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Eireann
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Member since 5/05 12165 total posts
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Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
We've been invited to one next month. The bride is Conservative, the groom Orthodox. We know the bride's parents and that's about it. From what I understand, it's going to be very different from every other wedding we've attended.
For starters, it's on a Thursday. I am pretty certain my DH and I will be separated for the ceremony. I think there's only 90 minutes where alcohol is served. We will probably be seated together for the reception, but I think we won't be allowed to dance together.
What else can you tell me?
Oh, and my main question...
What should I wear????
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Posted 5/22/12 4:24 PM  |
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MrsRapz
mahna mahna!
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
i've been to one before and yes - everything you heard is true.
-- men and women are separated. At dinner, my DH and I got to sit together though (we were only dating at the time, not married yet)
-- the ceremony is pretty long from what i remember
-- they're usually on thursdays because friday night - saturday is the sabbath and that's holy.
-- the food was AWFUL since it had to be fully kosher
-- the ceremony was really really long but the CH is before the ceremony usually so you can eat something there.
as for what to wear, i wore a black pencil skirt that went past my knees (ie: cover the knees) and a white button shirt. no cleavage, obviously 
oh, and if you're giving a cash gift, it's nice to do a multiple of 18.
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| Posted 5/22/12 4:32 PM |
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by MrsRapz
-- the food was AWFUL since it had to be fully kosher
I agree w/ PP except above - not all kosher food is AWFUL. It could have just been the place the wedding was held.
You might not sit together to eat - at the ones I have been to men and woman ate apart. Also, the dancing was not joint.
You don't have to wear black but I wouldn't wear "Josephina and the Technicolor Dream Skirt" either.
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| Posted 5/22/12 4:40 PM |
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Tulips915
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Me
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
You will be separate the entire night (ceremony and reception). At the reception there will be a removable wall between the men and women, you won't even see the men.
All kosher food is not bad but don't go there starving, eat something before.
I don't know where you got the part about only 90 minutes of alcohol?! There will be tons of drinking, all night. The men are crazy with the drinking (from the weddings I've been to)
Wear 3/4 sleeves or longer and the neck line should be by your collarbone. Dress/skirt should be to the knee or below.
It is very different but it's fun! Have a good time.
Oh and Orthodox weddings never start on time
Message edited 5/22/2012 4:46:44 PM.
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| Posted 5/22/12 4:46 PM |
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JenniferEver
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Jennifer
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
I've never been to an orthodox wedding. I've actually refused those invites because I don't want to be separated from my DH.
You will likely be separated during the reception as well. Even if you are not, there is no co-ed dancing. The ceremony may or may not be long. I've been to like a conservadox ceremony which was very long, but the actual Jewish ceremony can take just a few minutes.
You may be invited to Tish and Bedeken before the ceremony. These are ceremonies that happen before the ceremony. Men and women are always split up for this, even if its a reform wedding. It's actually a lot of fun, the men bring the groom in to check if the bride is really the bride. 
I've had very good kosher food (like at Crest Hollow) but it's not always good. If you're a vegetarian you may be screwed.
As for dress, very conservaive. shoulders definitely covered, high neckline, skirt below the knee.
Gift - Multiples of 18 are traditional or you can do like $100.18
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| Posted 5/22/12 5:13 PM |
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Jax430
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Member since 5/05 18919 total posts
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Jackie
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by Eireann
We've been invited to one next month. The bride is Conservative, the groom Orthodox. We know the bride's parents and that's about it. From what I understand, it's going to be very different from every other wedding we've attended.
For starters, it's on a Thursday. I am pretty certain my DH and I will be separated for the ceremony. I think there's only 90 minutes where alcohol is served. We will probably be seated together for the reception, but I think we won't be allowed to dance together.
What else can you tell me?
Oh, and my main question...
What should I wear????
DH and I are Conservative, but a Conservative wedding is very different than an Orthodox one. If it is an Orthodox wedding, expect the following:
-you will be seated separately during the ceremony. I've always been seated with DH at the reception.
-there were be at least some separate dancing during the reception (most of my friends are modern orthodox, and they had sets of separate-gender Jewish dancing, and sets of more "typical" American-style dancing).
-There will also be "shtick" during the dancing, where guests do funny things to entertain the bride and groom.
-There will be no dairy at the wedding, as meat will most likely be served.
-The cocktail hour will be before the ceremony, and there will be music and singing leading the groom out to the bride for the "bedeken" (where the groom veils the bride.) Before this, the bride will be sitting and praying, and the groom will be in another room with a group of men.
-In my experience, kosher wedding have DELICIOUS food, so I disagree with the PP who said that the food was "awful since it had to be kosher." In that case, everything I cook in my house is awful too.
-you should wear something that comes to your knee, and have your shoulders covered. Nothing too low cut.
If it is a Conservative wedding, like mine was, it really won't be all that different from any other wedding you've been too, except for the ceremony obviously, and the food being Kosher, and dancing the Hora.
There is a huge variation even among Orthodox weddings, from the modern-Orthodox (which I imagine this wedding will be, since the bride is Conservative), to the ultra-Orthodox (who would not be marrying a Conservative woman).
Feel free to FM me with any questions. I've been to a TON of Conservative and Orthodox weddings.
ETA: 90 minutes of alcohol just sounds like a money-saver, not anything having to do with the religion. Most Orthodox weddings have a TON of drinking going on! It's a really happy, joyous time.
Message edited 5/22/2012 5:34:45 PM.
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| Posted 5/22/12 5:30 PM |
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BeachGal
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Member since 2/10 2827 total posts
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J
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
It's funny I was actually talking to my friend about this today because I just got an invite for her wedding. She said that the cocktail hour is before the ceremony and men and women will be together. At the reception there will be a men's side and a woman's side but she is going to try to do some co-Ed tables if her fiancé doesn't mind. She said that there will be alcohol and that the wedding will last 5 hours from start to finish. She told me that if there are no co Ed tables that I could go to the men's side to hang out but my dh can't come to my side. I told her I am wearing a short sleeve knee length dress which she said is fine. I will be very preggo at the wedding so the dress is not tight at all.
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| Posted 5/22/12 6:03 PM |
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SummerMom
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Know that it will probably run LATE. Like, you might not eat dinner until 10 or 11:00. Yes, on a Thursday. There is a lot of stuff that might happen before the wedding vows. When my cousin got married, there was kind of like a cocktail-hour thing, where the bride was the "queen" and held "court" while everyone mingled, and then the groom and groomsmen busted in and entertained us, like they were the jesters. So the invitation said 7:00, but this went on until 8:30, wedding ceremony (all in Hebrew) at 9:00, then we were seated in the ballroom, they took drink orders, we danced (separately) for 45 minutes or so, then they took dinner orders... it took SO LONG and we were SO HUNGRY, lol.
We were allowed to sit mixed-gender at the table for dinner, but had to separate in the temple and while we were dancing.
Homeless men came in and begged at the tables for money during dinner. I guess that since it's a mitzvah to give to the poor, they hit you up during times of plenty and celebration. The Orthodox people there were unfazed, but I was dumbfounded that homeless strangers were wandering around the catering hall, asking for handouts while people were eating their salads. Just giving you a heads-up!
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| Posted 5/22/12 7:06 PM |
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Jax430
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Jackie
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by DavaDay
Homeless men came in and begged at the tables for money during dinner. I guess that since it's a mitzvah to give to the poor, they hit you up during times of plenty and celebration. The Orthodox people there were unfazed, but I was dumbfounded that homeless strangers were wandering around the catering hall, asking for handouts while people were eating their salads. Just giving you a heads-up!
Oh wow...I've never seen that! I would definitely be shocked by that!
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| Posted 5/22/12 7:44 PM |
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TheDivineMrsM
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Mama mama mama....
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by Jax430
If it is an Orthodox wedding, expect the following:
-you will be seated separately during the ceremony. I've always been seated with DH at the reception.
-there were be at least some separate dancing during the reception (most of my friends are modern orthodox, and they had sets of separate-gender Jewish dancing, and sets of more "typical" American-style dancing).
-There will also be "shtick" during the dancing, where guests do funny things to entertain the bride and groom.
-There will be no dairy at the wedding, as meat will most likely be served.
-The cocktail hour will be before the ceremony, and there will be music and singing leading the groom out to the bride for the "bedeken" (where the groom veils the bride.) Before this, the bride will be sitting and praying, and the groom will be in another room with a group of men.
-In my experience, kosher wedding have DELICIOUS food, so I disagree with the PP who said that the food was "awful since it had to be kosher." In that case, everything I cook in my house is awful too.
-you should wear something that comes to your knee, and have your shoulders covered. Nothing too low cut.
If it is a Conservative wedding, like mine was, it really won't be all that different from any other wedding you've been too, except for the ceremony obviously, and the food being Kosher, and dancing the Hora.
ETA: 90 minutes of alcohol just sounds like a money-saver, not anything having to do with the religion. Most Orthodox weddings have a TON of drinking going on! It's a really happy, joyous time.
Totally agreed.
I would wear something conservative. No cleavage, high slits, or strapless gowns w/o a wrap of some kind.
Oh, and FTR, most kosher food is very good. If a pp had a bad experience, it's a reflection of the caterer.
Have fun and enjoy!!
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| Posted 5/22/12 7:54 PM |
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Eireann
Two ladies and a gentleman!
Member since 5/05 12165 total posts
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Thank you so much, everyone! This was very helpful. I am looking forward to going but a little anxious-- especially because of the separation thing, since there's a good chance I will not know any other women there at all.
I have another question about dress...if I end up with a sleeveless dress, is it OK to keep a wrap on for shoulder coverage? This "rule" kind of reminds me of visiting the Vatican where similar wardrobe requirements were in effect.
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| Posted 5/22/12 8:20 PM |
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sameinitials
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Member since 2/12 1998 total posts
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
if you are at all close with the bride or groom, i'd suggest asking them what to expect, if only so you know how to "go with the flow." i've been to a fair share of more traditional orthodox weddings (men and women sitting separately during both the ceremony and the reception) but also more "modern" ones, where there was some mixed seating.
and i agree with some of the PP - if all kosher food is bad, then my cooking sucks!
if you have any questions about what might go on during the ceremony itself, feel free to FM or ask here.
ETA clothing ideas - I would suggest wearing something that covers your elbows and is around knee length - a dress with a cardigan is fine. I think to the weddings I went to, I wore a black dress with a cardigan, a fancy sweater/skirt, and a boat-neck dress with 3/4 sleeves that had sequins around the neckline and sleeves cuffs (not all at the same time, obv )
Message edited 5/22/2012 8:41:08 PM.
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| Posted 5/22/12 8:22 PM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
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M
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by Eireann
Thank you so much, everyone! This was very helpful. I am looking forward to going but a little anxious-- especially because of the separation thing, since there's a good chance I will not know any other women there at all.
I have another question about dress...if I end up with a sleeveless dress, is it OK to keep a wrap on for shoulder coverage? This "rule" kind of reminds me of visiting the Vatican where similar wardrobe requirements were in effect.
This really depends on how observant the couple/wedding is. My best friend is getting married in November and having a Modern Orthodox wedding and she specified more than a wrap for shoulder coverage - maybe a small jacket or shrug with sleeves type thing? At my, Conservative, wedding a shoulder wrap for the ceremony was totally fine and nothing during the reception. You may want to ask whoever has invited you what their preference is.
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| Posted 5/22/12 8:32 PM |
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mbg1007
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
1)Yes, you can wear a wrap on a strapless dress. My father's entire family is orthodox and I have gone to tons of wedding and bar mitzvahs and have done this with a strapless or spagetti strap dress. Dont forget that her family is not orthodox so most likely there will be a lot of people there wearing less conservative clothing. Its not going to be as strict as you think.
2)You will also most definitely be sitting together at the reception. The only people who seat separatley are ultra-orthodox/Hassidim.
3)As for the dancing, Ive been to orthodox weddings where there was mixed dancing and no separations on the dance floor so it really depends on the couple.
4) There is actually a reason for the Thursday weddings, they are huge amongst the Orthodox. I think it has something to do with when the Torah is read and it being a mitzvah to get married on that day or something like that. Sunday weddings are the most fancy bc religious jews cant get married on saturday nights since they cant start to get ready until an hour after sundown.
5) Kosher food is NOT awful, like EVERY wedding it depends on the caterer and Ive been to some non-kosher wedding with some pretty heinous food. There wont be dairy but you prob wont even notice.
6) the alcohol thing has everything to do with their budget and nothing to do with religion.
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| Posted 5/22/12 8:46 PM |
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by Jax430
Posted by DavaDay
Homeless men came in and begged at the tables for money during dinner. I guess that since it's a mitzvah to give to the poor, they hit you up during times of plenty and celebration. The Orthodox people there were unfazed, but I was dumbfounded that homeless strangers were wandering around the catering hall, asking for handouts while people were eating their salads. Just giving you a heads-up!
Oh wow...I've never seen that! I would definitely be shocked by that!
Half my family is Orthodox - I never saw this happen!
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| Posted 5/22/12 9:08 PM |
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by Eireann
Thank you so much, everyone! This was very helpful. I am looking forward to going but a little anxious-- especially because of the separation thing, since there's a good chance I will not know any other women there at all.
I have another question about dress...if I end up with a sleeveless dress, is it OK to keep a wrap on for shoulder coverage? This "rule" kind of reminds me of visiting the Vatican where similar wardrobe requirements were in effect.
Prepare to be amazed at how joyous their celebrations are. The dancing and singing is just so full of joy. I love Orthodox celebrations!
Message edited 5/22/2012 9:10:36 PM.
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| Posted 5/22/12 9:10 PM |
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Tulips915
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Member since 8/08 6851 total posts
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Me
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by DavaDay
Homeless men came in and begged at the tables for money during dinner. I guess that since it's a mitzvah to give to the poor, they hit you up during times of plenty and celebration. The Orthodox people there were unfazed, but I was dumbfounded that homeless strangers were wandering around the catering hall, asking for handouts while people were eating their salads. Just giving you a heads-up!
I've seen that at every wedding i've gone to (in Crown Heights), it does happen. Most of the guests even knew the men by name too since they go to almost every wedding.
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| Posted 5/22/12 9:17 PM |
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by Tulips915
Posted by DavaDay
Homeless men came in and begged at the tables for money during dinner. I guess that since it's a mitzvah to give to the poor, they hit you up during times of plenty and celebration. The Orthodox people there were unfazed, but I was dumbfounded that homeless strangers were wandering around the catering hall, asking for handouts while people were eating their salads. Just giving you a heads-up!
I've seen that at every wedding i've gone to (in Crown Heights), it does happen. Most of the guests even knew the men by name too since they go to almost every wedding.
wow! My family live in areas outside of NY. I have never been to a Crown Heights affair!
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| Posted 5/22/12 9:19 PM |
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Jax430
Hi!
Member since 5/05 18919 total posts
Name:
Jackie
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by mbg1007
1)Yes, you can wear a wrap on a strapless dress. My father's entire family is orthodox and I have gone to tons of wedding and bar mitzvahs and have done this with a strapless or spagetti strap dress. Dont forget that her family is not orthodox so most likely there will be a lot of people there wearing less conservative clothing. Its not going to be as strict as you think.
2)You will also most definitely be sitting together at the reception. The only people who seat separatley are ultra-orthodox/Hassidim.
3)As for the dancing, Ive been to orthodox weddings where there was mixed dancing and no separations on the dance floor so it really depends on the couple.
4) There is actually a reason for the Thursday weddings, they are huge amongst the Orthodox. I think it has something to do with when the Torah is read and it being a mitzvah to get married on that day or something like that. Sunday weddings are the most fancy bc religious jews cant get married on saturday nights since they cant start to get ready until an hour after sundown.
5) Kosher food is NOT awful, like EVERY wedding it depends on the caterer and Ive been to some non-kosher wedding with some pretty heinous food. There wont be dairy but you prob wont even notice.
6) the alcohol thing has everything to do with their budget and nothing to do with religion.
I agree with all of this. Since her family is conservative, I would expect that there will be a little more leniency with the dress, as well as mixed seating at the reception. I have gone to several weddings where I have only covered my shoulders with a wrap and I was okay. At one of them, I actually ended up sitting next to the Chabad Rabbi and Rebetzin from my college. I was a little embarrassed, but it was okay.
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| Posted 5/22/12 9:25 PM |
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maybesoon
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by JenniferEver
I've never been to an orthodox wedding. I've actually refused those invites because I don't want to be separated from my DH.
$100.18
Yes I've only been to one and was separated from dh much of the time. none of our friends would dance because we would have had to split up.
The food was not good, and the ceremony was very long
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| Posted 5/22/12 10:37 PM |
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leighdvm
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Member since 3/06 4419 total posts
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Michele
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
What is the reasoning behind seperating the men and women during orthodox weddings? Even if couples are married? I'm truly curious, never been to one.
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| Posted 5/23/12 9:33 AM |
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Jax430
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Jackie
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by leighdvm
What is the reasoning behind seperating the men and women during orthodox weddings? Even if couples are married? I'm truly curious, never been to one.
Well, during Orthodox Jewish services, men and women never sit together, so the same holds true for the wedding ceremony. I am not sure that this is the main reason, but I know that it is thought that during prayer, the women may be distracting for the men. Also, many orthodox men and women do not touch members of the opposite sex outside of their family, so I would imagine that sitting separately decreases that risk.
As far as the reception goes, many ultra-orthodox men will not watch a woman dancing. Therefore, if there are separate sides of the room, the women sit and dance on one side, and the men on the other with a temporary wall or something separating them.
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| Posted 5/23/12 9:40 AM |
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Tulips915
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Member since 8/08 6851 total posts
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by leighdvm
What is the reasoning behind seperating the men and women during orthodox weddings? Even if couples are married? I'm truly curious, never been to one.
The reason for the partition between men and women is the issue of modesty. You must have seen the energetic, happy dancing on both sides of the partition. Dancing together and even watching the dancing of someone of the opposite gender is not considered modest. This might sound somewhat strange in today's time when there doesn't seem to be any barriers between men and women, but the partition at the wedding, at the synagogue and at other occasions helps to preserve and safeguard a limited and therefore special connection between the genders. If we preserve the space and boundary between men and women we can cherish our times of closeness all the more, in the relationships where the closeness is permitted. In other words, a man who is not permitted to see another woman dance, sing or with arms or legs uncovered, will not become desensitized to a woman's sensuality and appreciate and be attracted to his wife all the more without any kind of distractions.
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| Posted 5/23/12 9:41 AM |
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leighdvm
My golden boys!
Member since 3/06 4419 total posts
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Michele
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Thanks for explaining it, Sandy! 
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| Posted 5/23/12 9:48 AM |
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MrsRapz
mahna mahna!
Member since 2/12 1952 total posts
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Re: Can anyone talk to me about Conservative/Orthodox Jewish weddings?
Posted by FreeButterfly
Posted by MrsRapz
-- the food was AWFUL since it had to be fully kosher
not all kosher food is AWFUL. It could have just been the place the wedding was held.
you're right - i have also had some pretty good kosher food but in my experience, most of it was not so great.
sorry if i offended anyone by implying that all kosher food is horrible 
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| Posted 5/23/12 9:59 AM |
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