devistated *bump* *bump - wish me luck!!

So on wednesday i went in for my 20 wk sono with the most horrifing feeling ever...and low and behold the baby's heartbeat stopped at what they think was two to three weeks ago based on the baby's size. I still cant believe i am writing this right now as i am in complete dismay. my mom and i were actually going to start lookign at places to hold my shower right after that! i just started my registry recently and everything and bough shower cards (my bf's bridal shower is in feb and we were going to tell her it was my baby shower so i had to start).
i had a d&e this morning (not d&c bc the baby was past first trimester - dont know what the real difference is). the worst part is the cramping i am feeling on and off...i just had to take two motrin...i may end up taking one of my husbands pain pills!
One second i am hysterical and the next dealing...my husband just had major surgery two weeks ago and cant sleep in bed with me cause its too high for him to get in so i am sitting here crying my eyes out trying not to wake him. He has been so good and this was actually the first time i seen him cry his eyes out! he just feels bad cause he is not the most mobile at this point so i dont want to make him feel worse by listening to me cry.
The doctor was awesome. it wasnt my regular ob because he doesnt do those procedures often so he sent me to a specialist. they advised me to do the gentic testing but they said that they werent sure if they would be able to regrow the cells cause it has been inside of me not alive for two to three weeks. he had to do a sono before the procedure and asked if i wanted to see. so i kicked everyone out of the room - even the nurses so he can just show me and explain it to me...like what maybe could have gone wrong. weird thingis my placenta was in tact thats why i wasnt bleeding.
i was preg in feb and i had had an ectopic preg in april - i was 8 weeks. i ended up getting preg without planning it in august - literally when the doc said it was ok...i got knocked up. now this. they say one thing doesnt have to do with another.
im just so confused and sad and in a dream like state. and the worst part is that this time i have to look everyone who doesnt knwo what happened in the face when they ask how i am feeling and tell them.."i lost the baby" last time no one knew cause it was too early so i was able to deal with it with my husband and move on...
i guess i am venting and just need some support from people who are going through or have gone through this or something similar. any words will help :(

*** so i just spoke with my doc this morning and we were talking and he was telling me that whenever i am emotionally ready - after i get my af - i can get back on the banwagon...is this true??? i know i have heard of people getting preg afterwards, but arent you supposed to wait a little while???

*****i ended up in my docs office yesterday cause i am not feeling well...lightheaded, out of it, no concentration, and this weird fear feeling - like i woke up and just didnt want to go to work!!!(not that my work is the greatest place to be at) it freaks me out a little...and he said EVERY symptom i have is anxiety and depression (obv from my situation) and it should pass...but if not we can talk further about meds...did anyone have this or go through this??? i do suffer from anxiety normally but not like this...

***Wish me luck! I have the doc tonight...hopefully he can tell me somehting...

Message edited 1/13/2011 1:26:47 PM.

Re: devistated

i am so sorry for your loss

Re: devistated

I'm so sorry

Re: devistated

OH wow.
I can't even... I don't even know what to say to you right now. I'm sorry doesn't even seem to cut it. I absolutely cannot imagine a loss at 20 weeks. It's beyond comprehension to me... I had one at 10 weeks and I was devastated. My heart literally breaks for you. I feel soo terrible for what you had to go through.
Please feel free to vent here all you need to. This board is a really great support system.... and if anyone does understand what you are going through.... we do. There are some girls who had losses around the same time as you on this board too.

I'm soo sorry... I can't even say that enough.
Take your time to heal... if you don't want to even tell the world just yet.. then wait until you are ready. You should really take whatever time you need.

Re: devistated

Also wanted to say that... I had the genetic testing done for a missed miscarriage... baby died a week prior to my appt.

I also experienced INTENSE cramping and pain for 10 full days following my D&C. it was really severe pain... they gave me no pain meds either.... I could barely walk at times...

Re: devistated

I am truely so very sorry hun.
I am prayng for you!

Re: devistated

i'm seriously wanting to cry reading your post. i am so so sorry. i can't even imagine.

i hope she doesn't mind me saying this and i'm sure she'll see your post at some point but please reach out to Pennycat. she went through something similar and she's so sweet and helpful.

my prayers are with you and your DH. i lost a pregnancy last year at 12 weeks and it was devastating. it took me a lot of time to get through the emotional pain but there is light at the end of the tunnel. for now though, take care of yourself, let yourself grieve, cry as much as you need to and please lean on the women on this board whenever you need. everybody here is amazing

Re: devistated

I am SOOO Beyond sorry about what you are going through. I can't even imagine having a loss at 20 weeks. I had a loss at 12 weeks and I thought that was the worse thing that could have happened. I can't say how sorry I am that this happened to you. Just want you to kinow that if you ever need to talk or vent or anything I'm here.
Lot's of to you and your DH. I know that when it happened to me I cried off and on but for the most part I was okay. It didn't really hit me until 2 months later and that is when I really lost it. ALL your feelings are normal and you will have your days. I wish you the very best and again SOOO SORRY!

Re: devistated

Re: devistated

thank you girls so much! i just am so sorry for everyone here that went through this...the sadness is just unbearable!

Re: devistated

OMG, i am so incredibly sorry!!

Re: devistated

Re: devistated

I am so deeply sorry for your loss I cannot even imagine the grief you are feeling after carrying the baby for 20 weeks. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

Re: devistated

i am so so so sorry....i can relate a little b/c i had a missed miscarriage and at the 9 week sonogram there was no heartbeat for us either. i too had a not so great feeling before the sonogram but everyone kept telling me to stop being so nervous (DH and my Mom). my DH and Mom were in the room with me during the sono and it is something none of us will ever forget

i was devastated and so was my husband. i'm not going to sugarcoat anything - it felt like our hearts were ripped from our chests and even now a month later it still feels like something is missing but with time it IS getting better.

at 9 weeks the bond i had with our baby was incredible. i'm sure as the weeks go on you feel that bond grow more and more. i can't know exactly how you are feeling right now since you made it further into your pregnacy than i did but i do know how horrible it is to lose something you loved and wanted so badly. to feel an incredible loss. to wonder why it happened. to worry about the future.

like the other girl said, penny is an amazingly strong and brave woman and she will be able to help you i am sure. she can relate better than a lot of us on here can and honestly she inspires me b/c i watched her make it through the last few months and that has helped me - just to see her progress, how strong she has been. so make sure you speak with her

i am so sorry. so many girls FM'd me after my loss with their stories and it helped SO much to read them. my DH even read them with me. just know you aren't alone in this. and if you ever want to let it out feel free to FM me - i've been through feelings grief, sadness, anger, jealously, sleepless nights all of it.

i also wanted to add that i had genetics testing done. i know they were growing the chromosomes this week so whatever was sent to the lab must have been viable enough to grow and i should get my results soon.

last thing i wanted to say is do not worry about what other people are going to think, or how you are going to tell them etc. just let your family and friends be there for you. let them love you and help you through it. only a few people know about my loss and sometimes i think it would be easier if everyone knew. i've gotten a few comments since - mostly people asking when we are going to have a baby and it hurts knowing that i was pregnant a few weeks ago and these people have no clue. you will have a huge support system to help you through

again i am so sorry and i will be thinking of you and your family

Re: devistated

I am not naive enough to believe that I know how you feel, because I don't. I can't even imagine. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you! My heart is literally breaking for you. I hope you find peace and healing soon

Re: devistated

Re: devistated

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you and your DH must be going through. No words can make you feel better, but know that we are all here for you as you go through this horrible ordeal. I am so very sorry

Re: devistated

so sorry

Re: devistated

thank you girls so much...it means the world!

Re: devistated

oh my god im so sorry

Re: devistated

First off, I am so sorry for your loss. Its a terrible thing to go through! I had a loss at 19 weeks about a year and a half ago, and it is very traumatic. Just think positively and good things will happen!

I don't know if this helps at all, but exactly a year after my loss, I had a beautiful baby girl.

Re: devistated

Posted by yankinmanc

I don't know if this helps at all, but exactly a year after my loss, I had a beautiful baby girl.

Re: devistated

I am sorry for your loss

Re: devistated

I'm so sorry.

Re: devistated

I am so sorry! I have had two m/c at 8.5 weeks and know that my bond with the babies was so strong. I can only imagine at 20 weeks. After my first m/c, I conceived a beautiful who is now 2.5 and perfectly healthy. I've since had another m/c. I don't know why this happens, but I try to stay positive knowing this happened before and I then had my . I just want you to know that we're all here for you on this board. Wishing you a healthy 2011 - for the months ahead!