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Something that happened at a playdate
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beachgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 7967 total posts
Name:
sara
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Something that happened at a playdate
I will try to keep this brief!
DD who is in kindergarten had a playdate with a friend from school yesterday. The night before the playdate I called the mom of the other child and asked if they had a dog ( DD is scared of dogs) she said yes they do so I told her that DD is scared of dogs etc and maybe their child could come to our house instead. She said not to worry that either a) her husband would be taking the dog out while DD was there or b) the dog would be kept in her bedroom in a crate while DD was there. I said that I didn't want her to have to crate her dog or have her DH take him out as I understand their dog is part of their family etc etc but she insisted it was not a problem and that they were so excited to have DD come over. So I explained all this to DD and reassured her the dog would not be near her.
Fast forward to yesterday the day of the playdate, I took DD over there, went inside for awhile - no sign of the dog - heard him barking upstairs but he was not downstairs, thanked the mom for taking care of the dog issue, explained again how scared DD was and went on my way.
Went back to pick DD up an hour later and the dog came bounding to the door to meet me - I could see through the window that he had been in the family room - DD was in the playroom. When I opened the door the dog started barking and DD heard me and started to cry. The DH took the dog upstairs. I went to DD and she was really upset and said that she thought the dog was coming down the hallway with me and coming into the playroom and I cuddled her, thanked the mom and the little girl etc and got in the car.
On the way home DD told me that the dog had come into the playroom while she was there, she got upset and the mom came in and said that the dog was not supposed to be in there but he was so clever he opened the door so she took the dog back with her to the family room where he stayed until I showed up.
I am not doing a very good job at keeping this brief!
SO when I went to bed last night I was thinking about all this and I know there is no way in hell I would have taken my dog out of the crate after promising the mom that he would be nowhere near her child when I knew how scared she was.
Do you think I am overreacting for feeling this way? I feel like the mom broke her promise to me and it just was not cool and I feel bummed about it as they seem like a nice family other than this.
DD said this morning that she doesnt want to go on any more playdates where there are dogs.
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Posted 11/17/11 10:50 AM  |
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Lucky
Growing up fast!
Member since 4/07 12683 total posts
Name:
Dawn
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Re: Something that happened at a playdate
I agree that the mom was not really true to her word. It sounds like she tried BUT you made it very clear that your DD was not comfortable with the dog so the dog should not have been out at all. It was the mom's job to see that this was the case. As you said, it's unfortunate.
Maybe next time you can have the little girl come to your house or meet in a neutral location. I wouldn't send my DD there again, knowing that they have a dog that scares her.
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| Posted 11/17/11 10:58 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Something that happened at a playdate
If you're going to be technical, yes the mom broke her promise to you.
I think saying this "I feel bummed about it as they seem like a nice family other than this." is an overreaction. They may still be a nice family. It's possible that the mom didn't know how scared your daughter was going to be. Even hearing, she's deathly afraid of dogs may not register as the panic that you see & hear because she is YOUR child. Someone who is not a parent may not "feel" the emotions, if you know what I mean?
How you handle this going forward will tell me if you're overreacting.
If you were cutting off this family because of this, I'd say yes. It's an overreaction.
If you have playdates at your house or out somewhere else going forward, I'd say you are managing it but not really addressing the issue.
I don't know if this has been something you've been trying to address but I would work on my daughter's fear of dogs. I think a lot of families do have dogs & I'd hate to see this affect her socially.
If your daugther was highly allergic to dogs & this happened, I'd answer differently. I'd scratch her off my playlist.
Message edited 11/17/2011 11:28:53 AM.
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| Posted 11/17/11 11:27 AM |
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beachgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 7967 total posts
Name:
sara
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Re: Something that happened at a playdate
I am not going to cut off this family just my level of trust in them is changed. This mom is not a parent to MY child but she is a parent.
If I had not called her to discuss this issue with her before the play date and again spoke about it when I dropped DD off then I could see how she might have not been aware but I was very implicit - DD is SCARED of dogs and she was very implicit - the dog will be out of the house or in the crate during the play date. There was no gray area at all. I am very direct and to the point and I thought my point was made and we were good to go.
If I had a dog and this was brought to my attention by a parent and knowing full well that their child was scared of something then I would under no circumstances do anything to scare that 5 year old or a child of any age.
As for tackling my DD's fear of dogs I do need to address this as everyone we know have dogs. I dont know where to start though - anyone have any ideas on this?
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| Posted 11/17/11 11:55 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Something that happened at a playdate
Posted by beachgirl
As for tackling my DD's fear of dogs I do need to address this as everyone we know have dogs. I dont know where to start though - anyone have any ideas on this?
Is she afraid of big dogs or all dogs? I know when my kids were afraid of things, I would reiterate the good - multiple times. As in "So & so has a nice dog, right?" & talk about the postives. When they would say things like "Yes but I was really afraid of x", I would say "I could see you were afraid. Did anything happen?" & try to hear them out. I used this for a fear of everything from dogs to the vacuum cleaner. I know if I played into their fears, it only got worse so I really worked to downplay it if it was an irrational fear (like flushing the toilet ). Obviously there is a reason to be afraid of some dogs but not all dogs.
see if this has anything helpful in it. I liked their point about how puppies are excitable & nippy.
http://www.medicinenet.com/pets/dog-health/dogs_help_your_child_overcome_a_fear_of_dogs.htm
10 Ways to Help Your Child Overcome a Fear of Dogs (and 1 Tip to Avoid)
First, understand your child's fear. Spiders, snakes, public speaking -- most of us are a little unnerved by something. And although our logic tells us a tiny bug or a short speech won't actually hurt us "fear isn't rational, says Colleen Pelar, CPDT, CDBC, a certified dog behavior consultant and pet dog trainer, "so rational talk isn't going to help you through your fear." That means the first step to helping your child overcome fear of dogs is to recognize and accept that that fear is there.
Then, watch what you say. Be sure you're not unintentionally creating -- or reinforcing -- a child's fear of dogs with the words you choose. "I've heard people say well-intentioned but awful things to their kids," Pelar says. "Things like, 'Pet that dog under his chin, or else he might bite you,' or a parent will tell their child to ask a stranger 'Does your dog bite?'" Words have great power to inform a child's view of dogs as dangerous, or as new friends to meet, so choose your words carefully.
Take puppy steps. There's no reason to rush your child into face-to-face doggy introductions. You don't need to force them to be around dogs right away, Dennis tells WebMD. "That may backfire and just increase your child's fear." Instead, gradually introduce your child to dogs, starting with picture books, TV, movies, then from a distance, perhaps in a park or sitting outside a pet supply store. "Gradually increase the intensity of the exposure," Dennis says, "but be sensitive to whether any one step is too much for your child. If it is, go back to the previous step." Pelar, author of Living with Kids and Dogs...Without Losing Your Mind, shares this opinion. "The biggest mistake I find people make is not going at the child's own pace. We need to let them set the pace, let them say when they're ready to go closer."
Meet an adult dog, not a puppy. When your child is ready for that next step -- getting closer -- find a mellow, adult dog to start with, not a puppy. Like little kids, puppies are unpredictable, wiggly, excitable, and when they're very young "they still have the mouthiness going on," Payne says, and "the last thing you want is for a puppy to run up and give your child a little nip." You can also look for a group that does doggy meet and greets, says Payne, or reading programs where therapy dogs go into libraries. "Situations like that where the child isn't immediately forced to interact are very helpful."
Learn a little doggish. In these early interactions, you'll have lots of time to teach your child about canine communication. "Dogs don't have a verbal language," says Case, author of Canine and Feline Behavior and Training: A Complete Guide to Understanding Our Two Best Friends, "so they communicate with facial expressions and body postures." For example, look for that famous doggy smile, which is "mouth open, lips pulled back, tongue sort of lolling, no tension in the face," Case tells WebMD. "It looks similar to our smile and it's an invitation to interact and can be interpreted the same way as you would a smile in humans." To help your child learn these cues, look at a book of photos of dogs, and ask your child 'What's that dog feeling?'" Pelar says. "Then go to a park and do the same thing, look at dogs and talk about them. That's how I'd start."
Search out dressed-up dogs. As silly as it sounds, kids (and adults) are often far less fearful of canines in clothes, so be sure to point out dressed-up pooches to your child. "I found that if I dress my dogs in bandanas, or put their therapy vests on, it makes a huge difference for kids," Payne says. "And it works for adults too -- the brighter the clothes the better!" Pelar agrees, "I always put a bandana on the dog if we do school visits. Something about the clothing just makes people more likely to approach."
Petting a pooch. Once your child is ready to take the plunge and touch a dog, it's a good idea to keep the pooch occupied and let your child pet the dog's body instead of the more-intimidating head. "You don't want the dog looking at your child because the dog's face is what tends to be scary to kids," Payne says.
Prepare for the sniff and lick. When a child is ready to let the dog interact "parents need to understand that dogs check you out by sniffing you," Payne tells WebMD, so make sure your little one is prepared. "Tell your child 'The dog is going to sniff you, and he might give you a kiss!'" That quick smooch can be a dog's way of giving your child the thumbs up, or the canine way of getting to know you better.
Teach kids manners. Safe and happy interactions between kids and dogs have a lot to do with "teaching kids gentleness and respect at a very young age," Case says. So be sure you teach your little one to never push, hit, or tease a dog, or pull on a dog's tail.
Always ask. Finally, the most important thing: Teach your child to always ask first before approaching a dog they don't know.
One way to not help your child overcome a fear of dogs: Sometimes parents get a dog to help their children overcome a fear of dogs, but doing so is "a bad idea," Pelar tells WebMD. "It's too much, too soon. The dog is everywhere. Even if you have a room where you keep the dog -- which I don't advise -- the child doesn't feel safe in that room."
Instead, if you want a dog around the house, try dog-sitting a neighbor's pooch for a weekend. Just "don't make big decisions and commitments for something that may not work," Pelar says.
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| Posted 11/17/11 12:24 PM |
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beachgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 7967 total posts
Name:
sara
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Re: Something that happened at a playdate
WOW thanks northsgirl - I am bookmarking this - lots of helpful info here - thank you.
She is afraid of all dogs - big, small, cute, not so cute, it doesn't matter, she will climb up my legs - and she is a leggy 5 year old if a dog appears.
My DS who is 2 would get into a crate with dogs - he LOVES them.
So its a strange thing when we are out - DS wants to be playing with the dog and DD is sitting on top of my head.
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| Posted 11/17/11 12:28 PM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: Something that happened at a playdate
I agree that you are going to need to do some type of modification program with your dd (I cant remember for the life of me what it is called in psychology) where your dd is reintroduced to dogs. I say this only bc the world is full of dogs and it probably will effect her socially going forward.
With that said, In this situation I am in agreement with you. I feel that you clearly stated exactly what your daughters needs were on this playdate. She didnt follow through. That would worry me in the future with any type of requests you may have in their friendship. I dont think it was a far fetched request at the current time. I would presonally have a SERIOUS problem with what had occured. Also, given that your dd has this fear, she may now not want to go on any playdates or you leaving her anywhere at all. I think what she did was irresponsible. Just my honest opinion.
*I think its called desensitization*
Message edited 11/19/2011 10:50:18 AM.
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| Posted 11/19/11 10:49 AM |
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Re: Something that happened at a playdate
I think she was wrong in trying to keep the playdate at her house after you called.
As a dog owner, I ALWAYS warn the parents we have a medium sized dog and it doesn't get crated, etc, etc. I've never had anyone decline b/c of it, but I don't think anyone has had a true fear either.
That said, it can be difficult to contain an animal anywhere, especially their own home.
If this dog is friendly, maybe this is a good way to introduce dogs to your DD to help her.
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| Posted 11/19/11 7:37 PM |
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Faithx2
All good things in 2016!!
Member since 8/05 20181 total posts
Name:
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Re: Something that happened at a playdate
Posted by Straightarrow
I think she was wrong in trying to keep the playdate at her house after you called.
As a dog owner, I ALWAYS warn the parents we have a medium sized dog and it doesn't get crated, etc, etc. I've never had anyone decline b/c of it, but I don't think anyone has had a true fear either.
That said, it can be difficult to contain an animal anywhere, especially their own home.
If this dog is friendly, maybe this is a good way to introduce dogs to your DD to help her.
I agree. This might be a good way to slowly start introducing her to a nice dog. The fear of dogs can be a bad thing to overcome. I would try to work on it at this age before it really gets paralyzing at some point.
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| Posted 11/19/11 10:26 PM |
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Re: Something that happened at a playdate
My DS is very afraid of dogs, he also happens to be allergic to them. He will scream and make a scene if the dog is not put away.
I wouldn't cut off the family but I would be honest with the mother. Tell her that you know how hard it is to keep the dog in a separate room and that for future play dates, which you hope the girls have again, you would like them to be either at your house or a park/library. Tell her your DD was very scared and she doesn't want to go back.
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| Posted 11/20/11 11:11 PM |
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