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Being a good wife AND mother...
I know that not everyone here has children, but if you have, or plan on having children in the future...do you think having children will change how you are as a wife?
I sometimes (OK, alot of times) feel like I can't be good at both. I feel like I was a better wife before I had children, and now they are so time consuming that I slack in the "wife department". I feel like my children need me more than my husband does so I make sure to focus my time on them. However, then I feel like my marriage suffers.
Any input?
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Posted 4/23/06 9:11 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I feel that you can be good at both .........I am very involved at both my kids schools and in all their activities and they get alot of love and attention.
I spend time with DH as much as I can ......his clothes are clean his belly is full and he too gets love and attention
What do you mean by your marriage suffers??"
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| Posted 4/23/06 9:17 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I was told once that the most important relationship you could have for your children was the relationship you have with your husband. By having a healthy relationship, your children seek out partners to emulate what they've been seen.
I don't know if it's true - but it sounded good to me. I don't exactly follow it, but I do try to keep it in mind. I know how you feel though.
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| Posted 4/23/06 9:21 AM |
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PiyoPika566
talk to the hand
Member since 5/05 1436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Just curious at what's your definition of a good wife?
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| Posted 4/23/06 9:22 AM |
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by MamaNDaddyof2
What do you mean by your marriage suffers??"
Well, because sometimes I don't give it the attention it needs, I feel like sometimes I'm not really tuned in to it.
Barbara, I totally agree with what you said. Actually DH always says that the best thing a father can do for his child is to love and respect their mother.
I don't know, sometimes I Feel like I can't do both WELL.
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| Posted 4/23/06 9:26 AM |
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by PiyoPika566
Just curious at what's your definition of a good wife?
Good question!
I guess everyones definition would probably be alittle different, but I'd say being supportive, communicative, affectionate, and while I'm no Martha Stewart, a straightend house and a few hot meals don't hurt! And maybe some action her and there afterward
Message edited 4/23/2006 9:34:28 AM.
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| Posted 4/23/06 9:30 AM |
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
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me
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I think that if the woman is a good mother to her kids, and a man is an equally good father to his kids, then it makes it easier for both to be good to each other in their marriage. Does that make sense? Because by both being equally as involved with the kids, it frees up time for each other to focus on the marriage, too.
ETA: I struggle with this internally a lot. Like, I know JT is being really helpful since I've been pregnant with cleaning and doing laundry and running errands, and I grew up in a very liberal household where my dad did a lot of those things, too, however, I still feel sometimes like I am being a bad wife because he is doing those things and not me. I mean, when it comes down to it, he lives here, too, so he SHOULD be doing those things, but I guess the nurturer in me wants to take care of him and make sure his needs are met, even though, deep down, I think that's absolute crap and we should be splitting it equally.
Message edited 4/23/2006 9:41:31 AM.
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| Posted 4/23/06 9:39 AM |
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-Laurie-
Hi!
Member since 5/05 2536 total posts
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I believe a strong marriage builds a great foundation for great parents. If our marriage is strong then so will our family.
I believe to have both you need to..
Look for the good, not just the bad
Give two compliments each day
Play nice
Pick your battles
Cuddle
Talk and Listen.
Dh and I have a LDR atleast 6 months of the year which means I also have to play the good wife, mommy and daddy with very limited contact and far away from family. I've given it my ALL and have been lucky to get it ALL back to me. We deal with the harsh reality of what is truely important daily and that helps both of to realize what we each need out of our relationship daily.
To be a good wife and mother you need to make a commitment to do so but you also need that commitment to be made by your husband and father of your children.
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| Posted 4/23/06 9:53 AM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I don't have children yet, but I think if and when I do, it will definitely change the amount of time and attention that DH gets. Like so many other people, if we want a house, I will have to continue to work (and for me, it will be full time since I have the better benefits.) I know that I will be spread pretty thin and will have to be a lot more diligent in making sure I spend some time alone with DH if and when children come along.
Even now, when we have one of my nieces or nephews spending the weekend, I see how things we normally do get neglected. I can catch up when they leave, but when you are a mom, you don't have that luxury.
Message edited 4/23/2006 10:08:52 AM.
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| Posted 4/23/06 10:08 AM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
It is very hard. I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, a house and a FT job. I ALWAYS feel overwhelmed but I do it .
I once saw an Oprah show that said that your priority's in life should be:
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. You have to put your dh first because he was there first and will be there last. At first I thought it was horrible that the children were last but after having kids, I totally understand what she means. After my kids are out of the house, I still want to have a relationship with my husband.
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| Posted 4/23/06 10:25 AM |
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CaidensMommy
My 3 Miracles!
Member since 5/05 5777 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I know exactly how you feel.
Being a mom is so time consuming and by the time the day ends I'm exhausted and don't have time for my DH. It's not done intentionally, but it does happen. I know he's feeling neglected, but I just don't know what to do about it? I work FT and a 2nd job every other weekend, and he works FT and a 2nd PT job as well. So by the time our days finish there isn't even enough time to keep the house up. I was a much better "wife" before having kids I think, but I can't seem to help it. My son NEEDS me more than my DH technically since he's only 2, but I can't seem to figure out how to be the loving wife sometimes that my DH needs since I'm always falling asleep when my son goes to bed. I could go on and on, but I won't. This is just something that I have yet to figure out how to manage, but I'm going to have to do something ASAP since I'm PG with #2. We don't technically have problems with our marriage, but there is no physical, romantic relationship anymore. The most we give to each other are pecks here and there as we go.  It is very upsetting since we've been together 12.5 years and we've always been affectionate to one another it's just harder nowadays.
If you'd like to talk you can always FM me! Hope things get better!
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| Posted 4/23/06 10:29 AM |
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Melbernai
I am a lucky Momma!
Member since 7/05 15652 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by hazeleyes33
It is very hard. I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, a house and a FT job. I ALWAYS feel overwhelmed but I do it .
I once saw an Oprah show that said that your priority's in life should be:
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. You have to put your dh first because he was there first and will be there last. At first I thought it was horrible that the children were last but after having kids, I totally understand what she means. After my kids are out of the house, I still want to have a relationship with my husband.
While I can understand that, being a new mom I can't help but to put my child first, then my husband, and me last.
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| Posted 4/23/06 10:30 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by Melbernai
While I can understand that, being a new mom I can't help but to put my child first, then my husband, and me last.
I think it's especially hard in the first year to have "me" time and to take care of yourself. Even when you do have that time, there is a guilt factor. Eventually, you'll do things for you without the guilt. It definitely makes you healthier to have that time.
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| Posted 4/23/06 10:49 AM |
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jcndd
The man of my dreams...
Member since 5/05 1706 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I said this back on a post on PG awhile ago... I ALWAYS said I'd be a wife first and then a mother...but it has changed since my DS has arrived. He is my main, #1 priority. It's hard to explain, but I've been w/ my DH for 10 years now. In the beginning I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. Getting to know him, seeing every different smile - learning what made him laugh and what made him cry. I wanted to know him as well as I know myself. And I do. But NOW is the time for me to learn those things about my son. He is the one I want to spend every second with now. I've had my past with DH and I'll have my furture w/ DH - my present is for my son.
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| Posted 4/23/06 10:55 AM |
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julz33
i run for bacon
Member since 5/05 20584 total posts
Name:
julz
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
This is why I am very scared to have kids.... that the relationship between me and DH will suffer
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| Posted 4/23/06 10:57 AM |
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monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by jcndd
I said this back on a post on PG awhile ago... I ALWAYS said I'd be a wife first and then a mother...but it has changed since my DS has arrived. He is my main, #1 priority. It's hard to explain, but I've been w/ my DH for 10 years now. In the beginning I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. Getting to know him, seeing every different smile - learning what made him laugh and what made him cry. I wanted to know him as well as I know myself. And I do. But NOW is the time for me to learn those things about my son. He is the one I want to spend every second with now. I've had my past with DH and I'll have my furture w/ DH - my present is for my son.
I couldn't have said it better.
I definitely feel guilty at times but I know my relationship with DH will eventually come full circle.
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| Posted 4/23/06 11:19 AM |
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jaysee00
LIF Adult
Member since 3/06 1647 total posts
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by julz33
This is why I am very scared to have kids.... that the relationship between me and DH will suffer
I feel exactly the same way you do. Unfortunately, I am the kind of person that gets overwhelmed pretty easily. That is one of my faults. I have enough trouble now working full-time and buying a house.
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| Posted 4/23/06 11:29 AM |
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colesmom
Brady's mom too!
Member since 5/05 1989 total posts
Name:
Lea
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I think that by being a good mother (and Stacy I know that you're a GREAT mother) you are in fact being a Great wife. I know in the reverse, I think my DH is a better husband than he ever was (not that he was bad before!) because he's a great father. It makes me love him even more than I ever thought I could.
DH and I know that we're a team. He literally is my other half, and sometimes its 50/50 but alot of times its 80/20 -- but thats what its about -- picking up where the other left off; offering and accepting to carry or be carried through each situation.
Sometimes you have to step back and look at the whole picture too. Just because there are days that the house isnt clean or dinner isnt made doesnt mean you're neglecting your marriage. Plain and simple when he really needs you you're there.
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| Posted 4/23/06 11:31 AM |
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ExpectingJoy
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/05 751 total posts
Name:
Cari
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Sorry wrong post.
Message edited 4/23/2006 11:43:48 AM.
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| Posted 4/23/06 11:42 AM |
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ExpectingJoy
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/05 751 total posts
Name:
Cari
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I guess I am the odd one out. Since having my daughter (although I absolutely worship her) I have been unable to let my relationship with my husband slide- we are so into each other still, maybe at the expense of my daughter- but G-d I hope not. I count the hours until he comes home, get excited to hear from him during the day, and go on date nights very often with him. He is my connection to adult life and I am often excited to hear about what is going on with him- at work, with friends, etc... I think I would be depressed if it was all about my daughter only. I am only 28 so I still want to feel sexy and desirable, if that makes sense. He is my only connection to that world.
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| Posted 4/23/06 11:43 AM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by Melbernai
Posted by hazeleyes33
It is very hard. I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, a house and a FT job. I ALWAYS feel overwhelmed but I do it .
I once saw an Oprah show that said that your priority's in life should be:
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. You have to put your dh first because he was there first and will be there last. At first I thought it was horrible that the children were last but after having kids, I totally understand what she means. After my kids are out of the house, I still want to have a relationship with my husband.
While I can understand that, being a new mom I can't help but to put my child first, then my husband, and me last.
I totally agree with you. I am always getting done last because everyone else has to be taken care of and I buy things for the kids before myself.
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| Posted 4/23/06 12:49 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by ExpectingJoy
I guess I am the odd one out. Since having my daughter (although I absolutely worship her) I have been unable to let my relationship with my husband slide- we are so into each other still, maybe at the expense of my daughter- but G-d I hope not. I count the hours until he comes home, get excited to hear from him during the day, and go on date nights very often with him. He is my connection to adult life and I am often excited to hear about what is going on with him- at work, with friends, etc... I think I would be depressed if it was all about my daughter only. I am only 28 so I still want to feel sexy and desirable, if that makes sense. He is my only connection to that world.
I agree with you. I LOVE to spend time with my dh alone even though I love my kids to death.
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| Posted 4/23/06 12:51 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by jcndd
I said this back on a post on PG awhile ago... I ALWAYS said I'd be a wife first and then a mother...but it has changed since my DS has arrived. He is my main, #1 priority. It's hard to explain, but I've been w/ my DH for 10 years now. In the beginning I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. Getting to know him, seeing every different smile - learning what made him laugh and what made him cry. I wanted to know him as well as I know myself. And I do. But NOW is the time for me to learn those things about my son. He is the one I want to spend every second with now. I've had my past with DH and I'll have my furture w/ DH - my present is for my son.
If you don't have a relationship with your dh now though, you might not have one in 18 years when your child leaves for college. Just as you would not want to be ignored, a man doesn't want to either. I don't know your dh so I can't assume anything but there are many men out there who leave their wives for this reason, they are felt left out and just there to "pay the bills".
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| Posted 4/23/06 12:54 PM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by hazeleyes33
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.
I could not agree more. It's hard sometimes yes, and if anything, I put myself last, but I believe you have to make an effort to do this. If your basic needs aren't being met, how can you meet anyone else's, including your baby's. This doesn't mean you neglect your child in exchange for a mani/pedi. It just means you have to take care of your basic needs first (get sleep if you need it, don't be a martyr, etc)
I think the biggest mistake women make in marriages is to cast their husbands off to third place in that priority list, put the children first always (of course they will come first for many situations), and then they wonder why their marriages don't work out in the end. They just expect that their husband will be there when they are ready to come back around and move them up on the list again. But by then it's too late because they've been neglecting their marriage for years and the damage can't be undone.
A marriage takes work...and one of the BEST things you can do for your children is make your marriage work.
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| Posted 4/23/06 1:32 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by BabyAvocado
Posted by hazeleyes33
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.
I could not agree more. It's hard sometimes yes, and if anything, I put myself last, but I believe you have to make an effort to do this. If your basic needs aren't being met, how can you meet anyone else's, including your baby's. This doesn't mean you neglect your child in exchange for a mani/pedi. It just means you have to take care of your basic needs first (get sleep if you need it, don't be a martyr, etc)
I think the biggest mistake women make in marriages is to cast their husbands off to third place in that priority list, put the children first always (of course they will come first for many situations), and then they wonder why their marriages don't work out in the end. They just expect that their husband will be there when they are ready to come back around and move them up on the list again. But by then it's too late because they've been neglecting their marriage for years and the damage can't be undone.
A marriage takes work...and one of the BEST things you can do for your children is make your marriage work.
Sandra- i was hoping that you would post here!!! I'm not even a mom yet, but i LOVE reading your posts on this topic-its jsut so encouraging and Real. I was going to pull up one of your posts from a while ago.. but i didnt want to put you on the spot. (but i've actually saved them for when we do have kids... one day )
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| Posted 4/23/06 1:35 PM |
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