cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

so my inlaws are a mess.

SIL is 28, 3 kids. Not married to their father, who has 5 or 6 kids previously from other women.

SIL has bounced from job to job. Apt to apt...kicked out of many relative's homes.

She doesn't drink, no drugs...just out of it, lazy, liar.

2 years ago, we get a call...needs 1500 or she is evicted. We felt terrible for the kids...she promised us the next check she gets will be sent to us...we never heard from her again.

I still send the boy's reciepts that I purchased savings bonds for them. WE basically put on Christmas for them this year.

I send packages throughout the year for the kids.

I had not talked to her in a very long time. She called to say thanks for the stuff...and that she was preggo with #3.

She gets so much gov't help, its unreal.
She worked at her kids daycare center, till she went out on maternity.

Her baby is 4 months old, hasn't gone back to work...they let go of her spot.

June 30th...get a call, she is crying to LEo that they will be evicted in the AM unless she gets 750.00. ITs a sick feeling. We just get by. We have savings that we seriously never touch. She can't go to another shelter, she was already kicked out of 2 this past year.

Leo sends the money...she says her stimulus check is coming July 4th.

We get 300 in the mail. Then, nothing. She got a new cell phone with a new number. Leo got it from his brother, calls...she says she doesn't have the money to pay us back. that's it.

It did not work last time, cutting her out. We feel for the kids. We can't afford to send her money though, and why should we?

any insight? tia

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in the position. You have tried to help - you can't continue like that. It's not fair to you and you're family.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

Cut your losses and go bye bye. You wouldn't treat anyone like that, so why should you be treated like that.

Tough love, just say no.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

do we stop talking to the kids?

its so hard, earlier in the month I posted how I was physically ill and stressed over inlaws. This was a huge part of it.

Seriously, the 750 hurt. We aren't cc people and had to cash a credit card check to send her the money...in hopes that she really would send it back.

now, I have to go into my savings to payoff the remaining 450.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

I would say d not give her another penny, you can still be there for the kids but jsut not financially.

YOu will be amazed when she realized that she cannot tug at your heart strings anymore she will stop asking and go try the same lines on someone else.

I think the savings bonds forthe ikds are a great idea.

hang in ther, I'm sure its not easy to deal with

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

that must be so frustrating...but in a way you are an enableler. She knows that if she is in a jam you will bail her out so why try so hard.....SHe might need some tough love and next time you need to say know so she knows she needs to get her act together.

It's sad for the kids, but you can't keep helping her to continue this cycle!

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

that's what is so bad though. she has been evicted before and lived in horrible places. nothing clicks with her.

I feel like we have to cut the kids out too...its too much stress thinking about the lives they live.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

Where are LEO'S parents in this??? You and Leo are NOT her mom and dad. You have a baby, you work, you take care of your responsibilities. Please do not enable her...as some other posters say...she needs to put on her big girl panties and fix this herself or it will never change.

I understand you wanting to take care of the boys. I think you getting savings bonds for them is AWESOME!!! I think that if you really want to help them out, find an alternative. Set up savings accounts for the boys, buy them school supplies, things that won't allow her to find a way of spenind your hard earned money.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh and I think you are amazing for putting up with what you have put up with. I come from experience. I was the 'bank' to a family member. Yes, they paid me back, but it took a long time and trust me, it ****** me off seeing my hard working hours being spent on beer. You and Leo are too good to be taken advantage of like this. And if anyone has a problem, tell them to shove it! You have a beautiful little boy of your own who has to come first. And if they STILL have a problem, they can come to me.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

That sounds like a horrible situation. I would feel bad for the kids too. Honestly I think all you can do is be there for the kids if they need you, but let her know she IS CUT OFF......and never to ask again. Hopefully she won't but it doesn't sound like she learns

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

Awww, Janice, you are such a good, sweet soul. I HATE that she is taking advantage of you and Leo

I feel for the kids as well. I wish this was a black and white situation, like it was just her, then it would be so much easier to tell her to go scratch.

I'd try to send the kids care packages and savings bonds, but do to her like she does to you, don't answer her phone calls. Tell Leo the same.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

As long as you keep sending her money each time that she calls claiming she needs it, she is not going to get her act together.

I highly suggest that the next time you speak to her you make it crystal clear that you will no longer be able to help financial, however, you will be there for the children in any other way possible.

It terrifies me to think of how the children are being raised in a situation like this and trust me they need strong individuals like yourself. Please try your best to be there for the children, even if you cant financially.

Best of luck

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

thanks for reading it.

the parents are a mess. FIL lives with his mother, just filed bankruptcy.

MIL...she is a mess too...she owes us thousands.

Not ever speaking to her ever again should work if we never answer the phone. Shelters won't take her anymore...so she doesn't have anywhere left.

But it can't be our issue anymore.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

don't give her another DIME. I know its hard...but you are enabling her each time she sobs. You can't be giving her money that you just DO NOT have to give. I know its harsh--but she has to deal with her mistakes and decisions. Its tough when kids are involved...but in the end you have to worry about your family first.

Its a crap situation....my ILs are terrible with money and live completely off the government & welfare---and used to live off of DH all the time. Until I put my foot down and told him that they will figure it out if he doesn't give them money. It took some time--but he's learned to say no as well.

I'm sorry that your heart is breaking for the kids--but she is using them to pull at your heart strings and get what she wants. Don't let her do it a moment longer.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

Take her *** to court....period

sorry you are going through this

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

Having been in a different situation but with a few similarities, DH and I chose not to cut them out of our lives, but we won't send/give money. We still buy things for the children (things they need, and that we can afford) for Christmas or birthdays, but we will not help their parents financially. It's hard to say no, especially when you know what may happen as a consequence, but sometimes it's what you have to do. Good luck.. sorry you're dealing with this

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

What a horrible situation they have put you in
Dont disconnect from the kids. Be there, Be strong, Be helpful but she needs to support her children...not you.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

she got one chance already-

You can still interact with the kids, and do birthday/holiday gifts, but there is no reason to go all out or loan her money.
Its sad, but in the same time by continuing she is enabled and doesnt learn to stand on her own two feet.

- We have a niece and nephew and in the begining i went crazy buying stuff for no reason when I saw it. Eventually dh and I talked when reviewing the budget and I realized that it added up. I realized if I didnt cut back that was money that I wouldnt have for my own future kids. The line has to be drawn, as tough as it is.

Continue to offer as much of your self or your time as you need, but explain you cant just afford to give her money.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

Damn Janice, im sorry to hear about this, you need to cut her out completely, she needs to hit rock bottom first, she wont take responsibility for her actions until you guys dont help her anymore, in this care your family's well being is more important, she cant be your problem anymore

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

While it's not exactly the same we are going through similar things with my mom and her being irresponsible with money. We have bailed her out and moved her out here only to watch her become irresponsible again. She is on a very fixed income and decided to get credit cards. Need I say more.

It is SO hard when it's family and I'm sure even harder when kids are involved but she needs to hit bottom and find a way to stand on her own two feet. You and your DH work hard to save money and not be in debt. There is no reason for you to get in over your heads for someone who isn't doing the right thing.

FM me if you need to vent. I totally understand how hard it is emotionally.

Re: cutting family out due to money...ughhhh

i'm sorry you were put in this position