Part 2 - War and Peace: The Most Common Mother-In-Law “Mistakes” and How To Avoid or Correct Them

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By Mia Bolaris-Forget

Perhaps Tolstoy had his wife and the relationship between her and his family in mind when he wrote this timeless classic.

Whether your choice is to have your son’s wife address you as mom, or by your first name, remember the choice should reflect her respect for and relationship with you. According to professionals, whatever she’s most comfortable with may change with time and how the relationship flourishes and grows…but that MOM is up to you.

While most brides have tried to honor their husband’s and/or your request, most, no doubt, have a few (other) choice titles for you (behind your back). And experts note that everything from her comfort (or discomfort) level around you, your home and her willingness to share her day, exchange ideas, and include you in family decisions and plans are a good indication of what she (truly) thinks and how she feels. Professionals point out, that especially for women who have a powerful bond with their own mother and strong friendships with other women, excluding you from their circle may be a staunch indication that something is seriously and severely wrong and may be compromising your future relationship with her, your son (HER husband) and their children. They also remind women that while initially it may start out as a “discrepancy” between you and “her”, it more likely than not have a negative impact on the rest of the family and will drag in and down your husband (or his father, especially if you are still together), her husband (your son) and potentially his other siblings (who no doubt will try to defend you and your actions).

Remember, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” and your son’s marriage is NO place to assert your difference of opinion or your disinterest in his wife or her ways. While complete acceptance and agreement is NOT necessary and virtually “impossible”, meeting the new Mrs. On her terms and willingly, graciously, gracefully and enthusiastically allowing her to have an “impact” on the family is highly recommended. In fact, experts say, while your reluctance, hesitance or objections may initially succeed in conveying your point and “hurting” her, in the long run (if their love and bond is strong) the only person you will wind up hurting (and destroying) is you. So, whether your actions are intentional or “not”…it’s important to remember that your son’s wife is probably super-sensitive to your actions and reactions. You also must understand that you and your son NEED to establish a different kind of relationship and graciously pass the baton over to his wife. Most of all you need to respect the relationship they would like to have with you and attempt to accommodate it by avoiding the stereotypical mother-in-law mistakes.


Becoming A Corrections Officer: Remember, while she may “appear” young to you and your son will ALWAYS be your baby, they ARE in fact, old enough to be married and hence grown adults an even playing field with you. In fact, SHE probably stopped taking orders from her own parents quite some time ago (which is also probably how and why she wound up with your son…after all no one is ever good enough for mommy and daddy’s “baby girl”). Just think back, YOU most likely were already married and possibly a mother at HER age. If you successfully survived and expected people to have faith and confidence in you, apply the biblical principal of “do unto other’s as you would have them do unto you”. Offering your advice and experience can be very helpful but try to stay within the confines of being asked. Don’t assume YOUR way is better, especially if your experiences (in a particular area) are limited, and/or if you have no way of backing it up. If you think she should be a stay-at-home mom….be able to substantiate your point of view and give examples of how it has fulfilled your dreams and enriched and enhanced your life and be able to LIVE out what you are preaching. Otherwise, it’s best to say nothing at all. Ordering your son’s wife is simply out of order. Help offered gently, delicately and lovingly is a blessing…but DON’T NAG…put yourself in her shoes and remember that as far as she’s concerned, the only place for a Nag’s head is on a mantle above the fireplace.

Offering The Bride Toxic Meddle: What are you eating? What are you drinking? Where are you going? What are you cooking? Sound like a scene from a discomforting movie highlighting the maniacal meanderings of the mind of a stalker? Well, perhaps you want to consider how YOU are coming across to your son and his new family. While its perfectly acceptable to stay involved in your “child’s” life, some topics should remain private and off limits. You also have to learn to respect new ideas and the wishes of your son and his wife. Just because you have seen your son in almost every situation and in every capacity and have taken care of him since he was (truly) a child, does not automatically entitle you to crossing certain boundaries and without authorization taking certain liberties. If your son and his family have decided to raise their child/children as vegetarians, it is beyond your discretion to expose them to other options because you feel “it didn’t harm your children”…and “they grew up just fine”. Refrain from labeling, it can be downright hurtful and undermining, not to mention emasculating (for your son). Be encouraging instead of “discouraging” and if certain thoughts or behaviors are “foreign”, “trite” or “trivial” to you, abstain from classifying you son, and his wife as “difficult”, “picky”, “demanding” etc. Instead, experts suggest actually “confronting” them on these issues and calmly, open-mindedly discussing them. Even if you don’t change your mind, you will at least have a better understanding of their concerns and motivations. Above all always approach your new “daughter” (and her family) with honesty, and respect. She’s actually more apt to listen to, consider and possible accept YOUR opinion that way….remember if YOU show little or no respect, she’ll have no “respect” for you, your approaches or your opinions….so, in the long run the only person you undermine is YOU.

Imaginary Friends: Refrain from creating an “imaginary” friendship. Unless you son’s wife dated your son for years before they wed and you had established a healthy, respectful relationship, what you have to accept is that while she in now “part of the family” she is still a “stranger” to you and you to her. Additionally, in all likelihood she has a mother of her own, and plenty of friends (of her own) with whom it took years for the trust, confidence, and bond to develop. No offense to you, but if she wants someone to “hang out with” she call HER mom, or one of her girlfriends. Surely, she has to gain YOUR respect, but you have to do the same for her. DON’T assume that just because she’s younger she has to gain your confidence and respect while it’s her families “job” to make your son feel welcome and accepted, it your (and your family’s) “job” to do the same for her. If you want to be part of her (and your son’s) life, you have to give her good reasons to want you to be there. Include her in your rituals and activities, but also try to find out HER likes, dislikes, interests and suggest in learning about or sharing in those. Don’t hesitate to take the initiative to do something you KNOW will make her happy, but if she exhibits resistance, do not be offended, discouraged, or upset. Show love, compassion and understanding and tell her you look forward to her next invitation, at a time that’s convenient for HER….and by all means, next time she makes an offer, DON’T, DON’T, DON’T refuse or decline, she’ll only see it as a retaliatory objection and rejection. Experts further suggest, having and maintaining an admirable life of your own and be someone she can be proud of, look up to, perhaps aspire to, and someone she is gladly willing to include in her plans and introduce to her family and friends. From the way you look, speak, act, to the things you contribute try to avoid anything that’s “embarrassing” to her and make an effort to understand and fit into her (more modern) world. Who knows, you both may wind up having a little bit of fun.

Give HER The Competitive Edge: There’s a song that says:

Hold on loosely,
but don’t let go,
if you cling too tightly,
you’re gonna lose control”

Long Island Family Life & Parenting Articles > Part 2 - War and Peace: The Most Common Mother-In-Law “Mistakes” and How To Avoid or Correct Them