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JJ2014
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/14 686 total posts
Name:
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DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
I'm having a really hard time with my DH. He finally agreed to having infertility testing (done in December) and the only result that came back abnormal was the sperm Motility. The doctor explained that because everything else they test the sperm for was above normal it could be a false negative and suggested retesting. DH did not handle this well. He doesn't want to retest (spend more money) and because we would do IUI if the new test showed the same results I ask my RE if a retest was absolutely necessary and he said no, so DH got out of it. DH is having issues that we need "help" he is also having issues with the cost (we have zero infertility coverage). We are lucky to be in a good financial position and honestly 2K for IUI will not hurt us. I know many people who can't afford treatment and still find a way to do it so I'm struggling to understand why he's being so cheap. I know he wants to be a Dad but I'm starting to see that we are on two totally different pages with infertility treatments.
I am wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and how you went about working it out. I know he needs an outlet to talk about this stuff with but sadly he doesn't have anyone and also we don't want to many people knowing. Today I recommended that he speak to a relative of mine who I have been talking with (she had two babies via IVF) so she's been through it all. He claims that he believes we will get pregnant when G-d wants us to, which is annoying because he is super unreligious and I think G-d is too busy to worry about me and my egg (LOL). Please share your stories with me and help me deal with this stress... because I needed another stress right!
ETA: Update: DH got up and came with me to RE today at 6am! This is huge for him. I think it was sooo important and a little life changing for him to be there. He might "get it" at least for now. We were informed to tonight and then abstain because we could be doing IUI as soon as Thursday!!! I'm excited but super nervous too. Hopefully all goes well.
Message edited 1/20/2015 6:32:30 AM.
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Posted 1/12/15 3:51 PM  |
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nraboni
Uggh...
Member since 10/09 6905 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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DH doesn't
Do you have any infertility issues? Is the DR saying that the motility is the only issue between the two of you?
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| Posted 1/12/15 4:23 PM |
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JJ2014
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/14 686 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Posted by nraboni
Do you have any infertility issues? Is the DR saying that the motility is the only issue between the two of you?
Yup, the motility issue is the only thing.
And I'm shocked that DH isn't throwing money at the issue, he does that with everything else.
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| Posted 1/12/15 4:27 PM |
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JJ2014
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/14 686 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
I failed to mention that he has agreed to one round of IUI, so now totally stressed that this needs to work!
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| Posted 1/12/15 4:28 PM |
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nraboni
Uggh...
Member since 10/09 6905 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Posted by JJ2014
Posted by nraboni
Do you have any infertility issues? Is the DR saying that the motility is the only issue between the two of you?
Yup, the motility issue is the only thing.
And I'm shocked that DH isn't throwing money at the issue, he does that with everything else.
It's hard to grasp your head around the fact that "you" are the problem. It seems that he is having a difficult time believing and doesn't want to spend money on something he doesn't think is true.
I would speak to him and say we can either get a second opinion and do another SA or we move forward with the IUI. Explain that you understand how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that what may or may not be preventing us from having a family is this one little issue but show him the statistics on this issue and successful IUI/Pregnancies.
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| Posted 1/12/15 4:39 PM |
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PhyllisNJoe
My Box Is Broken
Member since 6/11 9145 total posts
Name:
Phyllis
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
What is the Treatment for motility? Is there one? If so, that may be the best bet because that may be cheaper and less invasive to TTC.
I think for him, it may be because he is the one with an issue. That hurts a mans ego. So maybe find information showing how common it is. And look into how you can help motility with vitamins or different ways of eating.
My DH had a lot of issues with the whole IF thing. It was a struggle and fight the entire 3+ years. So I really have no advice. I just kept explaining to him how important this was. And that I wasn't asking for a $2k hand bag or shoes. It's a chance to build our family.
I would also send him links to websites explaining how hard IF is on a couple and what you need to do as a DH in this situation.
Wish you the best of luck!
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| Posted 1/12/15 4:39 PM |
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BabyBearA
LIF Adult
Member since 7/11 1254 total posts
Name:
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DH doesn't
It's been over two years and my dh finally agreed to move forward with iui. He still struggles with the fact that we need help and he says he's humiliated. This had put a huge strain on our marriage! No advice as I'm in the same place but you're not alone. Best of luck!!
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| Posted 1/12/15 8:44 PM |
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moonmist09
Thank you, St. Gerard!
Member since 2/11 5043 total posts
Name:
Antonella
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DH doesn't
may I ask, how long have you both been TTC? with no issues, most couples can take up to a year to conceive if your under 35, 6 months if your older. I know that with my RE, my DH morphology was borderline low when we were TTC our DD, but because the quantity he had was so high, the RE told us not to worry about it. Either way, I was really the one with the issue. Now that we are TTC #2, same issue with him, his morphology is borderline low, but again, other numbers are high so they told us to overlook it. I wouldn't worry about your DH's motility too much. I also wouldn't stress out that this HAS to work this time around. Stress will just do that, putmore stress on you and while no one will tell you that stress is more likely to not let you conceive, it could be a factor. IF (i would never wish this on anyone) this IUI doesn't work, then i think you and your DH need to sit down and discuss why he is so upset about trying to seek a RE's help to build your family. Especially if your not shouting from the rooftops to begin with, this could really be kept quiet and no one would ever have to know.
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| Posted 1/12/15 11:16 PM |
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NYCGirl80
I love my kiddies!
Member since 5/11 10413 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
I don't think it's fair to either of you to agree to do one IUI. IUIs, at best, only offer a 10% chance of working in a single month. The added stress of it all will not help. Also, sometimes the first IUI is mostly a learning experience to determine what protocol will work best for your body.
I'd actually recommend talking to someone with your husband. Perhaps he has other concerns that he hasn't shared with you. When you go to an RE, it's hard to accept that you need help, but the ultimate end result is still the same and that's hopefully what he will focus on eventually.
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| Posted 1/13/15 5:25 AM |
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TyReseGreen
Lil Prince is here
Member since 8/11 6338 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Posted by nraboni
Posted by JJ2014
Posted by nraboni
Do you have any infertility issues? Is the DR saying that the motility is the only issue between the two of you?
Yup, the motility issue is the only thing.
And I'm shocked that DH isn't throwing money at the issue, he does that with everything else.
It's hard to grasp your head around the fact that "you" are the problem. It seems that he is having a difficult time believing and doesn't want to spend money on something he doesn't think is true.
I would speak to him and say we can either get a second opinion and do another SA or we move forward with the IUI. Explain that you understand how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that what may or may not be preventing us from having a family is this one little issue but show him the statistics on this issue and successful IUI/Pregnancies.
This exactly
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| Posted 1/13/15 7:29 AM |
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TyReseGreen
Lil Prince is here
Member since 8/11 6338 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Posted by NYCGirl80
I don't think it's fair to either of you to agree to do one IUI. IUIs, at best, only offer a 10% chance of working in a single month. The added stress of it all will not help. Also, sometimes the first IUI is mostly a learning experience to determine what protocol will work best for your body.
I'd actually recommend talking to someone with your husband. Perhaps he has other concerns that he hasn't shared with you. When you go to an RE, it's hard to accept that you need help, but the ultimate end result is still the same and that's hopefully what he will focus on eventually.
I agree as far as the odds of the IUIs working.
I personally did not do IUIs I did IVF and thought for sure I would get pregnant first shot. Hey why wouldn't it work I've had natural pregnancies and DC from it?! Well it was 2 years 6 tries and finally got pregnant. My IF is secondary IF due to tubes not functioning at all so IVF was the only answer. I'll admit going into it we agreed to 1 round but when it doesn't work you become so determined to make it work before you know it you're on cycle 6.
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| Posted 1/13/15 7:39 AM |
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ANewDayHasCome
Love multiplies, not divides
Member since 11/12 14481 total posts
Name:
Me
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DH doesn't
Every dh should read "what he can expect when she's not expecting".
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| Posted 1/13/15 7:59 AM |
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PitterPatter11
Baby Boy is Here!
Member since 5/11 7619 total posts
Name:
Momma <3
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DH doesn't
My DH had a very difficult time dealing with our IF because it was only MF. I suggest having a very honest conversation with him about your feelings, wants, needs, etc. The three years it took to conceive our DS were a very trying for us as a couple because he had a lot of difficulty discussing it.
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| Posted 1/13/15 11:04 AM |
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Nope, never did, never will. It put a serious strain on our marriage that will never be fully removed. I hold a lot of resentment toward him and he knows it. We did counseling for a while but it didn't change anything. We do the best we can for the sake of our daughter but I still don't know if we will be together forever.
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| Posted 1/13/15 11:08 AM |
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hmm
Sweet
Member since 1/14 7993 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Posted by BaseballWidow
Nope, never did, never will. It put a serious strain on our marriage that will never be fully removed. I hold a lot of resentment toward him and he knows it. We did counseling for a while but it didn't change anything. We do the best we can for the sake of our daughter but I still don't know if we will be together forever.
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| Posted 1/13/15 1:29 PM |
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MrsM429
Mama x2 <3
Member since 12/10 4946 total posts
Name:
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DH doesn't
It took my DH a very long time to come to terms with it. He is a private person when it comes to this, and did not want anyone knowing our struggle. Was embarrassed and angry every time I mentioned I wanted to do another cycle (we're oop as well). But he eventually came around. Starting becoming more involved with the process. Now 4 years later, he's my rock and we're in a much better place.
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| Posted 1/13/15 3:01 PM |
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JJ2014
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/14 686 total posts
Name:
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DH doesn't
Thank you ladies for sharing your stories and for your advice. I think that DH is having trouble dealing with the fact that he could hold the issue even though I am continually telling him and talking as if it's our issue. I do not and will not point fingers.
I'm going to look into that book if this IUI is not successful!
I did speak to DH and explained to him that sometimes things that should be easy aren't and sometimes you need to take the miracle of life and help it along the way. He seems to be more open minded and I can only hope he stays that way. He has yet to go to the RE with me but agreed to go next week to my Clomid follow up appointment, even though it's at 6:15am! I really hope he comes. Until then I will try to speak with him about this a little at a time and hope he starts to understand where I stand and how I real and that the end result is a baby!
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| Posted 1/13/15 8:13 PM |
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babydreams21
LIF Adult
Member since 12/12 3656 total posts
Name:
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DH doesn't
My DH kinda got it. He was fine with all the testing and IUIs. His issue was that we were Unexplained and he thought it could happen on its own. I had to keep on reminding him that if it hadn't happened already after all these years its not likely to happen on its own.
The whole process is really takes a toll on the women. My DH tried to come to appointments when he could and he was supportive but its really all on us. If your DH wants a baby he has to realize you gotta do what you gotta do. Giving yourself only 1 IUI is unrealistic. Hopefully you will be one of those lucky people who IUI 1 or any IUI works. I wasn't so lucky and had to do many IUIs and IVFs.
Just take it one step at a time. Hopefully IUI works for you and you don't have to worry. GL
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| Posted 1/13/15 9:13 PM |
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Gratitude
LIF Infant
Member since 12/14 99 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Posted by ANewDayHasCome
Every dh should read "what he can expect when she's not expecting".
I started reading this, on your recommendation (bought it for DH as well).
It is really a great read - and it's made me laugh a few times - how often does that happen during this?
DH has been really wonderful this time around. Four years ago, when we were first going through it, not so much. At the time, his morphology was an issue which made conception naturally improbable but not impossible. He heard, "It's not going to happen because of you." No one even came close to saying that, but that is how he internalized it. That was tough pill to swallow for him. I wasn't in the best place either, everyone around me was pregnant and I felt like a failure. I was going through it all by myself because he didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else because it completely depressed me.
After a while, (and one failed IUI) I took a break - I couldn't do it anymore. We've done A LOT of work over the past 4 years and are both in a really wonderful place. Now he comes to every appointment and we talk about it - positively.
You guys will get there. Trust your gut and try to meet one another where you are. It may take some time for him.
GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING!!!!
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| Posted 1/14/15 10:23 AM |
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nycgirl
Angels!
Member since 3/09 7721 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
WE are "unexplained". The way I see it, this probably means a hidden problem with me.
DH did have low motility on one exam (the repeat, required by insurance was totally normal).
It really helps to have someone to speak to. We have a bunch of friends who are all undergoing IF for many different issues. If we, as women, get so depressed about it, think about it all day, see therapists for it, why can't men have a similar reaction?
Either way, as a friend joked: even if it is MF, the woman still needs to go through the most extreme measures (think IVF with stim, retrieval & implant). You guys are in it together. Give him some more time, buy him some loose pants & speaking from DC1, IF treatments were the best $$ we ever spent (even though no one had coverage at that time & we could barely afford it).
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| Posted 1/14/15 10:51 AM |
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JJ2014
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/14 686 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Update: DH got up and came with me to RE today at 6am! This is huge for him. I think it was sooo important and a little life changing for him to be there. He might "get it" at least for now. We were informed to  tonight and then abstain because we could be doing IUI as soon as Thursday!!! I'm excited but super nervous too. Hopefully all goes well.
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| Posted 1/19/15 3:51 PM |
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Hopefulmama
LIF Adult
Member since 4/14 1014 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Posted by NYCGirl80
I don't think it's fair to either of you to agree to do one IUI. IUIs, at best, only offer a 10% chance of working in a single month. The added stress of it all will not help. Also, sometimes the first IUI is mostly a learning experience to determine what protocol will work best for your body.
I'd actually recommend talking to someone with your husband. Perhaps he has other concerns that he hasn't shared with you. When you go to an RE, it's hard to accept that you need help, but the ultimate end result is still the same and that's hopefully what he will focus on eventually.
I second this. It usually takes a couple of IUIs to work, esp if you are dealing with male factor. Iui is a commitment.
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| Posted 1/19/15 10:19 PM |
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Lillies
Grateful for my babies!
Member since 2/12 4571 total posts
Name:
<3
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
My DH went to a urologist in the beginning of all testing, got a pretty serious diagnosis but put it under the rug and didn't tell me. I went through a year and a half of miscarriages, failed IUIs and a failed IVF before a new RE ordered a different test and he had no choice but to face it. His excuse? He didn't think it was a big deal. All that time he could have had surgery and took his vitamin/antioxidant regimine but he didn't take me or IF seriously. Still pisses me off so much!
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| Posted 1/20/15 12:30 PM |
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JJ2014
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/14 686 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH doesn't "get it", does yours?
Posted by Lillies
My DH went to a urologist in the beginning of all testing, got a pretty serious diagnosis but put it under the rug and didn't tell me. I went through a year and a half of miscarriages, failed IUIs and a failed IVF before a new RE ordered a different test and he had no choice but to face it. His excuse? He didn't think it was a big deal. All that time he could have had surgery and took his vitamin/antioxidant regimine but he didn't take me or IF seriously. Still pisses me off so much!
OMG! I don't blame you. I can only hope DH doesn't need a surgery. I don't think he'd ever go for it. Hope things work/worked out for you.
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| Posted 1/20/15 2:26 PM |
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