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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
My friend asked me to pose this question for her...
She wants to hold her younger son back in kindergarten.
Her main reason is his age. Academically, they say he is keeping up. He had assistance this year. She fears that he will not be able to keep up in the higher grades. She also thinks that giving him an extra year will give him an edge. They held their older son back in pre - school and it was the best decision. Instead of being the youngest, he's the oldest in his class and that has given him great confidence.
She thinks if they let her younger son continue he may always need assistance. She would hate to have him repeat a year when he's older. If they hold him back now it doesn't go on his record and he won't really realize it as much as he will when he's in the higher grades.
She's looking for feedback as she is meeting with the principal. She feels strongly about holding him back but is having a difficult time getting the school to do it so she's looking for some strong reasons/arguments.
edited to add:
Just spoke to her....
His birthday is November 21. He's getting AIS for reading and fine motor skills (OT?)
Thanks for your responses & any additional insight you have!
Message edited 4/14/2010 4:08:08 PM.
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Posted 4/14/10 11:22 AM  |
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zuzuspetals
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/07 812 total posts
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
If academically he is keeping up then I see no reason why he should be held back at all. When I read the title of the post, I expected to read about academic and social difficulties ... If this was the case, my recommendation would have been to hold him back and advocate for that as much as possible. Being a teacher, I see kids get pushed through who are suffering so much academically and socially. However, I really think your friend wants her children to be held back for the wrong reasons. She is going to have to come up with some serious reasons to defend this position. Regretfully, if she fights hard enough she will get her way.
I am not judging your friend by the way. I know she is trying to do what is right for her son but I just feel like she is restraining him whereas she needs to encourage him.
All children are different. Of course being the older child in the class may have a positive impact on a childs self esteem but that perception is warped in my honest opinion. This is similar to what *some schoolds* do to the athletes down south ... hold them back so they will be bigger, stronger, older, etc. the next year and can be a better athlete and compete against less advanced players.
Message edited 4/14/2010 12:24:24 PM.
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| Posted 4/14/10 12:21 PM |
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zuzuspetals
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/07 812 total posts
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
*Just for the record, please know that I am an advocate of holding children over earlier rather than later. If I misunderstood your post and the child is suffering than I think he should be held over. It just was not apparent that he was struggling ... it seems as if he is just not one of the oldest in the class. Also, you mentioned he needs assistance but I do not know a child in Kindergarten who does not need assistance.
Hope this is helpful!
Best of luck to your friend!
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| Posted 4/14/10 12:26 PM |
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Shorty
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Member since 5/05 30390 total posts
Name:
really
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
I think it depends on the child's maturity.
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| Posted 4/14/10 12:38 PM |
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kerrycec03
Mom of 2 beautiful boys!!
Member since 6/06 13519 total posts
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Kerry
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
Posted by zuzuspetals
If academically he is keeping up then I see no reason why he should be held back at all. When I read the title of the post, I expected to read about academic and social difficulties ... If this was the case, my recommendation would have been to hold him back and advocate for that as much as possible. Being a teacher, I see kids get pushed through who are suffering so much academically and socially. However, I really think your friend wants her children to be held back for the wrong reasons. She is going to have to come up with some serious reasons to defend this position. Regretfully, if she fights hard enough she will get her way.
I am not judging your friend by the way. I know she is trying to do what is right for her son but I just feel like she is restraining him whereas she needs to encourage him.
All children are different. Of course being the older child in the class may have a positive impact on a childs self esteem but that perception is warped in my honest opinion. This is similar to what *some schoolds* do to the athletes down south ... hold them back so they will be bigger, stronger, older, etc. the next year and can be a better athlete and compete against less advanced players.
I don't know the whole story nor am I a expert in the field, but I agree with the above poster. If academically he is doing fine and the school isn't concerned, I'm confused as to why this would be something your friend would want to push for.
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| Posted 4/14/10 12:39 PM |
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SweetTooth
I'm a tired mommy!
Member since 12/05 20105 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
If he is doing well academically, I don't think she has much of an argument for holding him back.
How much younger is he?
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| Posted 4/14/10 1:13 PM |
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Bridex100
Two Under Two Mommy
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Momx100
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
I see no reason to hold the child back if he is doing fine academically.
If the child was in pre-k and not ready for formal kindergarten, that would be when I would hold a child back. If he already entered kindergarten and is doing ok, I don't think the child should repeat kindergarten. JMO.
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| Posted 4/14/10 1:31 PM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
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Karen
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
Do you know what kind of "assistance" he was receiving? Was it something formalized - like OT, speech, etc? I think that would go a long way in her argument.
Personally, I think if the child is doing fine academcially and socially (maturity) I see no reason to hold him back. To hold him back "for an edge", is not a valid reason, IMO.
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| Posted 4/14/10 2:31 PM |
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Pray4Baby2010
<3 Cutest Giants Fan
Member since 10/09 5796 total posts
Name:
MB
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
Sorry to crash- but my sister was held back in first grade because she scored low on standardized testing. I have to say, I still remember how devastated she was- she cried for days- I was probably only about 10 myself at the time and I will never forget how upset she was- and if you bring it up- at 29- she can still recall how upsetting it was.
yes, it did work out well for her- she made new friends and had friends in both grades but I know if she had to choose, she would have preferred to stay where she was in school.
Hers was a had-to-happen situation- while in your friend's case it sounds like he is doing well in school. Can they just continue to closely monitor their son and then if it becomes necessary make that decision?
Good luck to your friend 
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| Posted 4/14/10 2:40 PM |
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cjik
Welcome 2010!
Member since 2/06 8879 total posts
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
Not sure how to respond. Is her child receiving special services and just squeaking by? And is his birthday towards the cut-off date? If so, I would probably hold back, it might upset him now, but it's better now than later when it would really embarass him. My cousin held her son back in Kindergarten-the school was willing to pass him along to the next grade, but she felt he was immature and having trouble with too many things. He also lacked confidence. The next year, he did so much better, and she said he was much more confident over time. His birthday was near the cut-off date for his age, so he probably wasn't quite ready.
If he received some after-school help and has no developmental delays, seems socially adept and enjoys school, then going forward is probably okay.
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| Posted 4/14/10 3:30 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend
Just spoke to her....
His birthday is November 21. He's getting AIS for reading and fine motor skills (OT?)
Thanks for your responses & any additional insight you have!
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| Posted 4/14/10 4:07 PM |
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jes81276
summer fun!
Member since 3/06 4962 total posts
Name:
Jaime
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
TO be honest, I don't think there is much of a leg to stand on. I know that my principal would never agree to just hold a child back because of age....this conversation should have been had before the child entered kindergarten....in my school there is usually a discussion if it is a late birthday about the possibility of holding a child out of kindergaretn for an extra year.
I don't think a parent can just decide to hold a kid back, I'm not positive, but I'[m pretty sure. Also, OT and AIS services are minimal compared to the extent of services that are offered. There is no reason to keep him back based on those services.
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| Posted 4/14/10 5:08 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
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Me
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
Posted by jes81276
TO be honest, I don't think there is much of a leg to stand on. I know that my principal would never agree to just hold a child back because of age....this conversation should have been had before the child entered kindergarten....in my school there is usually a discussion if it is a late birthday about the possibility of holding a child out of kindergaretn for an extra year.
I don't think a parent can just decide to hold a kid back, I'm not positive, but I'[m pretty sure. Also, OT and AIS services are minimal compared to the extent of services that are offered. There is no reason to keep him back based on those services.
ITA. As a taxpayer and educator, i do not support parents holding children back without the support of the district.  It's OUR money paying for his additional year, and unless it is absolutely necessary, I don't support the decision.
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| Posted 4/14/10 5:14 PM |
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2girlsforme
LIF Adult
Member since 8/06 3071 total posts
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XXXXXXXXX
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
Posted by nov04libride
Posted by jes81276
TO be honest, I don't think there is much of a leg to stand on. I know that my principal would never agree to just hold a child back because of age....this conversation should have been had before the child entered kindergarten....in my school there is usually a discussion if it is a late birthday about the possibility of holding a child out of kindergaretn for an extra year.
I don't think a parent can just decide to hold a kid back, I'm not positive, but I'[m pretty sure. Also, OT and AIS services are minimal compared to the extent of services that are offered. There is no reason to keep him back based on those services.
ITA. As a taxpayer and educator, i do not support parents holding children back without the support of the district. It's OUR money paying for his additional year, and unless it is absolutely necessary, I don't support the decision.
I know this is the way it would go down in my district as well.
However, he is a boy which I think makes a difference and he just makes the cutoff in most LI districts.
If I were in your friend's shoes I would hold him back, or at least push the district to do so. There will never be an easier time to retain him and frankly I see no down side at all. If he continues to need help he would have needed more help in the next grade and if he doesn't then she made the right decision.
In terms of social embarrassment he really is to young to be embarrassed. I wouldn't make a deal about it and just explain that he will be in class X next year.
In this part of the country, I think we tend to forget that in most other areas, the kindergarten cut off date is anywhere from May 1 through Sep 1.
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| Posted 4/14/10 8:40 PM |
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twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥
Member since 11/07 10116 total posts
Name:
Gabi
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
One of my BFFs has a Nov 26th DD and held her back for a year before starting kindergarten. She says it is the best thing she did! I suspect since your friend's DS did well enough to pass, the school doesn't want to spend the money on him repeating the year again.  I would tell her to keep fighting until she gets her way. She knows her child better than any adminstrator would. Good luck to her! 
ETA: If your friend lives in NYS, she could always not send her DS to 1st grade until a year later (though that wouldn't really give him extra help) or send him to an alternate (private) kindergarten if the school does not budge on allowing him to redo the year.
Message edited 4/14/2010 8:49:12 PM.
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| Posted 4/14/10 8:45 PM |
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browneyedgirl
family is all that matters
Member since 6/06 6513 total posts
Name:
browneyes
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
Posted by nov04libride
ITA. As a taxpayer and educator, i do not support parents holding children back without the support of the district. It's OUR money paying for his additional year, and unless it is absolutely necessary, I don't support the decision.
being a taxpayer has nothing to do with how i would feel about a parent doing what they feel is right for their child. it will affect their child's entire life and is a big decision to make and should not be taken lightly. i don't consider that a waste of money at all.
that being said, and based solely on what you said here, i absolutely would not hold him back. the only time you hold a child back in kindergarten is for extreme immaturity--we're talking significantly behind his peers. many times, that immaturity affects the academics as well.
reading, or any AIS services, in kindergarten is honestly not a big deal. that wouldn't even figure in my decision as a parent. OT is something that won't be "cured" by another year in K. if he has OT difficulties, he may have them for many years. many children have fine motor difficulties, but since he qualifies for OT, it is more than the average child. but again, that would have no bearing on my decision to hold my child back.
is he getting mandated OT services, or OT improvement?
holding him back won't give him an edge. the only "edge" he'd get is that he'd mature a year. over time, by middle school at the latest, he will have averaged out with his peers and maturity, or lack of it, will be on par with the kids in his grade. if he is holding his own academically, i hope, based on SOLELY the reasons stated, they do not hold this child back.
of course though, this mother knows her child best. she must have strong reasons for such an important decision. i just hope she really thinks things through. being a child held back is NEVER easy--the other kids know about it, and they will always know he's a year older. that alone is hard for a kid.
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| Posted 4/14/10 9:00 PM |
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JennB
My princess <3
Member since 5/09 2473 total posts
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Jenn
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
From a literacy teacher's piont of view, if he is struggling with reading now and they push him ahead, it will only get worse. This is a critical time. Statistics show that the learning gap increases significantly over time, but with early intervention, the gap will become smaller. IMHO, if he is getting AIS for reading, he can't keep up academically and would benefit from being held back now, rather than later
ETA: My DD was born on Dec. 28 and this is a huge concern for me. Another teacher I work with has a DD who is in 6th grade and her birthday is also in Dec. She says her daughter excels academically but struggles socially. In her case, she is happy with her decision.
Also, I don't think this should be an issue with taxpayer money, but if you look at it that way holding a stuggling student back in the early elementary years will most likely save taxpayer $ later on bc it is most likely the child won't need intervention services later on
Message edited 4/14/2010 9:22:26 PM.
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| Posted 4/14/10 9:18 PM |
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megsm3
Life is Good!!
Member since 8/06 3867 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
He has a late birthday and he is getting assistance now, so I would opt to hold him back. I think it would benefit him in the long run.
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| Posted 4/14/10 9:28 PM |
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Michmouse
LIF Adult
Member since 11/07 1260 total posts
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
When kids feel successful they are successful.....Thiis is the"magic formula" that I use with my own students. When a child lacks confidence due to maturity or ability, it is reflective in their behavior and performance. Every single time.
The whole taxpayer issue is a non-issue as far as I am concerned. A decision was made to send him to school and everyone hoped for the best. IT doesn't seem that he is ready to move on and money should never be a determining factor in this type of situation. This child is likely to have difficulties all through school is he is not ready to move ahead and is pushed to do so.
Best of Luck!
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| Posted 4/14/10 10:06 PM |
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cjik
Welcome 2010!
Member since 2/06 8879 total posts
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
Honestly, I am surprised so many are for pushing this child ahead. From the information given, it sounds as if he'll do quite well if he has a little more time to grow, mature, and add to his skill set. Given that his birthday is quite close to the Dec. 1st cut-off and he needs services to keep up, it doesn't seem extreme at all.
If you want to look at this as a taxpayer issue, think about all the money this child may wind up costing the community over time if he is pushed ahead before he is ready, he may wind up costing the community much more money in the long run. If school districts really are pushing children ahead in order to keep immediate costs down, that worries me.
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| Posted 4/15/10 4:23 PM |
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Michmouse
LIF Adult
Member since 11/07 1260 total posts
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
Posted by cjik
Honestly, I am surprised so many are for pushing this child ahead. From the information given, it sounds as if he'll do quite well if he has a little more time to grow, mature, and add to his skill set. Given that his birthday is quite close to the Dec. 1st cut-off and he needs services to keep up, it doesn't seem extreme at all.
If you want to look at this as a taxpayer issue, think about all the money this child may wind up costing the community over time if he is pushed ahead before he is ready, he may wind up costing the community much more money in the long run. If school districts really are pushing children ahead in order to keep immediate costs down, that worries me.
So true....Do you know it costs far more to send a child to BOCES than it does to Harvard!
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| Posted 4/15/10 4:40 PM |
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jgl
Love my little boys!!!
Member since 8/07 7060 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: Holding your kid back in school - Help for a friend - added add'l info
Posted by JennB
From a literacy teacher's piont of view, if he is struggling with reading now and they push him ahead, it will only get worse. This is a critical time. Statistics show that the learning gap increases significantly over time, but with early intervention, the gap will become smaller. IMHO, if he is getting AIS for reading, he can't keep up academically and would benefit from being held back now, rather than later
As a first grade teacher I agree. Im not saying she SHOULD hold him over, but if he is recieving AIS support he is struggling. But this shouldnt be the only factor in consideration. I think ths should be a decision that should be made with the teachers who are working with the child and the parent.
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| Posted 4/15/10 5:39 PM |
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