Guilt

Ugh, I feel so guilty, this is hard to even write....

Last week was my Uncles birthday...he passed in 2005 and he was like a Father to me.

Last yr. on his birthday, we found out I was PG with my Son through IVF , and my son is named after my uncle, so we feel a bond.

On his birthday, I took my son to the cemetary to see him and bring flowers.

At the flower shop, I saw Halloween stuff etc and nothing "hit me"...

I got to the cemetary and realized that I was also taking my son to see his sister....My Daughter who was stillborn in 1997 and I didnt realize we were seeing her too until we were THERE already.

IT was like I completly forgot about her I didnt even buy her any flowers or Halloween stuff and all the kids ( she is in a special section of the cemetary) had Halloween stuff there...

It was like I was so wrapped up in my NEW child, and kinda showing him to my Uncle and saying, look heres our boy etc , that I forgot all about her and I have NEVER done that and I can barely think about it , its been eating me up inside.

I just needed to get it out..

THanks for listening.

Message edited 10/9/2007 9:54:54 AM.

Re: Guilt

Dont feel guilty!

Im sure that you think about your daughter each and everyday and that is more important than bringing something to the cemetary for her.

Re: Guilt

Posted by Lisa



Dont feel guilty!

Im sure that you think about your daughter each and everyday and that is more important than bringing something to the cemetary for her.

Re: Guilt

I've never been through anything like that, but I wanted to offer some hugs.


I think anyone who suffers a loss and does think about and miss their loved one every day has moments when they "forget." It's all part of the process of grieving and living beyond grief. We're just programmed that way.

Don't feel guilty. There's no way in the world you would actually forget about your daughter and she knows that. There's no instruction book or "right way" to deal with any situation, especially living beyond the loss of a child.

Re: Guilt

Donna, know you are not alone in feeling that way We were able to help each other through some rough times and I know the guilt about "forgetting" about the baby you lost
Whenever I forget to kiss CJ's urn or his picture goodnight (a ritual I do each and every night) - I cry for forgetting him.

You are a new Mommy and as hard as it is, you have to forgive yourself. Noelle knows she will forever be in your heart and soul. I rock Victoria in my arms and tell her all about her big brother. Maybe go back to the cemetary and bring Noelle something from Noah for halloween? I'm sure they would both love it

Re: Guilt

You are SO not alone! I have been going through something similar...

My c-section has been scheduled for October 22nd and ever since I got my date I have felt so sad and gulity. I can't really explain why except that I feel like maybe my son (John Joseph) might feel like we forgot about him because we've been getting ready for the birth of our daughter. I was finally given permission to go out a little each day and went to the cemetery last week with his fall/halloween decorations and my dh cleaned up a little (before bed rest I went to the cemetery once a week at least). I found myself so overwhelmed with emotion that I broke down for the first time since I found out that I was pregnant again (we found out a week after what would have been John Joseph's first birthday).

I guess I just wanted to know if other mommies of angels that are pregnant or just had a baby are feeling the same way or have gone through something similar.

I know in my heart my son knows how much I love and miss him. His sister will know all about her "big" brother and how he is her guardian angel and brought her safely to me. I just can't help feeling like I am a bad mother for being happy about my DD arrival.

Message edited 10/11/2007 4:04:08 PM.

Re: Guilt

Re: Guilt

I actually prayed that I would have a girl this time. I was actually afraid of having a boy and not being able to bond with him. I actually had nightmares before I knew what I was having that I was in the hospital and had a boy and kept calling him "John Joseph" (my son's name) but obviously it wasn't him.

I was so glad to see your post (not that you were feeling badly obviously) but that there are other mommies out there feeling the way that I am so I know that it is "normal" to feel this way.

Re: Guilt

This thread made me teary-eyed...Just wanted to send you all lots of hugs...

Re: Guilt

Re: Guilt

I had my daughter Ariel not even 11 months after losing my sons.. Ariel was born with Mosaic Down Syndrome and I just couldnt help to question GODs decisions..why did he take my sons and then give me a daughter that was disabled..On their first birthday in heaven I took my daughter to meet her brothers....We sat there in the snow and dug out the little vase and added our birthday balloons and pretty flowers..All the while Ariel just sat there looking up into the sky...I wished them a Happy Birthday...I asked them to take care of their baby sister..it was then that Ariel (still looking up into the sky) smiled the most beautiful smile...At that moment I understood what the whole purpose of things was...

They know we never forget...they know they are in our hearts..We never forget we just simply begin to heal.