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bunnyluck
LIF Adult
Member since 1/14 3196 total posts
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
All I can say is if you were my SIL, I would totally understand and support your decision. People seem to forget that family, consideration, and respect is a two way street. I'd work with you, rather than hold a grudge. Can't you still be a bridesmaid even if you can't make the ceremony. Would it really be the end of the world if you can't make it? It's not like you don't have a legit reason.... Personally, id still announce you as a BM. I mean it's your career and it's important to you and it sounds like you're in a bad predicament. The last id want is for my wedding to cause my SIL stress. Part of being a family is understanding that. Talk to your SIL and voice your concerns. You sound like your a good person with good intentions, if she's the same, I'm sure she'll understand.
Message edited 8/3/2015 9:40:22 PM.
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Posted 8/3/15 9:38 PM  |
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bunnyluck
LIF Adult
Member since 1/14 3196 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work.
So if she loses her job, so be it right?
Will the family be able to support her?
You get only one family. There are other jobs. IMHO, of course.
Doesnt family first work both ways. If this is your logic than shouldn't her SIL understand her predicament????
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| Posted 8/3/15 9:44 PM |
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itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I can see this from both sides SORT of. I don't think that the Bride is "selfish" in any way shape or form. It's her day, she gets to do WHATEVER she wants IMO. With that said, I do think she needs to recognize that with the day/time chosen, some people won't be able to come. It kind of goes both ways - totally her call as to day/time but, then, she has to accept that given it's a work day and in the middle of the day - some people just won't be able to come.
Now with that said, I think given the poster is IN the bridal party and this is her SIL - she should have at least TRIED to be there. I don't think she should sacrifice her career to be there, no. BUT, she didn't even TRY. She could have very easily said to the principal "listen, I want to run this by you yadda yadda yadda." I'm not a teacher but, I have plenty of friends/family and get how the climate is. That said, the OP didn't even TRY to run it by and feel out the principal. And, I think it's pretty clear from all the posts and the OP that it is a selfish choice on her part - that she wants this option in her back pocket in case she needs it for her OWN reasons - she doesn't deem SIL ceremony worth it and wants to keep the run by scenario for another time.
I know this is all theoretical now since I see that OP already did what she wanted to do. Personally, I think it is a little selfish and one sided on part of OP and she will be lucky if there are no hard feelings from IL's side.
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| Posted 8/3/15 9:55 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by RainyDay
Posted by EatingMyVeggies
If you do that, you risk people not being able to get off work.
Yes we all get that you risk having people not being able to attend if you have it at an off hour however I would never expect my sister or brother to not even try to get off. Its one thing if they tried and were told no but I'd be a little upset if they didn't even attempt.
But this is not the brides' sister. It's her brother's wife. Big difference
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| Posted 8/3/15 10:11 PM |
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Serendipity
Summer!
Member since 4/07 7631 total posts
Name:
PrayingWishingHopingALOT
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by eroxgirl
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
I think putting a roof over my children's head is more important than my SILs feelings about me standing next to her in church on a Friday afternoon.
Exactly!!!
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| Posted 8/4/15 8:12 AM |
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Serendipity
Summer!
Member since 4/07 7631 total posts
Name:
PrayingWishingHopingALOT
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by JennP
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
But "family first" is not that simple.
Life is just not that black and white.
Certain things, yes - like heaven forbid my son was ill and I had to take him to a certain specialist, I would say that as his mother I would want to be there and let the chips fall where they may.
Other than grave situations.... I don't know. Everyone has to do what they have to do.
One could argue she is putting her own family first, KWIM?
This! That is how I feel
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| Posted 8/4/15 8:13 AM |
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Serendipity
Summer!
Member since 4/07 7631 total posts
Name:
PrayingWishingHopingALOT
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by MarisaK
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
Because there is a difference between not taking a day off for the wedding b/c you're saving it to go on a vacation, and not taking a day off for the wedding b/c it may significantly hurt your career. And, as a teacher on LI, there is absolutely NOT always 'another job' .........
Sometimes in life you have no other choice but to be practical. It's not always as simple as as 'family comes first' - ..........
Agree!!!
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| Posted 8/4/15 8:14 AM |
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marianne13
LIF Adolescent
Member since 6/10 887 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work.
So if she loses her job, so be it right?
Will the family be able to support her?
You get only one family. There are other jobs. IMHO, of course.
It isn't just a job..this is her career which she worked hard for.
I'd feel horrible if someone didn't get tenure because I asked them to be a BM and they didn't speak up and say that they would have trouble making the church ceremony. I personally wouldn't want that on my conscience.
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| Posted 8/4/15 9:23 AM |
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gina409
TWINS!
Member since 12/09 27635 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Seriously asking bc I have no idea
Can you be fired for taking a day off in sept when giving a years notice?
Edit to add. Fired or not get tenure
Message edited 8/4/2015 12:16:48 PM.
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| Posted 8/4/15 12:15 PM |
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DaniJude
You're My Home <3
Member since 11/06 14815 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by gina409
Seriously asking bc I have no idea
Can you be fired for taking a day off in sept when giving a years notice?
Edit to add. Fired or not get tenure
Without tenure you can be let go or not asked back and it can be for no reason at all. They don't even have to say why. So, yes, in essence it can be for the above or Bc you wore GREEN and they don't like you in that color lol.
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| Posted 8/4/15 12:18 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by gina409
Seriously asking bc I have no idea
Can you be fired for taking a day off in sept when giving a years notice?
Edit to add. Fired or not get tenure
most likely not, but there have been very dumb situations in which teachers were let go.
do I think that would happen to me? probably not. But I do not think it is worth taking that risk when I do not have the "cushion" that tenure provides
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| Posted 8/4/15 12:18 PM |
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Ian&EmmesMommy23
My family is complete!
Member since 11/08 12970 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
i didnt read all 7 pages.
both my parents are teachers. my sister is a guidance counselor in a school. multiple cousins are teachers. from their experience...i would NOT take the day off.
they can and will use it against you until you are tenure. that is a huge step in your career. you have worked long and hard to reach that point and i would NOT risk it for a wedding. i dont care who's wedding. you'll be at the reception so its not like you're missing the whole thing.
i would explain this to her as much as possible and i would hope she understands. GL!
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| Posted 8/4/15 3:04 PM |
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MarathonKnitter
HAPPY
Member since 2/07 17374 total posts
Name:
EMBRACING CHANGE
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I AM NOT A TEACHER... but i play one on tv.
ok, ok... i have a LOT of teachers in my family.
i would not take the day off.
i am a very emotional person and if it were my wedding... i would want you to tell me ASAP in an emotionally neutral place/time.
i say, take her out to dinner. if the entire family is very close, i would invite your in-laws as well.
the best of luck to you breaking the news to her.
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| Posted 8/4/15 3:20 PM |
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Tulips915
................
Member since 8/08 6851 total posts
Name:
Me
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I'm not a teacher but I know plenty of teachers & AP's... I'm 100% sure they would say do NOT take off a day in September. No way.
Just be honest and tell her you can't take the day and why. She'll have to get over it. This is your career which is more important.
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| Posted 8/4/15 3:25 PM |
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SecretlyTTC14
LIF Adult
Member since 12/13 1770 total posts
Name:
B
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by eroxgirl
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
I think putting a roof over my children's head is more important than my SILs feelings about me standing next to her in church on a Friday afternoon.
ITA! I think this is a good example of putting family first even though others are viewing it as the OP putting her career first. Providing for my family will always be more important than an inlaws wedding.
I would break the news to SIL but don't make it sound like it was a choice. Just say you can't take off and you'll be there asap.
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| Posted 8/4/15 4:55 PM |
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StarsStripes
LIF Adult
Member since 12/12 1192 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
People need to understand that every job situation is different. OF COURSE we would all put our families first in a life or death situation, but this is not one of those cases. While I personally think she should have a conversation with her principal before taking the day, it is ultimately her choice and what she feels comfortable yet. She asked for advice, not for judgment.
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| Posted 8/4/15 5:41 PM |
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ElizaRags35
My 2 Girls
Member since 2/09 20494 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work.
So if she loses her job, so be it right?
Will the family be able to support her?
You get only one family. There are other jobs. IMHO, of course.
Not in education these days. It is not an easy field to get into anymore.
And if family can't understand that, well then that's too bad for them.
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| Posted 8/4/15 7:05 PM |
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ggt08
;)
Member since 5/05 5208 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Wow some of the responses to this are harsh.
Ive been a teacher for 18 years. If this was more than 4 years ago I would say take the day, no worries. But I've seen the shift the past four years and people Being denied tenure. Teaching has become an even more cutthroat career. It is so stressful. I totally get it. Go with your gut. Only you know the environment you work in and how things work. Every district is different. City is worse!
If you were tenured, Then I wouldn't think twice about taking the day. I took a day off for a wedding last September. didnt even think twice.
Like someone said before, can you take a half day?
Message edited 8/4/2015 9:08:54 PM.
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| Posted 8/4/15 9:04 PM |
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lululu
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 9511 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I will add my two cents. I have a lot of friends that are teachers, I know how important tenure is. But I personally would have a conversation with the principal and I would see if (s)he is okay with it before deciding whether or not to go to the ceremony. If they say it's not okay then I would not request the day. If they say it's okay I would assume it's okay and take the day.
But what I really think is that if you are a great teacher and this would be the only strike against you, you will get tenure. If they don't want to give you tenure, you are not going to get it anyway. They will find another reason to deny you or give you no reason at all. But I seriously can not fathom one day off that you request a year in advance to be the making or breaking point of your career.
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| Posted 8/5/15 4:46 PM |
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MikesWife
Wanting...........
Member since 1/06 6887 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by lululu
I will add my two cents. I have a lot of friends that are teachers, I know how important tenure is. But I personally would have a conversation with the principal and I would see if (s)he is okay with it before deciding whether or not to go to the ceremony. If they say it's not okay then I would not request the day. If they say it's okay I would assume it's okay and take the day.
But what I really think is that if you are a great teacher and this would be the only strike against you, you will get tenure. If they don't want to give you tenure, you are not going to get it anyway. They will find another reason to deny you or give you no reason at all. But I seriously can not fathom one day off that you request a year in advance to be the making or breaking point of your career.
I am not a teacher, but this is where my thought process is as well.
Being denied tenure for one unexcused absence, over three years, where you gave more than ample notice for an immediate family members wedding seems mind blowing.
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| Posted 8/6/15 4:07 PM |
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