"Just let him play!"

I really hate this comment. I feel like now that it's officially 'birthday party season' I get it every single weekend. DS is going to be 4 and he's JUST now getting some functional language but most of it is scripting or stimming. So, no. I can't just let him play. I have to be ON him to make sure he doesn't fall off that huge swing set because he has no sense of danger and his balance is not that great when he gets off solid ground. I have to be his voice when he's around other children because he can't say what he wants and he doesn't respond to other kids when they ask him to play. I have to stand close when he's gearing up to go down that slide because the child behind him might not have the patience to wait for him and he'll get shoved down while trying to gear up the courage to do it on his own. I have to chase him down and feed him while he's distracted otherwise he won't eat. I have to make sure he's away from all doors otherwise he'll do nothing else but stim on them for HOURS. I have to distract his attention when anyone answers a cell phone close to him because if he sees it, it'll trigger a tantrum. So, no. I can't just let him play. I can't lose sight of him even for a second. and sometimes I'm a bit envious of the other mothers who are sitting together chatting at the table across the yard periodically raising their eyes to check on their kids. I'd like to be able to do that. But I can't. And it's ok. I love my son. He's the best gift I've ever received. But sometimes the comments are hard. I feel tired just thinking about how to answer some of the comments. How to defend them. I just needed to answer the comment somewhere safe. Because my answer to it last weekend was just a shrug. I know you all can relate. Thanks for reading

Re: "Just let him play!"

I know how hard it is...my DS needs constant prodding on how to interact with other kids. Parties are tough, and other parents just don't get it.

Re: "Just let him play!"

I know the feeling. I have twin boys. One on the spectrum, the other is not. I feel your pain. Matthew i dont have to watch as much. Chris i have to always watch. If we are in somones house. I have to make sure he doesnt go running upstairs , or if we are in the yard, we have to always make sure the gates are closed. Ir if he runs inside the house.

Re: "Just let him play!"

2 1/2 DS with PDD-NOS has no fear and has no interest in the age appropriate equipment at the playground. he much prefers the older kid section with sheer 9 foot drops and rock walls that look like slides. He too takes a while to go down slides and is constantly being brushed past. While I love hanging out with him I am over over 40 and tired . I am not ashamed to admit I too am envious of those park bench moms. No sooner has DS scaled the 10 foot curvy monkey bars but he is off through the gate to run the length of the football field

I will say that I had a glimpse at the other side at a recent birthday party. DS was "on" that day. There was entertainment for the kids in the form of a Toy Story Woody, lots of dancing and balloon animals. For much of the party I sat at a table and ate food and relaxed Although, I have to say, I was a bit bored

Message edited 5/1/2012 9:14:41 PM.

Re: "Just let him play!"

A friend of mine made a comment like that to me; unless a parent is in that situation they have no idea! And really if you are on top of your son, it really in no one else's business. You do what you have to do for your child. I know that the comments hurt. People are naive!

Re: "Just let him play!"

Lots of hugs to you...

AJ is not like that so i don't know what you are going through...

i guess i am the odd one out here with my Autistic child, i always let him just play, he is a flight risk, but it never worried me i guess because even at the age of 15 months old, if he dared try to get away one of his friends (same age as him) would always scream AJ and the next thing you know all of my friends including me were running after him.

like others have said, it is no one business how you parent your child, and you know how to handle him best...

but as a BTDT mom, does he have his own iPod (or as AJ has been calling it, his phone)? i know that in the past that has helped us out a great deal when we are out and he does see someone else's phone, i would give him his. AJ got his 1st iPod at 2 and he has an iPad now too. he will be 5 so while the age difference is big, it may help with some meltdowns. as for boundaries, on the play gym, AJ has had his share of bumps and falls, but i am an odd one here, and i will say even with my DD i let them fall, they get hurt, they cry for a min and then get back up... i can't tell you how many times AJ fell off the playset because he wasn't watching.. again, i am an odd one, and every child is different and i do not know yours.

i hope your not taking this the wrong way.. all our children on the spectrum are different, but some of these ideas may work.

WhyTeach has seen AJ out in public and knows him, we have come a long way, but with trial and error we came to what works for us... at least for now.

take what they say with a grain of salt, and if they can't understand, then its probably people i wouldn't want to hang out with, because their insensitivity will usually rub off on their children as well.

Re: "Just let him play!"

It really is tough being a parent. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't listen to anyone else.

DS will be 3 soon and just starting to get better with other kids and playing. I still like to be by him b/c I know he's cautious, but if something happens he doesn't know how to express to me what happened.
I know he tends to mimic other kid's behavior so if they do something wrong or jump off a couch he first feels like he can then he stops himself. If it's too late he can't explain what happened.

We try our best and you know your DS better than anyone else.

Re: "Just let him play!"

I feel for you. I dread going to birthday parties because its just a reminder to me what my DS isn't doing. At home I am so proud of all his progress until I watch what the other kids are doing. I just keep going- hoping that one day he'll have a "good day" and all the bad parties will be forgotten for the one day in which my DS participated in the activities and had fun. Don't give up and call it an accomplishment just for going to the party. I usually say "My DS has special needs so he needs my help because he gets overwhelmed easily in new situations". This usually helps.

Re: "Just let him play!"

I understand where you're coming from. I often feel like the helicopter parent with my son. But they need that type of shadowing and I think it benefits them too because it helps to show them how to behave in certain situations. You'll find that very slowly you can start to back away even just an inch at a time. I still have to be vigilent with my son but it has gotten better since we started the whole birthday party thing.

Keep doing what you're doing

Re: "Just let him play!"

I know the feeling. Once when we were at the playground a father told me to stop hovering. At that point, my son was hitting and giving other children unwanted bear hugs on a regular basis. So I said, "I'm actually more concerned about him hurting your son than himself," he gave me a weird look and walked away. And it was true--he has pretty good coordination, so I really didn't think he would do much damage to himself. That wasn't the best thing to say though.

The other issue is that my son does need some redirecting during playdates. He'll wind up talking to me or the other parent, and not so much to the child. So if I just let him play, he won't basically!

I think it's fair enough to either not answer or say he needs some assistance physically from time to time. You really don't owe people any explanation. You are doing what's best for your child, and that's that.

Message edited 5/3/2012 1:37:12 PM.

Re: "Just let him play!"

Honestly, you need to just say - in a nice way or a not so nice way - that you are his mother, and you know best, and unless they are raising your son on a daily basis, to let those decisions of when he should "just play" come from you.

Re: "Just let him play!"

How about "Sometimes he requires some extra attention". That's it, no need for explanations.

Re: "Just let him play!"

As the mom of a typically developing 4 year old I will tell you that this comment comes from a lot of people who are just trying to feel better about showing up at parties and thinking it's time to sit back and drink some wine while their kids go wild. I've heard the comment also. My kid has the freedom to experiment but I am never far away. I've heard comments about being "too involved."

I was at a party once and kids between the ages of 2 and 4 were alone in the yard. That's not appropriate. Then one of the kids tried to get back into the house and the mom said,"don't open the door. He'll just be looking for me." What kind of mom is that? This was someone who would say," just let them play."

I applaud YOU because what you are doing keeps your child safe and it may keep some other kids safe, too. Make it clear, though, that you are there for your child not everyone else's. I never like the fact that if I am the only one near the kids, if something happened to someone else's kid I would be asked a million questions. Now I really try to avoid situations where my son will be with people who don't watch their own children. That is a burden on everyone. 4 year olds need supervision. Hence the reason we do not leave them home alone whether they have a diagnosis or not.

This issue just gets to me. You are doing right and you hear remarks anyway.