Sad, lonely and frustrated...

My DH and I both work FT in the finance field. We both have demanding jobs. However, I work locally and am extremely lucky my boss is so nice and she gives me all the flexibilty I need to care for DD (work from home 2 days a week and work 8:30 - 4:30 the days I'm in the office. I don't have a 9 -5 job, so I work alot at night after the baby goes to bed.)

My DH works in NYC (2 hour commute door to door) and his job gives him zero flexibilty. He's usually home by 8, but every quarter for a MONTH he's home after 11pm (it's friday and he's still working.)

I do EVERYTHING. I work FT, take care of the baby around the clock, do the laundry, errands, cleaning, cooking etc. I'm exhausted, frustrated and lonely (I don't live near family or friends.)

Why does it have to be this way? At what point do you say I NEED to make a change? We need the money so not working isn't an option, but perhaps have him take a job closer to home. He's been at this company for a long time, he has great benefits and decent salary. They treat him great otherwise and he's comfortable there.

He's sad he doesn't see the baby, he's sad I can't be a SAHM, he's doing the best he can - but really something has to give. He wants to start TTC #2 (and so do I), but I really can't do 2 all by myself and work FT.

Sorry this is half vent and half looking for advice or something....

Message edited 7/13/2007 9:18:06 PM.

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to give you this

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

Sorry I can't offer anything more than HUGS, HUGS, and more HUGS!!!

I sometimes feel the same way. I do everything now, and I know I still will after I go back to work.

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

sorry ur feeling this way - is he willing to give in and find something closer? or would he be comf asking his co for different work hours to help the situation? i dont know ur situation, but i want to give u anyway- somehow things always work out so keep and things will happen

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

First of all you ! You have so much on your plate - it sounds like you both need to sit and talk about options. Can you go part-time? Can your DH start applying to a job closer to home? Would you move closer to family to have sitters? Maybe you can get a mother's helper? Can you get a cleaning lady? HTH! I hope something gives so you don't feel so frustrated and lonely.

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

It sounds like something has to give.

Being a SAHM doesn't sound like the solution. It sounds like, if anything, you'll be come more isolated.

You need time to yourself & time with your DH. Maybe enlist some help to have a cleaning person or watch dd so you can do that.

If he has a terrific job & you have no friend/family in the area, would you consider moving closer to the city? My friend's dh has a similar sitation & moved to Hoboken (a 20 minute ferry ride). It definitely changed her lifestyle.

Otherwise, sounds like he needs to consider cutting down some hours, if possible.

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

I totally know how you are feeling. I also have a DH who works long hours and gets home just in time to see Bella go to bed. As much as I feel for him, it's frustrating to me because I need a break. I also don't have family who is near and can come help out. I give you tons of credit for working and being a mom. I'm not working and am feeling frustrated, I can't magine what it'll be like when I'm back to work. I wish I had advice, but all I can offer you is tons of support. If you ever need to vent, I am happy to listen.

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

Seems like even if you could be a SAHM, him not being home to help out and spend time with DD might still be most of the problem. I would suggest to him what you mentioned about getting a job closer to home. Is that something he'd look into? I remember in the beginning it was 50/50, DH was a HUGE help. Then slowly it became 60/40, etc., and now it's about 75/25 and I get so frustrated sometimes but it seems like that's just the way it goes from what I read on these boards!

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

Although he's been at his current job for a long time, it wouldn't hurt to look around at places to work that are closer to home. Jobs in the finance field are usually in high demand. Like I said, it doesn't hurt to look. Go on some interviews.

In the meantime, do whatever you can to help ease your burden. Both my DH and I also work F/T and live in an apartment with no washer and dryer. Instead of spending my Saturdays doing a mountain of laundry, I send it out. They actually pick it up and drop it off! Yes, it costs a lot more than doing it myself, but buys me time to spend with DD and DH. Plus...I justify it because I used to spend that $$$ on dinners out and movies...and since we don't do that anymore I figured, WHY NOT!

Hang in there!

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

sorry for what you are going through...I hope you find a way to work things out

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

In the same boat when I go back to work in a few weeks, so I have no advice. Just many
Especially the TTC for #2 part- we can't wait more than a year from DD birth due to my age. But how can we do all that?

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

I am sorry this is so hard. I was just talking about this the other day with a friend, about how things are so different today than they were when we grew up. The stress level is tremendous. I think that the "mother" also feels like she has to do everything (laundry, errands, etc.) and there is literally no time at all for yourself, which compounds the problem. My DH is around a bit more because his job is flexible, but I was doing what your husband did - commuting 2 hours each way every day and never seeing the baby, so it was really my Mom and DH bearing the burden and that just made me feel guilty. As much as I loved my job, made good money and had been there a long time, I made the decision to work closer to home and so far it was the right one. Maybe your DH can at least look around to see what is available - having him help just a little bit can make all the differenc

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

I'm sorry, but I don't think you ever tell your husband that he needs to change his job. Is he happy with his job? If so, and he can't get the same job closer to home than you can find another solution. Time to hire help - either to relieve you of some of the chores, or to give you time to yourself. Errands, cleaning and cooking can all be easily decreased.

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

Is it possible to move? Closer to the city or closer to family? So at least you have some friends. maybe join a mommy and me type thing on Saturdays so you can mingle with other mommies. That's the best thing I've done!

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

I'm sorry Jodi. Anytime you want to get together, just let me know- I'm always around, at least till the end of next month.

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

I am sorry you are so exhausted. I feel your pain but unfortunately, dont have any real advice.

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

Re: Sad, lonely and frustrated...

Oh Jodi!!
I know how frustrating it gets trying to juggle time, finances and sanity!