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Kara
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how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
My SIL (lives OOS) is living apart from her husband currently (with their 3-year old son). The entire thing is very long, involved, and sketchy, but it is what it is. She has a separate apartment, but it seems like they're still speaking, etc... If he deals with his alcoholism there may be room for reconciliation - no one really knows where it stands or what is going on right now. Now... we're not seeing them for Christmas, but we're going to send gifts, of course. (Or we might see them one weekend around Christmas - don't know yet...)
So, we DO exchange with his sister's entire family normally. This year, we'll of course still buy for SIL and our nephew living with her. Her husband has a teenage son from a previous marriage who is currently living with him.... so who do we buy for? Last year, we bought for everyone. This year, I'd normally say we wouldn't be buying something for her husband, but what about her stepson / our step-nephew? And if we buy for him, do we still exclude the husband?
I was of course originally thinking we'd send a gift to the teenage son... but honestly, now I'm not so sure if that would be weird or not.
I'm guessing DH will ask his mom about this sometime soon... but any thoughts in the meantime?
I'm not looking to get out of buying presents. If anything, I'm looking to not fuel this drama any more. It's not something we'd be comfortable bringing up with SIL herself. (She and I aren't really close and she and DH don't speak much -- no tension there, they just aren't that close...)
ETA - Since we don't exchange with my siblings (just kids in our family), I was going to suggest anyway this year that we ONLY buy f or the kids / parents... I figured this would be well-received since now neither of DH's sisters has that much money to spend... That would take care of the husband, but I'm not sure about the son. I'm inclined, of course, to buy a present, but I don't know if that would be weird. Guess we'll have to see what my MIL says about all this...
Thanks!
Message edited 11/14/2007 12:58:45 PM.
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Posted 11/14/07 12:56 PM  |
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Reese32
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Member since 7/07 3631 total posts
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
In whatever arrangement you decide, I would include your SIL's stepson. They're not divorced yet, right? If they end up reconciling, and are together next year, it will be very obvious to your step-nephew that he was left out. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but as the wife of a step-child, I know how hard it is, and how at times he feels very "un-included." For this year, anyway, I would still let this boy know he's part of the family.
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| Posted 11/14/07 1:02 PM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
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They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
Thanks! That was my initial thought (as I stated in my post above). I just seriously fear that no matter what we do, it'll be the wrong thing. 
It's my strong preference to send the kid a present, of course, but I just worry ANYTHING we do or don't do will cause friction. I guess if it will cause friction either way, we may as well send the gift like we want to.
We did send a bday gift recently -- before we were informed what had happened. (We'd have sent it anyway, of course) -- Never got a thank you or even an acknowledgement that it came. I AM hoping it made its way to him, though.
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| Posted 11/14/07 1:16 PM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
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They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
Posted by Reese32
In whatever arrangement you decide, I would include your SIL's stepson. They're not divorced yet, right? If they end up reconciling, and are together next year, it will be very obvious to your step-nephew that he was left out. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but as the wife of a step-child, I know how hard it is, and how at times he feels very "un-included." For this year, anyway, I would still let this boy know he's part of the family.
BTW, that wasn't harsh at all! 
Like I said, we love sending gifts. We are just trying to stay OUT of the drama as much as possible here...
I think you're right, though, and no matter what anyone else does, we should still send a gift at the very least to our (step)nephew.
Message edited 11/14/2007 1:23:43 PM.
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| Posted 11/14/07 1:23 PM |
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LSP2005
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Member since 5/05 19458 total posts
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L
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
I would send something to the boy - I am sure with all that is going on in his life it would be really nice for him to know that he is still loved...
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| Posted 11/14/07 1:29 PM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
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They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
Posted by LSP2005
I would send something to the boy - I am sure with all that is going on in his life it would be really nice for him to know that he is still loved...
Yes, another excellent point. You're totally right. Thank you.
It shouldn't matter if it causes drama. We'll do what we feel is the right thing to do.
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| Posted 11/14/07 1:33 PM |
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JandJ1224
Member since 6/06 5911 total posts
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Jannette
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
I would say it would depend on your relationship with the stepson. If you are somewhat close and think of him as your nephew then I would send him a card with a gift. it is not his fault that his dad and step mom are sepearting and I don't think it is fair to punish him. I do think it is very nice for you to be thinking about him as the original poster mentioned sometimes "steps" can be left out.
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| Posted 11/14/07 1:36 PM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
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They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
Posted by JandJ1224
I would say it would depend on your relationship with the stepson. If you are somewhat close and think of him as your nephew then I would send him a card with a gift. it is not his fault that his dad and step mom are sepearting and I don't think it is fair to punish him. I do think it is very nice for you to be thinking about him as the original poster mentioned sometimes "steps" can be left out.
Thanks!
My Dh and his siblings are not what I consider close - they don't speak to each other except on rare occaisions. No tension or ill-will - they just don't keep in touch for whatever reason. (I've tried, even though they're spead out all over the country, but they just don't keep in touch or seem to want to keep in touch except to see each other near the holidays.) That said, that's not the kid's fault, and I've always considered him as our nephew even though we're not close to his family.
We'll send a gift. We weren't ever intending to punish him by any stretch, or even to leave him out. Like I said, initially, I planned to send a gift. I think the only reason I had second thoughts was fear of that causing drama to escalate between my BIL and SIL. From the little I've heard, even little things can set off my BIL. That was my main concern, I guess.
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| Posted 11/14/07 1:42 PM |
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dgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/07 1079 total posts
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Danielle
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
We do gifts for all kids on DH's side and then secret santa amongst the adults. (there are just so many of us) If your SIL's are having financial issues I think your suggestion of just buying for the kids would be great.
Regarding the stepson, I would say to do as the above posters said and send the gift unless your MIL explicitly says not to as she might have more first hand knowledge of the situation and know if it will set the BIL off or make things sticky for your SIL.
Good luck!
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| Posted 11/14/07 1:49 PM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
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They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
Posted by dgirl
We do gifts for all kids on DH's side and then secret santa amongst the adults. (there are just so many of us) If your SIL's are having financial issues I think your suggestion of just buying for the kids would be great.
Regarding the stepson, I would say to do as the above posters said and send the gift unless your MIL explicitly says not to as she might have more first hand knowledge of the situation and know if it will set the BIL off or make things sticky for your SIL.
Good luck!
Thanks to you, too! 
I think you are right - unless we are warned that it will make things bad to send a gift, we will. I'm sure my MIL has more information.
It's such an unfortunate situation, so I just want to do the right thing while also doing no harm...
We used to do a SS in my family - then it just got ridiculous and we just buy for the kids. (There are sooooo many of them) and our parents. Of course, we are the only ones without kids in my family, so we get hosed. 
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| Posted 11/14/07 1:53 PM |
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dgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/07 1079 total posts
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Danielle
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
Us too, and on my side I am older than all the kids and the only married one, for that matter, the only one out of the house! Everybody thinks of themselves as kids so we get cool presents for everyone, but I've noticed that I am now in the "adult" club so we get like a card, maybe some candy, and a biiiiig hug and kiss for the awesome present we bought them!
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| Posted 11/14/07 2:01 PM |
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dpli
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D
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Re: how to deal with this gift-giving "situation" this holiday season...
I still consider my brother's stepson my nephew, even though he is divorced, but I am close with my brother and do have a relationship with my nephew as well.
If he is a teenager, why not send a gift card? That way if anyone is upset about you sending a gift, it could easily be returned to you. I would just hate to see the kid suffer because of all the drama the parents are going through. He will remember your kind actions, regardless of how his parents might react and I think that is what is important.
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| Posted 11/14/07 2:25 PM |
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