How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Let me start by saying I am NOT pregnant - just of course preparing for the future (hopefully)

My backstory:
I would tell the world the second I got a BFP - and that is what I did with Jack. I believe that anything can happen at any time - and if god forbid something did happen I would need my friends and family there - so I don't find it necessary to wait till the second tri - for me personally.

This time around though, I am very concerned - my cousin has been struggling with IF issues for years - has had misscarriages, and is very very discreet with what goes on. She doesn't even tell my aunt (her mother) when she goes for IVF. She didn't tell her when she had a miscarriage. This all comes out later - sometimes weeks and months later.

She didn't come to see Jack for a month after he was born. The rest of her family was there within 24 hours. It didn't bother me bc I understood (just wanted to give you her mindset at the time) When she did come to see him - she broke down and told us all of their issues. It was very very hard for her to see me - her younger cousin - with a baby.

Now that I am trying for number two - a part of me wants to keep it from her for as long as possible - but - I don't want to keep it from the rest of my family. I am very open - and very close to my family - but I in no way want to hurt her. I really really really wanted her to be pregnant (or have a baby) before I even considered having a second one.

Do I basically tell my entire family and friends - except for her immediate family - until I am much further along in the pregnancy (I am thinking 16 weeks or so) - or do I just tell them along with everyone else - since there is a chance they would find out?

I am really struggling with this and am preparing myself for what to do if/when I am ever blessed with another pregnancy. I would love to know your opinions.

If you've read this far - I have really really thank you!

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Honestly, I'd tell everyone at the same time. Family gets touchy about that stuff and you don't want to worry that you've hurt her feelings by keeping her in the dark, KWIM? And it always comes out! I mean, someone will say "oh you just found out, we've known since xyz date".


I think you are very sweet for thinking about her

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

I understand that you want to protect her by not telling her, BUT if you tell the family (including her mother) then maybe have your aunt mention it to her. If you get pg before her, there is nothing you can do about that. She may be hurt if you tell her or if she finds out by mistake, KWIM. IMO, be honest.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

If you holding from telling because of her, there will never be a good timing. Really! You said yourself she did not come for 1 month after Jack was born. I mean you were PG for 9+ months (I really should say 10 months). Obviously time it did not help.

I would wait for the OB visit to confirm the pregnancy once you are PG then make your announcement.

That's what we did. We had a party and we announced to every one and did a mass text to everybody else at the same time. It was really early which we told everyone and that anything was possible so early one.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

I agree with everyone above and would tell her family at the same time. If you & she are open about her issues already, maybe you can tell her yourself, telling her how much you care about her and want to be sensitive to her feelings.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

If your family can keep it a secret, that amazes me. I was 5 minutes pregnant and mine spread like wildfire. Strangers in the street, people at church, all congradulating me...I hadn't even missed a period yet!

moral of the story, I would not call her, but I would not keep it a secret either.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I would def. want to be the one to tell her - we email every day and so it would have to come from me.

It's just so heartbreaking - and I would never want to do anything to make things even worse for her.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Message edited 10/20/2008 7:41:28 PM.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

ahhhh that kind of cousin.

I would be honest. Call her. I don't know what I would say though

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Tell everyone at the same time. I feel bad for your cousin but i think that there will be more issues if you keep it from her. Hopefully she will be blessed soon with a pregnancy of her own and you won't have to worry about it though.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

As someone who has been there...I would tell her. You dont have to tell her personally but let her hear through the grapevine. That was always easiest for me to handle.

Im one for telling. I cannot keep a secret, and I feel the same way , would rather have support if I had a m/c.

Although this time it was HARD telling people I had m/c'ed b/c I was past that 12 week"safe" mark and Had just told so many people, was in maternity clothes etc. EVERYONE knew and I had to tell a whole slew of people I wasnt PG anymore, and I still have people I forgot to tell this to ask me how I am, how far along I am etc...so I do now understand why people wait.

BUT my point...tell her. I think ( as Iwould) she will feel worse if you wait.



eta- I would also tell her in email, like you are saying you talk by. I had a HARD time faking enthusiasim over the phone, and you need to let her digest it on her own time KWIM?

Message edited 10/20/2008 8:03:55 PM.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

I would say that there is never a good time if someone is having a rough time. I would tell her though b.c if she heard it from someone else she might be very hurt that it was hid from her.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Diana.... have you ever thought of sitting down with her for a lunch, and telling her face to face that you are TTC? It may be hard for her to stomach, but I'm wondering if at least she knows that you are TTC then when you are PG that it wouldn't be as much of a blow to her?

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Posted by dm24angel

As someone who has been there...I would tell her. You dont have to tell her personally but let her hear through the grapevine. That was always easiest for me to handle.

Im one for telling. I cannot keep a secret, and I feel the same way , would rather have support if I had a m/c.

Although this time it was HARD telling people I had m/c'ed b/c I was past that 12 week"safe" mark and Had just told so many people, was in maternity clothes etc. EVERYONE knew and I had to tell a whole slew of people I wasnt PG anymore, and I still have people I forgot to tell this to ask me how I am, how far along I am etc...so I do now understand why people wait.

BUT my point...tell her. I think ( as Iwould) she will feel worse if you wait.



eta- I would also tell her in email, like you are saying you talk by. I had a HARD time faking enthusiasim over the phone, and you need to let her digest it on her own time KWIM?

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

i completely understand where you are coming from but i'd just tell everyone at the same time just to make sure there isn't any people that may slip or feelings getting hurt.. unfortunitly it's going to be tough on her regardless of when you tell her but she is family and i'm sure she will be happy for you deep down.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

I would do it over the phone right after telling my mom. Maybe it's because I'm a coward & don't want to see her breakdown or have her to try to hide the pain when it's so clearly on her face.

I remember my friend going through it. It seemed like there was no good way to tell her, but there was definitely worse ways.

I'm sorry for you & for your cousin that you both have to struggle with IF & the eggshells around it.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Aw, that's such a tough spot, but I agree, you are AWESOME for thinking of the best way to not upset her.

I agree with some posters above: email her after you tell your mom, etc...and then she'll be able to process it on her own. Then you can tell the rest of the family maybe the next day (to make sure she had time to read the email?).

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

i know what you are going through. i have a friend who has had 2 miscarriages after i had my first baby and then i got pg right away after her 2nd miscarriage with my 2nd and i felt SOOOOOOOOOO bad telling her.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Posted by KateDevine

Honestly, I'd tell everyone at the same time. Family gets touchy about that stuff and you don't want to worry that you've hurt her feelings by keeping her in the dark, KWIM? And it always comes out! I mean, someone will say "oh you just found out, we've known since xyz date".


I think you are very sweet for thinking about her

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

I'm going through IF myself, so I can relate to your cousin, and all I have to say is I would be DEEPLY hurt if I felt like everyone else knew but me.

What I suggest you do is, once you find out you are PG, and you are at the time where you would normally announce it to close family, I would tell her first. I would meet with her one-on-one, and be honest - say, look, I know this is going to hurt, and that's why I wanted to talk to you in person, and why I wanted to tell you first. Be as delicate and gentle as possible. It will still hurt for her, but this way, it will help bond you two together more, rather than rip apart the relationship.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

I dont think there is one "right" answer in this situation- since everyone is different.

If you dont tell her it could offend, and if you do to tell her it could offend her.

I think you should do what you want and make that universal. Unless you wait on telling extended family, and only tell immediate first???

With this pregnancy I told immediate family and very close friends, right away. I dont plan to tell work, and other friends until after 12 weeks.

On a side note: my SIL who is ALSO pregnant, and due 6 months before me. Was not happy at all, asked "how did this happen" and made sure I knew that 70% of pregnancys this early "dissolve" themselves.

She has had no complications and STILL isnt happy for me... so I guess you just never know.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

I will say this - you're a lot more compassionate than some of our family was. Everyone knew when we were dealing with IF, but didn't really think twice about how their pregnancies might effect us (e.g. receiving sono pics in an email, etc.)

It's really a tough call, because no matter what, it's going to hurt. And there's really nothing you can do about that.

I agree with the other posters that you should tell her first before everyone else, or at least at the same time. I can't speak for everyone going through IF, or who has gone through IF, but I know that for us, we didn't want to take someone's news and make it about "us". We didn't want to be that couple that you had to tip toe around at family parties - that elephant in the room, so to speak. So, we would be hurt even more if someone delayed in telling us because of our issues, because that was the last thing we wanted.

From what you said about when you had your first child, you might want to consider telling her in an email vs. over the phone or in person. I know email is rather in-personal, but you're dealing with alot of raw emotion and it's tough when you're in a situation when you have to "fake" happiness or excitement. Not that she won't be happy for you, but she will likely have a hard time holding in her own sadness. At the end of the email, you leave it up to her when she wants to set up something to talk on the phone or in person. This way, she can prepare herself to see you, rather than being surprised and having to hold in her emotions.

Message edited 10/21/2008 8:48:00 AM.

Re: How far along were you when you told people you were pregnant - and this is VERY LONG - I apologize in advance

Thank you everyone for all of your great responses.

This is something I have been struggling with since I saw how hard it was for her to come see Jack.

Her sister (my other cousin) doesn't like to be told about pregnancies until 12 weeks - and so I think I will follow that lead and tell their family after the first trimester. Even if my mom told my aunt - my aunt knows how my cousin is and would respect if I didn't want to tell her kids till 12 weeks. She def. wouldn't tell her either bc I'm sure she wouldn't want to have that conversation.

Again, I may be jumping the gun but I have been thinking about this for so long and wish it didn't have to come to this point - I've been praying she'd have her own by now.


I will def. send her an email - I don't want to put the pressure on her to sound happy for us.

Again, thanks everyone for your replies and even taking the time to read this long winded post - I really appreciate it!