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Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
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jxnoscar
Baby Delicious!
Member since 8/06 4156 total posts
Name:
Nancy
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Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
Me first
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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Posted 3/25/08 3:19 PM  |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:22 PM |
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pinkiegirl
Member since 7/07 2160 total posts
Name:
Dana
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
Posted by jxnoscar
Me first
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:24 PM |
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seank80
Don't Taze My Dog Bro!!
Member since 5/07 2240 total posts
Name:
Sean
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
Posted by jxnoscar
Me first
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
I have a case of Deja Vu. No clue where I heard it but I have heard that joke recently.
Here goes Spitzer one liners:
"Spitzer's going be out of office, he's going to be looking for a job, and I'm thinking, 'Whoa, isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?'" --David Letterman
"It's sad, Spitzer said there's so much left undone -- Amber, Ashley, Rhonda." --David Letterman
"What the Spitzers are saying now is they need some time alone. Eliot and his wife need some time alone now. And I thought this was very nice, Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, when he heard this, he offered his vacation restroom on the lake." --David Letterman
"Don't kid yourself, ladies and gentlemen, this is serious. We're having a lot fun here now, but it's really serious. Eliot Spitzer could go to jail, he could go to prison, think about that. The former governor of New York could go to prison. And, well, that'll be sex he won't have to pay for." --David Letterman
"The New York Times was able to find Kristen, the 22-year-old prostitute who Spitzer allegedly paid $1,000 an hour. Her real name is Ashley Dupre. ... Her MySpace page says her first love is music, she wants to be a singer, and then her second love is having sex with governors for money." --Jimmy Kimmel
"It turns out the call girl linked to Eliot Spitzer is also, this is true, an R + B singer, and she said in an interview that her latest song was inspired by a guy. Yeah. She didn't say which guy, but the song is called, 'Bald Creepy Governor.' It's a good song." --Conan O'Brien
"Now this scandal affects a lot of people, it even affects Hillary Clinton, apparently. Political experts are saying that before Eliot Spitzer's scandal, Hillary Clinton had considered him as a possible running mate. Yeah. Yeah, now Hillary's considering Spitzer as a possible husband." --Conan O'Brien
"Well, they said Eliot Spitzer may have spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes. $80,000, wait a minute, think about it, with the stock market going down, real estate markets crashing, he got a better return than most guys on his money, didn't he?" --Jay Leno
"I guess you heard the big news. Governor Eliot Spitzer, governor of New York, resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip." --David Letterman
"But here's the deal, now Spitzer will have to pay women to call him governor." --David Letterman
"Eliot Spitzer was a Hillary Clinton superdelegate. ... Also, Spitzer was on Hillary Clinton's vice president list, possible running mate. Boy, she can pick 'em, can't she?" --David Letterman
"Now, here's the deal about the tryst down there in a Washington, DC, hotel -- $5,000 and a hotel room. Five grand and a hotel room. And Senator Larry Craig -- you remember Larry from Idaho? He said, 'Well, that's crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'" --David Letterman
"Our governor, Eliot Spitzer, resigned today. ... And to make things official, Governor Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York's secretary of state. He wrote a letter. Yeah. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Spitzer's resignation is bad news for Hillary Clinton. Did you know this? It's not good for Hillary Clinton, because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York. That means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. It's true. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman." --Conan O'Brien
"Now they are saying he may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that’s only $22 a day. I spend that on Direct TV." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Today he held another press conference he said he needed to leave to begin the difficult process of healing. Not emotionally -- his wife hit him in the face with a George Foreman Grill." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Some of the more sordid details are starting to emerge, supposedly, Spitzer didn't like to wear a condom which I’m sure was just the cherry on top of his wife's cake." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno
"No, the FBI said they became suspicious after tracking what they call 'questionable transfers of money' from Spitzer's account. See, at first they thought he was hiding bribe money. And then they realized it's highly unlikely that the governor would be bribed by a woman named Cindy Candypants." --Jay Leno
"Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? ... It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno
"As I'm sure you know by now, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted that he was involved in a prostitution ring. Now this is the same man who when he was attorney general went after the prostitution ring. So apparently, it was for not giving him good service." --Jay Leno
"This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to a governor, I guess, since Arnold Schwarzenegger did 'Kindergarten Cop.'" --Jay Leno
"The really ironic thing about this case -- today, the hooker said Spitzer was done in a New York minute." --Jay Leno
"Well, you know something, this shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean, you got Democrats. Now, they're supposed to be poor, right? Don't Democrats traditionally represent the poor people? They're paying $5,000 an hour for sex. You got the Republicans. They're supposed to be rich, right? They're cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. What's going on?" --Jay Leno
"Do you ever notice politics is the only profession when a guy gets caught with a hooker, the wife has to stand by his side. You know, if this guy was a plumber and he got caught with a prostitute, he'd have his wife's SUV tire tracks over his head." --Jay Leno
"The New York Times reported that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was a customer of a high-end prostitution ring, that the prostitutes knew him as Client #9. Client #9, yeah. Not surprisingly, clients one through eight were Charlie Sheen." --Conan O'Brien
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:24 PM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel. The bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded, "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."
"My second husband was from Software Services: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach'."
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . God I miss him! So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:25 PM |
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dandr10199
Grace is growing up too fast!
Member since 10/05 11561 total posts
Name:
Dina
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
Posted by GoldenRod
Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
LOVE IT!  I need that today. Thank you 
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:27 PM |
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neener1211
:-)
Member since 4/07 22952 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
When Grandma Goes to Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bra dley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:27 PM |
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MrsMerlot
Unconditional Love
Member since 4/06 6005 total posts
Name:
Chrissy
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
here's a joke:
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing...it just waved.
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:32 PM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
One afternoon, Christopher's father picked him up early from school to take Chris to a dental appointment.
Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, the father asked his son if he had gotten a part.
Christopher enthusiastically announced that indeed he had gotten a part. Chris prouldly exclaimed, "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work, and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:35 PM |
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headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:37 PM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
The other night , a few friends of mine went out to this "Lady's Club." One of the women wanted to impress us. So, she pulled out a $10 bill.
The male dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 bill and put it on his butt. Not to be out done, one of the other women pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill, and put it on his other butt cheek.
Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, then the banker in me took over. I got my ATM card, swiped it down the male dancer's crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:37 PM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow j** I promised you? Here it comes . . ."
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| Posted 3/25/08 3:39 PM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
Female Comebacks
Here are some lines women can use to counteract those tacky chat-up lines used by men.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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| Posted 3/25/08 4:12 PM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
Last year a gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot with a fancy granite headstone in an expensive cemetery.
On his mother-in-law's next birthday, he bought her nothing.
Naturally, she was quick to comment loud and long about his thoughtlessness.
The son-in-law replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
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| Posted 3/25/08 4:21 PM |
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JenG
Love my little boy!
Member since 6/05 2489 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Board is very intense today--Who has a joke?
What does NASCAR stand for??
Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
(hope not to offend those who like NASCAR )
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| Posted 3/25/08 8:51 PM |
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