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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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DH is being totally unreasonable
I'm on day 2 of fighting with DH over something SO stupid! One of my closest friends is getting married in June and I'm a bridesmaid. She already told me that it's a no children/babies wedding, so I was going to have my mother watch our baby who will be 9 months at that time, for the weekend. It's an out-of-town wedding... she expects me to stay from Fri-Sun for the rehearsal dinner, ceremony, reception and morning brunch.
Thing is, DH is Israeli, and over there it's virtually unheard of, rude, and unacceptable to not invite children/babies, especially for close family and friends. He's taking it really personally and wants to boycott her wedding. I told him that if he really feels that strongly about it he can stay home, but because she's a close friend, I'm still going, especially because I'm in the bridal party. Now he's saying that by doing that I'm prioritizing her over my family and new baby...
How the hell do you reason with THAT? This is really the last thing I need in the last week of my pregnancy 
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Posted 9/18/05 12:38 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
jcndd
The man of my dreams...
Member since 5/05 1706 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
OH no - this is coming up again.... How about if your mother traveled w/ you and you took the baby? Would he go for that? Then at least you'll all still be together but your mother can watch the baby during the wedding...
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| Posted 9/18/05 12:39 PM |
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MommyofG
just the girls
Member since 5/05 9461 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Im so sorry You are going through this right now!!!!!!! This is tough. I totally understand where you are coming from. Perhaps in 9 months after the baby is around he will agree to take the time "off" a needed vacation, away from everything- I know my g/f's have said as much as you love your baby and want to be there all the time you def need you time and to go away for a mini weekend- Hopefully he will come around. If not, its a tough call b/c he and the baby are your family the ones you will be with all the time, and your friend Im sure will understand if you cant do it- there is plenty of time for her to get someone else, no? . Who knows maybe you wont want to leave the baby either? GL in your decision.
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| Posted 9/18/05 12:44 PM |
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Diane
Hope is Contagious....catch it
Member since 5/05 30683 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Im sorry. Maybe if you try to tell him that "Let's enjoy outselves at this wedding".
I know we had no kids at our wedding, but they were excited to leave the kids at home and enjoy themselves and not have to babysitt them all night.
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| Posted 9/18/05 12:51 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Posted by jcndd
OH no - this is coming up again.... How about if your mother traveled w/ you and you took the baby? Would he go for that? Then at least you'll all still be together but your mother can watch the baby during the wedding...
Nope, I'm sure he won't because in his mind, it's the principle involved. She really is one of my closest friends, and she's become quite close with DH and vice versa, so he's so offended that she wouldn't want to celebrate with me, him and our new baby, even if bringing a 9 month old doesn't exactly make sense. I hear what he's saying, but at the same time, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding and was totally there for me. I can't just drop her for her important day just because DH is taking it personally that she doesn't want us to bring the baby.
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| Posted 9/18/05 12:55 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Hopefully he'll change his mind when the time comes...
I know Ryan says the most stupid unheard of things about things for after baby arrives...sometimes it really annoys me... But I keep saying to myself...he'll relax after the little one is here...
I def. think you should go...and I think you are gonna wanna go as well... Hopefully he'll come around when the time comes!
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| Posted 9/18/05 1:16 PM |
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monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
I think since its months away and like you said it's the last thing you need right now you and DH should agree to disagree for now and put this debate on the back burner until the baby comes. Maybe once he sees how hard it will be to have a 9 month old at a wedding he'll understand better.
You definitely need TLC right now not a debate.
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| Posted 9/18/05 1:30 PM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
I definitely think he is being unreasonable. Since you are not both Israeli (I'm assuming) he has to learn to deal with some of your customs as well. That's the way he has to look at this, rather than taking it personally. Better that he look at it as an American custom than a personal insult on him by your firend.
Then you can ask is he always going to expect you and your family and friends to bend for his customs and he's never going to bend for them?
It's definitely a tough situation but I can tell he's taking it personally and your friend is not meaning it that way.
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| Posted 9/18/05 1:42 PM |
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WoodIAm
My Boys!
Member since 5/05 5498 total posts
Name:
JoAnne
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Posted by monkeybride
I think since its months away and like you said it's the last thing you need right now you and DH should agree to disagree for now and put this debate on the back burner until the baby comes. Maybe once he sees how hard it will be to have a 9 month old at a wedding he'll understand better.
You definitely need TLC right now not a debate.
Good advice. I'm sure it's frustrationg for you, but try and put it off for now. Or...Put him on here and we'll take care of the debate for you 
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| Posted 9/18/05 1:50 PM |
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Bri
I Love You to Pieces!
Member since 5/05 9919 total posts
Name:
Brianne
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
I agree with your Husband when it comes to immediate family, but not friends- not even close ones. But in al honesty if he is this upset by it, odds are he may make your time miserable anyway, so I would probably tell him to stay home or to take the trip with you and not attend.
Message edited 9/18/2005 1:52:18 PM.
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| Posted 9/18/05 1:51 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Posted by WoodIAm
Good advice. I'm sure it's frustrationg for you, but try and put it off for now. Or...Put him on here and we'll take care of the debate for you
 That would be INTERESTING, to say the least! Guess I should've known I was in for some of these clashes by marrying someone who isn't American. Talk about culture clashes!
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| Posted 9/18/05 2:01 PM |
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suvenR
designer mutt
Member since 5/05 4239 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Did you agree to all of this prior to getting PG? If so, just try telling him that it has nothing to do with priorities at all- it's a commitment that you made and you have to honor it.
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| Posted 9/18/05 2:08 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Posted by suvenR
Did you agree to all of this prior to getting PG? If so, just try telling him that it has nothing to do with priorities at all- it's a commitment that you made and you have to honor it.
Unfortunately, no. I was about 6 months pregnant when she got engaged. I was part of the proposal, actually - I chauffered her around to pick up little clues and eventually dropped her off at a park where he proposed to her. During the ride, she started hinting about the baby thing and mentioned that she would hire a babysitter to watch kids/babies (but I really don't feel comfortable leaving a 9 month old with a total stranger). So, I've known it's been an issue from the start. She's not even allowing her nephew (her sister's son) to attend, and they're flying in from OOT from Chicago. Actually, part of this is all my fault because I was ranting to DH a few weeks ago about how she's turned into a bridezilla because she just found out her sister is pregnant again and due in April and is FURIOUS with her sister because now the focus isn't on her wedding...
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| Posted 9/18/05 2:25 PM |
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suvenR
designer mutt
Member since 5/05 4239 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
when all else fails, I use 1 of two last resorts:
1. cry and beg DH to just do this or that or whatever (usually involves issues with friends or family)
2. scream and tell him that this is way it must be done and I refuse to speak about it anymore (this is usually only for house cleaning, chores, decorating...)
ets: real healthy, huh?  I guess it's just my way of conveying that I can't fight about it anymore and it's very important to me
Message edited 9/18/2005 2:38:45 PM.
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| Posted 9/18/05 2:37 PM |
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DjPiLL
Member since 5/05 3664 total posts
Name:
Richard
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
If he doesn't want to go... then just go on your own.
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| Posted 9/18/05 2:43 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Posted by DjPiLL
If he doesn't want to go... then just go on your own.
I don't have a problem wit this, and that's what I offered... but now he's mad at me because his view is that if I DO go, I'm prioritizing my friend over him and my baby. It's getting me upset because either way, now I have 2 people mad at me. My husband because I'm not backing him up on something that's very important to him, and my friend because she's going to be devastated that he's not coming.
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| Posted 9/18/05 3:04 PM |
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suvenR
designer mutt
Member since 5/05 4239 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
well, one important thing to consider is that your husband has absolutely no right whatsoever to try to force your friend to allow a baby at her wedding. So, there isn't anything that you should be backing him up about.
That's what I would tell my DH. I'd also remind him about some of the wedding drama that we had to go through and ask him if he really feels comfortable creating wedding drama for someone else- knowing how hurt we were when it happened to us.
Message edited 9/18/2005 3:08:16 PM.
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| Posted 9/18/05 3:07 PM |
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btrflygrl
me and baby #3!
Member since 5/05 12013 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
oh Beth, I'm SO sorry! It's such a tough position to be in! We have 2 weddings when our ladybug will be just 3 months old, both out of town. I think I'm sending DH to one alone, the other I *think* babies are ok.
What about hiring someone to come with you and stay in the room with the baby while you are at the wedding?
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| Posted 9/18/05 6:17 PM |
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MrsJ
I love my Katie Bug
Member since 5/05 11357 total posts
Name:
Kathy
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Posted by jcndd
OH no - this is coming up again.... How about if your mother traveled w/ you and you took the baby? Would he go for that? Then at least you'll all still be together but your mother can watch the baby during the wedding...
This sounds like a great idea to me!!
ETA: oh I Just saw that your DH wouldnt go for this. Its hard to ask you top be away from the baby for that long. Maybe you will have to miss the dinner/brunch?
Message edited 9/18/2005 6:24:26 PM.
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| Posted 9/18/05 6:20 PM |
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dengal
Dad of Twins
Member since 5/05 1385 total posts
Name:
The 80's Man
Let's Go Mets!
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Posted by Bxgell2
Posted by DjPiLL
If he doesn't want to go... then just go on your own.
I don't have a problem wit this, and that's what I offered... but now he's mad at me because his view is that if I DO go, I'm prioritizing my friend over him and my baby. It's getting me upset because either way, now I have 2 people mad at me. My husband because I'm not backing him up on something that's very important to him, and my friend because she's going to be devastated that he's not coming.
I agree with DJ - if he doesn't want to go, let him stay home. If your friend is going to be devasted, perhaps the three of you could sit down and talk about it - in a calm manner. Maybe he'll see your friend's point of view on things.
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| Posted 9/18/05 10:23 PM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Posted by Bxgell2
Posted by DjPiLL
If he doesn't want to go... then just go on your own.
I don't have a problem wit this, and that's what I offered... but now he's mad at me because his view is that if I DO go, I'm prioritizing my friend over him and my baby. It's getting me upset because either way, now I have 2 people mad at me. My husband because I'm not backing him up on something that's very important to him, and my friend because she's going to be devastated that he's not coming.
Sorry, but I think your DH is being a little ridiculous. I think he has a right to express his objection to this and choose to stay home, but I think it is unfair to say that by you going, you are not committed to your family. I would just go without him, but I think I might skip some of the events, so I wouldn't be gone as long. I would also simply tell the bride that you are not comfortable leaving the baby with a sitter just yet, so he is with his dad. If the bride can't understand that it is tough for you to be away from a 9 month old child for that long, she is being a bridezilla.
Message edited 9/19/2005 10:00:46 AM.
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| Posted 9/19/05 9:59 AM |
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QuoteTheRaven424
22 Months?!!!!
Member since 5/05 13659 total posts
Name:
And If That Isn't A True Blue Miracle
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
i totally see your husband's point of view and if it's something that is THAT important to him, as his wife, you should back him up on it
IMO
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| Posted 9/19/05 10:08 AM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
Posted by CaptainCharisma424
i totally see your husband's point of view and if it's something that is THAT important to him, as his wife, you should back him up on it
IMO
I agree. I think that you have tried your best, but to have an ongoing argument about one day in your life that is months ahead, seems unnecessary. I do totally see your point, but if my DH was that dead set in his ways, I would surrender the fight. It is not worth it. I hope all works out
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| Posted 9/19/05 10:10 AM |
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LadyMaravilla
Fall Is Here
Member since 5/05 12023 total posts
Name:
Sonia
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
I understand about him feeling offended that the baby won't e going, but there are certain things that kids just can't be there for. It's not like she said "only your child can't come to our wedding" it applies to everyone. I would put off that issue for now and worry about the issue at ahbd which is your pregnancy. Maybe he will change his mind later on. Maybe just go without him, or will he be more upset if you do that? Good luck and keep us posted on any updates.
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| Posted 9/19/05 10:11 AM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH is being totally unreasonable
My DH is also Israeli (as are my parents)- have you ever been to an Israeli wedding? Its a madhouse. There are only about 50 seats for 400+ people, people are talking and eating during the wedding. There are many special things about Israeli weddings, but there are some traditions I can live without.
Anyway, as to your situation, I would explain to DH that this is the way it is. It has nothing to do with prioritizing something over your baby. This is the way it is. Explain that you have a long history with this girl, and it is important that you be at her wedding- and that has nothing to do with your devotion to your child. You have to respect her wishes, the way you would expect her to respect yours. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to come. It is different here and he has to accept it. He CHOSE to live here, he CHOSE to marry an American, and he has to accept some of the traditions. This is not a snub at your child personally, I am sure she is concerned about a baby crying during the ceremony or something...
As a last resort, I would talk to your friend. Explain that Dh is not comfortable coming without the baby. Ask if it would be OK if you could bring the baby, but DH would be outside with the baby during the ceremony. Tell her that you will defer to her, but if you are such close friends, it should be OK to ask. You can let her know that DH feels strongly about this and you are fighting over it, and you don't want to be fighting - especially during your pregnancy. A good friend would understand- she may not change her mind, but she will understand you need to ask.
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| Posted 9/19/05 10:13 AM |
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