Am I being dramatic?

I probably am being dramatic but I need a slap in the face. So background info: my mother passed away this year. My dad is in Florida right now (by himself with no friends or family of his own accord since he has a house in both places). I have one sister and one brother. This thanksgiving is the first without my mom. My entire life my mother made thanksgiving except for the last two years where I made it. Last year only my parents came (my mom was receiving from a surgery) and the year before my parents came too but my sister and her boyfriend (now husband) showed up for dessert. Last year my brother went to in-laws family and the year before went away with inlaws. This year, my cousin invited us. My brother and I planned on going. My husband works on thanksgiving and is not around. My sister is going to her in-laws. My cousin just texted us that she is not going to be able to have it. So I texted my brother and said “so then there were 6. Do you want to come here”. His reply was we will probably do our own thing. I have been crying for an hour because this is not thanksgiving to me. To me it is about family and to celebrate with me and my boys (while it is what I will do) is not what I imagined. Obviously my moms death is coming in hard too. I just texted my husband to tell him (he works nights) and he basically said “that sucks”. I know that he doesn’t understand because his family sucks and in the 20 years we have been together we have done one holiday with his family. A few years his mom came to my moms but that stopped. She doesn’t even come over when I invite her anyways. I just can’t stop crying over this. I am sure if I tell a friend they will invite me but I don’t want a pity invite. I want to celebrate with my entire family. I literally just looked to booking flights to fl and if I had an extra 3000 laying around I would have booked it. Please give me a slap in the face and tell me I am being unreasonable. I don’t think I am. But I am feeling devastated right now. And I truly know this is a first world problem. I am just so sad.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

You have every right to be sad. Can your dad fly up to you, and stay with you? I would ask your siblings to come over, even if for dessert.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

i don't think you're overreacting or being dramatic. your mother passed this year. you have every right to feel the way you feel.

take a minute, take a night, take two days to feel sad.

process it.

then try to figure if there is a way to come to some kind of "happy medium."

like the pp said...
ask your siblings to come over for dessert
ask your dad to reconsider... he must be dealing with a lot, as well
ask your cousin to come over
hell, even reach out to your in-laws

i'm sorry for your loss and for the emotions you're going through right now. i'll be praying for you.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Re: Am I being dramatic?

You are not being dramatic at all. This is definately going to be a hard holiday season for you all. Is there anyway your husband can take off on Thanksgiving?
Maybe go out to eat to change it up.
I would mention to a friend it wouldn't be a pity invite. Friends invite friends so they don't spend the holiday alone. It might be better for you to be around other people.

Good Luck

Am I being dramatic?

The "firsts" after someone close to you passes are definitely the hardest. I understand why you are feeling so sad. Don't be so hard on yourself. Can you talk to your brother about his plans? Can you say to him that you're having a hard time and that you'd love it if you could be together? Maybe his way of dealing is to "avoid". But maybe if he knows how you're feeling, he'd change his "plans".

Message edited 11/13/2018 6:50:58 AM.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

You are not unreasonable and definitely do not need a slap in the face.

We lost my mom in September and I hosted Thanksgiving that year, trying to hold my family together. It was nice, but damn was it hard not to have my mom there. My sis hosted Christmas Eve like she always did.
It's still hard 15 years later. We've lost my mom, DH's parents, my BIL's dad. My dad isn't sure if he is coming this year, his companion isn't doing well, but my door is open if they do come, even if it just a little while.

Do your own thing with your boys. Start your own traditions. Light a candle for your mom.
If you feel up to it, invite people over for dessert.
It never gets better, just a little bit easier over time.

As for your dad going to Florida alone for so long, men grieve differently. It's probably his way of coping with your mom's death. My 70 year old dad started dating 6 months after my mom died, and fluck was that hard to deal with, my sister had a hard time with that too.
But my dad needed companionship and honestly, I didn't have to worry about him sitting alone on the couch. They did things together, travelled a little. She's sick now, has dementia, and my dad takes care of her in their home. My heart hurts for my dad, and I'm there for him when he needs me.

Giving you BIG hugs, from someone who has been there.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Definitely not being dramatic at all. A couple years ago it was going to be only my immediate family for Thanksgiving because my extended family were all planning to visit our cousin in CA and there was no way we could go. I decided to make the best of it and we were going to bring the kids to the parade and then go to our club for dinner. I actually got so excited about it! But then half of my family changed their plans and I ended up hosting it. At that point I was disappointed that we couldn't do my original plan and keep it just us. I would try to come up with a plan that would be fun for you and your kids but put it out there to your siblings that you are disappointed because you had really hoped to spend this first Thanksgiving without your mother with them. There is no harm in letting people know if something is upsetting you.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

not unreasonable

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Being with family on Thanksgiving is important to me, too. Doubly so since you just lost your mom. I don't think you're being dramatic at all. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I can't believe your brother wouldn't invite you if he planned on doing something at his home. I mean it sounds like it's just you and your kids (if you have any) since your DH is working and your sister is at her ILs. I would definitely mention how much that hurt, though I'd be less inclined to go if I got a "pity invite" now as you call it. Maybe there's something you can do with your family in honor of your mom- make some of her recipes and just make it for you guys, even if you have to celebrate on Friday instead of Thursday? Ugh, either way it sucks.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

You're not being dramatic at all. I would be sad too. Holidays are about being with family. If your brother chooses otherwise that's his problem. :(
Sending

I hope you and your boys have a wonderful Thanksgiving and holiday season.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

You are not being dramatic. I am sorry for the loss of your mom.

Does your brother relaize how upset you are? Did you tell him? If he knew maybe he would be more than happy to do something with you.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Posted by blu6385

You are not being dramatic. I am sorry for the loss of your mom.

Does your brother relaize how upset you are? Did you tell him? If he knew maybe he would be more than happy to do something with you.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

I know exactly how you feel. Once my parents moved to Florida, its not the same. Since I got divorced, I don't have the home cooked meal. It will be my fiance and me. He doesn't like Turkey. If he doesn't have to work Thursday night, I may try to make ham

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Can you have a Thanksgiving event on a different day? With so many families going in so many directions, and living far apart, it's nearly impossible to have everyone in one spot. Doing that means that all of the SOs can't be with their families.

We've done that for years. We have as many of the local family over that can make it on Thursday, and then my sister and BIL, and DW's brother and SIL usually come over either Friday or Saturday.

The focus is on being with family, not necessarily eating turkey on a Thursday....

I know a lot of other families that do something similar. Some have it a few weeks before Thanksgiving, since that's when everyone is available.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

I really agree that the 'firsts' are the worst as someone else said.

This won't make it better, at all, but basically my advice is to make the best of it with your kids and enjoy yourself as best you can.

I am divorced, and my SO has a child with someone so our holidays are always all over the place, so we make the best of them as best we can. Generally we have like 5 people at everything, lol, but we enjoy the 5 people we are with.

Am I being dramatic?

You are definitely not being dramatic. It sucks when traditions start changing. But you can always start your own tradition. My SIL lives OOS and on Thanksgiving they go out to chinese restaurant and then go black friday shopping with their boys. What if you did something like that? Or going to a movie the boys really want to see?

Message edited 11/13/2018 10:29:45 AM.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

No, you are not being dramatic! Of course the 1st year w/o you mom is going to be difficult. its too bad your father isn't around, but I guess he is just coping in his own way.

But what happened to everyone else? What is your cousin doing? Why was your brother free to go to your cousin's but not to your house? I would totally guilt trip your brother & say your kids were looking forward to seeing him.

I grew up with 12-16 people at most holidays, but when I spend holidays w/ Dh's family it is just us & his parents and agree that it just isn't as festive.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

It's already been said, but NO, you are not being dramatic and NO you don't need to be slapped.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom - it will always hurt, but the first is so raw. And, to agree with another poster, it never really gets better, just less bad.
I totally understand why you are so sad about wanting to be with family. It's like we try to make it as normal as we can and we need to feel like some things we're used to will be there to soften the pain. After my mom died, I'd drive an hour every weekend to stay at my parents house to be with my dad - for him but also for me. I needed that closeness.
My brother lives in NC and I think he had a hard time. His first birthday after - and maybe even through now - he wouldn't even answer my phone call on his birthday. He didn't want to celebrate it (without her, I guess.) Maybe your brother is feeling something similar. I would call him and let him know how much it would mean to you - but don't feel like he's blowing you off if he says no. He's likely trying to deal with in his own way.
I hope maybe your dad can come up. My dad tried to avoid stuff, or I guess, he really wanted to - but I'd try and get him to go - for him but also for me.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Thank you all! After a day of crying literally, I feel better today. I put it out there to my brother that it was important for me to celebrate with family this year. He didn’t respond so it is what it is. There is no way my husband can take off. My father won’t fly up. He only went down two weeks ago. I begged him not to go until after Hanukkah but it didn’t work. After speaking with him yesterday, I def think he just wants to be alone and grieve and my siblings and I were crowding him and too worried about him here. I think this year I am going to take my boys to kalahari or something. They are grieving too and it has been a rough couple of years. We need to do something fun. Part of my sadness is that I have such fond memories of big thanksgiving family dinners as a kid and it’s not that way anymore. That’s not what I envisioned for my children. But I need to stop expecting things and just take life how it comes.

Message edited 11/14/2018 6:21:32 AM.

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Re: Am I being dramatic?

Posted by blu6385

You are not being dramatic. I am sorry for the loss of your mom.

Does your brother relaize how upset you are? Did you tell him? If he knew maybe he would be more than happy to do something with you.

Re: Am I being dramatic?