Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions - UPDATE

UPDATE - So we've decided to still be a part of the BP but we are making some adjustments. I'm just going to do my own hair and makeup which is fine because god knows what it might look like getting it done from someone I don't know OOS , since one of his sisters doesn't care what we wear as long as it's black I'll just buy a nice dress at Macy's and then I can at least use it again, we have no interest in any bach. parties and they will probably be OOS so we are skipping those, and because they never helped pay for my shower I'm not chipping in for that. As far as a gift, we'll just give a gift of whatever we can afford at the time taking into consideration the other costs. In the end though we'll be in the BP and hopefully that's all that matters to them.

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So here's the thing.........this year we have FOUR weddings. My DH's sisters who we're not close with and see maybe once or twice a year, my sister, and my cousin. My cousin's wedding is no big thing, we're just guests. I am the MOH in my sister's wedding and it's here on the island so it's not a big deal really. But then there are his sisters weddings..........both are out of state. I am in both, Emme is in one, Steve is in one. We agreed to be in them but the money is adding up crazy fast for these weddings. Between the dresses, wedding gifts, shower gifts, hotels, parties, etc. etc. it's getting out of control already.

I am home with Emme right now so money is tight and what money I have I don't want to spend on all these weddings. It's adding up to thousands of dollars at this point. My DH and I are discussing declining the invite to be in his sister's weddings since we're not close with them and rarely see them. I think they just asked us because they thought they were suppose to. For financial reasons we think it's best to not be in these 2 out of state weddings. What do you think about the situation? Do you think it's okay to say no because of money. I mean my goodness...........4 weddings in a year!!!!! It's so insane and SO costly. Help!!!!!!!!

Message edited 1/22/2009 4:07:05 PM.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

When are they?

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

I would decline the invite to be in both of his siters if you are not close with them and if DH agrees. Does he agree? Would you still go, but just not be in the BP?

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

how much would you really save by not being in the weddings? You'd still have the expense of gifts, dresses, hotel, etc.

I have my sisters wedding next week, and it has cost me a fortune, but its my SISTER and I don't regret a dime of it.

I understand its a lot of money, but its his family. I wouldn't bow out.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Message edited 1/22/2009 9:35:42 AM.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

I think they might get offended.....

Especially since they asked you to be in the BP. They might just see as the money situation as an exscuse.

I would let your DH take the lead on this.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Message edited 1/22/2009 10:05:42 AM.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Posted by KateDevine

Posted by nferrandi

Posted by -Lisa-

how much would you really save by not being in the weddings? You'd still have the expense of gifts, dresses, hotel, etc.

I have my sisters wedding next week, and it has cost me a fortune, but its my SISTER and I don't regret a dime of it.

I understand its a lot of money, but its his family. I wouldn't bow out.

I kind of have to agree. In the end all you would be saving money on is dress and tux rental. I don't think it would be enuogh money to be worth hurting/offending DH's sisters.

I agree as well. And you'd probably have to buy a dress, get a suit dry cleaned, etc, etc. It isn't THAT much cheaper...

Also, you *think* DH wouldn't care, but you don't know for sure, so I think you need to do what makes him more comfortable. When my SIL got married, I NEVER thought my DH would be upset to not give her away (their dad is deceased) and he was SO hurt when he wasn't asked.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

I had my cousin drop out for financial reasons. She was driving up to NY with her 3 kids.

It was completely understandable & I offered to pay for her bridesmaid dress, hair, etc because I really wanted her to be in it. She wasn't comfortable with my paying & I repected that.

I think it's understandable that you'd need to cut somewhere. However, you are in your sister's wedding - paying for the dress & everything that goes along with it. I understand you can't chose to be in one sister's wedding & not the other. Personally, I'd probably suck up the cost of it. Just keep in mind that you also may not fully understand their reasons for asking your family to be apart of their day. It may not be obligation as you think. It may be the hopes that you become closer. Turning them down under those circumstances may be sending a message that you don't want to send. If you do turn them down, I would step up contact with them & try to be apart of their day in other ways - sharing the details of things, being a good cheerleader.

Honestly, it doesnt sound to me that it's financial. How much does a dress & tux run these days?

Message edited 1/22/2009 10:15:34 AM.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

I think backing out after you agreed to be in the wedding, especially since it is family, can lead to a lot of problems down the road. For me, I would probably just suck it up and spend the money to be in the weddings. I realize you are closer with your own family, but I am not sure I would be happy to know that my SIL chose to be in a cousin's wedding over mine, regardless of how close they are.

When I was asked to be in a couple of my siblings weddings (and one really close friend), I lived out of state and it was tough for me financially at the time to fly in and be in the BP. I told them I could either give them a gift or be in the wedding, but I couldn't afford both. They all chose for me to be in the BP over receiving a gift. Can you offer that as a compromise?

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Message edited 1/22/2009 10:22:52 AM.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

No one's saying it won't cost more. I just don't think the additional cost is worth offending your in-laws. I don't put a price on family - if it were a friend's wedding I'd be more inclined to agree with you.

A bridesmaid's dress is not always more expensive. You don't have to get your hair and makeup done (though even if not in the BP you'll still have all those family photos). DH can explain the financial strain to MIL if she wants $$ for the shower. It doesn't have to cost a fortune. It just sounds like you want an out.

Message edited 1/22/2009 10:25:44 AM.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

were any of these people in your wedding party? if not, I would decline. If so, I feel like there is more of an obligation KWIM?

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Posted by nferrandi

Posted by Hofstra26


The tux is a fortune. His mom I believe expects us to pay for part of her shower. A bridesmaid dress is far more expensive then buying a dress at say a dept. store to wear, I have to pay to have my hair and makeup get done..............really, I don't think you can argue that it costs more to be part of the wedding then to just be a guest. Again, I just feel with all the money involved and the lack of a relationship we have with them is reason enough to just attend as a guest. I've known girls who have declined a BP invite because of money. It's not an uncommon thing because with the honor of being in the BP comes a financial cost. It's A LOT of money and it adds up fast.

It seems pretty clear to me that you already have your mind made up, so honestly, I'm not sure why you were looking for opinions. And as far as girls declining for money reasons, yes, that happens all the time. But I'm guessing it doesn't happen all that ofetn with family. And I would think you could decline getting your hair and makeup done if the expense is too much. I would talk to both SILs and let them know that money is a little tight and you will have to forgo a couple of things.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Posted by nferrandi
It seems pretty clear to me that you already have your mind made up, so honestly, I'm not sure why you were looking for opinions. And as far as girls declining for money reasons, yes, that happens all the time. But I'm guessing it doesn't happen all that ofetn with family. And I would think you could decline getting your hair and makeup done if the expense is too much. I would talk to both SILs and let them know that money is a little tight and you will have to forgo a couple of things.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

If you really wanted to be in the BP there are ways to save money.

I was in my brother's OOT wedding last year and I didn't go with the rest of the girls to get my hair and makeup done. It was more of a logistical thing b/c of my kids, but my SIL was fine with that.

Message edited 1/22/2009 10:40:52 AM.

Re: Family Related Question but not kid related. Need Opinions

Posted by 1stimemom

Posted by Hofstra26

Posted by 1stimemom

I would decline the invite to be in both of his siters if you are not close with them and if DH agrees. Does he agree? Would you still go, but just not be in the BP?

We would be at the wedding for sure just not be in the BP. It is SO costly and honestly if we were closer with them it would be one thing but to spend so much money when you hardly speak or see each other just seems crazy to me. DH said we'll talk about it.

Honeslty, I see your point and tend to agree with you, but in the end I would probably wind up doing whatever DH thinks is the right thing. It is his family