but I said she was welcome to be at our house as much as she wanted during the day. This became a recurring issue where MIL was pushy with requests. Now Im pregnant again and I told my dh, if your mom acts pushy or gets on me I am going to say "you are stressing me out" and take the baby in my room and lock the door. Idk if i will be that dramatic but im hoping to make dh more proactive this time. Hopefully your mil isnt as aggressive or manipulative as mine. Setting boundaries is very important!
On the other hand, bringing home a baby is a huge occassion for them too. And even if i hated my mil (i dont) i would still make it nice for her for my husbands sake. I love my husband and i want it to be special for him. Imagine seeing your husband holding your baby and brimming with joy and pride as he shows him off to his family! If there is any tension when you ask them to stay elsewhere (hotel is a good idea), you could try to do something special for them as a consolation. Maybe his parents can give baby his first bath or walk in the stroller. Idk. Just ideas. All grandparents want to feel special. Best of lucky.

Message edited 8/29/2015 2:33:07 PM.

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

I would have a frank discussion with DH and make him tell his parents nicely. I would just say look I am going to be breastfeeding and am new at it and feel more comfortable with my own mom there helping me at least for the first couple weeks. And then they can come 2 weeks later. Honestly that will be more help to you instead of having everyone at once, having help in increments.

My mom didn't stay over, but she lived 5 minutes away and she was a huge help in the beginning. Not that DH's parents weren't but my mom was literally helping me with latching for my kids and had her hands on my boobs. I made her check my incision because I thought it was rupturing (DH was no help with any of this. He was like how should I know?). There is no way in hell I could've had my MIL there when this was going on.

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

I think you may be putting the cart before the horse if MIL has not brought this up yet. Coming to stay with you may not even be on her mind. My inlaws live in CA, didn't come to our wedding, didn't come when DS was born and still has not met him (he is 4 now). My mom did not offer to come stay with us either.

I did not read all the responses, so I don't know what everyone else said.

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

IF and only if the subject is brought up I would take the stance that you need to line up help.. meaning that your Mom will be there for the first week or two and then MIL is needed. If you go at it from the perspective of I NEED you here this time she may be more inclined to be happy to come because she is needed and there will be no other Grandma competition after the baby is born. If she gets ruffled just say to her that you are not to comfortable with people being in the house when you are trying to nurse and may need help with using the restroom, showering or cleaning inscions post partum. Your DH dhould be ok saying that as well. That may scare her off.

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Wow, I have a girl now, it must be hard on moms of boys. If I have a son I hope I live close to them so I am not shut out in the beginning. ;) Remember ladies, especially if you are a mom of a boy, one day you will be in your MIL shoes. Be nice!

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Thanks all. I'm truly not trying to be "mean" to my MIL, or shut them out...but it is VERY different for me to have my mother stay with me than my MIL or ILs -- as one previous poster mentioned, I can easily tell my mother to back off etc.....cant really do that with the ILS. The ILs are a bit overwhelming and I cant do anything about it. They spend their days when they visit "fixing things" in my house, rearranging my refrigerator and my linen closet etc. They don't seem to have boundaries (it would be ridiculous for me to do that in their house but they seem to think it's fine to do that in mine -- DH's response when I complain to him is "they cant help themselves"). I would be happy to have them spend some quality time after the baby is born, but I need/want my mom with me first. Glad to see I'm not crazy for those feelings and see some are in agreement with me.....maybe I am jumping the gun here....just greatly anticipating it. OH and the other thing that bugs me a bit though, is that I could see them wanting to come yet --- they have not ONCE in the nearly 7 weeks since we told them I was pregnant, contacted me directly to find out how I was feeling. They usually speak with DH.....I find it hard to say "come and show me how to breast feed or deal with my bodily issues" when they've taken no interest in me....though MIL could not WAIT to be able to tell people that she was going to have a grandchild since all of her friends have them. Thanks for all the input....I guess if I need to be direct (either with DH or with ILs) I will just have to do so as I need to be comfortable when I go home.

Message edited 9/1/2015 10:11:18 AM.

Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

I had a similar situation. DH and I live OOS and both our parents live on LI. We set expectations early and often. I had DH let my inlaws know that my parents would be staying with us when DS was born and that we would love to have them in town but they would have to stay in a hotel. That is exactly what they did. I think because we told them early and gave them time to plan they were fine with it.

And i definitely agree with you, its very different having your own mother stay with you vs your MIL. You want to be as comfortable as possible after baby. Especially with learning to breast feed I wanted to be alone or with my DH and mom in privacy. I didn't need a whole audience all hours of the day. Honestly it was still a little overwhelming with the inlaws by daily, but I can't imagine if they were staying over and not leaving at night! I would talk to DH and have him talk to his parents ASAP. Even though it seems far away, they sooner they know the plan the better.

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

I want to know who these people are that think anyone who just gave birth wants house guests??? I don't care if it's your parents, IL's, siblings, etc, unless you specifically ASK them to come stay with you the idea shouldn't even enter their head.

I barely wanted people stopping by during the day, let alone living with me! I would tell them that they need to book a hotel room and respect your space.

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue

Re: Need tactful way to deal with a potentially difficult issue