mom vent

Ok so at dinner yesterday my mom was talking about MY future kids. And I keep telling her that there MAY not be any, there may by 18 or there may be none - and I know that she will be heartbroken if there are none so I am trying to give her some warning, just in case.

Well, she starts with the same old story:
why did you get married? why didnt you just stay dating? ((btw how sad is that? but she doesnt understand bc her marriage was semi-arranged))what are you going to do with your life? your life is going to be so pathetic, everyone is going to feel bad for you.

When I explained what we will do: live our lives, work, go on vacations, buy a house and make it into a home, have our nieces and nephews over for sleepovers, have friends over for parties, raise our dog and get some more, just LIVE life.

and she just rolls her eyes, and sucks her teeth ands says "forever? thats pathetic" from a woman who has never been on a vacation in her life. . .

it is just so frustrating. she made me cry at dinner which is SO dumb bc its not like I am 100% sure that I NEVER want kids but what if i dont? what if I CANT?! Will she think the same of me?

I am very close with my mother and currently living with her so its extra hard to see that she feels/would feel this way!

Re: mom vent

Im sorry she feels that way. Sometimes parents are so stuck in their ways that they cant really see any other side of the coin. Just know that not having children makes you anything but pathetic. She may not understand it but Im sure she will learn to accept it someday.

Re: mom vent

I've had that conversation multiple times, with a lot of people. Some of them understand, some of them don't, but accept it.

The ones who don't understand and keep pushing, I'll tell them the subject is no longer up for discussion in the sternest tone I can manage. Then I change the topic. I've had some really stubborn people continue to pester me about it after I've started talking about something else. Or they'll drop it for the moment, and bring it up the next time they see me.

I don't even acknowledge when they mention it, and speak while they are, until they get tired.

That's the most effective method I've tried so far.

But it took a LONG time. Some of the most insistent people are ones whom I love dearly. For them to see my life as pointless and without value was very painful and I spent a few years (literally) crying about it. So I know how hurtful it is.

Re: mom vent

I'm sorry your mom said those things. That must've been hurtful

Re: mom vent

Posted by baghag

I've had that conversation multiple times, with a lot of people. Some of them understand, some of them don't, but accept it.

The ones who don't understand and keep pushing, I'll tell them the subject is no longer up for discussion in the sternest tone I can manage. Then I change the topic. I've had some really stubborn people continue to pester me about it after I've started talking about something else. Or they'll drop it for the moment, and bring it up the next time they see me.

I don't even acknowledge when they mention it, and speak while they are, until they get tired.

That's the most effective method I've tried so far.

But it took a LONG time. Some of the most insistent people are ones whom I love dearly. For them to see my life as pointless and without value was very painful and I spent a few years (literally) crying about it. So I know how hurtful it is.

Re: mom vent

I am soooo sorry you have to deal with this. I am sure that is the "old school" in your Mom coming out. She just doesn't get it. Try not to take it personal, i know its hard. One day when you make your final decision I would truly have a heart to heart with her about this.

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She shouldn't feel bad for you, you should feel bad for her for being close minded.
It's a shame she thinks having kids is just another stage in life that everyone is supposed to go through.

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Posted by woozshle

She shouldn't feel bad for you, you should feel bad for her for being close minded.
It's a shame she thinks having kids is just another stage in life that everyone is supposed to go through.

Re: mom vent

I feel really bad for you, i would be so upset if my mom was saying those things to me.

Thankfully my inlaws and my parents are not pushing for kids and never ask, i dont think they would be to happy if we had kids right away

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I'm really sorry you had to have your visit ruined by this, and that you will probably have to deal with it again and again.

I think discrimination comes in a lot of forms, and that when someone says the "What will people think?" kind of thing, that it's an indicator of that. Like, "What will people think if I have an inter-racial marriage? What will people think if I tell them I'm gay? What will people think if they find out I don't want children?"

Besides, other people's thoughts are overrated! I drive a five year old car, clothes shop at Kohls, Lane Bryant and NY&Co, don't wear makeup, am somewhat overweight, don't want to have children, and am secure the decisions my husband and I have made for our lives. I don't like being judged for them but ultimately, no one's thoughts will dictate what we do. Not our family, friends, or strangers.

You're among good company here Tilde, and hopefully we outnumber the people in your life who judge you for your choices.

We should start a buddy system. We could come to family gatherings with you to provide a united front.

Re: mom vent

I am so sorry your mom is doing that to you!!

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Posted by greenfreak

I'm really sorry you had to have your visit ruined by this, and that you will probably have to deal with it again and again.

I think discrimination comes in a lot of forms, and that when someone says the "What will people think?" kind of thing, that it's an indicator of that. Like, "What will people think if I have an inter-racial marriage? What will people think if I tell them I'm gay? What will people think if they find out I don't want children?"

Besides, other people's thoughts are overrated! I drive a five year old car, clothes shop at Kohls, Lane Bryant and NY&Co, don't wear makeup, am somewhat overweight, don't want to have children, and am secure the decisions my husband and I have made for our lives. I don't like being judged for them but ultimately, no one's thoughts will dictate what we do. Not our family, friends, or strangers.

You're among good company here Tilde, and hopefully we outnumber the people in your life who judge you for your choices.

We should start a buddy system. We could come to family gatherings with you to provide a united front.

Re: mom vent

I totally understand where you are coming from Matilde. It is so hard when these conversations come up. Especially your mom is from a different generation and has different veiws on a Wife's role.

I think that you and your DH will do what works best for you. I am sorry that she upset you. I know you do so much for EVERYONE in your family and your In-Laws also.

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I just wanted to offer you some hugs

We are all entitled to live our lives the way we see fit and sometimes people seem to forget that. Take comfort in knowing that ultimately you both will make the right decision for your life together no matter what anyone thinks.