For those dealing with MFI.....

I've really had mixed emotions when dealing with my husband's fertility issues and have thought about posting for a while -- I guess today's the day. I feel embarrassed to say this, but there have been many times throughout this process that I have resented him. With each early monitoring appointment, sonogram, blood draw, injection, suppository, etc. I can't help but think that I'm not the issue (at least now that we know of). I know he isn't "making" me do these things -- we BOTH desperately want a child and this is the hand we were dealt, but I still have these feelings. Most of the time, rather than talking with him about it, I snap at him or lash out at him which is of course how I'm feeling in disguise. Throughout this infertility journey, I've had my best friends and my mother as my support system and while my husband is willing to do whatever necessary and is completely supportive of me, they are the ones who I talk to about these feelings of frustration with DH. With every snap/unnecessary comment I have made, he has met it with nothing but unconditional love and acceptance. He's never once snapped back. It took a conversation with my best friend today to make me realize that he is likely suffering as much as I am. He has just as much control over his fertility issues that I have -- none, zero, zilch -- and while I have my BFF's and my mother, he hasn't spoken to anyone about this, not even his best friend. He's embarrassed to have issues with his sperm count and mobility and doesn't want to talk to others about it -- it's emasculating to him. He made the comment the other day that he can't even get his wife pregnant. I am going to try my absolute best to not lash out at him, to bite my tongue when I feel the urge for an unnecessary sarcastic comment, and know that I am going through everything I am because we both want to be parents. I'm going to make it a point to hug him more and be more intimate because lord knows when you have feelings of resentment/frustration towards your husband, intimacy isn't #1 on your priority list. I've focused so much on ME during this process, that I've kind of forgotten about DH and how he's going through this (maybe not physically) just as much as I am.

Phew, okay that was a lot but I do feel better for sharing. Can anyone dealing with MFI relate? I really feel bad about the feelings of resentment and guess I'd like to hear if anyone else has experienced this. As always, thank you, ladies. I know I didn't mention it above, but you all are just as much a support system to me as my best friends, maybe even more so as you too are dealing with fertility issues.

Message edited 6/24/2014 8:22:52 PM.

Re: For those dealing with MFI.....

We are MFI here too. It does suck, and it is so sensitive as virility is so tied to a male's self image. What helped me was to remember that with IVF at least, MFI has an excellent prognosis, better than the prognosis for many issues on the female end generally (excluding azoospermia or extreme MFI). So even though I was occasionally resentful that I had to go through all this even though the issue wasn't me, in the end I was grateful it wasn't me, if that makes sense :) Also, I don't know where you are on the journey, but I have triplets from my first ivf with MFI. 2 million sperm count. So success happens and good luck to you!

Message edited 6/24/2014 8:40:50 PM.

For those dealing with MFI.....

We are dealing with both. My DH felt guilty. He did not know how to deal with it but was awesome through it all. It turns out many people we know have come to my DH and I because they know we've been through it and they are going through it. Have you seen a urologist? It actually made DH happier to get answers on why his count is low etc. thinking of you!

For those dealing with MFI.....

We dealt with MFI and it was hard. I could have written word for word what you did. Now 2 1/2 years after having my twins I sometimes still have resentment, I wish I didn't. I think it is because everyone around us has had this easy time getting pregnant and now I am thinking about having another and really wish and hope when he has a SA things have changed for his sperm count. In the end the results were amazing and IVF is truly a miracle.

Re: For those dealing with MFI.....

I could have written this word for word. I am also having these feeling toward my husband, especially after our most recent failed cycle. My situation is a bit different though, because my DH refuses to willingly make changes to help improve his count and our chances (he's a smoker). While he says he feels emasculated and wants to make that change, he has yet to actually do it and the resentment I feel grows. In the end, we are a team and I have to remember this. It's not just me going through these emotions, and while I have this forum as an outlet, he does not have anyone to talk to. The advice you gave is great- IF consumes way too much of our lives, and we definitely forgot how to be intimate without ttc.

For those dealing with MFI.....

I was not resentful that we had to do IVF - it was unfortunately the hand we were dealt. My DH was distraught over and I honestly can not imagine being resentful towards him because of it. I feel like I took on the role of being his cheerleader - encouraging him - making him believe it could work. We did ALOT of talking while dealing with his IF. I suggest you talk to him about your feelings.

Re: For those dealing with MFI.....

We were dealing with MFI but I never blamed DH or got angry with him or was resentful. It's not like he CHOSE the situation, and I assure you that he felt terrible for everything that I had to go through. But that was the hand we were dealt, and I we handled it together.

And every day that I look at DS, I know I would have done it all over 100 times - every shot, every monitoring appt, EVERYTHING - to have him. And I'll do it all over again for DC#2. In a heartbeat, no second thoughts.

I married DH and we deal with this together, as a couple. To me, it sounds like you trying to deal with this on your own. I would recommend talking to a counselor - together and separately. Infertility is a tough road and you need support to get through it.

For those dealing with MFI.....

I went a more spiritual way of thinking about it- I believe my husband & I were meant to be together & therefore his issue is my issue. I wouldn't wAnt to be with anyone else & have their baby so this is the hand we were dealt together as a couple. After struggling with infertility for 2 years we finally have my DD & she wouldn't be here without my DH & despite the horrible struggle it was all worth it. I'm not trying to persuade you to feel differently but more look at things in a different way. It was unfortunately something you were dealt as a couple to deal with not his problems vs your non problems. Hope this helps