Advice re: sharing news with a friend (esp from those who have gone thru IF)

This a sensitive topic that I need to handle with care with my friend.

I have two very close friends from college. In the last year or so one, we'll call her J, has really retreated from me. She did not attend my baby shower for DS, his christening, and most recently, his first birthday, among other things. I only saw her twice during my 1st pregnancy, at which point I knew that her and her DH were also trying for a baby. I've had a gut feeling that she's struggling with infertility, both because of things she has said, as well as getting confirmation from our other friend, C. C won't give me any details understandably because she feels it is J's info to share. However, she has in so many words told me that the prognosis for J to have a baby on her own is not good.

C keeps urging me to call her because J is ready to talk to me about these issues she is having.

So my question is - how in the world do I handle this? How do I call J to support her, listen to her struggles, and then say oh by the way, I'm pregnant? I know it must be heartbreaking to hear it and I feel just awful. But I'm nervous to wait too much longer and then hurt her because I waited so long to tell her and her feel that I was trying to shield her.

I'm really struggling with this. C thinks I should call her and just talk to her, and then next week call again and tell her about the pregnancy. WWYD?

Re: Advice re: sharing news with a friend (esp from those who have gone thru IF)

I don't think you should call her and talk to her about her IF issues and then call again next week and tell her your pg. Try to do it all in one phone call...as much as it might hurt for her to hear you are pg I think it would be worse if you called back a week later, especially if she opens up about the problems she is having.
I went through it for over 4 years and it was always hard to hear that someone else was pg, even though inside I was always happy for them but when it is not happening for you it is very difficult to say the least.
I think you should tell her your pg first and then lead into a conversation about what is going on with her.

Re: Advice re: sharing news with a friend (esp from those who have gone thru IF)

I agree with the PP, you should tell her you're pregnant and then onto other topics. I was in this situation (I was struggling with IF and my friend told me she was pregnant) and I would have been very hurt if she had waited any longer to tell me (even though i would have understood why).

Re: Advice re: sharing news with a friend (esp from those who have gone thru IF)

I also agree with the pp....I would not call to initiat an IF topic but I would lead into the call a bit different.......I would say "J I have noticed since DS was born we're not as close as we used to be. I know times change, but I also want you to know how important you and your friendship are to me. I also wanted you to hear from me that DH and I are expecting another child, and I would like you to be as involved as you would like in both our childrens life." To me, this opens up a conversation about why she has pulled away, but doesn't really push her to go into detail. Joe and I started down a long path for this baby and it did sting and hurt when people called to announce their pregnancy's, but after a few days and some tears I was up to being involved. It may take a few days but she may finally open up to you. Question....does C have any kids or could they also be having some IF issues and that's why J feels more comfortable talking to them?

Re: Advice re: sharing news with a friend (esp from those who have gone thru IF)

although i didn't struggle with IF, I have a very close friend that did, so i will speak from that perspective.
i would call her and try to lend your support with what she is going through and in that conversation tell her that you are PG. it might be hard for her but she will prob appreciate knowing in that convo rather than opening up and then hearing later that you were PG.

Message edited 12/4/2009 3:14:41 PM.

Re: Advice re: sharing news with a friend (esp from those who have gone thru IF)

Re: Advice re: sharing news with a friend (esp from those who have gone thru IF)

I hate to sound like a b*tch and maybe it's the hormones but idk just how concerned I would be about this friend. I know it is horrible to deal with any infertility problems but to not come to ur shower, baby's christening, or 1st birthday imho is a little overboard and I just wouldn't be very understanding even in light of her problems.

I have a friend who has been struggling as well. I am careful not to hurt her feelings by constantly jabbering about being prego, but at the same time I don't want to hurt her feelings by completely excluding her either- I don't want to make her feel like I am treating her with kid gloves, you know? B/c sometimes that can be just as painful and I know she doesn't want to be treated like some freak.

Regardless, she would NEVER be a no-show at my baby events. I just think that is too far.

I really hope this doesn't cause board drama because I am NOT AT ALL insensitive to people with this horrible problem. I just think that your friend should have still been there for YOU more. Do I think she should want to be ur lamaze coach, or even come with you to register no- of course not- it would likely stir up pain. But imho she should have celebrated with you at your shower, christening, and first bday.

So, to answer your question, I would let her make any first move. I'm not saying shun her for life. But I would let her email or call me and you know what-I would kind of want an explanation/ apology.

JMO and I hope it works out between you guys if there really is a friendship there worth salvaging.

Re: Advice re: sharing news with a friend (esp from those who have gone thru IF)

Re: Advice re: sharing news with a friend (esp from those who have gone thru IF)

Posted by BrinaEsq

I hate to sound like a b*tch and maybe it's the hormones but idk just how concerned I would be about this friend. I know it is horrible to deal with any infertility problems but to not come to ur shower, baby's christening, or 1st birthday imho is a little overboard and I just wouldn't be very understanding even in light of her problems.

I have a friend who has been struggling as well. I am careful not to hurt her feelings by constantly jabbering about being prego, but at the same time I don't want to hurt her feelings by completely excluding her either- I don't want to make her feel like I am treating her with kid gloves, you know? B/c sometimes that can be just as painful and I know she doesn't want to be treated like some freak.

Regardless, she would NEVER be a no-show at my baby events. I just think that is too far.

I really hope this doesn't cause board drama because I am NOT AT ALL insensitive to people with this horrible problem. I just think that your friend should have still been there for YOU more. Do I think she should want to be ur lamaze coach, or even come with you to register no- of course not- it would likely stir up pain. But imho she should have celebrated with you at your shower, christening, and first bday.

So, to answer your question, I would let her make any first move. I'm not saying shun her for life. But I would let her email or call me and you know what-I would kind of want an explanation/ apology.

JMO and I hope it works out between you guys if there really is a friendship there worth salvaging.