Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Please let me know how you do it.

Please tell me how you would react in these situations so I can try my best to impersonate you.

I had back surgery on Friday. I was in the hospital Friday at 5:30 am until noon on Saturday.

For the next 21 days I cannot pick up anything over 5 pounds. Which of course means I cannot pick up DS.

I'm in major recovery right now, no standing or sitting in one position for long periods of time. And I'm on Oxycodone for the pain - it makes me nauseous and loopy.

DH is "helping".

But at 2 am when I'm trying to sleep and he's letting the baby cry and coming in repeatedly to ask me what to do, it makes me angry.

When it's the first morning home and he is doing work and asks me to watch the baby in the swing when he's supposed to be helping me, it makes me angry.

When I'm trying to nap and he comes in and uses the computer in that room instead of his laptop elsewhere, while eating crunchy things and coughing, it makes me angry.

When I ask for something to eat and it takes him 15 minutes to get it because he's checking emails, it makes me angry.

When I finally get up to get something myself and he gets annoyed at me for not "letting him take care of me" it makes me angry.

We've been bickering non-stop since my parents left yesterday and it's making me angry.

So, how do I stop being angry at him?

How do I take these things in stride?

I'm so emotional about not being able to pick up DS. Having to stop BFing, being in pain, etc.

Why doesn't DH understand this????

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Because he has a penis

How are you feeling? I've been thinking of you

Anyway, in his own "man way" he is trying to help you, but because you do everything better he is just plain annoying to you.

Hope you are doing ok

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

I have found that even the most sensitive, intelligent men still need to be spoon fed when it comes to interpreting a woman's needs. I know we all think that they should understand without us explaining and they should, but they just don't. Just spell it all out for him in the nicest way you can muster right now. I truly sounds like he is trying you just need to direct him more.


I hope you feel better soon.

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Well, I am not calm, rational, or even tempered so I have no clue how to help you - but I just wanted to say that I hope you feel better really soon!

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Posted by MelToddJulia

Posted by Diana1215

Well, I am not calm, rational, or even tempered so I have no clue how to help you - but I just wanted to say that I hope you feel better really soon!

Same here!

Hope you feel better!

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

You have FM...

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

It's hard. I had back surgery in April and did too much too fast and guess where I'm heading Wednesday? Yep back to my back surgeon.
So my best advice is speak up and make him do it. Yes it sucks for him but remind him it's 3 weeks and if you don't recover properly you can be right back where you started.

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Can you get a home health aid or a baby nurse? Would your health insurance pay for something like this? I think it would be worth investigating. DHs try hard but it is just not the same.

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

WOW. I went through the same thing when I had heart surgery. & weeks of not lifting up DD and it was emotional torture. I totally know how you feel.

I set up a schedule for family to help us out. My MIL lived in our home with us for over two weeks, then my dad took a week, then my Aunt, then my cousin and so on.

Honestly, as intrusive as it was to have family basically living here with us, my DH knew we needed the help and after he went back to work. As a matter of fact my MIL was here when he was off, to do laundry, be here in case DD woke up in the middle of the night, etc. IMHO, you need the WOMEN in your family to help you right now. Can anyone stay for a few days at a time? Also, be patient with your DH, it is probably the first time he is doing your "job" and if you went to his office to do his job, you would have a ton of questions too (albeit, not in the middle of the night. )

HAng in there and feel free to FM me if you need to vent. Feel better

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

I am pretty calm and rational. My suggestion find a 4 pound weight you can lift and then throw it at DH.

In all serioussness though, you both are stressed for very different reasons so its only natural it lead to fighting.

I do think opening the communication will help, try sitting down with DH when things are calm, and going over how you are feeling. You are a very independent women who is now forced to be dependent on someone else. Thats not easy

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

I wish I could give you advice but that would make me angry too and I am not always calm, rational or even tempered! Does he not understand what you need from him?

Can you go stay at your parents house for a few days and leave him alone with the baby...maybe he will take it more seriously when he has noone there with him?

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

I've been there (had kidney operation when DD was 3 weeks old). It's hard. I truly believe DH was trying his best, but the helpless feeling you are going through at that time doesn't help make the inadequacies better. I hope things get better, I know I went through a rough patch, but I also knew DH was trying his best, even if it wasn't what I was hoping for.

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

I think you need to sit him down, thank him for his efforts and stroke his ego a bit, and then explain to him what you actually NEED him to do. In plain english, small words, whatever helps him to understand your specific needs.

He's clearly trying to help, but just doesn't know exactly what to do.

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Thanks everyone.

Just venting it made me feel a little better.

Pauline, you made me laugh out loud for the first time since the surgery!!

My parents were here for the weekend, they offered to take me and DS home to Delaware with them, but I have folllow-up appointments and DS has his 4 month visit, so it would be too hard.

His parents aren't exactly "motherly" - my MIL hands the baby back to me whenever he needs to be changed or is crying.

We just had it out and things are bad.

When we're calmer we'll try again.

Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon.

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

You are amazing...an angel...Because I would have told him a divorce was coming once you could drive to the lawyers on your own , and then I would have explained to my Dr's and Logans that you need to see an assocaite in Delaware, reschedule Logans appnt and stayed with my parents.

I would have already have tried the I hate you so much right now approach and would ignore him 100%.

I really have NO compassion for a man who cannot handle a baby, THEIR OWN baby when your so sick and in pain and hurting emotionally.

I give you credit, b/c I would lose it.

I make sure DH understands he is 50% this marriage, 50% Noahs parent and he MUST help...

There is No maybe, or giving him "time to learn" ..

W T F ...when do WE get to learn?

Can you lock him out of the bedroom? Have someone buy a lock for the door. That will teach him a lesson.

I wish I lived closer sweetie. Been thinking about you constant;ly, didnt think you would be on here, so didnt FM you.

Glad to hear the surgery went ok???

im sorry Im so heated, this just makes me so mad, cause I know how hard your trying to get better.

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Posted by heidla

I have found that even the most sensitive, intelligent men still need to be spoon fed when it comes to interpreting a woman's needs. I know we all think that they should understand without us explaining and they should, but they just don't. Just spell it all out for him in the nicest way you can muster right now. I truly sounds like he is trying you just need to direct him more.


I hope you feel better soon.

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Posted by stephanief

Posted by heidla

I have found that even the most sensitive, intelligent men still need to be spoon fed when it comes to interpreting a woman's needs. I know we all think that they should understand without us explaining and they should, but they just don't. Just spell it all out for him in the nicest way you can muster right now. I truly sounds like he is trying you just need to direct him more.


I hope you feel better soon.

I agree with this...feel better

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

We're not speaking. The word separation was thrown around.

I so don't need this on top of everything else right now.

It's like we just CANNOT communicate.

He thinks everything I say is condescending when I'm just trying to help.

I think everything he says is defensive when he's just trying to explain.

We've never been like this before. I'm actually scared that this will not be able to be overcome.

He is a great dad, he's just not thinking things through now. And I have no patience, because all of my patience is being spent on pain management.

We don't fight regularly. I'm not sure if it's just all the recent stress or what.

Ugh. I just need to get away for a little bit, but I can't drive and he can't leave me alone with the baby.

The house is feeling way too small right now.

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Oh Lauren, I'm so sorry! From my earlier post you can see my marriage isn't in such great shape right now either, and I can't imagine dealing with the physical pain from your surgey on top of everything else. Do you have a friend you could stay with for a couple of days? Just so you can get proper rest and you and DH can have some time to cool off and miss each other?

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, as if your plate wasn't full enough.

Maybe a little cooling off time is needed on both ends to kind of re-group and come back to talk civil to each other.

Easier said than done, I know....but try to speak in "I" statements for effective communicating and avoiding further arguments. "I feel..." rather than "you're not...". It puts the other person less on the defensive.

I hope this all works out for you, I'm sure it's just the added stress and anxiety right now

Re: Calling all calm, rational, even tempered people...

This MAY sound like I am sticking up for him, but I'm not, but here goes: You are in pain, you are stressed and sad. He is taking over doing all of these thing you do SO well and that makes him stressed.

You are both saying things that you do not mean because of this stress and anger.

He is probably asking you questions b/c he thinks you may want to give input and he may come into the room to try to hang out with you. But because he is a man, he cannot verbalize these things.

Just take a deep breath and relax and go to bed or whatever and talk about it later