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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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How do i keep my mouth shut?
One of my best friends just turned 40. His fiance is younger than I am (maybe 23?). She's also a young 23 imo. She met him and she was in college, she dropped out, and does from temp job to temp job while he works his azz off. He actually claim she's had these jobs, but everytime i talk to her she's unemployed and sleeping all day. She has no degree. He's working his azz off, they bought a house, and for awhile she was "playing the house wife." Now she's talking about hos she's all frustrated and thinking of leaving because it's so hard the financial situation is tough.
I really have nothing positive to say about her. I told him she should get off her azz, take any job and go to school at night. She has no right to complain about finances or say she's frustrated if she's not working.
I also just think she's too young for him. He's a young 40 in a lot of ways..he's very playful, etc. But I think she's a young 23. Even if a 40 y/o and a 23 y/o could work, I don't think this si the case where it would. And he's never seemed passonate about her, it;'s always problems from Day 1. I just think he's 40 and feels old and grateful to have a fiancee.
Maybe I'm wrong..but I can't act all happy for him. I have to be realistic.
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Posted 2/12/08 11:16 AM  |
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MetsGirl07
LIF O2 Vendor
Member since 12/07 16202 total posts
Name:
Deanna
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
wow... it sounds like she is an immature 23 yr old... she should at least get a job in retail.. or waitressing...SOMETHING!!
it would be hard to shut my mouth... you dont want him to make a big mistake if she is going to be lazy...
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| Posted 2/12/08 11:19 AM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
I think this is why we don't talk as much. he's never seemed to get angry with me, and agrees a lot of the time, but I'm sure he doesn't want to hear it. i try to avoid talking about her...but when he tells me she's frustrated about finances but she's in bed sleeping at 11am that pizzes me off.
I said "Is she looking for a husband or a sugar daddy?"
I feel bad, but I hate this girl and he can do soooo much better. I'm sure it feels good to be 40 and have a 23 y/o fiancee, but I also think it makes him nervous that she's going to leave him for someone younger and richer.
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| Posted 2/12/08 11:24 AM |
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MetsGirl07
LIF O2 Vendor
Member since 12/07 16202 total posts
Name:
Deanna
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
yea i agree to what you are saying... he seems that he is comfortable right now and thinking (yay i have a 23yr old)
and doesnt want to go out in the dating world again... i see this happen so much ... that people will just stay with someone just because they are "comfortable" and dont want to start over again
with that said... if you are really good friends with him , i would try to talk some sense into him.. he seems like a hard working guy.. he doesnt deserve this.. not if she is helping out in the least bit
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| Posted 2/12/08 11:28 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
I would MYOB.
#1 - Unless you've faked it all along, he knows how you feel.
#2 - He's not going to change his mind based on your opinion if he hasn't already.
#3 - It's his mistake to make.
You never know the full story about what goes on behind closed doors.
I know I wouldn't want to talk to someone who had nothing but negative things to say about someone I loved (for whatever reason - makes me feel young, needed, etc). Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you deal with him saying negative things about your FH? Even if they had a grain of truth to it?
So to answer your question, how do you keep your mouth shut...you just do it. If you want to keep the friendship & he wants this relationship to work, you need to root for whatever it is that he does want.
Message edited 2/12/2008 11:46:03 AM.
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| Posted 2/12/08 11:45 AM |
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Emily
Kasey & Me! Lurves it!
Member since 7/06 8703 total posts
Name:
STBHC
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
As hard as it may seem, it is not your place to say anything. Bite your tongue and smile, that is it. Is it worth losing a friendship over a stupid relationship?
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| Posted 2/12/08 11:48 AM |
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Laura1976
Member since 5/05 5754 total posts
Name:
Laura
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
DH says to use this rule of thumb:
half your age plus 7, thats as young as you can go!
so if your 30 its ok to date a 22 year old, if your 40 you can date a 27 year old.
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| Posted 2/12/08 12:04 PM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
I know I should probably smile and nod more, but I can't. I do try to be supportive. i tell him the truth and how I see things, but I also suggest things that may help like therapy, or her getting a job so so she feels less powerless. I want him to be happy, and the biggest part is that i don't think he's happy with her.
He has always told me the truth about how he feels about things with my FH though in same supportive way. I just feel bad because I know inside I sooo want to tell him he's making a huge mistake and she's a big baby who is mooching off of him, and yes, might leave him in a heartbeat for a younger, richer guy.
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| Posted 2/12/08 12:05 PM |
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MamaMia
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/07 886 total posts
Name:
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
Posted by nrthshgrl
I would MYOB.
#1 - Unless you've faked it all along, he knows how you feel.
#2 - He's not going to change his mind based on your opinion if he hasn't already.
#3 - It's his mistake to make.
You never know the full story about what goes on behind closed doors.
I know I wouldn't want to talk to someone who had nothing but negative things to say about someone I loved (for whatever reason - makes me feel young, needed, etc). Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you deal with him saying negative things about your FH? Even if they had a grain of truth to it?
So to answer your question, how do you keep your mouth shut...you just do it. If you want to keep the friendship & he wants this relationship to work, you need to root for whatever it is that he does want.
What she said 
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:19 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
Posted by nrthshgrl
I would MYOB.
#1 - Unless you've faked it all along, he knows how you feel.
#2 - He's not going to change his mind based on your opinion if he hasn't already.
#3 - It's his mistake to make.
You never know the full story about what goes on behind closed doors.
I know I wouldn't want to talk to someone who had nothing but negative things to say about someone I loved (for whatever reason - makes me feel young, needed, etc). Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you deal with him saying negative things about your FH? Even if they had a grain of truth to it?
So to answer your question, how do you keep your mouth shut...you just do it. If you want to keep the friendship & he wants this relationship to work, you need to root for whatever it is that he does want.
ITA!
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:22 PM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
It helps if I can vent here what a loser I think she is, so then I can be more peppy and cheery with said friend 
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:24 PM |
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
I have a question, if this woman were also 40 but still behaved the same way, would you have a problem with it? I would think Yes.
So really, age doesn't have anything to do with it. Oh yea, I should probably mention that when we started dating Kevin had just turned 40 and I was 23. That was 3.5 years ago, not a lifetime, but I'd venture to say we're "making it". To me that "divide by 2 and add 7" rule really doesn't hold any ground because you shouldn't let mathematics determine your happiness.
Now, back to my point. Since this woman is so immature (and we can certainly find immature 40 y/o men AND women so again age isn't the issue) you could talk to your friend about how you are concerned for him because of how she is using him and how it hurts you to see him like this. Don't bring their age difference up because that clearly isn't the reason why this isn't a healthy relationship.
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:35 PM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin
I have a question, if this woman were also 40 but still behaved the same way, would you have a problem with it? I would think Yes.
So really, age doesn't have anything to do with it. Oh yea, I should probably mention that when we started dating Kevin had just turned 40 and I was 23. That was 3.5 years ago, not a lifetime, but I'd venture to say we're "making it". To me that "divide by 2 and add 7" rule really doesn't hold any ground because you shouldn't let mathematics determine your happiness.
Now, back to my point. Since this woman is so immature (and we can certainly find immature 40 y/o men AND women so again age isn't the issue) you could talk to your friend about how you are concerned for him because of how she is using him and how it hurts you to see him like this. Don't bring their age difference up because that clearly isn't the reason why this isn't a healthy relationship.
If she were a mature 23 y/o, maybe with a degree, a career, actual life goals, then I wouldn't feel the same way about it. I'd be concerned, but if they seemed to be working it out, it would be fine. He told me the age thing was coming up. She just acts young. he's in a place where he's been around the block (been engaged before and of course many relationships), and really truly wants to settle down. I just don't see her doing that. She's already failing to make a commitment by letting him struggle and work 60 hours a week while she occasionally drifts into a no-future temp job.
Let's face, there's a big difference between the outlook for most 23 year olds and most 40 year olds. Is it insurmountable? No. Can it work in many cases? Of course. I judt don't see this is as the case and i think age is a HUGE factor in this relationship. If she were 40 and acting that way it would be a lot WORSE because you expect a 40 year old to be mature. A lot of 23 year olds are still in party mode and not ready to settle down. I see it with a lot of friends who are my age (25), I feel like they are 10 years younger than I am. If she were in a relationship with another 23 year old, I don't think these things would matter. But he's 40 and truly feels like his clock is ticking, and she just seems to be on a whim here, which is fine for a 23 y/o, but doesn't work so well at 40.
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:41 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
Posted by JenniferEver
..... a career, actual life goals, then I wouldn't feel the same way about it.
Jen- these were issues that you were having in your own relationship. I'm not saying it to throw in your face at all, but to point out that it wasn't too long ago that you were defending how your FH may appear to people, but that you have more faith in him. I would think that, given what you guys have been through, that you of all people would be the one to give the benefit of the doubt.. and certainly not judge them.
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:46 PM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
Posted by neenie
Posted by JenniferEver
..... a career, actual life goals, then I wouldn't feel the same way about it.
Jen- these were issues that you were having in your own relationship. I'm not saying it to throw in your face at all, but to point out that it wasn't too long ago that you were defending how your FH may appear to people, but that you have more faith in him. I would think that, given what you guys have been through, that you of all people would be the one to give the benefit of the doubt.. and certainly not judge them.
Like I said, I want him to be happy, and I am generally supportive although I occasionally say things like I said today "Really she should get off her *** and get a job, or she can't complain about $$."
And I also said "Are you sure you both really want to get married to one another, or is it just that you want to get married?"
but this was after he expressed doubts to me.
I've never met her and I'm sure there's a lot there, and if he does end up marrying her I will be there with bells on. Which is why I am trying so hard to keep my mouth shut and bytching on here instead of to him.
And actually it's BECAUSE I've ben through so much with my FH that I have such a critical eye. I know how difficult these decisions can be, and I want him to make sure he's making them with both eyes open.
I don't want to hate on her or judge her, but I really just don't want my friend to be hurt. 
ETA: I also think there's a difference between having goals and not being able to achieve them, and not having goals at all.
Message edited 2/12/2008 1:53:59 PM.
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:51 PM |
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JTK
my 4 boys!
Member since 6/06 7396 total posts
Name:
Kristi
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
Posted by MamaMia
Posted by nrthshgrl
I would MYOB.
#1 - Unless you've faked it all along, he knows how you feel.
#2 - He's not going to change his mind based on your opinion if he hasn't already.
#3 - It's his mistake to make.
You never know the full story about what goes on behind closed doors.
I know I wouldn't want to talk to someone who had nothing but negative things to say about someone I loved (for whatever reason - makes me feel young, needed, etc). Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you deal with him saying negative things about your FH? Even if they had a grain of truth to it?
So to answer your question, how do you keep your mouth shut...you just do it. If you want to keep the friendship & he wants this relationship to work, you need to root for whatever it is that he does want.
What she said
i have to agree as well!
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:53 PM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
Oh also when I said I have nothing but negative things to say about her, I didn't mean that I always say negative things to him, but that my opinion of her is negative overall, and I don't see the redeeming qualities, but that could also be his fault too for mainly telling me the negatives over the years.
ETA: When he tells me she's complaining about finances but doesn't ahve a job, how do i say something positive? I tried to offer suggestions, but then again she has no degree, so it makes it difficult. So I said "yes, that can make it very difficult. Maybe she should get whatevr job she can get for now and go to school at night" but I feel like I'm coming off as judgemental/negative because in my values it's very important to go to college and have a career. I really do TRY not to be negative...which is why i started this thread...
Maybe I can change the subject more successfully next time!
Message edited 2/12/2008 1:59:30 PM.
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:56 PM |
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
Posted by JenniferEver
But he's 40 and truly feels like his clock is ticking, and she just seems to be on a whim here, which is fine for a 23 y/o, but doesn't work so well at 40.
Then THIS is what you should talk to him about, ask him if they've discussed their future. Or better yet, while she's complaining to you about their finances, be bold and talk to HER about what her intentions are.
Believe me I know there's a large age difference and if Kevin and I were not in the same place with wanting to get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. we wouldn't have continued the relationship. You're right, it would be worse if she were also 40; which is why her age isn't the problem, her maturity level is.
It sounds like you've already addressed this with your friend and he's not going to change his mind, I think you have 2 choices:
a) Grin and bear it, which means you don't ever bring up how you don't like her unless he specifically comes out and asks for your opinion.
or
b) Tell him that you just can't sit by and watch him do this and you can't remain friends with someone who would do something so hurtful to themselves.
Good luck!!  I hope he sees the light, I really do!!
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| Posted 2/12/08 1:58 PM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: How do i keep my mouth shut?
Thanks Cindy!
I am not going to break up the friendship over it. Ultimately I am not living with him 24/7, so I don't have to live his life and if she can truly make him happy, then I am so happy for him. The problem is that I doubt this. But it is his decision and I will support him. I don't want to start an all out campaign against his marriage. I want to just be able to be happy for him and call it a day.
I think it's her job situation that bothers me the most. How can you complain about finances but not work to get a job? (and yes I did go through this with my FH when he was depressed after being laid off and not working hard enough to find a new job).
In the end I will support him in whatever he chooses. It's not constructive for me to like boycott the wedding or even to go so far as to tell him he's making a mistake. Ultimately iyt's his decision, and who knows, maybe they will be very happy together. I hope that's the case.
I do WANT to keep my mouth shut..but you ALL know that is very hard for me.
Message edited 2/12/2008 2:08:09 PM.
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| Posted 2/12/08 2:06 PM |
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