DH issue...do you have this problem?

I have found that since DS was born DH will do just about anything to get out of watching him.....at this point I think he would elect to get root canal...

I joke, but in all seriousness, it's really wearing thin. Today was the proverbial straw when DH decided to stay home from work because, oh the poor baby, he didn't feel well.....
And then asks me what I think it is....but when I couldn't walk or even lift my arms because I had such horrible body aches and a fever, did anyone take over night feedings for me? No

So, I really don't know what to say or do. DH's life hasn't changed all that much, and I am beginning to feel like a single parent here.....

In addition to FT work, DH is a musician, so he's playing just about every weekend, goes to darts on Wednesday nights, and here I am, not back to work yet, just got to the gym today, and feeling like all this responsibility is squarely on MY shoulders only....
He also has the nerve to think that I sit home on my a$$ all day while he works, and not only do I have to pick up after a dog and an ifant, but he can'e keep his sh!t out from under my feet....

And do you think he would make the friggin bed when he got out of it? Of course not......single track mind has NO IDEA how to multitask.......is that a man thing or just my DH?


Oh advice please!!!!!

ETA
And then he has the nerve to say that all the things needed to be done in the house will never get done because he has a baby who likes to be held......ummmm noooooo, it's because you are never home!!!!

Message edited 2/27/2008 2:37:39 PM.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

It's a male trait. I could've written this myself.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Posted by waterspout4


It's a male trait. I could've written this myself.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

totally agree its a male thing

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

I was in your position in the past...I really dont know what it is with them. Or why they dont think these kids are in any way their responsibility!!!! Honestly just short of hitting DH over the head with a 2X4 what you need to do is basically just leave one day...I dont mean him..I mean leave him with the baby. Dont give him a choice just up and go out..leaving him to manage on his own..it should make an impact...Hopefully he will finally get the picture!!!

I could always have my DH talk to him!!!! Maybe he can set him straight!!!! I swear my DH should write a book..when it comes to Daddys and babies he's awesome!!!

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

I could always have my DH talk to him!!!! Maybe he can set him straight!!!! I swear my DH should write a book..when it comes to Daddys and babies he's awesome!!!


I like the 2x4 option the best.....

I know that a big part of it is that you can't really do much with an infant, so when DS gets older, DH will be all over playing....which he loves to do with all of our friend's kids......

It makes me feel a smidge better that I'm not alone though....

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Im determined to make DH watch DS for two whoel days and I will only help"as much as he does" and have him UNDERSTAND. Im seriously trying to find a way to do this.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

I also think it is a male thing. I think when we have kids we as women have certain instincts about what needs to be done, how to care for a child etc. It's also called "Common Sense" Another trait the male species lacks.

Having a baby is a big adjustment for everyone, especially men. They are no longer the only "baby" in the house and I think some men have a hard time handling that.

Can you try talking to him in a non-confrontational way about how you feel? Explain to him that this is a big adjustment for you and that you work just as hard at home as he does at work?

If that fails, on a weekend that he is home, put the baby in his arms and tell him you are going out for the day or a couple of hours or what ever (don't give him prior warning). Leave him a list of things to do while you are gone.

When you come back and find that nothing on the list was done, ask why?

When he tells you it was too much to do, blah blah blah.... say see--it isn't easy is it!

Sometimes they need to experience it for themselves before they can truly understand.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Yes a male thing They don't get what it entails being home w/ a baby/toddler all day. They may take DC to play for a few minutes but always seem to hand them back the minute they start to fuss or say, must be time for them to eat...(umm, no).

Yes, I fully agree their lives haven't seemed to really change, except maybe to feel more financial responsibility...he doesn't have to worry about getting her ready to go out or thinking about when/how she has to eat when we're out or packing her diaper bag or worrying about her schedule or getting up w/ her if she gets up in the middle of the night.

It's just so frustrating though...I would LOVE to have him stay home w/ her for 1 day...one full day....yet that might not happen till she's 5!

Message edited 2/27/2008 2:52:35 PM.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

No, not at all! My husband just redeployed and he would pretty much give his right arm to be home with my 3 months old DD and 33 month old DS but he's gotta do what he's gotta do. He is barely home even when he is home because he is on trips and he may not ever wake up for the kids but he gives both of then 110% when he is around. He honestly treasures every moment with them.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

its a male trait... DS is almost 10 months old now, and DH has gotten so much better over the months... in the beginning it was zero experience with a newborn, and just plain fear. nowadays the issue i have is... i feel like hes a lil jealous that ds gets all of mommy's attention...
MEN they NEVER GROW UP!!

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

I could have written that. DH is so freakin helpless sometimes and I swear he can't multitask either... and to top it off, I'm an XBox widow...
Here's a prime example---

Yesterday he tells me that he'll take DD to daycare so I can sleep in a little, and he could go in late. Ok fine. That morning, I got up and started getting ready, wake him up. He says "Don't leave until after I take my shower". Ok, whatever... I took showers with just me and dd in the house just fine. So I tell him I have to leave in five minutes. He then proceeds to look for a pair of missing pants, look for a tie, tie the tie, look for socks, put his shoes on, and then tells me he still has to walk the dog. WTH??? Why he didn't just wake up, throw something on, take the dog out, and then have dd in her bouncy seat, or even her crib for goodness sakes, while he took a shower and got ready while I got to leave for work. So I ended up being late for work because I had to wait for him to do all this stuff that could have been done already.

Not to mention he does pretty much nothing around the house (dishes maybe once a week) and then complains of it being a mess. He says he's tired from work. Yeah, I work too, AND do all of the child care when we're home.

I've started just cleaning up my stuff, and leaving his behind. That way when he complains, it's all his mess, not mine.

Sorry for the rambling... you can see I needed to let that out.

Message edited 2/27/2008 2:56:59 PM.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

I sah, DH works a lot. In the beginning, I always threatened that one morning he would wake up and I would not be there. just a ton of pumped bottles and i would come home that night.

He lived in fear of this day.

Once Josh got older though, things got better. I do go out now and he stays home with josh.

the other day, we were going out of town that day for Leo's marathon. He was going to get his haircut.

as I was packing, cleaning, plus babysitting, I told him to take Josh along.

He looked at me like I was nuts. I said seriously, he will love watching you get your haircut.

Drama, drama, drama. Turns out, I forced him to take Josh. Josh was perfect.

If I am able to go to the gyno with Josh, surely a haircut isn't that bad.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

It's definitely not a genetic "male" thing. Have you ever seen a man with a car he loves? He will stay up all night to work on it, he'll wash it as soon as it gets dirty (often using cloth diapers, since they don't scratch the paint. ).

Men have a lot of capacity to care for things. I think most men are in the mindset that the mother takes care of the baby, and they have a hard time wrapping their minds around the fact that *parents* take care of the baby.

I think I do quite a bit for and with my DC, but even DW had to make a few comments to me once in a while about helping out some more. I immediately changed whatever I was doing wrong, and tried my best to help out as much as possible.

I agree about the "leaving DH with the kids" idea. As much as I knew that DW did to take care of DC, it never sinks in until you walk a mile in their shoes (sometimes literally, 6 feet at a time while you pace with DC at 3am to get them to sleep... ) Now that I've spent a lot of time watching DC, I understand what DW goes through, and how unbelievable hard it is sometimes.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Posted by dm24angel

Im determined to make DH watch DS for two whoel days and I will only help"as much as he does" and have him UNDERSTAND. Im seriously trying to find a way to do this.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Ugh, I'm sorry. My DH is actually really hands on when he's home.

When Sarah was an infant and I was preggo with Andy I got a double ear infection and bronchitis so I had to stay in bed for the entire weekend. He did everything for her. That really helped his confidence in his parenting skills.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Message edited 11/17/2011 6:55:42 PM.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

I did....and also because DH sees all this happen to his bro...who has 3 kids, one on the way and because he is the "bread" winner and only one who works...he does nothing! I mean NOTHING!

Basically I just kept letting him know that he was hurting me and not helping me and that he is the daddy too!

We talked about splitting up some things with house, things to do.
Fri he is off so he will watch DD and some mornings takes her to daycare.

Dh now cooks, helps with laundry, takes DD on Fri and sometimes Sat am when Im work......and Im thankful I got this far because I see how stressful it is when you dont get the help.

I hope you can talk to him and get some results.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Gina, my DH is a great man, BUT when it came to the little baby, especially at the beginning, DH was scared to hold him, to change him, etc....and he didn't tell me about this until recently. But I have to tell you that it does get better. As my son gets bigger ( ) my husband is much more confident in handling him. He even gave him a bath and put him to sleep the other day when I had an evening out with the girls. Overall, he is great...picks him up from mom's and my SIL's and takes care of him until I get home, but still the majority of time I take care of him...and you should see how my son looks for him...its amazing. It'll get better...give it some time

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Oh do i remember this when I was on maternity leave with DS. DH expected me to do all of the cleaning, cooking, pay bills etc. I used to tell him all the time, "My momma didnt raise no maid". So on that note I was not about to wash al the dishes by the tiem he got home or cook him dinner every night. You have to tell him how you feel. But try to say it in a way that will make him think about how hard you work and how much energy it takes to take care of a child all day.

Another suggestion is to leave him home with DS for one day and you go out. See if he can get all of the cleaning done, make the beds etc.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

It'll get better...give it some time


Thank you, I hope so.....

It definitely stems from me having an amazing pregnancy and childbirth....so Iguess mybe DH thinks I am Superwoman......which I AM, but some help is nice and necessary too!!

I guess I can segue the "help" convo when we have the "I'm going back to work" convo......

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

Message edited 2/27/2008 3:26:47 PM.

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

You are NOT alone. DH does the same thing to me. And since I am back to work, he still has the balls to come home a take a nap (he gets home around 3). He's actually napping right now. I tell him I need a nap, since I was up with the baby last night and got up the same time that he did. He says that I can take a nap since the baby is sleeping. Well, guess what, she only sleeps for 40 minutes at a time and has already woken up. And who gets to sleep??? HIM!!!!!

We are in a generation where the DH's want their cake and eat it too. I somehow got roped into full on baby duty and am working. How did I let this happen????

Re: DH issue...do you have this problem?

My husband was always good with the baby - but he in no way did even 1/4 of all the things I did with him. In the beginning it would get very frustrating. Now, that Jack is older and can interact more with DH I notice that he LOVES doing things with him (whether he's feeding him - or changing his diaper)

It did get much better for me - I hope it does for you also.

But, really - the bottom line is - men really don't have any clue what we as mothers do on a daily basis.