very long, I apologize

Let me start by saying I know this disease is serious. Someone I know very well (not family) passed away this morning from this virus. I know many people who did lose family members & friends. It is horrifying that children are now becoming critically ill. This shutdown was needed, no doubt we saved so many lives.
I struggle with depression & anxiety, and I always have. My parents noticed anxious tendencies when I was as young as three years old. My anxiety manifests into full blown clinical depression. I attempted suicide years ago while I was engaged to my DH. I worked HARD to get to a point where I wanted to live, and where I actually enjoyed being alive.
DH & I have five beautiful children. My 9 yr old DS & my 7 yr old DS were planned. We were done with them. I ended up with back to back unplanned pregnancies, one of which ended up being twins. I now also have 5 yr old twin DD's, and a 3 yr old DD (4 in June). I handled being a working mother to five, on antidepressants, seeing a therapist every Monday night, and relying heavily on my DH for emotional support. I am PROUD of the person I worked so hard to be.
In the last week or so, I have slipped back into a depression so severe that I am back to no longer wanting to live. I have to live, for my children. And I will continue on for them. But this has destroyed my brain with just as much venom as the virus could have destroyed my body. I am watching my 9 yr old slip into his own depression. He hates zoom meetings with his class, because it just reminds him that he can't physically be with them. He had the best 3rd grade teacher this year- and he was cheated out of a full year with her. He cries himself to sleep most nights, and asks me if we can leave NY to a state that is safer.
My DH & I are now arguing daily. He is stressed, back at work since May 4th. We are so thankful we both still have our paychecks. I teach in a Catholic school, and depending on whether schools can open in September or not, I may lose my job. Catholic schools can't survive this- parents aren't going to pay tuition for their kid to sit home. We are concerned if schools go remote next year, we will lose a good portion of our student population to the public school system.
My entire household is on the verge of mental collapse. My parents & in laws were crying daily for their grandchildren until I finally gave in & let them come over on Mother's Day. My 2nd grader has a journal he writes in every night. The other night he wrote "I hate this life. I am sad. I hate the coronavirus. I don't want this to be life". DH & I try so hard to make this happy for them. But they are miserable. We are miserable. We are scared for my job. We are scared for my mental health, for my life.
So please, stop telling people that they are magical thinkers, uncaring, Karen's, idiots, etc, because they so desperately want to believe this is almost over. Hope is all some of us have. Nobody wants to reopen and kill thousands more people. Nobody wants to shove kids back in school with no precautions and hope for the best. And nobody on this forum wants their freaking haircut. We want to keep our jobs and not fall into a black hole of depression and hopelessness from which we may never come out of.

very long, I apologize

Thank you for posting this.

I have been crying for the past two hours over how scared I am that life will never be able to resume, and sadness over all of the events that I had been looking forward to this year not happening.

I am also a teacher and without children if my own, so much of my identity is my job. I live to teach. And I feel like a failure every single day because I cannot give my students even a fraction of what I was able to give them in the classroom.

I lost a very special family member a few months ago and keeping busy with milestone events this year to look forward too helped take my mind off of the grief. And now I feel Iike I am drowning in the grief, fear, anxiety, lonliness, and sadness.

I feel like I am the only one I know who feels like this, so I haven’t shared with anyone what I am struggling with. I’ve never experienced such intense, overwhelming feelings before and it scares me.

Re: very long, I apologize

Your post literally made me cry.
I am so sorry for all you are going through.
Being a working mom to 5 kids, you are stronger than anyone I know and I am in awe of you.
People are so insensitive and honestly they should be ashamed of themselves the way they come on these boards and judge and name call anyone who can see beyond this virus to other things. Other devastating consequences that go beyond fuking Covid-19.
They can't see beyond their little quarantine bubble and their fear of a virus. And they feel SO morally superior for saving the world by staying home and watching Netflix. Talk about a Karen. That's the true definition of one.
I hope you and your children can find some peace.
And know you are not alone. There is a growing number of people who are starting to wake up and see the utter insanity of this extended lock down. I see more and more of them everyday
I only hope our voices can be heard and we can fight for our lives.
Thank you for sharing your personal struggles.
I know that isn't easy...especially here.
I'm behind you 100%

Message edited 5/15/2020 6:12:08 PM.

Re: very long, I apologize

This was a very brave post. I am struggling too. It’s so hard to admit that, because people want to shame us and pounce. But this is not life.

You are not a Karen. You are weighing all the sides so carefully and thoughtfully. Good luck to you and your family. I pray to God this ends soon.

If anyone can’t muster up empathy for the OP, then just pat yourself on the back for your continued superiority and move on.

Re: very long, I apologize

That post made me very sad, but you are very brave. People have been affected by this crisis in many different ways and your feelings are valid and real. The fact that you are so self aware and honest tells me that you are stronger than you know. Anyone who trivializes how this is affecting people by calling them names and telling them they should just be happy they are alive really has no credibility. I know that sometimes writing things out or sharing them with strangers helps, and so I hope this forum does that for you. Praying that we all get through this sooner than we think.

Re: very long, I apologize

Wow

Sending many hugs your way

Re: very long, I apologize

Hugs, please think of these words as a loving embrace whispering calming and soothing feelings to you. You are enough. You are doing the best you can and that is okay. Forgive yourself. Repeat as much as you need that you are valuable. It has to be a daily mantra. Five kids is hard on anyone and just keeping them alive and well is enough for now. You cannot pour from an empty cup. In order to be successful you need to put yourself first. Like in an airplane when they say parents put on your own mask, then help your kids, you gotta take a minute for you. What brings you joy that you can do at home? Take a bath, have the bonbon, win the wine, and have your husband massage you. Make a shirt with a racetrack and have your kids take small cars to run on your back track. Or take a nap, and give each kid a pad of paper with a timer. Put 20 minutes on it. Tell them you are still life and they need to draw you silently. Xoxo

Re: very long, I apologize

This literally brought me to tears. I'm so incredibly sorry for what you're going through and for your kids who've been cheated from so much right now.

This is so hard in so many ways and when you're struggling with mental health issues it's that much worse. Please know you're not alone. Hopefully this ends soon and we can all get back to living.

Re: very long, I apologize

I'm so sorry. You are not alone. Many of ourselves feel this way. I have a hard time getting out of bed sone days. I have to force myself. If you find yourself in a situation that is becoming unsafe, contact DASH in Hauppague. They even have mobile team that will come to you.

Message edited 5/15/2020 6:45:58 PM.

very long, I apologize

You aren't alone, know that. So many can resonate with a lot of what you have said. Myself included. Stay strong and please don't make any permanent decisions for a temporary problem. Hugs to you!

Re: very long, I apologize

I have no words just hugs

Re: very long, I apologize

wanting things to re-open because your how family is depressed is different than wanting things to reopen because you are tired of the government telling you what to do. Or you want a haircut. Or you believe the virus is a hoax.

Were you still seeing a therapist? Can you do phone sessions?

very long, I apologize

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are very brave for sharing your story. And I understand as I have extreme anxiety also. I don’t think people realize how much more complex it is than just stay home vs. not stay home. It’s so much more nuanced than that. And just because you feel one way doesn’t mean you can’t feel the other way. There is room for both.

I agree with tele-therapy, it has definitely helped. Sending hugs.

Re: very long, I apologize

Oh my God, Im sorry you are feeling this way. I feel for you and your family and hope you feel better.
It is a serious issue and you do have the right to your feelings. HUGS.

I used to think it was me alone but when i spoke to friends they say "you should be happy to be home stop complaining" no one was really getting it. my kids are older and would go out back and sit, etc but then I decided lets go to the beaches and parks, thankfully there were not closed but I had no idea. So now we go everyday to Belmont exit 38 SSP. and the beaches on the weekends and it helps.

We are masked and walk the outskirts. There are alot of people there with kids too and dogs. but i have to say people do do the social distancing. so maybe you could try something like that.
alot of my co-workers are feeling the same way too. its tough with kids.
I know if i didnt get out i wouldve lost my mind and God knows what else. depression and anxiety is real.

On another note this 'virus' is def. not a hoax but i dont believe it is what they are claiming it is. something is just not right about the infection rate, death rate and damage it causes to the body and now the kids? gimme a break. its just too crazy. God help us all.

Re: very long, I apologize

Thank you for your brave post

I feel the impacts from this are going to be devastating on multiple levels, aside from the death toll of the virus alone.

very long, I apologize

You are not alone. Have you called your doctor or therapist? I know that sounds obvious, sorry. Hugs.

Re: very long, I apologize

You’re not alone. I have felt this way too. I have 2 kids, but one with significant special needs, only get help on the days my DH is off and I’m also working from home throughout all this, and at one point I was considering getting some sort of anxiety med because I feel like on the verge of breaking down, but I wouldn’t even know where to start. I want to cry every time the governor pushes the date further.

I think there has been a big affect on mental health throughout all of this.

very long, I apologize

I’m so sorry you are going through this. There is a NYS hotline you can reach out to for mental health support. Please look into it!
https://omh.ny.gov/omhweb/covid-19-resources.html?utm_medium=A3Search&utm_source=Google&utm_campaign=EmotionalSupportHelpline2020

Know you aren’t alone and others out there are going through the same thing

Re: very long, I apologize

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thank you for your bravery in sharing, and know that you aren't alone.

very long, I apologize

Thank you everyone. Last night was a really rough night. Today was a little better, we spent all day outside with the kids. DH is now making sure they all get showers and go to bed, and I am settling in on the couch with a cup of tea and some TV. Some days are just SO hard.
I hope everyone who is hurting and suffering right now sees brighter days.

Re: very long, I apologize

Glad you had a better day!
Getting outside in the sunshine and warm weather is so good for the mood sometimes.
Enjoy a relaxing evening.

Re: very long, I apologize

glad today was a better day!!!


i'm so so sorry for all of this that you and your family are going through. i literally can't imagine it. I don't have kids. i can't imagine the toll its taking on small ones. i hope your job is able to continue this year.

the most i worry about are our elderly mothers.

Re: very long, I apologize

You are very brave for posting. You are not alone. We took the kids on a drive and to walk in a big open space today. I cried in the car on the way seeing playgrounds padlocked. I haven’t really been out much so it was so jarring to me. So sad.

Re: very long, I apologize

Aw Naturalmama! My heart goes to u. I’m having a hard time with all these restrictions in our lives but I’d never be able to measure it with others that are having way harder, especially if they have little ones who are struggling as well. It brought tears to my eyes reading ur post and realizing the pain u must be having at times. Ur family LOVES U! They need u, yes, but u need urself as well. We loose ourselves sometimes trying to care for our family, making sure they’re ok, and making sure we’re fulfilling their needs especially during these times, but please know that u gotta take care of urself first in every sense so u can be whole, so u can be a good mommy for ur little children. I know we’re strangers in this forum but if u ever need to express ur feelings, talk to somebody, or if u need something (groceries or anything u can think of) please, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d be more than happy to help! Hugs mama!!!!!

Message edited 5/17/2020 2:00:08 AM.

very long, I apologize

thanks for your honesty and truthfulness. it is such a daunting time in our lives and everyone reacts to stress differently. those who haven't been personally affected find it difficult to believe it is real. we all want a sense of normalcy but don't know what that would be like in the future. one thing that helps me through this is remembering we're all in the same storm but on different boats (experiences)

HUGS