Do you parent like your parents did?

I was just wondering if everyone parents their child like their parents parented them? My sister was telling me yesterday that she doesn't remember one happy memory from our childhood. We both had it really bad growing up, not happy and no good memories. I always told myself that I would never do that to DS, that I know I can't be perfect but I will try to be the best mommy that I can for him but then I was thinking how is this possible when I myself don't know what a good parent is because I haven't seen this. I don't want to become them, am I doomed because we are how we grew up, I don't know any different. How do I learn what is "right" and "normal"?

Do you parent like your parents did?

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

In some ways I do. I try to teach them manners and keep them behaved (doesn't always work!)

What I WILL change with my kids, is how often we do special activities. My parents never let us go to CEC or SpacePlex (old and gone, but it was by our house). I don't know why it bothered me so much that they would never take us there. I tend to do more things like that with my kids.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

In some ways I do. My dad raised us since I was 4 years old and ran a tight ship. He would not tolerate talking back, whining, lying or bad manners. He was very loving and always made us laugh. I hope that I can be half the parent that he is and I try to emulate him as much as I can. My mother however, was distant, cold, critical and basically unloving. I pray that I am nothing like her and do my best to show my children how much I love them, as well as tell them, every single day.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

i think a lot of my parenting is similar.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

No, I don't.

I'm pretty hard on my mom-she made some bad choices and is, to this day, fairly selfish.

Some of her parenting choices came from the fact that she was a single mom and/or there was not a lot of money.

I would never, ever condemn her for that. In fact, I forgive her some pretty huge blunders because of that and have great empathy for the position she was in. If she had made the harder choices in some of these forks in the road she would have been a candidate for mother of the century.

However, there are some things I just cannot give her a pass on and while I try not to hold it over her since this was so long ago, I hope to be a better parent than she was.

The good thing is that my mom is a much better grandmother than she is a mother-she can have the fun without making the life altering decisions and that suits her much better.

That said, I think those of us who did not have great parental role models can be great parents because we learn from the mistakes of our parents. Whereas others do not have this perspective.

I am very similar to my mom in some ways-and in many of the ways that I do not like therefore I've developed kind of a heightened self awareness and fight off a lot of my mother's tendencies. The power of good parenting WILL prevail

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

I had a wonderful childhood with lots of great memories. dh didnt . so the memories we are creating with ava hopefully will be as great as mine.
my mom was and still is an amazing mother so i hope that I am like her.

Message edited 2/4/2011 8:32:47 AM.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

you may think you don't know how to be a good parent, but you know how to NOT be a bad parent. think of it like that.

the only thing i will change is eating habits. my mom would give me a box of cookies or kraft macaroni and cheese. i want DS to be able to understand moderation...cause im still having problems with the concept!!

my dad...well, he was basically a monetary figure. he wasnt very loving and i try to make sure DH isnt like that. cause i still have daddy issues.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

My first thought was NO WAY!

These are where we clearly are different:

1. my mother is anti-CIO, she understand why I do it, but will not support me when she watches ds

2. They overfeed the baby IMO, and reward whining with food - they don't see it that way

3. They give a pacifier at the slightest whimper, cries are muffled with distractions

4. TV is always on

I've talked to her numerous times about this, pounded on her, and she always comes back "well, you turned out okay, didn't you" ...

There are some things that I think they did really right!

My father was never home, because he worked 3 jobs, DH is also never home because of his demanding job. I was told my dad is a superhero, and I plan to tell DS the same.

eta: to the OP, love your child and you will know in your heart what is best for them

I agree with pp, you will know whats not right, that's more than enough.

Message edited 2/4/2011 9:34:15 AM.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

I hope I can be as good of a parent as my parents were/are.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

Yes and No. Based on the way i grew up I know there are certain things that i plan to never to with my children and there are other's that i'm all for. i take it on a case by case basis and think that me and DH have come to a good balance between the strictness in my household and the laziness in his.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

Yes, our parenting styles are very similar. I had a great childhood. The only thing I would do different is TALK to my children about what they did wrong/why they are being punished. I was raised in a strict italian househould where you got whacked before you got spoken to. I will not be like that with my kids.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

I pray that I do not. every day. it is a constant struggle for me in certain ways.

although being a parent now helps me to see what so much of what my parents did to us, however "wrong" was mostly with the best of intentions, just without patience, stability, or know how.

one thing I DO get from my parents, especially my dad, is his playfulness. he didn't do it all the time, but occasionally, when we were out, we'd have a ball with him. getting down on the floor, making up stupid games.

from my mom I get my holly homemaker gene. she would have been a great SAHM. it's all she ever wanted to be.

but yeah, discipline wise, I try to steer clear of their methods, even if I try to teach the same message.

ETA: OP, cranky, and Jamba...I think that cranky is right in that we will instantly know what is wrong b/c we will feel it. it will resound with that little child still inside us. there is no way we can be perfect. no way we can cut out the formative years of our life and whatever damage was sustained...but we can promise to our children every day to do BETTER to be BETTER. it doesn't have to be a vicious cycle.

Message edited 2/4/2011 9:54:22 AM.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

Not at all and I never will. My parents were terrible parents and I have no intention of ever being like them in any way. I don't believe that we are doomed by fate or our childhoods or anything like that - I firmly believe our lives are what we make of them and that if we take ownership and do what we think is right, then we'll be just fine. It's worked well for so far, but I'm only a year in.

As for models, you can find them anywhere you want if you are looking for them - friends, other relatives, television, LIF, the parents of your friends that you wish you had when you were a kid, grandparents, in-laws - your parents are not the only models available to you. Look broadly and don't feel so doomed - you can be exactly the kind of parent you want to be and it may take you awhile to figure that out, but that's OK, my mind's not fully made up either.

I also read A LOT about parenting on all topics that have been relevant so far (mostly sleep training and schedules for the first year), and continue to be kind of an academic parent. I've always been a good student so it suits me.

Re: Do you parent like your parents did?

No, I am much stricter than my parents were...my parents were very permissive and I'm not saying that I didn't turn out well, but I definitely have a tendency to want to quit something when the going gets rough since that was allowed when I was a kid.

To be fair to them, I was their second child, their first was Autistic...they obviously had to give him a lot of extra attention and forsake me, so I think they were very permissive with me to make up for it. I don't think there was a better way to raise me, I think they did a fantastic job and I love them with every bit of me.

But SD really needs very strict boundaries and limits and when we were first living together she was a disobedient monster from living with my MIL...so now everything is very very strict and black and white.