Having a hard time letting pumping go vent-long)

I feel so ridiculous, and don't really understand why I am taking this so hard.

Breastfeeding never went well-a battle from day one. My milk supply came in very weak on day 5 pp. That same day was dd weight check where she had dropped 10%. We had to start supplementing and it was just not working out. It was a continuous battle to get her to stay on the breast anit became painful. I started pumping to try and increase my supply and also to deal with flat nipples. My supply stayed weak. I know this because the couple of times I got dd to nurse after I started pumping, she satyed on for a toal of 20 minutes and still downed a good 2-3 oz of formula.

I developed a breast infection one week after having dd. I have had cracked nipples since the very beginning. I pump several times a day, drink tons of water, eat oats, can't have fenugreek due to allergy to peanuts. On a good day was getting 12 oz. of milk. On a normal day, maybe 8-10.

DD developed a very severe case of thrush starting over the weekend. I simultaneously started running a fever, developed a pink patch on my breast, developed blisters on my nipples and started bleeding from the same nipple at one point while pumping. My production took a dip. More cracks on my nipples- they are a mess. Turns out I have thrush too.

After 4 weeks and feeling like I am working so hard for so little and now seeing my daughter so badly infected with thrush, seeing her tongue completely covered by a thick layer of white and seeing patches on her gums, the roof of her mouth, inside her lip and watching her scream and cry and bleed as they scraped the thick layer off her tongue. Dealing with the pain, itching and bleeding myself (and feeling uncomfortable and grossed out to even give her the milk- and she doesn't even seem to want it- she was spitting it out the past couple of days before I knew we both had thrush- I am not sure if thrush makes the milk taste bad, but she sure seems miserable ONLY when she is drinking it-does fine with the formula) I am almost positive it is time for me to hang up the horns and call it a day.

I am having a really hard time with this though. I never thought I would- thought if it didn't work out I would just move on and say at least I tried. I took it very badly when we couldn't get breastfeeding to work out and I am taking putting an end to the pump even worse. I feel like it is in mine and dd best interest just to move on. I did it whole heartedly with supplementation for 4 weeks and there has been no improvement.

I will be returning to work when the 6 week mark is up, which is in less than 2 weeks now. As a special needs teacher with limited time to myself during the school day, I don't know if it is truly worth battling this and going crazy trying to pump twice during the work day for 30 minutes each session just to get 2-3 oz total if I am lucky.

I am so disappointed and feel like I just can't let this go and don't understand why. In many ways I feel like a failure and like I want to do this for my dd and can't.

TIA for reading

Re: Having a hard time letting pumping go vent-long)

Giving up BFing was the toughest thing I've ever had to do. I gave up after about 3 weeks, and had been supplementing for 2 of them. I had no milk. No matter what I tried, I had none. I knew that the hours and hours of trying to BF were going nowhere and it was making me miserable.
You have to do what is best for you and your baby. And if you stopping is going to make you happy, then that is what is best for your baby.
But, I'm not going to lie to you.....it's not easy to give it up....especially when you're already emotional and hormonal. It still upsets me over 2 years later, but I know it was the best decision.

Re: Having a hard time letting pumping go vent-long)

love-you are a trooper. the more I read, I just kept saying OMG. OMG.

print out this post, put it in her baby book, and seriously, call it a day.

that's a lot to take. 4 weeks is awesome. she got your colostrum. thinks are going to look up from here.

I know its a sad thing, I went through it, but celebrate the mom that you are. Celebrate those 4 weeks, I am sure the hardest of your life.

Re: Having a hard time letting pumping go vent-long)

It's ok Bri I was the same way but looking back now at least you gave it your all and Mia got what was so important anyway. You did a great job and you will be much happier now.


Denise

Re: Having a hard time letting pumping go vent-long)

I had a really hard start and my milk never came in full force. I was trying to b/f twins, one of which was tongue tied, so couldn't latch on correctly. I basically supplemented with formula, b/f my DD and gave pumped milk to both of them for six weeks. I had to give it up after that because I was always in pain and just wasn't working out. I cried so hard because I felt like such a failure. But the thing is that I truly gave it my all and that is all that can be asked.
I believe any b/f'g is better than none. My 17 m/o twins are really healthy, so I think they had a good start. I am about to have my third baby in 2 1/2 weeks and still am mulling it over what I want to do. Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls that just was against b/f'g. It would be so much easer, but I know how good it is for the baby.
You seem to have given it a honset effort. Don't beat yourself up. Be proud at what you've done so far. You will feel a weight lifted once you stop.

Re: Having a hard time letting pumping go vent-long)

I am sorry it has been so rough for you. I admire you for trying through so much hardship.

Re: Having a hard time letting pumping go vent-long)

Bri...I pumped for 8 months and to be honest, I hated every single minute of it. I was a slave to that pump and I was too bloody minded to stop pumping. I wish I had.

If its not working for you, and you aren't happy, stop. A happy Mommy makes a happy baby! Never forget that!

Re: Having a hard time letting pumping go vent-long)

Thank you all so much. I just never expected it to be so emotionally difficult, but I never expected it to be so problematic physically for dd and myself either. You all have said such wonderful things, it really does help me deal better with the decision to start weaning from the pump . . .