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QuoteTheRaven424
22 Months?!!!!
Member since 5/05 13659 total posts
Name:
And If That Isn't A True Blue Miracle
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George Carlin's Rules for 2008
These are great
May be offensive to some
And I don't think I've seen these particular ones before
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain, lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' you're a huge *******.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
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Posted 1/16/08 9:59 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
these are old, but still great!
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| Posted 1/16/08 10:03 AM |
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QuoteTheRaven424
22 Months?!!!!
Member since 5/05 13659 total posts
Name:
And If That Isn't A True Blue Miracle
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
Posted by Blu-ize
these are old, but still great!
yeah, i never know which are new and which are old - i had never seen these particular ones before.
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| Posted 1/16/08 10:03 AM |
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june262004
But I love the Snow!
Member since 5/05 15379 total posts
Name:
Kristin
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
Ive seen maybe 3 or 4 before! but still funny!
Message edited 1/16/2008 10:05:08 AM.
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| Posted 1/16/08 10:04 AM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
Posted by QuoteTheRaven424
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
 love him
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| Posted 1/16/08 10:06 AM |
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Stefanie
♥
Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
"Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high."
Too funny!!!
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| Posted 1/16/08 10:34 AM |
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MST9106
My life:)
Member since 6/06 9589 total posts
Name:
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
Posted by QuoteTheRaven424
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
Gotta tell my BIL this one!
Message edited 1/16/2008 10:35:29 AM.
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| Posted 1/16/08 10:35 AM |
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Brittny817
LIF Toddler
Member since 8/07 410 total posts
Name:
Brittny
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
Carlin is a GENIUS!!! Love him!!
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| Posted 1/16/08 10:37 AM |
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Diane
Hope is Contagious....catch it
Member since 5/05 30683 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
LOVE them
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| Posted 1/16/08 10:39 AM |
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
LOVE this one:
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
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| Posted 1/16/08 10:59 AM |
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imas98
Love my Furbaby
Member since 10/07 1140 total posts
Name:
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
Carlin is THE BEST ever !!!
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| Posted 1/16/08 11:04 AM |
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joenick
Us
Member since 6/06 9370 total posts
Name:
Valerie...aka...Do Me A Favor?
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
This one is my favorite!
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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| Posted 1/16/08 11:06 AM |
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MelToddJulia
Love my Family!
Member since 7/05 29064 total posts
Name:
Mel
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
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| Posted 1/16/08 11:37 AM |
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mrswask
Pookie Love
Member since 5/05 20229 total posts
Name:
Michal
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
Love it!
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| Posted 1/16/08 6:09 PM |
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
Too funny!!!!!!!
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| Posted 1/16/08 6:36 PM |
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Stacey1403
Where it all began....
Member since 5/05 24065 total posts
Name:
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain, lobster?
love this one
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| Posted 1/16/08 6:41 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: George Carlin's Rules for 2008
I love George Carlin. These are great!
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| Posted 1/16/08 6:49 PM |
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