Advice for a friend re: 3.5 yr old reaction to new baby

My friend had a new baby two weeks ago. Her 3.5 year old has been really upset/acting out. He's been screaming that he hates her and the baby and to bring the baby back. He won't go near her or the baby and it is killing her. She keeps telling me she wished she had the baby when her son was younger so he wouldn't have these jealousy issues. She's so upset/tired/stressed.

Any advice or btdt parents? I really don't know what to tell her except to make special time for just the two of them but with him wanting nothing to do with her, it's hard.

Re: Advice for a friend re: 3.5 yr old reaction to new baby

My DS was just 2 when his brother was born. He never got angry or yelled at the baby, but he wanted nothing to do with him. I don't have any pics of the two of them together for the first 3 months. If I did get a pic together my 2 yr old looked like he was in pain next to the baby and about to run away.

What I tried to do is incorporate my 2 yr old into everything I did with the baby. Read books, dance, etc. I'll remind him his baby brother is watching him and smiling at him b/c he loves him. Around 2.5 months my 2 yr old got close to the baby. WE started out by tickling his feet. Then another day he came to him and kissed him. Everything happened slowly, and it's not perfect now. THe baby is 5 months old now. My 2 yr old acknowledges him a lot more. I never yell at my toddler if he gets rough. Just take the baby away and say we'll play another game for us since the baby is too little. Spend one on one with my toddler, etc. Now I don't even think he remembers time without him.

Re: Advice for a friend re: 3.5 yr old reaction to new baby

I think no matter what the age difference there is a slight guilt factor when you bring home the next baby.

I had 2 under 2 & my son still told me to take her back or give her to daddy.

One thing that helped was telling the baby (who doesn't understand anyway) that once I was done with her, it was my son's turn with Mommy. He would overhear it & then feel better that he wasn't forgotten. He would wait more patiently for "his turn".

I know making them Mommy's helper & having them hear you talk about what a good job they're doing to other people, makes them want to do it more.

Overhearing you talk about how concerned you are, etc about them adjusting to the new baby may reinforce the idea that they are getting attention with their negative feelings towards the baby.

Re: Advice for a friend re: 3.5 yr old reaction to new baby

I have a younger spread between my kids but the things that I did (all advice from LIF) was have a gift from the new baby to the older child. Have gift to the new baby from older DC. When people visit, have them go to older DC first because the older one will know and the younger one will be ok waiting. Have the older DC help. Carve out time for the older DC to have an alone moment with parents. Read sibling books to DC. Point out examples of older/younger DC to child that he knows. Don't minimize the feelings of the older DC. Talk to older DC without younger DC in room about his/her feelings. Tell older DC that you love them, that the younger DC is not replacing them. That you need their help with the baby and how important and big they are. That you will always love the older DC and it is ok to be upset by change but they need to talk to you about their feelings.

Re: Advice for a friend re: 3.5 yr old reaction to new baby

My DD was terrible when we brought DD#2 home. She was very rough with her and was acting out so much. We tried involving her, but that just gave her more opportunities to hurt the baby. The only thing that really helped was trying to remain calm aroud both of them, and spending plenty of time with DD#1 without the baby. Now that the baby is smiling and interested in DD#1, I am always telling her how much the baby loves her, and she is much better around her. It isn't perfect yet, but it is a work in progress. It will take time for the older child to adjust and you can do everything you can to try to move the process along, but the child will be more accepting when he or she is ready to do so! Good luck to your friend!

Re: Advice for a friend re: 3.5 yr old reaction to new baby

I am not sure age is the issue. Some kids personalities just need more time. I would make sure to just carve out time for the older sibling alone! After Ds was born I had ILs watch him so we could go alone to friendlys. I also make a point of telling the baby he has to wait while I take care of older DS so that DS1 doenst feel liek he is always the one waiting on his baby brother.

My DSs are 3y4m apart and I have never had 1 second of jealousy. I do have friends whose kids are 2 years apart and the older child has tried to physically hurt the baby. Again its about personality really.

I would just tell your friend to remember atht even though the older child is 3.5yo and seems huge at this point (compared to the NB) he is still a baby as well and needs to be slowly walked through all this. Dont push it, it will happen when its time!

ETA: Yes the gift! DS1 still talks about the gift that his baby gave him in the hospital for being his big brother!

Message edited 12/14/2011 9:11:41 PM.

Re: Advice for a friend re: 3.5 yr old reaction to new baby

It can be really hard on the first born, I know my oldest had a tough time adjusting and he was only 23 months when the second came along, he would tell me he was sad all the time out of no where and throw himself on the floor anytime I was feeding his brother. It took a few months to adjust but once he started interacting more it was more fun for my oldest. Best advice is involve him as much as possible, help mommy with changing baby, feeding baby, etc.