Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

I just could not use my real screen name for this post as I’m embarrassed and ashamed.

We recently found out we are expecting DC#2. DC#1 will be about 2 years old at the time of arrival. This child was very much PLANNED. We always wanted a 2-3 year age gap. Since the moment I took the preg test I have been crying and completely distraught. All I think about is how I will be taking something away from our little DC. I think we should have waited longer, although I cannot reason with myself why (it would be even harder on me if we had MORE alone time with DC#1). I have been beating myself up that we are not doing the right thing. I have a constant lump in my throat and cry at the drop of a hat. Hormones? Yes, but there is more to it. I feel depressed. I feel like I am in a funk I can’t get out of. DC#1 is my entire WORLD. I never thought I could love or be obsessed with another person this much. How will I ever love another? I know people say mommies have more love in their heart then they thought possible…I guess I just don’t feel that yet. I have literally made myself sick over this. I’ve spoken to a close friend who is wonderfully understanding. I’ve even gotten a referral for a therapist from my OB b/c I feel like I’m just spiraling downward and it is beginning to scare me.

Intellectually, I know these feelings don’t make any sense. I have a wonderful DH, an amazing DC, a close knit, happy and healthy family. Another baby is a true blessing. Many people struggle to get pregnant and I seem so ungrateful it makes me sick. DH and I both have a lot of siblings and love big families. We wanted DC#1 to have at LEAST one sibling and we wanted them fairly close in age. We WANTED and planned for this. So why this funk? Why the constant crying and constant thoughts of how happy our little threesome was and how I’m about to ruin that.? I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way, believe me I scare myself at the thoughts I’ve been having, but I cannot snap out of it.

I was ecstatic, over the moon with my first pregnancy. I could not be happier. This time, I feel nothing. For the past year and a half I could not believe how lucky we are to have such an amazing, gorgeous, sweet DC, now I feel like I’m somehow ruining how perfect our little world has been.

Even when I allow myself to get excited about this pregnancy, I somehow make myself feel guilty and I go right back to this funk.

I guess the reason of this post is I’m grasping to see if anyone else has truly been through this and if so, how did you cope?

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

I can so much relate to your feelings, but I'm not in the situation yet.

I would also like to hear if and how anyone was able to cope with these feelings.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Author Unknown

......................................................

Does that about sum it up ?

I cannot begin to tell you just how very true it is when they say love multiplies, not divides......Yes, it gets crazy, yes you have to manage time differently but its SO worth it....

What you are feeling is so very common ...In the end remember that you are truly giving your DC a gift that no-one else can

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

It's not that uncommon to feel this way. Both my kids were via IVF- very much planned. We knew we would have them close together (mostly because of my age). They are 18 months apart.

Pretty much as soon as I got my BFP with #2, I went into a funk. I was actually depressed being pregnant the 2nd time around which surprised me, because I really missed being pregnant after DD was born.

Honestly, it was REALLY hard to shake it off. The closer I got to the end of my pregnancy, the sadder I got and felt bad for my DD.

For me though, it didn't change after DS was born (I know that's not what you want to hear, but this was just MY experience). I ended up with really severe PPD, but now that I am "better" I can tell you, that you CAN and WILL feel the same overwhelming love for both your DCs. Now there are days I look at my DS (13 months old) and I feel like my heart is going to burst with what I feel for him, and I just cannot get enough of him.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

I only have one, but I think I can understand how you feel. DH and I have talked for a long time about having another child and those same thoughts and concerns are always mentioned - how can you love another child as much as you adore your first born? How will you share time with them when it's so limited already? How would our DS react? Would it affect our marriage? Etc. I think it's PERFECTLY normal to have these thoughts and concerns, even if you plan for a new baby and feel prepared. I think planning is totally different than actually BEING pregnant. I remember how much we wanted to get pg with DS and we planned it etc. But when I got that BFP with him, I kind of freaked! It's much different when it's your reality and not just an abstract thought that you have longed for.

I think it's important to note that you seem very overwhelmed by these feelings and say that you have scared yourself with your thoughts. Not knowing exactly what you mean, I think it's great that you are seeking to talk with a professional. I think he/she may help to understand if there's a deeper root to your thoughts or if it's just the normal fear of having another baby.

Everyone that I know that has more than 1 child - they ALL say that somehow your love just multiplies. I can see what they mean since I adore my parents and my DH, but I have all this NEW love for my DS. Your heart somehow just expands, and I'm sure it will expand even more with the arrival of your newest blessing.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Love multiplies. It truly does.

I think it is normal to have the unanswered questions of bringing another child home, wondering how could you love another child as much as the one in my belly, taking time away from my first DC and focusing on a new baby.

As soon as my DD came out, I cried because it was as if I had always known her. DS and DD are best friends. They love each other, and I love each child in their own way. I watch them hug each other, kiss each other, chase each other, share with each other. They learn from one another, they are in cahoots with one another. It makes my heart sing each time I hear DS say, 'I yuv my sister' as he gives her a protective hug.

You will look back on your thoughts after you have #2 and wonder why you were ever concerned. I love both of my kids equally, but each in different ways.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

While I totally understand your fake name and being in hiding.. I definitely want to say there is no need for it because there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of! what you are going through is normal.... and it happens to A LOT of moms!! I've seen it even written about on her numerous times.

I think you are doing amazing even though you are upset and crying and feel depressed... the fact that you are able to recognize this issue AND seek help for it is really commendable.

I think once the "shock" and initial feelings wear off you will start to feel better about it. As time goes on and the pregnancy continues you will find those feelings you think are missing now.

Also, one thing that always makes me want to have kids around the same age is when I see pictures of 2 young kids (siblings) together... close in age, playing together, getting dressed up for halloween together, sharing holiday's together, etc. It just melts my heart! Having a close age gap can be really really nice and rewarding for the entire family.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Posted by Bops

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Author Unknown

......................................................

Does that about sum it up ?

I cannot begin to tell you just how very true it is when they say love multiplies, not divides......Yes, it gets crazy, yes you have to manage time differently but its SO worth it....

What you are feeling is so very common ...In the end remember that you are truly giving your DC a gift that no-one else can

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

I know completely how you are feeling bc when I got pregnant with DS #2 (#1 was only 3 months, we were not trying, heck we were suppose to be unable to conceive hence why I did ivf for #1), I cried hysterical for weeks bc I could not believe I was so selfish to take this time away from DS #1. DH could not understand my anxiety or why I was upset. He would from me time & time again this was a blessing.

My entire pregnancy, I stressed on how I was taking away from my oldest & how was I going to handle 2 kids under 1. I think this is what sent me un labor 8 weeks early with #2.

Fast forward to now, I would not change a thing. #1 adjusted nicely & now his brother & him are ei close. It was extremely tough in the beginning but u really spend the same time with the older bc remember newborns sleep a lot. We had no jealousy until much later on when my oldest was closer to 2.

Your feelings are completely normal & its ok to feel that way.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

While Iam not in your shoes, I can imagine feeling guilt about DC #1 not being the only one to give love to. But it's probably more your feelings than what your DC really would feel. I really think you are feeling something very common and normal and it will take time to get used to the idea of two kids.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

You do not have to feel embarrassed about how you are feeling.

We have all been there. I look at my second son now, and OMG - I love him so much. They are both my world. Your heart knows no limits, I promise you that. I see how much the boys love each other and that is one main reason I want to give them another sibling. There is nothing like watching the love my two sons have for each other.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

I could have written this post word for word months ago. In fact I think I did!!! DD2 is 11 weeks old and honestly I felt that way till almost the very end...but now to see the two of them together melts my heart...to see how much DD1 loves her little sister and how DD2 smiles at her it really is a great gift you're actually giving your DC1!!!!

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Mine are 23 months apart and I felt the exact same way throughout my pregnancy with DS2. You are absolutely not alone here

BTW - to the poster who posted that poem, you hit it right on the spot. I was crying reading that

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

I haven't been in your shoes yet, but I believe you are doing the best most unselfish thing you could for your dc, you are giving them s best friend for life!!! Im 4.5 years older than my brother, but now that we are both in our 20s we are super close!! If we were closer in age, I believe we would have been closer sooner!

I can't wait to give my Dd a sibling, I know I'll be sad that she will have to share me, but I know having a constant playmate growing up will be great for her! Siblings share a special bond, so try to focus on that and how much fun the 3 of you will have together in just a few short years!

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Posted by maybeamommy

Posted by Bops

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Author Unknown

......................................................

Does that about sum it up ?

I cannot begin to tell you just how very true it is when they say love multiplies, not divides......Yes, it gets crazy, yes you have to manage time differently but its SO worth it....

What you are feeling is so very common ...In the end remember that you are truly giving your DC a gift that no-one else can

Way to make me cry hysterically at work!!!!

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Posted by teaforthree

Posted by maybeamommy

Posted by Bops

......................................................

Does that about sum it up ?

What you are feeling is so very common ...In the end remember that you are truly giving your DC a gift that no-one else can

Way to make me cry hysterically at work!!!!

OMG... I'm crying here, too! That was beautiful! I'm saving this to my Notebook for when I'm pregnant with my second because I'm SURE I'll have these feelings, too.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

There is nothing to be ashamed about AT ALL!! I can tell you that your feelings right now are temporary and they will be replaced with the feelings want to have in the future. It is difficult to think about having to share yourself with 2 children. Honestly, just know that you will adopt a unique relationship with each of your children. You can't imagine it now but it will happen. You will love them both unconditionally & you will give them both the gift of a loving mother. Give yourself time to feel what you are feeling now though. It's real and it's honest....your heart is sad now but it will be happy again!!

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

I had the same reaction, however, my #2 was not planned.

My 2 boys are 8 days shy of 2 yrs apart and every time I question having them so close together, I think of this pic.



This is how my almost-2-yr-old reacted to meeting his day old baby brother for the very first time.

Your DC is a lucky, lucky kid. A sibling is the best gift ever

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Posted by Bops

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Author Unknown

......................................................

Does that about sum it up ?

I cannot begin to tell you just how very true it is when they say love multiplies, not divides......Yes, it gets crazy, yes you have to manage time differently but its SO worth it....

What you are feeling is so very common ...In the end remember that you are truly giving your DC a gift that no-one else can

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

You have nothing to be ashamed about!! I think what you're feeling is completely normal and very relatible.

I only have 1 DC right now and I'm years away from having another one, but even the mere THOUGHT of having another child practically gives me a panic attack I struggle because part of me has always wanted 2 or 3 children but another part of me feels like I could never love another child as much as I love DS and I would feel terribly guilty as if I'm "cheating" my DS out of time/love.

But I also agree with PP on here -- love multiplies. You're giving your DC an amazing gift by bringing a sibling into this world for him/her.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Posted by Shorty

I had the same reaction, however, my #2 was not planned.

My 2 boys are 8 days shy of 2 yrs apart and every time I question having them so close together, I think of this pic.

IMAGE

This is how my almost-2-yr-old reacted to meeting his day old baby brother for the very first time.

Your DC is a lucky, lucky kid. A sibling is the best gift ever

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Posted by Shorty

I had the same reaction, however, my #2 was not planned.

My 2 boys are 8 days shy of 2 yrs apart and every time I question having them so close together, I think of this pic.

IMAGE

This is how my almost-2-yr-old reacted to meeting his day old baby brother for the very first time.

Your DC is a lucky, lucky kid. A sibling is the best gift ever

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

I can just tell you with every child I always thought - My God - I love my children SOOO much... I give my WHOLE heart to them... can I really love another the same? And the truth is you can!! not only that but IMO giving a child a sibling is the best gift in the world. A sibling will give your child something you cant... A constant playmate, a best friend. I had similar feelings, but after seeing my babies and seeing my children together etc things changed. Good luck!


I could go on and on with the pics LOL

Message edited 9/20/2011 6:17:04 PM.

Re: Ashamed about this post. Sad about second pregnancy.

Posted by Bops

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Author Unknown

......................................................

Does that about sum it up ?

I cannot begin to tell you just how very true it is when they say love multiplies, not divides......Yes, it gets crazy, yes you have to manage time differently but its SO worth it....

What you are feeling is so very common ...In the end remember that you are truly giving your DC a gift that no-one else can