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Being a good wife AND mother...
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by neeniebean86
Sandra- i was hoping that you would post here!!! I'm not even a mom yet, but i LOVE reading your posts on this topic-its jsut so encouraging and Real. I was going to pull up one of your posts from a while ago.. but i didnt want to put you on the spot. (but i've actually saved them for when we do have kids... one day  )
wow thanks neenie!! 
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Posted 4/23/06 1:41 PM  |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by julz33
This is why I am very scared to have kids.... that the relationship between me and DH will suffer
Me too. Any time you add something into your life, something else has to give. I imagine I will still work when we have kids (my own decision), and what little time I have left at night I envision me spending with the babies. Weekends, trips alone with DH will be no more. I hope my relationship will not be worse, just different. Our priorities will have to shift from going away/going out to focusing on activities together for the kids.
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| Posted 4/23/06 1:42 PM |
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jcndd
The man of my dreams...
Member since 5/05 1706 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by hazeleyes33
If you don't have a relationship with your dh now though, you might not have one in 18 years when your child leaves for college. Just as you would not want to be ignored, a man doesn't want to either. I don't know your dh so I can't assume anything but there are many men out there who leave their wives for this reason, they are felt left out and just there to "pay the bills".
I never said I don't have a relationship now w/ my husband. How can anyone be married and not have a relationship? Of course we do... but he completely understands that our son comes 1st at this point in our lives. It's not a competition on who means more but a common understanding that our son should be put first at this point in his life. We've had years to build up a solid foundation which is what is making us great parents to our son right now. It's not about "prioritys" or "who comes first" when you have a child, but how to make the best possible life for him/her. And if I thought that my DH would feel left out or that our marriage would suffer after having a child then we wouldn't of had one now. DS comes first in BOTH our minds and always will. And when this time has passed, we will resume "our" time. This path might not be right for everyone, but it's what works for us. We are a solid unit, a wonderful team and a loving family.
Message edited 4/23/2006 1:49:05 PM.
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| Posted 4/23/06 1:42 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by hazeleyes33
Posted by Melbernai
Posted by hazeleyes33
It is very hard. I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, a house and a FT job. I ALWAYS feel overwhelmed but I do it .
I once saw an Oprah show that said that your priority's in life should be:
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. You have to put your dh first because he was there first and will be there last. At first I thought it was horrible that the children were last but after having kids, I totally understand what she means. After my kids are out of the house, I still want to have a relationship with my husband.
While I can understand that, being a new mom I can't help but to put my child first, then my husband, and me last.
I totally agree with you. I am always getting done last because everyone else has to be taken care of and I buy things for the kids before myself.
I don't have kids, but putting yourself before your babies sounds a little selfish to me. I understand the concept in theory, but when you have a little person who is 100% dependent on you, and cannot survive without you, how could you imagine putting yourself first? Yes, we all need to love ourselves and stay sane for the good of the family, but that's different than saying you will always make yourself the priority. And if I had a DH who did not understand that for a portion of our adult lives he is not the center of my world, I don't think I would want to be with him.
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| Posted 4/23/06 1:53 PM |
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by nov04libride
Posted by hazeleyes33
Posted by Melbernai
Posted by hazeleyes33
It is very hard. I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, a house and a FT job. I ALWAYS feel overwhelmed but I do it .
I once saw an Oprah show that said that your priority's in life should be:
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. You have to put your dh first because he was there first and will be there last. At first I thought it was horrible that the children were last but after having kids, I totally understand what she means. After my kids are out of the house, I still want to have a relationship with my husband.
While I can understand that, being a new mom I can't help but to put my child first, then my husband, and me last.
I totally agree with you. I am always getting done last because everyone else has to be taken care of and I buy things for the kids before myself.
I don't have kids, but putting yourself before your babies sounds a little selfish to me. I understand the concept in theory, but when you have a little person who is 100% dependent on you, and cannot survive without you, how could you imagine putting yourself first? Yes, we all need to love ourselves and stay sane for the good of the family, but that's different than saying you will always make yourself the priority. And if I had a DH who did not understand that for a portion of our adult lives he is not the center of my world, I don't think I would want to be with him.
I honestly cannot put myself before my children. I would feel so guilty that it would not even be worth it
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| Posted 4/23/06 2:25 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
I honestly cannot put myself before my children. I would feel so guilty that it would not even be worth it
I don't have kids but I know if/when I do I will feel the same way. And my mom was (is!) the best mom ever and was completely selfless. You have to be able to live with yourself.
Message edited 4/23/2006 2:35:13 PM.
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| Posted 4/23/06 2:33 PM |
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
But honestly, don't you think that putting yourself, your DH and your kids in some sort of permanent order is defeating? I think you need to constantly readjust and shift the focus or else you will go crazy. Sometimes your DH might need more attention, sometimes YOU may need more attention and sometimes it's your kids. I think figuring out when to shift the balance is key to being happy.
Message edited 4/23/2006 2:53:52 PM.
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| Posted 4/23/06 2:53 PM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
Posted by nov04libride
Posted by hazeleyes33
Posted by Melbernai
Posted by hazeleyes33
It is very hard. I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, a house and a FT job. I ALWAYS feel overwhelmed but I do it .
I once saw an Oprah show that said that your priority's in life should be:
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. You have to put your dh first because he was there first and will be there last. At first I thought it was horrible that the children were last but after having kids, I totally understand what she means. After my kids are out of the house, I still want to have a relationship with my husband.
While I can understand that, being a new mom I can't help but to put my child first, then my husband, and me last.
I totally agree with you. I am always getting done last because everyone else has to be taken care of and I buy things for the kids before myself.
I don't have kids, but putting yourself before your babies sounds a little selfish to me. I understand the concept in theory, but when you have a little person who is 100% dependent on you, and cannot survive without you, how could you imagine putting yourself first? Yes, we all need to love ourselves and stay sane for the good of the family, but that's different than saying you will always make yourself the priority. And if I had a DH who did not understand that for a portion of our adult lives he is not the center of my world, I don't think I would want to be with him.
I honestly cannot put myself before my children. I would feel so guilty that it would not even be worth it
I saw this show as well and I completely agree with that order! It has NOTHING to do with not loving your kids and doing things for them, BUT many many times in life when people have kids, their entire lives become their kids...and the marriage and their own selves suffer..
What they are saying is that you can't possibly be a good parent and be able to provide all you need for children without always remembering the marriage first. It does not in any way mean going out all the time on the town, neglecting your kids etc...It means to always remember the other person you married....to make them a #1 priority, to keep the loving relationship alive and if you can conquer that while keeping yourself in check, then your parenting will fall into place.
It just makes perfect sense to me.
And I honestly know that when our son is born, the already wonderful bond i have with my husband will become stronger. I have vowed to never let our marriage be put last and being a great mom at the same time. I do think it can be done!
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| Posted 4/23/06 3:02 PM |
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by prncssrachel
But honestly, don't you think that putting yourself, your DH and your kids in some sort of permanent order is defeating? I think you need to constantly readjust and shift the focus or else you will go crazy. Sometimes your DH might need more attention, sometimes YOU may need more attention and sometimes it's your kids. I think figuring out when to shift the balance is key to being happy.
I agree- I think devoting time to putting things/people in order can be stressful in itself. I know, on a small scale, that I've learned that from having a house. There have been projects I've wanted to do and projects that have to be done, and obviously you do the "need" first.
Regardless, I think it's really important for all women to make time for themselves, their kids and their husbands. I don't think there's any need to rank them as ALL of them are important. And I think about how my mom ALWAYS put herself last, and it was definitely detrimental to her, and even as a kid I sensed it and even though I was little it made me feel guilty.
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| Posted 4/23/06 3:10 PM |
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AnnBrunoXO
2 Girls For Me!
Member since 5/05 4377 total posts
Name:
MaMMa
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Both my husband and baby come first - of course my baby girl has needs and wants that we Both put before anything. If she needs to be feed, changed, hugged, kissed etc - we are both there for her before we are each other.
My husband understands that I sometimes can't keep the house as tidy as I used to or cook extragavent dinners because sometimes the baby is up and I don't simply have the time or energy- so in that case I may have slacked in the "wife" department - but he knows it isn't because of any other reason.
I can't wait to have more children - and I know when that happens - my babies will need to have alot more of my time and I will have to attend to their needs first because they are not able to take care of themselves - and I think my husband will want me to do just that - attend to the children first.
We love each other even more now because we share a new love in our lives called Julia and everything we are doing (saving up, fixing the house etc. etc. etc. ) is all for her.
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| Posted 4/23/06 3:26 PM |
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Maathy317
Grammie's Little Man
Member since 2/06 3235 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I will be celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary next month and for 25 years of those, I have been a parent. I have always believed and will always believe that in order for me to grow and learn as a parent, my relationship with my husband must grow as well. While I love my girls with all my heart and will do anything I can for them, they have always known that their father came first. True, that when they were small, they required more of my attention and time, but, I tried to never let my husband feel that he was not as important or not as loved as they. After all, if it were not for his hard work and dedication and love for his family, we would not have had all we did. While we may not have had things of a tangible nature, we developed a bond with one another that will last for all time. Now, that my children are grown and we are coming to a time when it will, once again, be just he and I, our love and commitment for one another is stronger than it was all those many years ago. All situations are different, but, as with all relationships, if it is not nutured and cared for, it will wither and die. I've, not only told this to my children, but, I hope, I've shown them.
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| Posted 4/23/06 4:15 PM |
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monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
Name:
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by hazeleyes33
Posted by jcndd
I said this back on a post on PG awhile ago... I ALWAYS said I'd be a wife first and then a mother...but it has changed since my DS has arrived. He is my main, #1 priority. It's hard to explain, but I've been w/ my DH for 10 years now. In the beginning I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. Getting to know him, seeing every different smile - learning what made him laugh and what made him cry. I wanted to know him as well as I know myself. And I do. But NOW is the time for me to learn those things about my son. He is the one I want to spend every second with now. I've had my past with DH and I'll have my furture w/ DH - my present is for my son.
If you don't have a relationship with your dh now though, you might not have one in 18 years when your child leaves for college. Just as you would not want to be ignored, a man doesn't want to either. I don't know your dh so I can't assume anything but there are many men out there who leave their wives for this reason, they are felt left out and just there to "pay the bills".
I don't think she meant it to that extreme. I know my DH doesn't feel ignored by any means we just choose to spend our time focused on our daughter and less on each other. There will be a time when she doesn't need/want our attention and we'll have plenty of time for each other then.
Message edited 4/23/2006 4:18:38 PM.
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| Posted 4/23/06 4:18 PM |
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monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
Name:
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by jcndd
Posted by hazeleyes33
If you don't have a relationship with your dh now though, you might not have one in 18 years when your child leaves for college. Just as you would not want to be ignored, a man doesn't want to either. I don't know your dh so I can't assume anything but there are many men out there who leave their wives for this reason, they are felt left out and just there to "pay the bills".
I never said I don't have a relationship now w/ my husband. How can anyone be married and not have a relationship? Of course we do... but he completely understands that our son comes 1st at this point in our lives. It's not a competition on who means more but a common understanding that our son should be put first at this point in his life. We've had years to build up a solid foundation which is what is making us great parents to our son right now. It's not about "prioritys" or "who comes first" when you have a child, but how to make the best possible life for him/her. And if I thought that my DH would feel left out or that our marriage would suffer after having a child then we wouldn't of had one now. DS comes first in BOTH our minds and always will. And when this time has passed, we will resume "our" time. This path might not be right for everyone, but it's what works for us. We are a solid unit, a wonderful team and a loving family.
Danielle-Its the same for us. We don't have as many years together as you and your DH but we had great years that were all about us and we just agree that DD comes first now.
Neither of us are unhappy or neglect our basic needs but we choose to spend our weekends with our child and when we go out we take her with us. DH works all week and really has no desire to be away from her on the weekends.
We have normal couple issues that would be there whether or not we had a child but overall this works for us and we love parenting this way.
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| Posted 4/23/06 4:21 PM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by Maathy317
I will be celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary next month and for 25 years of those, I have been a parent. I have always believed and will always believe that in order for me to grow and learn as a parent, my relationship with my husband must grow as well. While I love my girls with all my heart and will do anything I can for them, they have always known that their father came first. True, that when they were small, they required more of my attention and time, but, I tried to never let my husband feel that he was not as important or not as loved as they. After all, if it were not for his hard work and dedication and love for his family, we would not have had all we did. While we may not have had things of a tangible nature, we developed a bond with one another that will last for all time. Now, that my children are grown and we are coming to a time when it will, once again, be just he and I, our love and commitment for one another is stronger than it was all those many years ago. All situations are different, but, as with all relationships, if it is not nutured and cared for, it will wither and die. I've, not only told this to my children, but, I hope, I've shown them.
30 YEARS!!! That's wonderful! That's not so common a thing this day and age. Congratulations and an early Happy Anniversary! 
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| Posted 4/23/06 4:35 PM |
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monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
Name:
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by prncssrachel
But honestly, don't you think that putting yourself, your DH and your kids in some sort of permanent order is defeating? I think you need to constantly readjust and shift the focus or else you will go crazy. Sometimes your DH might need more attention, sometimes YOU may need more attention and sometimes it's your kids. I think figuring out when to shift the balance is key to being happy.
So true!!
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| Posted 4/23/06 5:40 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by BabyAvocado
Posted by hazeleyes33
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.
I could not agree more. It's hard sometimes yes, and if anything, I put myself last, but I believe you have to make an effort to do this. If your basic needs aren't being met, how can you meet anyone else's, including your baby's. This doesn't mean you neglect your child in exchange for a mani/pedi. It just means you have to take care of your basic needs first (get sleep if you need it, don't be a martyr, etc)
I think the biggest mistake women make in marriages is to cast their husbands off to third place in that priority list, put the children first always (of course they will come first for many situations), and then they wonder why their marriages don't work out in the end. They just expect that their husband will be there when they are ready to come back around and move them up on the list again. But by then it's too late because they've been neglecting their marriage for years and the damage can't be undone.
A marriage takes work...and one of the BEST things you can do for your children is make your marriage work.
EXACTLY-you took the words out of my mouth!!
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| Posted 4/23/06 6:19 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by jcndd
Posted by hazeleyes33
If you don't have a relationship with your dh now though, you might not have one in 18 years when your child leaves for college. Just as you would not want to be ignored, a man doesn't want to either. I don't know your dh so I can't assume anything but there are many men out there who leave their wives for this reason, they are felt left out and just there to "pay the bills".
I never said I don't have a relationship now w/ my husband. How can anyone be married and not have a relationship? Of course we do... but he completely understands that our son comes 1st at this point in our lives. It's not a competition on who means more but a common understanding that our son should be put first at this point in his life. We've had years to build up a solid foundation which is what is making us great parents to our son right now. It's not about "prioritys" or "who comes first" when you have a child, but how to make the best possible life for him/her. And if I thought that my DH would feel left out or that our marriage would suffer after having a child then we wouldn't of had one now. DS comes first in BOTH our minds and always will. And when this time has passed, we will resume "our" time. This path might not be right for everyone, but it's what works for us. We are a solid unit, a wonderful team and a loving family.
As long as it works for you but I still need time every once in a while to still be my dh's wife, not just a mother.
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| Posted 4/23/06 6:20 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by nov04libride
Posted by hazeleyes33
Posted by Melbernai
Posted by hazeleyes33
It is very hard. I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, a house and a FT job. I ALWAYS feel overwhelmed but I do it .
I once saw an Oprah show that said that your priority's in life should be:
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. You have to put your dh first because he was there first and will be there last. At first I thought it was horrible that the children were last but after having kids, I totally understand what she means. After my kids are out of the house, I still want to have a relationship with my husband.
While I can understand that, being a new mom I can't help but to put my child first, then my husband, and me last.
I totally agree with you. I am always getting done last because everyone else has to be taken care of and I buy things for the kids before myself.
I don't have kids, but putting yourself before your babies sounds a little selfish to me. I understand the concept in theory, but when you have a little person who is 100% dependent on you, and cannot survive without you, how could you imagine putting yourself first? Yes, we all need to love ourselves and stay sane for the good of the family, but that's different than saying you will always make yourself the priority. And if I had a DH who did not understand that for a portion of our adult lives he is not the center of my world, I don't think I would want to be with him.
The point is, is that if you don't feel good about yourself, you can't take care of another person. As a mother, I am always taking care of myself last but I know that I can't feel guilty when I take my bday off by myself or go to bed early because I am tired or sick and my dh can watch the kids. Just because you are a mother, you are still a woman who has needs.
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| Posted 4/23/06 6:22 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by prncssrachel
But honestly, don't you think that putting yourself, your DH and your kids in some sort of permanent order is defeating? I think you need to constantly readjust and shift the focus or else you will go crazy. Sometimes your DH might need more attention, sometimes YOU may need more attention and sometimes it's your kids. I think figuring out when to shift the balance is key to being happy.
ABSOLUTELY. The order is really just to let you know that everyone needs attention at different times but you can't devote ALL of your living hours just to your children when you are still a person and your dh is still your husband.
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| Posted 4/23/06 6:23 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by maybebaby
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
Posted by nov04libride
Posted by hazeleyes33
Posted by Melbernai
Posted by hazeleyes33
It is very hard. I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, a house and a FT job. I ALWAYS feel overwhelmed but I do it .
I once saw an Oprah show that said that your priority's in life should be:
Yourself
Your husband
Your children
In that order. The reason is because you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. You have to put your dh first because he was there first and will be there last. At first I thought it was horrible that the children were last but after having kids, I totally understand what she means. After my kids are out of the house, I still want to have a relationship with my husband.
While I can understand that, being a new mom I can't help but to put my child first, then my husband, and me last.
I totally agree with you. I am always getting done last because everyone else has to be taken care of and I buy things for the kids before myself.
I don't have kids, but putting yourself before your babies sounds a little selfish to me. I understand the concept in theory, but when you have a little person who is 100% dependent on you, and cannot survive without you, how could you imagine putting yourself first? Yes, we all need to love ourselves and stay sane for the good of the family, but that's different than saying you will always make yourself the priority. And if I had a DH who did not understand that for a portion of our adult lives he is not the center of my world, I don't think I would want to be with him.
I honestly cannot put myself before my children. I would feel so guilty that it would not even be worth it
I saw this show as well and I completely agree with that order! It has NOTHING to do with not loving your kids and doing things for them, BUT many many times in life when people have kids, their entire lives become their kids...and the marriage and their own selves suffer..
What they are saying is that you can't possibly be a good parent and be able to provide all you need for children without always remembering the marriage first. It does not in any way mean going out all the time on the town, neglecting your kids etc...It means to always remember the other person you married....to make them a #1 priority, to keep the loving relationship alive and if you can conquer that while keeping yourself in check, then your parenting will fall into place.
It just makes perfect sense to me.
And I honestly know that when our son is born, the already wonderful bond i have with my husband will become stronger. I have vowed to never let our marriage be put last and being a great mom at the same time. I do think it can be done!
It can be done. I still have a strong relationship with my dh after 2 kids but it is a daily thing. We usually don't get to "really" talk until they are in bed or on the phone while we are both working.
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| Posted 4/23/06 6:25 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by monkeybride
Posted by hazeleyes33
Posted by jcndd
I said this back on a post on PG awhile ago... I ALWAYS said I'd be a wife first and then a mother...but it has changed since my DS has arrived. He is my main, #1 priority. It's hard to explain, but I've been w/ my DH for 10 years now. In the beginning I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. Getting to know him, seeing every different smile - learning what made him laugh and what made him cry. I wanted to know him as well as I know myself. And I do. But NOW is the time for me to learn those things about my son. He is the one I want to spend every second with now. I've had my past with DH and I'll have my furture w/ DH - my present is for my son.
If you don't have a relationship with your dh now though, you might not have one in 18 years when your child leaves for college. Just as you would not want to be ignored, a man doesn't want to either. I don't know your dh so I can't assume anything but there are many men out there who leave their wives for this reason, they are felt left out and just there to "pay the bills".
I don't think she meant it to that extreme. I know my DH doesn't feel ignored by any means we just choose to spend our time focused on our daughter and less on each other. There will be a time when she doesn't need/want our attention and we'll have plenty of time for each other then.
I agree and my dh and I get to talk at night after the kids are in bed or on the phone while we are working but we still have a relationship. Some women put their dh's on the back burner for so many years and think they can go right back to like they were when they first got married but the spark is just not there anymore.
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| Posted 4/23/06 6:28 PM |
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MsG
Should be working
Member since 5/05 2824 total posts
Name:
G
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
I've heard of the concept of the "good enough mother" and found an article about it, maybe some people will find it interesting:
Good Enough!
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| Posted 4/23/06 7:03 PM |
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steph4777
**************
Member since 5/05 11726 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Being a good wife AND mother...
Posted by Maathy317
I will be celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary next month and for 25 years of those, I have been a parent.
Congratulations!!!!! My parents are also celebrating 30 years in June.
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| Posted 4/23/06 7:06 PM |
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