| Posted By |
Message |
hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
|
Divorced Parent Question...
My DH and I each have children from previous relationships. Overall our blended family has gone over quite smoothly. My ex and I are 6 years out so we have things a bit more in order than my DH and his ex....
Here is the question.
Please correct me if Im wrong...
Is it so unreasonable for his 9 year old daughter to call and ask her father for permission, to go to a party, if it is her fathers weekend? She asks or rather tells her mother about the party and the mother tells her she can go. The mother feels that the decision to go to the party she be up to the child!!!!
On most occassions my DH would be happy to let her go to the party but on some occassions our plans have been ruined b/c of this type of thing...we are usually notified only a few days in advance with an "oh by the way.." type of thing...
This child has not been here for a full weekend since APRIL and her mom just keeps allowing her to make plans on her fathers weekends without any consultaion...its getting ridiculous.
ADDED: Thank you everyone...I just wanted to stress that My DH understands that his daughter would want to go to a party and see her friends. He just feels that he should be consulted prior to the RSVP. There have been several occassions where unfortunately he would of had to say no to her b/c of a previous committment..IE: her grandparents coming from out of state to visit, a birthday party of one of the other family members, a block party, and christmas gift exchange party...These events were all scheduled on my DH weekends so all the children would be included...Please also understand that I have 3 children of my own 13, 8 & 8..when they are invited to a party or have a school function that falls on their fathers time they must consult with him first. We (ex and I) then discuss the invite together and come up with a solution (how is who getting where etc..)
Message edited 6/14/2007 9:09:35 AM.
|
Posted 6/14/07 8:02 AM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
|
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
I think it should at the discression of your DH since he is the primary care giver at that particular time. It isn't fair to him since he probably gets every other weekend and she is with friends since April. I think he should speak to his ex and his child in a civilized way.
My parents were serperated/divorced for 5 years before they married each other again and I was already 18 when it happened but my brothers and sisters knew to ask my dad if they could do something with their friends when he had them.
|
| Posted 6/14/07 8:10 AM |
| |
|
maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
Posted by hbugalla
My DH and I each have children from previous relationships. Overall our blended family has gone over quite smoothly. My ex and I are 6 years out so we have things a bit more in order than my DH and his ex....
Here is the question.
Please correct me if Im wrong...
Is it so unreasonable for his 9 year old daughter to call and ask her father for permission, to go to a party, if it is her fathers weekend? She asks or rather tells her mother about the party and the mother tells her she can go. The mother feels that the decision to go to the party she be up to the child!!!!
On most occassions my DH would be happy to let her go to the party but on some occassions our plans have been ruined b/c of this type of thing...we are usually notified only a few days in advance with an "oh by the way.." type of thing...
This child has not been here for a full weekend since APRIL and her mom just keeps allowing her to make plans on her fathers weekends without any consultaion...its getting ridiculous.
This is a very hard situation. I am from a divorced family, and I've seen my little sisters go through a lot because of it.
For example...when my sisters were around 11/12, there would always be last minute get togethers or parties with their friends. They would say they would be there and then tell my dad...he would get upset sometimes or place blame on my mother....but think about it: You are a young girl, everyone is having parties, going to the movies etc. and you don't want to miss it.
It's just hard to be in that position when you're young. You don't want to hurt your mom, your dad etc...but you also want to be with your friends and not "miss out".
I do think you deserve notification and something needs to be worked out-some kind of rule that if plans aren't made by say Wednesday, it is understood she is coming with you guys wherever it may be you have plans. I know this doesn't fully answer your question, but it must be difficult for a 9 year old girl to feel she must be in a few diff. places.
|
| Posted 6/14/07 8:13 AM |
| |
|
|
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
I think that DH should talk to his daughter & see why she doesnt want to come to visit. Maybe she is upset about something.
|
| Posted 6/14/07 8:16 AM |
| |
|
hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
Posted by KerriSteve
I think that DH should talk to his daughter & see why she doesnt want to come to visit. Maybe she is upset about something.
Thank you...in a way that would be an easier situation...BUT that's not it...she simply likes to spend her time with her friends. She spends most of her mother's weekends sleeping over her friends homes and sees nothing wrong with doing the same on her fathers weekends. In general we dont have a problem with the sleepovers my DH would just like to be consulted prior to the plans being made...
|
| Posted 6/14/07 8:24 AM |
| |
|
|
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
My parents have been divorced since I was 1 1/2. I went to my dad's every other weekend too. It wasn't until I got to be a teenager that I would give my mom a hard time about missing someting.
If the mom lets her go to the friend's party (at 9, how many parties could she have to go to????) then the following weekend the DD should come to you, not stay with mom. It won't kill her to miss seeing her friends that weekend she is supposed to come to your house.
|
| Posted 6/14/07 8:29 AM |
| |
|
pharmcat2000
Mom of 2 + 1
Member since 10/05 7395 total posts
Name:
Catherine
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
I think DH should tell his DD and his ex that he would like to be asked/notified of plans she is making on his weekends. If for nothing else, to make sure he can get her to where she wants to go, and to avoid conflicts in schedules.
|
| Posted 6/14/07 8:37 AM |
| |
|
MsG
Should be working
Member since 5/05 2824 total posts
Name:
G
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
If it's a party, it doesn't mean the whole weekend with her dad is missed, does it?
Personally, and I'm sure no one will agree with me, I feel that a child's life shouldn't have to change that much b/c the parents decided to divorce. It's already a big change to adjust to, and I think it's not a lot to ask that parents be flexible in their scheduling.
My parents divorced when I was 9, and my dad was awesome about taking me to see my friends on the weekends that he had me. He never made me feel guilty, and he got to know my friends too, which otherwise he may not have since he didn't live with me anymore.
I'm sure it's hard on your schedule, but she's a kid living two lives in a way. I think whatever can make her blend the two together would make for a happier kid. If it's something that she MUST attend, like a relative's birthday party or something, then say no. But if it's just a regular weekend and she wants to see her friends on a Saturday night, I don't see why she shouldn't.
I know this must be hard, I'm just offering my side of it, having lived through it with my parents. 
ETA: I re-read your post and see that what you want is for her to ask her dad's permission, which I think is totally reasonable, just that kid's plans sometimes aren't made in advance, so there might be a lot of last-minute requests.
Message edited 6/14/2007 8:42:27 AM.
|
| Posted 6/14/07 8:39 AM |
| |
|
maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
Posted by MsG
If it's a party, it doesn't mean the whole weekend with her dad is missed, does it?
Personally, and I'm sure no one will agree with me, I feel that a child's life shouldn't have to change that much b/c the parents decided to divorce. It's already a big change to adjust to, and I think it's not a lot to ask that parents be flexible in their scheduling.
My parents divorced when I was 9, and my dad was awesome about taking me to see my friends on the weekends that he had me. He never made me feel guilty, and he got to know my friends too, which otherwise he may not have since he didn't live with me anymore.
I'm sure it's hard on your schedule, but she's a kid living two lives in a way. I think whatever can make her blend the two together would make for a happier kid. If it's something that she MUST attend, like a relative's birthday party or something, then say no. But if it's just a regular weekend and she wants to see her friends on a Saturday night, I don't see why she shouldn't.
I know this must be hard, I'm just offering my side of it, having lived through it with my parents.
I completely agree and responded something similar above. It is VERY hard at times being a child of divorce. Before my parents had divorced, it didn't matter where i wanted to go or what was going on. When one parent moves out and in my case to another state, you can imagine how that turns their life around...
Not to say there aren't ways to come to a compromise and work out, but its a lot of give and take. We didn't have the best relationship with our dad though, so it made it much harder. Good luck to you guys!
|
| Posted 6/14/07 8:41 AM |
| |
|
nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
Posted by MsG
If it's a party, it doesn't mean the whole weekend with her dad is missed, does it?
Personally, and I'm sure no one will agree with me, I feel that a child's life shouldn't have to change that much b/c the parents decided to divorce. It's already a big change to adjust to, and I think it's not a lot to ask that parents be flexible in their scheduling.
My parents divorced when I was 9, and my dad was awesome about taking me to see my friends on the weekends that he had me. He never made me feel guilty, and he got to know my friends too, which otherwise he may not have since he didn't live with me anymore.
I'm sure it's hard on your schedule, but she's a kid living two lives in a way. I think whatever can make her blend the two together would make for a happier kid. If it's something that she MUST attend, like a relative's birthday party or something, then say no. But if it's just a regular weekend and she wants to see her friends on a Saturday night, I don't see why she shouldn't.
I know this must be hard, I'm just offering my side of it, having lived through it with my parents.
ETA: I re-read your post and see that what you want is for her to ask her dad's permission, which I think is totally reasonable, just that kid's plans sometimes aren't made in advance, so there might be a lot of last-minute requests.
I agree with this. I think the best thing you can do for the daughter & dad is to have him be an active participant in her life, with her friends, etc. From what I've seen often Dad's weekend turns into a forced family thing & that's not what you're shooting for.
Maybe suggest your DH talk to his daughter & say, "When you want to do something during the time you're with me, I need you to check with me first. You may not be aware of the plans we've made." Also as a courtesy, I think he should let her know about plans as they happen.
You could even do an online calendar so the mom, dad & kid can look at plans in advance.
Making the mom give up her kids the following weekend because she wanted to go to her friend's house gives the impression that the dad wants nothing to do with the friends.
|
| Posted 6/14/07 9:06 AM |
| |
|
JTK
my 4 boys!
Member since 6/06 7396 total posts
Name:
Kristi
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
i am in the exact same situation as you.. my stepdaughter is 16 and her mother allows her to do anything on our weekend.. but when it is her weekend sometimes she is not allowed because of family functions or previous plans.. plenty of our plans have been ruined because of it.. especially since she lives an hour away from us. i agree... the dad should be consulted.. i would never RSVP my kids to something on their dad's time without consulting him.. it s inconsiderate!
|
| Posted 6/14/07 11:13 AM |
| |
|
EmmaNick
*
Member since 12/06 16001 total posts
Name:
*
|
Re: Divorced Parent Question...
I don't think a child should be *forced* to go to her other parent's house if she doesn't want to. Growing up, I went to my dad's on Sunday's only and that was sufficient. Had I have had to go the entire weekend, I would have been pretty darn bummed that I couldn't do anything with my friends.
|
| Posted 6/14/07 1:33 PM |
| |
|
