Email from a family member

So I told my cousin we were doing IVF as she has been through some fertility issues herself. Anyway I told her that we TOLD DH's family this weekend (half who knew we were doing IVF anyway so the cat was half out of the bag anyway). This is what she writes to me -

Still in the early stages, and you should take it easy anyway. Still too early to be telling “everybody” though, even though you are soooo excited.

Would you be annoyed?? I mean, who are you to tell me when I should get the news out???? Just because you are a very "private" person, we are not all the same... right??

Re: Email from a family member

Ugh. That would totally piss me off. It's your news to share whenever you want. I would give her a piece of my mind!

Re: Email from a family member

ew....that smells like jealousy...

you are doing what you are comfortable with...the people you are telling have been people that have been on this journey and you wanted to tell them...
I told everyone as soon as that damn PG test popped up PG...


You're having a baby, tell everyone you want!

Re: Email from a family member

My reply -

I tell people because 1. it is impossible to exect them to keep a secret for so long - 2, we get that many prayers headed our way 3, I would want their support if anything went wrong anyway.

We are all different, I am a very open person and did not feel it was "necessary" to wait. This was a conscious decision.

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I would be VERY annoyed. People tell when they feel comfortable telling - there is no set time limit on that.

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i would be annoyed!!! god forbid something happens u have them all their for the love and support. and speaking as someone who had a bad experience - i was very happy that my family and friends knew - i would have never made it w/o them!

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Re: Email from a family member

We told people early, too. My thought was by telling people we were affirming how much we wanted this baby and our belief that everything would all-right. Forget about those negative people!

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Screw her!!! You tell who you want, when you want. Yes I would be PO'ed!!!

Re: Email from a family member

yeah, that reaks of jealousy!!!!!

and you should be "soooo excited"

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Re: Email from a family member

I would just be glad it was in an email a and not to my face, my expression would have been priceless.

Its a happy great time. some people live with reservations before telling others tell the world. I think it is just a personality difference.

I know I could never relate to what some moms to be have to go through, the emotional rollercoaster, but for you dear, you seem to be along for the ride. You might as well enjoy it.

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She has her 2 kids, she's done. She is just a very very private person - nobody knew - not even her mom and sister - that they were having fertility issues. She had 1 miscarriage, as did I, which is why she thinks this way, but it just made me so angry...

As my mom says "Don't you SHOULD on me!!"

Message edited 10/24/2006 3:53:21 PM.

Re: Email from a family member

I think your reply was great! Some people just like to push people down, no matter the circumstances!

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Your reply was great. People are so nervy!

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Re: Email from a family member

Re: Email from a family member

Honestly.....I do see why her comment might annoy you....however.....why would this be a jealous comment? You said that she has 2 children of her own, so it's not as if she cannot have children and is jealous of you.

You also said that she is a very private person, so maybe she is just looking at it from a different angle. Perhaps she is thinking if the IVF does not work for you and DH, it will be even harder for you to have to go back and tell everyone that you cannot become pregnant after all.

Again, I do understand why you would want to tell people. I'm not saying that you should not share the news with your family, I would also tell people for the prayers and support.

And I don't know anything about your cousin besides what you wrote, perhaps she has a history of making comments like this. But I really think her email was written out of concern and support, probably mostly written because she has be there and dealt with the disappointment.

If I were you, I would email her back and explain how perhaps you took her letter wrong. Tell her you felt her letter was not the right thing to say at this point. She may have not realized her words would offend you.

Good luck to you and DH.

Re: Email from a family member

I got the same thing from a family friend...actually my SIL's sister when I told her.
I said well I didnt want you to feel left out, because the family all knew and she basically said, " I wish you would have waited a little longer before announcing it to the world" ....

To which I replied, well Why? Wouldnt you be there for me if I had a M/C? So whats the secret? Or reason for one?

She had no reply.

Kara- DONT let it get to you. It sounds 100% like jealousy.

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Family and close friends are the ones who will be there for you if god forbid something does happen. You can tell whoever you want, don't let her tell you otherwise. All people are different.

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I agree! Who is she to tell you when or what you should be telling people about your life? Some people think they know everything or the right way to do everything! I say ignore her!

Re: Email from a family member

Posted by puppylove

Honestly.....I do see why her comment might annoy you....however.....why would this be a jealous comment? You said that she has 2 children of her own, so it's not as if she cannot have children and is jealous of you.

You also said that she is a very private person, so maybe she is just looking at it from a different angle. Perhaps she is thinking if the IVF does not work for you and DH, it will be even harder for you to have to go back and tell everyone that you cannot become pregnant after all.

Again, I do understand why you would want to tell people. I'm not saying that you should not share the news with your family, I would also tell people for the prayers and support.

And I don't know anything about your cousin besides what you wrote, perhaps she has a history of making comments like this. But I really think her email was written out of concern and support, probably mostly written because she has be there and dealt with the disappointment.

If I were you, I would email her back and explain how perhaps you took her letter wrong. Tell her you felt her letter was not the right thing to say at this point. She may have not realized her words would offend you.

Good luck to you and DH.

Re: Email from a family member

Well that was just insensitive of her.

Some people write before they think.

Hopefully she just meant it in a "be cautious, I love you and I want the best for you and the baby" way.

But I would have been annoyed too.

Re: Email from a family member

JEALOUSY....... tell her to go rain on someone elses parade!

Re: Email from a family member

Posted by karacg

Posted by puppylove

Honestly.....I do see why her comment might annoy you....however.....why would this be a jealous comment? You said that she has 2 children of her own, so it's not as if she cannot have children and is jealous of you.

You also said that she is a very private person, so maybe she is just looking at it from a different angle. Perhaps she is thinking if the IVF does not work for you and DH, it will be even harder for you to have to go back and tell everyone that you cannot become pregnant after all.

Again, I do understand why you would want to tell people. I'm not saying that you should not share the news with your family, I would also tell people for the prayers and support.

And I don't know anything about your cousin besides what you wrote, perhaps she has a history of making comments like this. But I really think her email was written out of concern and support, probably mostly written because she has be there and dealt with the disappointment.

If I were you, I would email her back and explain how perhaps you took her letter wrong. Tell her you felt her letter was not the right thing to say at this point. She may have not realized her words would offend you.

Good luck to you and DH.

I don't think it is jealousy at all -- that's what other people have said and it isn't the reason. It's because she is a very private person and I know she thinks if we mis it will be harder - but she and I are so different (we get along great otherwise) and it just really upset me that she said this - especially AFTER I said "We told DH's family this weekend" not "We are PLANNING to tell DH's family this weekend" I mwan why tell me what she thinks I should do after I have already done what I've done??

Message edited 10/24/2006 10:55:43 PM.