Feeling kind of sad...UPDATE

***UPDATE***

So. I had a talk with DH yesterday when he got home. It went well (we usually have no problem communicating) and we just decided to just relax and I will keep an eye on my schedule and initiate when necessary and any other time is fun, fun, fun!!!
Thanks to everyone for your support. Its really nice to be able to talk about it.


Note*** This will be long**

Sorry for the being a downer so early in the morning, but I woke up feeling sad today. This is our first cycle TTC, and like the planner that I am I did all the research and know the best times to BD and all that. I know this is my first cycle off the birth control and my cycle might not be normal so we decided that the Bd'ing every other day from period to period time would probably be the best thing. Here's the issue. We have NEVER done it that much. I have always thought it was weird that my DH wasn't as overly zealous as some of my other boyfriends. He hardly ever initiates and we usually wind up doing it maybe once a week. We have not even been married for 2 years yet and we are only in our early 30's.

So we make this plan to up the sex and he is "ALL FOR IT" as he winks and me and grabs my butt. So the last day of my period was last Friday. We BD on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, then on Saturday we try...he has trouble finishing. After a while we call it a night. We try again on Sunday...same thing. I do every thing I can think of and ultimately become upset and that ruins the mood and we call it a night. Now it is Wednesday and we have not tried again since Sunday. I asked him if maybe he really doesn't want a baby, and he assures me that's not what it is and he is not sure what it is.
We are both not the fit-est of people and carry some extra weight. I have been trying to lose it by eating right and going to the gym and have had a bit of success. He keeps saying he wants to do the same but can't seem to find his motivation. I always ask him to do the gym with me and he never does. He thinks maybe if he lost weight he might be more interested in sex. Last night he fell asleep in his recliner and stayed there all night. He does this all the time.
Maybe we shouldn't try to have kids right now. It's obvious we have some issues.
Sorry to ramble. I am just sad and don't really want to tell anyone in IRL whats going on.
If you got this far...thanks for listening

Message edited 2/17/2011 10:01:18 AM.

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

i am sorry you are feeling down I would say that maybe some of the issues is jsut the fact that you are on a schedule. Maybe he is feeling pressure just because its scheduled and that's why he is having problems, kwim? I know it's hard when TTC bc you kinda have to be on a schedule, but don't worry if you miss a night or 2. Sounds like you are doing it a lot so a night or 2 off from the schedule probably won't hurt.

I def think getting fit will help the sex life. I know for me, when I gain weight it makes me feel really uncomfortable with my body and less in the mood for sexy time. If he won't go to the gym, maybe just try giving him some compliments to help him feel better about himself.

goood luck!!

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Posted by letsmakeababy

i am sorry you are feeling down I would say that maybe some of the issues is jsut the fact that you are on a schedule. Maybe he is feeling pressure just because its scheduled and that's why he is having problems, kwim? I know it's hard when TTC bc you kinda have to be on a schedule, but don't worry if you miss a night or 2. Sounds like you are doing it a lot so a night or 2 off from the schedule probably won't hurt.

I def think getting fit will help the sex life. I know for me, when I gain weight it makes me feel really uncomfortable with my body and less in the mood for sexy time. If he won't go to the gym, maybe just try giving him some compliments to help him feel better about himself.

goood luck!!

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Only you and DH can decide if it's the right time to have kids...and sometimes it's hard to be honest with yourself. DH and I went through this a while back...I was desperately trying to convince myself that things were okay and we just needed to have #2.....but deep down, I knew we had some issues that needed to be addressed first.

And I do know that weight / medical issues / stress can all lead to difficulty wanting to and/or "finishing"....DH and I have both put on weight over the last 3 years...and I know it affected me...on top of that, bcp KILLED my libido...DH was going through some medical and psychological stuff, so for the last 2 years...our life was AWFUL.

We did a LOT of talking, a lot of being honest with ourselves and each other and really making an effort to change the things we weren't happy with....We don't DTD every day or anything, but we are much improved...

It sounds like maybe your DH isn't happy with himself right now....the only things you can really do about that are be there for him, let him know how much you love him for who he is, ask how you can help him change what he wants to, etc.....and maybe just "wing it" for now....perhaps it is the pressure of the scheduling....You'll get there!!

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Aww..I'm so sorry that you are feeling so sad!

Maybe you are thinking of TTC as a job rather then an enjoyable time!! I felt this way too. I'm a bit over weight and trying to do things to change my lifestyle..making it easier to ttc. Maybe try to spice things up a bit..plan a romantical night together. It could be more enjoyable. That's what DH and I are doing.

My advice is to go about your normal life style..and when you least expect it..BOOM.SUPRISE..a POSTITVE PREGNANCY TEST!!!

Good Luck!!! We are all here for you!!!!!

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

It sounds as if its the pressure of having to so much that's getting to him..
rather than it being 'spontaneous', it becomes a chore and the expectation and pressure to perform becomes more of the focus rather than enjoying it

maybe instead of every other night for a month (which is a lot!), you could start monitoring when you ovulate (opk's or temping) and then make sure you guys during the days leading up to and during O time.. then the other days in the month you just take it as it comes. And if you feel like it would be easier on him, don't tell him when you're O'ing.. just initiate and it might take some of the pressure off him and he can enjoy it again.

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Posted by Otherme

It sounds as if its the pressure of having to so much that's getting to him..
rather than it being 'spontaneous', it becomes a chore and the expectation and pressure to perform becomes more of the focus rather than enjoying it

maybe instead of every other night for a month (which is a lot!), you could start monitoring when you ovulate (opk's or temping) and then make sure you guys during the days leading up to and during O time.. then the other days in the month you just take it as it comes. And if you feel like it would be easier on him, don't tell him when you're O'ing.. just initiate and it might take some of the pressure off him and he can enjoy it again.

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Posted by Shelleybean11

Posted by Otherme

It sounds as if its the pressure of having to so much that's getting to him..
rather than it being 'spontaneous', it becomes a chore and the expectation and pressure to perform becomes more of the focus rather than enjoying it

maybe instead of every other night for a month (which is a lot!), you could start monitoring when you ovulate (opk's or temping) and then make sure you guys during the days leading up to and during O time.. then the other days in the month you just take it as it comes. And if you feel like it would be easier on him, don't tell him when you're O'ing.. just initiate and it might take some of the pressure off him and he can enjoy it again.

ITA! The pressure gets to DH sometimes too. It's a lot to have to BD on command. According to my RE, BDing 1 or 2x in the week of O should be enough, anything more is useless. Maybe instead of BDing every other day just aim for 2x a week

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

First off

Second this being ur first month ttc I think u r putting way too much pressure on both you and dh...if u guys r usually once a week and now going every other day that can def be overwhelming and a mood killer...

This is the time when ttc can actually be fun..trust me I miss those days...get some opks and when u r ovulating then bd..seduce him lol..no need to go every other day..

Try to enjoy this time where u can have fun and still try for that baby!

Best of luck to you

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

i feel for you bc i went through something similar with my dh
i am only going into my 3rd cycle of being off bcp and dh and i haven't had the greatest life over the years - we've had our fair share of problems, and we have scheduling conflicts.
after the 1st month of ttc where i felt like i was the only one initiating and like we weren't enough to make anything happen, dh also told me he was "all in".
2nd cycle we BD on CD 7, 9, 10 & 11... i started earlier than i knew i'd O bc i wanted to establish that intimacy that we had been lacking and i didn't want him to feel like i was ONLY using him for one thing. plus, our schedules allowed for it... well when we tried to on CD 12 - he couldn't finish. that NEVER happened through our entire relationship.
i initiated a few more times, randomly throughout my cycle and was turned down each one (until the most recent of CD32 which was the day before AF showed up, so obviously i'm not preggo)
it's been hard bc i feel like i'm the only one TRYING and he's almost preventing conception... he says he wants kids but his "whatever happens, happens" attitude is hard when you're in the mindset that we all are.
this month i'm going to take a new approach and try the OPK... and unless HE initiates, i'm not going to try unless the kit is positive or maybe once a week, later in my cycle. i don't want to start being gung-ho early again, and then for whatever reason, he loses interest and then i'm sh!t out of luck for cycle #3.
i think what some of the other girls said is right... don't put so much pressure on yourself or on him, this early on. TRUST ME, when i say that is easier said than done... it is sooo hard once you're in the TTC mindframe to back off even a little... but you will do your own sanity some good. i started acupuncture for other reasons, but was talking to her about TTC, as some people go there for that, and a huge thing she spoke about was stress. once you start psyching yourself up and out - it will just be a never ending cycle. that's probably all of our problems to some extent
i didn't mean to ramble about my story on your post, but i just wanted you to know that you're not alone - sometimes having a husband who doesn't feel like they are 100% on the same page as we are, even though they say they are, can feel like a lonely place to be good luck to you

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Posted by MrsKelly


i didn't mean to ramble about my story on your post, but i just wanted you to know that you're not alone - sometimes having a husband who doesn't feel like they are 100% on the same page as we are, even though they say they are, can feel like a lonely place to be good luck to you

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Posted by ItsTime2011

Posted by MrsKelly


i didn't mean to ramble about my story on your post, but i just wanted you to know that you're not alone - sometimes having a husband who doesn't feel like they are 100% on the same page as we are, even though they say they are, can feel like a lonely place to be good luck to you

Gosh...don't apologize at all. You story is so similar to mine that I really appreciate you sharing. My dh is the same way...saying he really wants a baby and then not really putting in much effort. Coupled with the effect that going off BCP is having I am a mess. I am going to assume that I am not preggo this cycle and let it go until next cycle. I will try and do the OPK (but they are SOOO expensive) and I will just relax.

Thanks again !

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Posted by letsmakeababy

i am sorry you are feeling down I would say that maybe some of the issues is jsut the fact that you are on a schedule. Maybe he is feeling pressure just because its scheduled and that's why he is having problems, kwim? I know it's hard when TTC bc you kinda have to be on a schedule, but don't worry if you miss a night or 2. Sounds like you are doing it a lot so a night or 2 off from the schedule probably won't hurt.

I def think getting fit will help the sex life. I know for me, when I gain weight it makes me feel really uncomfortable with my body and less in the mood for sexy time. If he won't go to the gym, maybe just try giving him some compliments to help him feel better about himself.

goood luck!!

Re: Feeling kind of sad...

Posted by RubyWoo

Posted by letsmakeababy

i am sorry you are feeling down I would say that maybe some of the issues is jsut the fact that you are on a schedule. Maybe he is feeling pressure just because its scheduled and that's why he is having problems, kwim? I know it's hard when TTC bc you kinda have to be on a schedule, but don't worry if you miss a night or 2. Sounds like you are doing it a lot so a night or 2 off from the schedule probably won't hurt.

I def think getting fit will help the sex life. I know for me, when I gain weight it makes me feel really uncomfortable with my body and less in the mood for sexy time. If he won't go to the gym, maybe just try giving him some compliments to help him feel better about himself.

goood luck!!

ITA with every word of this - I actually feel like I could have written it myself.

I also agree w/everyone else as far as just sort of taking it easy and not putting so much pressure on yourselves - especially your first month ttc. Try to relax a little. If you look around, some of the girls here got their BFPs with just a little here and there. We've all gotten down b/c we didn't get to every other day or on the day of O because, well, sometimes live gets in the way.

The only other advise I can offer you is to maybe keep your "schedule" to yourself and maybe not involve DH in that aspect. I went through a short period where DH said felt sort of forced and scheduled and there was no romance or spontaneity. We made a deal that I would keep track of when we should and then just sort of attack him when necessary

You will be just fine - and we'll be here if you need to vent.